Bittersweet (17 page)

“I need somewhere to put my hearing aids.”

He opened a small glove box next to the wheel and I put them inside. The silence was a little unnerving. Usually I only took them out when I showered or went to bed. In both scenarios I was always alone.

He leapt into the water and looked up at me. He had no idea what he was putting me through. The lake looked so big when I stood on the edge of the boat. It could just swallow me up.

He waved for me to jump.

I sat on the edge and put my feet in the water. Dallas swam around the boat and then came back and grabbed my legs.

“Come on,” he said. His voice seemed far away, but I could hear him.

“You can’t let go of me.”

“Promise. Come on.”

I slid into the water and he slipped his arms around me.

“See, this isn’t so bad, is it?”

I was shivering with terror.

“It’s not that cold. Why are you shaking?”

“Scared.” I clutched at his back, barely noticing how close he was and how nice his skin felt against mine. If only I wasn’t so damned scared. I bet he appreciated this so much more than I did.

“Okay, let’s teach you how to tread water. Then maybe you won’t be so scared. Seriously. The lake isn’t going to eat you.”

He put both of his hands on my waist and pushed me away, but didn’t let go.

“Look, just keep moving your legs. You won’t sink. Try it. No, don’t flail. Just slowly move them back and forth, like this.”

He moved back around me and moved my legs with his own. He pressed against my back; I was so aware of him. How could I concentrate on keeping myself alive when all I wanted to do was kiss him?

But I did as he told me.

“Okay, I’m going to let go for just a second to see how you do. But I’ll be right here.”

“No, you can’t let go.”

He pulled away a little and I clung tighter.

“Relax, you will be fine.”

I shook my head. “No, I won’t. I’ll sink.”

He pushed me away, just a little, and looked into my eyes.

“You are doing great. And I won’t let you sink. I won’t let the water go over your chin. Do you trust me?”

I shivered and nodded.

He let go, and miracle of miracles, I managed to keep my head above the water.

I laughed. Dallas swam circles around me and I focused on staying afloat. It was easier than I expected. After a few minutes, I felt my legs getting tired and was about to suggest we go back to the boat when another boat came by. It stopped about thirty yards away from us. Dallas waved to a middle-aged couple and they beckoned for him.

“Those are friends of my parents. I’m gonna go say hi. You okay for another couple of minutes?”

I nodded.

He swam away and I tried to move back toward our boat. Something brushed my leg. I jerked, thinking I just didn’t hear Dallas return, but when I looked back he was still talking to the people on the other boat.

Something bumped my leg again and slid across my calf. I screeched and kicked at whatever was circling my leg, thrashing my arms around.

Before I knew it, I was starting to sink. Oh no.

I flailed harder, forgetting everything Dallas taught me. It did no good, and before long my head was submerged, and I was trying my damnedest to get back to the surface, and hold my breath, but my nostrils were filling with water and
oh shit
I was going to die.
Dad, did you feel this way before you lost consciousness? What about the first time, the time you almost died? Did you panic? Did you really want this?

I saw purple lights flash behind my eyelids everything went dark.

I
COUGHED A GOOD DEAL
of lake water all over the floor of the boat.

“Savannah, you okay?”

Dallas’s face swam into view. I nodded and tried to sit up. He leaned back against the bench.

“What happened?”

“Something brushed against my leg and I panicked.”

He laughed and pulled me into a hug. I snuggled up next to him and rested my head on his chest. My heart was racing. So was his, and his arms that were wrapped around me shuddered every few seconds.

“You okay?” I asked.

“You almost drowned and you’re asking me if I’m okay?”

“You’re shaking.”

“You scared me.”

“You left me alone.” I thought about pulling away but I enjoyed being in his arms too much.

“Sorry about that.”

His hand ran over my hair and rested on my back. It occurred to me that we were both in bathing suits and nearly every inch of my skin was touching his. My heart raced again, but this time for a very different reason. I slid off his lap and stood up.

Maybe I should try to drown more often. I shook off the water. My watch gurgled. Oops. I took it off and dangled it in front of Dallas.

“Not waterproof.”

He snatched it out of my hand and smiled. “Neither are you, apparently.”

Then he stood up too. “Let’s get something to eat and then you can tell me the story behind that tattoo.”

He pointed to my wrist and I cringed. I’d forgotten that my watch did more than just tell time, it covered my tat.

I sat on a bench in the sun and was nearly dry before he came back with food. Cold fried chicken, grapes, and strawberries. Yum.

He let me eat before he brought up the tattoo again.

“Okay, but you have to understand that the story behind this is really long,” I said.

“I’m not going anywhere. Anything that gives me an excuse to stare at you for a long time works for me.”

