Black And Blue (Quentin Black Mystery #5) (49 page)

I let out a broken cry, gripping him harder.

“Black... please...” I didn’t know what I wanted to say to him. Pain exploded over me as I realized he was really here. I’d been so focused on him, on getting that collar off him, some part of me hadn’t caught up to that simple fact.

The pain grew worse, excruciating, as his light pulled on mine.

He had his whole weight on me then, pinning me to the seat, his arms wrapped around me as he thrust his lower body against my hand. When he lowered his weight, groaning, he leaned his face by mine, gasping into my ear.

Fuck me... gaos Miri... please...

I didn’t think about it before I did it.

I bit him... sinking my teeth into his shoulder.

He let out a broken groan.

It startled me, the sheer volume of sound coming out of his chest––it was loud enough and pained enough that it vibrated my whole body. I felt so much behind it, for a moment I got lost there, lost in his light.

Then he was jerking violently against me, his light invading mine as he opened. He groaned again, and I felt myself lose control; I cried out, gasping, watching his face grow soft where he hung over me. I wrapped most of my body around him when I felt that light in him turn submissive. Feeling the surrender there, I realized he was coming and held him tighter, fighting the urge to bite him again.

“Don’t,” he groaned. “Don’t, goddamn it...”

I felt shame coming off him in a dark cloud, an almost debilitating self-loathing. The feeling overwhelmed me, growing so strong I found myself gripping him roughly in my hands.

“Black!” Panic filled my voice. “What is it? What’s wrong with you?”

He shook his head, but he wouldn’t look at me.

I gripped his hair, forcing his eyes on me. “Black! Baby, no... no. I’m sorry.” Tears came to my eyes. “I’m so sorry I did that. I’m so sorry... I wasn’t thinking...”

I felt that shame on him worsen, then he shook his head, clenching his jaw as he avoided my gaze. He started to climb off me then, and it hit me we were both still wearing most of our clothes. I caught hold of his shirt, then his arm as he tried to pull away.

“Black!” When he still wouldn’t look at me, I softened my voice. “Quentin. Quentin, please... I’m sorry. Please. I’m so sorry...”

Pain coiled out of him, so strong it actually hurt me that time. Gasping, I gripped his arms tighter, trying to pull him down towards me. When he wouldn’t really let me, I sat up, wrapping my arms around his neck.

He still avoided my eyes, but I felt him trying to let me in, to relax.

Still not looking at me, he shook his head again.

“It’s not your fault, Miri.” He gave me a bare glance when I raised my head, and again I felt a coil of that shame. “I’m not mad at you. But we should talk. There are things we should talk about...”

“I know––” I began.

“No,” he cut in, looking at me. “You don’t. I mean
now
, Miri. There are things we need to talk about right now. They can’t wait. We need to talk before we do this...”

I caressed his face, trying gently to get him to turn, to look at me. I left him alone when he wouldn’t. I tried to decide if I should let go of him altogether, leave him alone for real, but his light was pulling on me so much, it was hard to make myself want to do it. I couldn’t decide which part of him to listen to, so I ended up listening to both... and neither.

“Okay,” I said, still watching his face. “We can talk about whatever you want. But we don’t have to do it
now,
Black... not if you don’t want to. We don’t have to do any of this now.”

He shook his head, closing his eyes. “Yes, we do.”

Fighting the panic that still wanted to take over my light, I stroked his neck. “Didn’t you tell me that seers are better off not talking until they’ve shared light?” I said, softer. “You said that a lot of talking just puts up walls, that we’re better off sharing light first, then talking after... when we’re both a little more sane. We don’t have to have sex. Maybe I can just sit here with you for awhile... we can get you food, and I’ll just sit here. Okay?”

He looked over at that.

I saw him think about my words, then that harder shame returned to his eyes.

“Normally that’s true,” he said, his voice cold. “...With the light. But I don’t want to just sit here with you, Miri. I want to fuck. I want to get into your light in a real way... so badly I can’t fucking think straight right now.” He swiveled his eyes towards me again. “But you might feel things on me if we do. We’ve never had to talk about this before... but seers. They’re different with sex. We need to have that talk now.”

I studied his face, fighting to feel what he meant, but he still wasn’t really letting me in.

Swallowing, I struggled to make my voice light.

“Well, no shit seers are weird about sex,” I said, forcing a smile. “I kind of figured that out when we first did this...”

“That’s not what I mean.” He turned, looking at me, that colder expression still in his eyes. “We can feel it when the other person is with someone else, Miriam. Not just while it’s happening... after. It leaves imprints on our light... and on the light of the affected body parts. It’s why there are such strict cultural norms about agreements and fidelity in the seer world. It can be upsetting, for obvious reasons. At times, it can also be really damned explicit. I don’t want you to get hit with that out of nowhere...”

