Bitter Winds (13 page)

And it wasn’t like Li Jin’s family was paying her to stick around. Unlike the other girls, she wasn’t really considered family and could be out on the street in a minute.
She needed the money as a backup plan.
She hung on to that thought and repeated it in her head as she climbed off the bar stool and accepted his hand, allowing him to lead her from the room.

Li Jin readjusted the wrap that held Lan tightly against her back, then wiped the soapy rag across the counters for the third time, grateful for the peace after such a long and eventful day. The unexpected news of Sky and Lily getting picked up earlier that day had really rocked the center, making everyone on edge as they scattered to their own corners to whisper and speculate. When her Baba and Ivy had returned without Lily, a pall had been cast over the center. First Ivy, then her parents had disappeared behind their bedroom doors. Dinner had been eerily quiet.

“What can I do to help?” Auntie Rae peeked inside the kitchen door as she bounced baby Coral on her shoulder. The concern on her face made her look ages older than usual.

Li Jin looked around as she continued to sway back and forth. She knew the room was sparkling only because of all the nervous energy she was exploding with. Already she’d scrubbed the row of high chairs, scoured the stove top, mopped the floors, and even rearranged their growing pantry twice. Usually she had help with kitchen duty, but today she’d run everyone out of there, knowing she wanted to be alone. Well, alone except for her Jojo. And of course, Lan.

“Nothing, Auntie Rae. It’s all done, but thanks. You take Coral and go for a walk or something to get ready for bed.” Li Jin couldn’t get over how sweet the woman was, and how sad it was that her own grown daughter couldn’t help care for her. Many years ago, the woman had been a matchmaker descended down from a long line of matchmakers in her family. Rae had finally told her about her hard times since her husband’s death. With the younger generation’s stubborn resistance to the old ways, she’d had to resort to a multitude of small but difficult jobs she’d worked just to make enough to eat. They’d been jobs like sweeping highways, planting flowers for the government complexes, as well as other tasks that an elderly person had no business trying to do. Li Jin was glad she’d found her way to them.

Auntie Rae smiled, showing the wide gaps in her teeth. She pointed at Li Jin’s back.

“That baby looks good on you.” She winked, then disappeared down the hall.

What did she mean by that?
Li Jin rolled her neck, glad the center was quieting down for the night. Peony had been the most difficult to settle down—as she’d received a new postcard from her mysterious mother and was teetering between excitement that the woman had figured out where they’d moved and again reached out to her, but sad because she still didn’t know who or where she was. Li Jin had spent over an hour talking with the girl and reassuring her that if it was meant to be, her mother would come forward one day. Li Jin’s heart ached for her. Not only did the girl have to deal with being from mixed heritage, but she also had to overcome the deep feelings of rejection from being abandoned.

Finally Peony’s exhausting roller coaster of emotions had led her to bed. Li Jin had peeked in on her and was moved to see the girl still clutching the postcard to her chest, even in her sleep.

Thankfully, even Lan had finally tired herself out and was sleeping bundled against Li Jin’s back. Earlier in her bedroom, she’d caught their reflection and laughed, realizing she looked like a peasant mama working the rice fields with an infant tied around her. But Li Jin wouldn’t leave her in the nursery or with anyone other than her own mother, so the wrap was the next option to allow her to still get around and run the place.

Sami had taken off again. Usually Li Jin didn’t mind her short disappearances, but today with the terrible situation of the twins, it was an inconvenience. Still, she couldn’t be irritated at Lan; the baby girl was starved for attention and she wasn’t getting any from her own mother. Li Jin had tried to tell Sami that the infant’s colic would settle if she’d hold her more and walk with her, but Sami acted as if she couldn’t be bothered with motherhood. It was so frustrating to Li Jin. She’d heard of women having postpartum depression and she hoped that was the explanation—but something told her Sami’s problems were much deeper and more permanent. Even before she’d gotten pregnant, her emotions were on a constant roller coaster of change.