I blushed. For a half second I thought about telling him the truth instead of the modified story I made up. That moment passed and I began with the story that wasn’t quite true.

“Two years ago, on the Fourth of July, I woke up ready to go. We were going to go to a new amusement park, because Dad had just moved. I was so excited. My stepmom was out of town, but was due back that night. Usually my dad woke up before me, but when I entered the kitchen that morning I became super aware of how quiet it was. There was no coffee brewing or bacon sizzling on the stove. My dad made the best bacon.”

I paused, trying to gather my thoughts. I didn’t know how to make it real, to make him understand how important it was that I got this particular tattoo. Dallas stared at me even more intently. I wondered if he’d figured it out yet.

“I knocked on his bedroom door but he didn’t answer. I cracked open the door. The bed was made as if he hadn’t slept in it. I looked around and couldn’t find him anywhere. His car was still in the driveway and his wallet was on the counter. I started to panic. I ran all over the house, calling his name. Finally I called my stepmom and she sounded really worried. She told me to call the police and make them understand that Dad was unstable, that he could be a danger to himself. He’d changed his meds, you see, and the transition hadn’t been going very smoothly. She almost didn’t go out of town because she was worried about him, but he assured her that he was fine.”

I laughed a little then, thinking about how good he was at convincing everyone he was fine, when he wasn’t. It was another trait I hadn’t inherited. When I was down, everyone knew it. Dallas thought he knew what was coming, I could see it in his eyes. He knew my dad died two years ago. But he probably thought it was a car accident or cancer or something equally horrible, but he didn’t know. Would he think differently of me once he knew?

“After I hung up with the police, who promised to come over as soon as possible, I went out in the backyard to clear my head. I couldn’t figure out where he would’ve gone. From the deck I could see the whole back yard, and there he was, hanging from a tree.”

I choked up at that part, remembering his lifeless body. I’d only fibbed a little. I had seen his body, but it wasn’t hanging from a tree. Maybe I should’ve just told him the real story. Tears were flowing freely from my eyes by now. I looked up at Dallas and saw the pain mirrored in his eyes.

“I wonder sometimes if, in the moments before the rope strangled him, he’d changed his mind but couldn’t do anything about it. I wonder if he thought of me, of what kind of pain he would put me through. If he knew that by doing it he’d turn me into a soulless shell.”

I laugh-sobbed. “You wanna know why I really shaved my head? It’s because when my prick boyfriend cheated on me, I felt no pain, no humiliation, nothing. I wanted to feel something. Anything.”

I held up my wrist.

“This tattoo, the noose, is to remind me to never put anyone through that kind of pain. It’s to remind me that if I should ever feel that life is worth ending, it’s not worth the pain I’ll put others through.”

Dallas leaned over me with that intense look in his eyes and I knew what he was about to do. My feelings were all mixed up at the moment and I felt like there was a volcano inside of me that was about to explode. Part of me felt like giving into the grief I’d tried so hard to deny and the other part wanted to make out with Dallas. He placed his forehead against mine and rested his hand on my waist.

“I know this may not be completely appropriate at this moment, but I think I just fell in love with you,” Dallas said.

His lips met mine and I returned the kiss eagerly. He shifted his weight and straddled me, somehow managing to not break the kiss. My hands were everywhere, exploring his bare skin. Dallas gently held my face and his tongue brushed the edge of my lip; I parted my lips, welcoming him. After a few minutes—or maybe it was hours, time didn’t seem important at the moment—he pulled back and smiled at me.

“You are truly the most beautiful girl I have ever met, both inside and out.”

With that, the volcano exploded and I had no control over my emotions. I started to sob. Great soul-sucking sobs. Dallas simply pulled me into arms and allowed me to cry all over his beautiful chest.

T
HE NEXT DAY
D
ALLAS
and I both had to work open to close. He met me by the rock just before I had to clock in.

“I got you something.” He handed me a box.

I opened it and found a watch with a chocolate-brown leather band. The dial was white, with magenta colored hands. It was pretty and simple. Perfect for me.

“Thank you.”

He shrugged. “It was nothing. It was my fault your other watch broke and I didn’t want you to get in trouble today.” I took off the dead watch and put on the new one he’d bought. He gave me a quick kiss and disappeared into his office. Angelica came around the corner just as he walked away.

I smiled and walked to the clock in the booth. Angelica clocked in right after me. We walked to the morning meeting together. I felt like nothing could ever bring me down from my Dallas high.

“Becca is going to be pissed.”

“Excuse me?”

“I saw you and Dallas back there. Becca is not going to be happy.”

I shrugged. “Do you really think I care? Becca and I aren’t exactly friends.”

I didn’t care, but I did worry that the rest of the girls would take her side. They might not be my best friends, but the fact that they talked to me made the workday go by so much faster.