I stared at him, having trouble making sense of his words.

He’d said them so calmly, so utterly matter-of-fact, I was positive I must have heard him incorrectly. I looked down at his body, then back up at his face.

“What are you saying?” I said.

His eyes grew angry. “What the fuck do you think I’m saying, Miriam?”

Pain flared in my chest. Then tears came to my eyes. They came so suddenly I couldn’t even think about stopping them, much less hiding them from him.

“You were sleeping with someone else?” I saw him flinch from the pain in my words. “Why?” I said. “Why, Black?”

He caught ahold of me, yanking me up against him.

For a moment he only looked at me, that anger still in his expression, then he seemed to really see me and that anger crumpled.

“Honey... no.” His arms grew warmer, softer, pulling me deeper against him. “I wasn’t fucking people. I didn’t have a lover... I got raped. More than once. And not only by humans. This isn’t...” He shook his head. “I didn’t say it right, okay? I was talking about rape. I thought you got that. I thought you knew what I was telling you.”

I stared at him, feeling that pain in my chest change.

Then it grew a lot worse.

It pooled darkly into my belly as I watched him avoid my gaze, coiling there until I really did feel physically sick. I remembered Solonik, and what he’d done to me. I remembered what my uncle had done to Black in Paris. The longer I sat there, the more that anger and grief turned into something closer to hate, until I could barely breathe.

I didn’t even know who I hated at that point.

Maybe some portion of the world, the people who would do these things and just walk away, always seemingly unscathed.

“It’s okay.” He kissed my face, leaning against me for real. He sighed, and when he did, his light opened more. I felt relief on him, even as he pressed into me, but I felt his embarrassment, too. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t going to tell you like that.”

I shook my head, wrapping my arms around him. “Tell me whatever you want, Black. However you want.”

He shook his head, still leaning on me. “I’m sorry,” he said, without raising his head. “It’s not you. It’s nothing you did, Miri... but when you bit me...”

He hesitated, and that time I looked up.

Again, that shame glanced across his eyes.

“It was a conditioned response. Okay? I’m not angry with you. I’m embarrassed. That fucking thing fed on me and got me to like it...” Shaking his head, another plume of shame went through him. “...Not
like
it. I don’t mean like it, Miri.” Disgust filled his voice. “I don’t know what I fucking mean. He’d project your light at me while he fed on me. He’d make it so I saw you... and
felt
you, even with the collar.” His voice grew bitter. “He told me he’d train me to get hard whenever he bit me, and he was right.”

I just sat there in his lap, curled up in his arms, letting his words sink in.

When neither of us said anything after a few minutes more, I felt that shame begin to creep back over him again. I felt him wishing he’d stayed silent. Or told me some other way... or later at least, not sprung it on me the first second we were alone.

I spoke before I knew what I meant to say. My voice came out strangely cold.

“So?” I said.

When he stiffened, raising his head, I bit my lip, but held his gaze.

“So what?” I said, my voice harsher. “I’ll bite you whenever you want, Black. I’ll do
whatever
you want... no matter where that urge comes from. So he did that? He trained you to get off on his twisted crap? So what? You belong to me.” I stared up at him. “You belong to
me.
Whatever he taught you to like, that’s mine now... and yours. Not his.” Tears came to my eyes as I watched his face. “You belong to
me
, goddamn it. Do you understand?”

That pain in his eyes faded slowly, the longer he looked at me.

“Do you?” I said, wiping my face angrily. “Do you understand, Quentin?”

He nodded. Even more of that tension faded from his eyes as I watched.

“Say it,” I said. “Say you belong to me.”

“Untielleres, ilya...”
he murmured, stroking my cheek with his hand.

“No. Say it in English,” I said.

“I belong to you, Miri. I belong to you.”

“For how long?”

“Forever, wife.”

I nodded, clenching my jaw, my arms folded. “Good. And
fuck
that guy. I am so going to kill him when we run into him again.”

Black stared at me for what felt like a long time.

Then slowly, as if he couldn’t help himself, he broke out in one of those killer grins.

* * *

Want to read more by this author?

While you’re waiting for the next Quentin Black book, check out her paranormal mystery romance novel set in communist Russia, featuring an angel who falls to Earth while chasing a demon, and the KGB agent who tries to help him:

SHADOW WINGS

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QUENTIN BLACK MYSTERY
is a dark, gritty paranormal romance and mystery series starring brilliant and mysterious antihero Quentin R. Black, along with his partner, psychic forensic psychologist Miram Fox. For fans of Sherlock Holmes and paranormal romance, the series spans continents and dimensions as Black tries to redeem himself by making the world safe for his kind.