“Ma, tell me again, what’s going on? Why was Nai Nai crying?” Jojo asked from his place at the table. He was doing his homework and Li Jin was really missing her father’s usual assistance. Since they’d moved into the new place and Li Jin was so busy with running things, he had taken charge of Jojo’s education. Her father was a great teacher, but today they were on their own.

She walked over and ruffled her son’s hair. He’d been so helpful all evening, especially after her father and Ivy had come with the bad news. Her tightly run kitchen and even the usually smooth-running evening chores had been overturned for a short while. Everyone was concerned. Even though her father had said very little, they all understood something dreadful had happened to Lily.

“Lily was detained for playing her violin at the festival in town,” Li Jin said.

“What is detained? Music isn’t allowed there?”

Li Jin could see Jojo wasn’t buying it. He was a smart boy and knew something else was in the air.

“Tomorrow I’ll know more, Son. Let’s just wait until then to talk about it.”

She felt Lan stir and went to the cupboard for the canister of milk powder. She’d get a bottle ready. Maybe rocking the little girl back to sleep would settle her own nerves and put her mind on something else. She couldn’t stop thinking of Lily and how terrified she must be. Lily had never been without her sister as a guide, and now she was alone in a strange place, unable to see anything that might endanger her. With her hand on the cabinet she paused to bow her head and say a short prayer to the gods to protect Lily. Jojo saw her getting the bottle out and came to stand beside them. Lan had been with them so much lately that even he was growing attached to her. “I’ll help you feed her, Ma.”

“Put the kettle on to boil.”

He ran to the stove top and checked the kettle to make sure it had water; then he turned the knob as Li Jin had taught him. He was always eager to help her. Maybe it would take his mind off Ivy, too. She was just glad he hadn’t also overheard her father tell her that Sky had been detained as well. Like her, Jojo had grown attached to Sky and she knew he’d worry.

“Okay, it’s on. I’ll get the bottle ready. I know . . . she gets two scoops of powder.” He went to the canister on the counter and peeled the lid from the top. Li Jin paced the floor, waiting for the kettle. As long as she walked, Lan wouldn’t fuss, so she’d keep going until the bottle was ready.

Along with worrying over her sisters, she’d spent the last few hours going over and over what she knew about Sky and how he fit into the puzzle of the Falun Gong practitioners. Having spent so much time on the streets, she knew what they were—at least a little. As far as she knew, it was a practice similar to Qigong or Tai Chi, but with more of a spiritual responsibility. Interestingly, the founder introduced it to the people back in 1992 and the party declared it illegal to practice by 1999. She’d heard the new law hadn’t stopped the most devout followers but Sky hadn’t ever shared with her that he was a part of it. It didn’t make much difference to her either way, as what she knew about the practice was minimal but she did know they strived to lead a peaceful life. She tried not to think of Sky being roughed up by the local officials, but her imagination taunted her. She hoped her father didn’t think she was overstepping her boundaries, but she’d called Linnea and asked her to go over and let Sky’s grandfather know what had happened. Hopefully someone was working to get him out, as her parents were working to free Lily.

Sky was totally different than any man she’d ever known—the complete opposite of Erik, that was for sure. Li Jin had to admit that when Sky was around, there was also a measure of peace and contentment. She would miss that if he was gone for long.
Aiya,
she already missed it, if she was being honest with herself. She hoped he was okay. She had big plans for him to help her get Sami back to a better mental place, if she could only get Sami to see in him what she did.

A loud whistle sounded, making Li Jin jump out of her daydream about Sky and Sami.

“I got it, Ma,” Jojo said.

“No, you don’t. It’s too hot for you to handle. I’ll pour and you can shake the bottle.”

She headed toward the stove and looked down at her watch. They’d been gone three hours. She wished she’d hear something about Lily and Sky.

From her back, Lan let out a small cry. She was getting hungry again but she’d have to wait a few minutes until her bottle cooled. Once again Li Jin thought of the argument she and Sami had over breast-feeding. No matter how much Li Jin tried to convince her it was best for the baby, Sami had refused. Still, they were lucky the baby still had a mother, when so many at their center didn’t.

