Black Beans & Vice (2 page)

James tested the weight by bobbing the tomes up and down.
"I'd say that's accurate."

"That's how much sugar the average American eats every week!
Sugar weakens our immune system, rots our teeth, and makes us fat!" Lindy looked down at the ground, her face flushed, and
murmured. "I think it's why Luis isn't proposing. He's watched me
grow bigger and bigger over the past few months. I've stopped going to the gym and my portions are the size of a linebacker's. He
must believe I have no self-discipline, no self-respect. He might
even wonder how big I'm gonna get after having a few kids. With
that unpleasant visual, it's no wonder he's had second thoughts
about popping the question."

"Oh, Lindy." James put an arm around his friend's shoulder
and squeezed. He hated to see sadness etched on her face. "Anyone worth his salt would be lucky to call you his wife. You're
smart, kind, funny, and easy on the eye. And Luis is not so shallow
that he'd stop loving you because you put on a few pounds. You
wouldn't be in love with him if he were. Have you two talked about
your future recently?"

Sighing, Lindy nodded. "He wants me to fly to Mexico to meet
his mama when school is out. His treat, of course."

"There you go!" James proclaimed boisterously. "He's taking
you home to Mother. You're halfway up the aisle already."

"Yeah, if she likes me!" Lindy snorted. "I'm not her first choice,
remember? That honor goes to the daughter of her best friend.
Luis' mama set her sights on that girl to be her daughter-in-law,
so how am I, an outsider to their community and a woman who
is half-Southern American, half-Brazilian, supposed to compete
with Miss Mexico 2010?"

Leading Lindy to the lobby door, James said, "You're going to
dazzle her just like you dazzle everyone you meet."

"Well, I only have two months to look like a priceless diamond,
so I'm going to book us an appointment with the hypnotherapist. She can explain the process to all of us at once. Do you have Eliot
this weekend?"

At the mention of his son's name, James felt a rush of pleasure
that seemed to increase in intensity whenever he thought of his little boy. Six months ago, James hadn't even known he had a child,
but when his ex-wife introduced him to a sweet and shy four-yearold named Eliot Henry, James had fallen instantly in love. Since
then, James had been spending most of his free time with his son
and every time Eliot ran into his arms, James felt as though his
heart would burst with joy all over again.

"Jane's taking Eliot to visit her parents in Tennessee for the
better part of spring break," James said. "I was invited to go along,
and while Jane and I are really enjoying getting reacquainted, I'm
not quite ready to spend five days with my former in-laws yet. So
I'm completely available to be put under a spell."

Lindy swiped at him with the hypnotherapy brochure. "You'd
better not show up at the consultation with that kind of attitude,
Mister."

"Yes, Ms. Perez." James used a high, squeaky voice to mimic
one of Lindy's students. "I will be on my best behavior. Just don't
expect me to get acupuncture next if this experiment fails. I have
no desire to resemble a human pin cushion."

Backing up a few steps, Lindy helped herself to a handful of jellybeans and smiled self-effacingly. "A few for the road. And don't
worry about the other lifestyle gurus at the Wellness Village. We
can bypass the masseuses, acupuncturists, and yoga masters. We're
only interested in one therapist: the woman who is going to kick
our sugar craving for good!"

Visualizing the new complex south of town, which consisted
of six offices built to resemble a row of small cottages surrounding
a courtyard, James grew pensive. "You know," he told Lindy as she
reached for the front door, "if we let Gillian near that place we may
never see her again."

Lindy laughed. "Then we should tell Lucy to bring along a pair
of handcuffs. She'd better cuff Bennett to Gillian because it's going
to take a miracle from the Almighty to get our favorite mailman
within a mile of those pink and purple `health' houses!"

"Yes, I believe it's quite likely he'll balk at the idea of being
hypnotized, especially in a setting that looks like it was teleported
straight from Disneyland." James gave Lindy his sternest look.
"The first sign of an oversized mouse wearing gloves and suspenders and I'm leaving."

"The only oversized creatures there," Lindy answered with a
wry snort, "will be us!"

Later that week, James met Bennett at the local YMCA. It had been
a long time since the two friends had worked out together and
they spent the first few minutes in the weight-training alcove simply studying their images in the mirror and frowning. While they
meticulously examined their protruding bellies and flaccid limbs,
a pair of younger men with hard, streamlined bodies entered the
room.

After greeting James and Bennett with friendly waves, the two
men opened a notebook and began to discuss their goals for the
day's workout. They discussed and debated a variety of different exercises until an agreement was reached in which each man would complete five rounds of three hundred jump ropes, twentyfive weighted front squats, and fifteen shoulder presses. The men
gathered their equipment, picked up their jump ropes, and synchronized their watches.

"Ready?" the first one asked in a business-like tone.

"Let's do it," the second responded. When the subtle beep of
his watch indicated the commencement of the stopwatch feature,
the two twentysomethings began to jump.

James and Bennett, who up to this point had been gathering a
haphazard pile of impressive-looking dumbbells in an attempt to
appear as fit and strong as the new arrivals, paused to watch. The
jump ropes whirled so quickly that the blue plastic cords blurred
in the air. The men held their bodies rigid, their wrists circling
with incredible speed as the jump rope passed under their feet
again and again. Their even, fast rhythm never altered and neither
of the men missed a jump or got tangled in the rope. Not once.
The sound in the room was like that of a small helicopter in hover
mode.