She poured the water into the bottle and Jojo popped the nipple on, then shook it up and down, grinning from ear to ear.

Lan saw it and let out a lusty wail, unlike her usual meek cry.

She instantly felt guilty when the baby caused her and Jojo to laugh. It wasn’t a time for that, not until they could get Lily home. She hoped Ivy hadn’t heard them.

“Go put a splash of cold milk in it, Jojo. I don’t think she’s going to wait patiently for it to cool this time.”

She headed to the rocking chair in the corner. She was glad Jace had built them a fire in the pit earlier and she pulled the chair a bit closer to it. Not only was the kitchen her favorite place to be because of the cooking, but it was also the warmest room in the house.

“Come on out of there, Lan. Let’s fill up that little belly of yours so you can sleep through the night.” She gently pulled the baby around to her front and untied the wrap from her neck. With the new movement, the baby quieted. Li Jin snuggled her against her chest and, smiling down at her, was rewarded with a sideways grin that just about melted her heart. Her Mama said Lan’s smiles this early were because of gas, and that might be the case, but they were still sweet.

“I’m coming, Ma! You said I could feed her.” Jojo sprinted across the room.

L
ily stirred and reached out to pull the blanket over her legs.
Why was she so cold? Where was Ivy? Why had she moved so far away in the night? And who was making so much noise in the kitchen? Was Li Jin up already, so early?
She reached farther and farther, trying to find the quilt, but her fingers felt nothing.

Then she remembered. She sat up and listened.

She was still in the hospital room. It was morning and the hall outside her door had come alive with the sounds of patients yelling for attention, nurses making rounds, and the clattering of metal plates—most likely breakfast being served.

She’d finally fallen asleep after trying to force herself to stay awake, listening as long as she could for the footsteps that might belong to the returning orderly. He’d said he was coming back and she’d believed him. But he hadn’t. She was proud of herself for not telling Ye Ye and Ivy about him. Even though she’d been terrified, she didn’t want to pass that worry on to her family. They were doing what they could to get her out and didn’t need to know how dangerous it really was.

She pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her Ye Ye’s coat tighter around her legs. The slippers had come off during the night and she reached around until she felt them, then slid them back on her cold feet.

She hadn’t put the mattress back like the official had told her to; instead she’d remained in the corner, hidden in case the orderly came back. She’d dreamed of her mother again, hearing her voice in her ear telling her not to be afraid. Now her legs hurt from lying on the cold floor all night. She needed to use the bathroom and the pains shooting through her gut warned her that her bladder wouldn’t wait much longer. She stood, uncertain if she should try to knock on her door, yell out, or just wait. She didn’t want to anger anyone. She remembered her sunglasses and felt the top of her head. They were gone. She bent down and reached around but couldn’t find them. Giving up, she considered yelling out again.

As she debated, she heard the sound of plastic shoes slapping lightly against the ceramic tiles, coming closer to her room. Keys jangled, the lock clicked, and the door opened. Lily held her breath, praying it wasn’t the orderly.

“Zao.”
A soft voice called out good morning.

Lily breathed a sigh of relief.

“Zao,”
she returned. “Can I please use the restroom?”

The voice came nearer and Lily cringed. What was she going to do to her?

“I’m Nurse Guo. Don’t worry, I won’t hurt you. Come on, let’s get you to the bathroom.” She took Lily’s arm and guided her toward the door. “Wait, let me just check off that I asked you the morning questions.”

They stopped and Lily heard paper shuffling.

“Do you feel like you want to hurt yourself this morning?” the nurse asked.

“No!” Lily answered. Why would they even ask that?

“Then are you homicidal—meaning will you be a danger to staff or other patients around you?”

“I know what homicidal means, and no, I’m not.” She sighed. This felt like a bad dream.

“Sorry, it’s procedure. Let’s go. The breakfast cart is making its way to your room. We should be back before they get there. Oh wait—do you need these?”

Lily felt her sunglasses being pushed into her hand. “Thank you. I couldn’t find them.”

“They were just a few inches from you in the corner, girl. You didn’t look too hard!”