"Hey, man. How about some bicep curls?" Bennett suggested
after finally turning away from the athletic jumpers.

"Yeah. Let's go heavy," James stated in a deeper voice than usual.
He and Bennett selected the largest dumbbells from the rack. As
James curled the weight toward his shoulder, he compressed his
lips to bite back a groan. He couldn't believe how weak he'd become.

And that's my strong arm! he thought woefully.

After two pathetic reps, he switched to his left arm. Meanwhile,
Bennett was focused on lifting a forty-five-pound Olympic bar in
one motion from the middle of his thighs to over his head. Normally, he would conduct this motion with slow deliberation, being careful
to maintain correct form, but the intense pace of the younger men
encouraged him to increase his speed. Now, Bennett raised and lowered the bar as fast as he could, his back rounding dangerously. Suddenly, the bar became unbalanced. With an anguished yelp, Bennett
dropped it directly onto his shoe.

"AAARRRGH!" He shouted in pain and began to hop on one
foot. In his awkward dance of agony, he ended up bumping into
James. The weight of the heavy dumbbell in James' left hand
lurched, forcing him to pitch forward. In order to keep his grip
on the weight, he reached across his body with his right hand and
as he did so, he twisted his entire torso in an awkward, unfamiliar
motion that painfully wrenched his back.

"00000!" James howled and immediately sank down on the
carpeted floor. Digging his fingers into his lower back, he moaned
and winced in acute discomfort. Bennett plopped down alongside
him, took off his sneaker and white tube sock, and gingerly bent
the toes on his right foot to make sure none were broken.

Eventually, when James was able to speak, he turned to his
friend. "Are you hurt?"

Bennett eased his sock back on. "I don't think my little piggies
are gonna be runnin' all the way home for a real long time."

Feeling clumsy, weak, and old, James glanced in the mirror and
was relieved to see that the younger men were far too busy lifting
superhuman amounts of weight to have noticed their inelegant
collapse.

"So much for our workout," Bennett mopped his face with a
dish towel. "It's gonna take me twice as long to deliver the mail tomorrow, since I'm gonna be limpin' every time I've gotta carry a
box to someone's door."

"And I'll be the Hunchback of the Shenandoah Public Library,"
James answered with shame. "Bennett. I think this may be a sign
that we should give Lindy's hypnotherapist a shot. We're clearly
floundering on our own."

Bennett mulled the proposition over as he retied his shoe.
James witnessed his friend's internal debate as Bennett's expression
changed from a frown to a look of hopefulness and back to a frown
again. "You really believe this woman can change our minds without
turnin' us into zombies or makin' us-I dunno-squawk like parrots whenever we stop at a red light?" He wiggled a finger at James.
"'Cause I sit through an awful lot of lights every day."

James clapped Bennett on the back, though the motion made
him grimace in pain. "Don't worry, my friend. I doubt anyone intends to turn you into parrot."

Sighing with visible relief, Bennett helped James rise to his
feet. The two friends hobbled toward the locker room just as the
younger men removed their shirts and began to jump rope again.

Bennett gazed at their rippled abs, the bulging muscles in their
arms, and their rock-hard pectorals. "Okay, man, I'm in. Let this
woman brainwash me. If I end up lookin' half as good as those
two, she can even sneak the parrot squawks in."

Sharp stings exploded across James' lower back and he placed
his palm on the wall for support. "Don't make me laugh!" He remonstrated. "It hurts too much!"

The next day, the five friends gathered in the parking lot of the
new Wellness Village. Lucy Hanover, dressed in her brown and
beige sheriff's deputy uniform, stood with her hands on her hips,
looking rather nervous. To her left, owner of The Yuppie Puppy
Pet Grooming and Pet Palaces (custom designed pet homes) Gillian O'Malley rubbed her hands together in buoyant expectation.
She gazed at the sign reading, "Your Map To Good Health," her
expression bordering on rapture.

Lindy pointed at the map. "Harmony York's office is in Health
House Number Four. This way." She began to march down a cobblestone pathway.

"Harmony?" Bennett spluttered. "That's her real name? Oh
man, she's gonna be one of those Flower Child-types."

Gillian looped her arm around his and beamed. "Not only is it
a lovely name but I find it very symbolic. Isn't our goal to rebalance our bodies and minds? To create an inner harmony? I have
complete faith that we are not meeting a woman named Harmony
by coincidence. This is the cosmos working on our behalf, my
friends!"

"Pink Health Houses! Hrmph! Where's the yellow brick road,"
Bennett grumbled, clearly apprehensive. "I never thought I'd
wanna be whisked away by a flyin' monkey before, but if I see a
chimp with wings, I'm gonna wave him down and get the hell
outta here!"

Gillian nearly yanked his arm off as she dragged him up the
path toward one of the purple cottages bordered by a garden of
riotous and fragrant wildflowers.

Next to the light blue front door, a simple placard bearing the
name, A Better State of Mind, hung by a gold chain. Letting Lindy take the lead, the rest of the supper club members entered the
waiting room and took in their surroundings.

"Something smells funny," Lucy whispered, and James pointed
at a burning stick of incense in the far corner. The opposite corner
was occupied by a small wall fountain, which gurgled pleasantly at
a slightly lower volume than the instrumental music being piped
into the space through a set of speakers resembling gray stones.