Lily put them on her face and then the nurse awkwardly guided her out the door. In the hall, Lily paused. She just remembered what the woman had said before she found the glasses. The nurse was nice, and for that she was grateful. If the breakfast team consisted of the orderly, she hoped the nurse would stay with her.

“Can I show you how it would be easier for me to walk?”

Nurse Guo chuckled. “Of course. I must apologize. I’ve never had a blind patient before.”

“It’s okay. Just let go of my arm.”

The nurse let go and Lily grabbed her arm just above the elbow. “See, I hold
your
arm, and you just walk and make sure nothing is in my path. If you hold my arm, it’s too confusing for my senses.”

They started again and moved up the hall. The nurse broke the awkward silence.

“There was a bedpan in your room. You didn’t see it?”

Lily was taken aback. A bedpan? She wasn’t bedridden; why would they give her a bedpan? “Um, no. I didn’t.”

The nurse chuckled. “Oh, I’m sorry. Of course you didn’t see it. But from what I can tell, even if you’d known it was there, you’re too independent to use it.”

She was right. Lily wasn’t squatting over a bedpan. That was ridiculous.

“Do you know if my family is still here?”

“We’re making a left turn here, then the bathroom door is on your right. No, I haven’t seen them, and I’m pretty sure I’d have noticed if they were here. You and your sister are identical and that sort of stands out, you know. But I did hear this morning that you’re going to be transferred soon, maybe even this afternoon. We’ll get you into some real clothes. Hospital issued—but at least you’ll have pants and a shirt. You can keep your jacket, at least until someone else takes it from you.”

They came to the bathroom door and the nurse stopped.

“Transferred? To where?” Lily turned to her.

“The reeducation center on the outskirts of town. Let’s hurry here; I have other patients to see to. I don’t mean to rush you, I just don’t usually personally escort everyone around.” The nurse guided her through the door and stopped. “Here is the toilet directly in front of you. One step up and turn around, then squat. Be careful, don’t fall in.”

Lily felt tissue being pushed against her hand and she grasped it. She was silent but she could hear her heart pounding in her chest.
She wasn’t going home.
Her Ye Ye hadn’t been able to get her discharged. She wanted to cry but she wouldn’t. She would not show weakness. If she did, she’d be like a wounded animal in the wild and who knew what could happen to her. Here, in this place, she was vulnerable more so than she’d ever been in her life. She needed to at least appear strong.

She climbed the step and felt around with her toes for the lip of the ceramic toilet. Finding it, she backed up to it, lifted the gown and jacket, and squatted. Relief. Finally. When she stood, she felt a wave of dizziness and reached out and grabbed the wall. She was determined she wouldn’t look weak but she needed food. She realized she hadn’t eaten since before she and Ivy had gone to the festival. She’d not touched the congee left by the disgusting orderly. So she’d missed lunch and dinner, and now if she didn’t hurry back to her room, she’d miss breakfast. But had the nurse left her?

“Are you still there?” she called out, adjusting her clothes.

“
Shi
. I’m here.”

The nurse reached out and led her off the step, then let go and waited for Lily to take her arm. When she did, the nurse hesitated, then leaned her head toward Lily.

“What’s your name? I haven’t looked at your chart too closely.”

“Lily.”

“Okay, Lily, I know you’re scared. But if you use your Falun Gong breathing exercises, you’ll feel calmer. No one can really hurt you. They might inflict physical pain, but they can’t touch your spirit if you don’t let them. Be strong,” she whispered.

Lily’s mouth dropped open. Was the nurse trying to trick her into a confession?

“But . . . I’m not Falun Gong. It’s a mistake that I’m here.”

The nurse reached down and patted Lily’s hand. “Please don’t tell anyone I spoke of it. There are a few of us here, carefully planted among the staff. And we try to do what we can to help without calling attention to ourselves. As Falun Gongs, we believe in acts of compassion to all living things. The next nurse up for duty will not be so sympathetic. She’s a true Falun Gong hater—which is what we’re all supposed to be on this floor. But because of your illness, you are in a different circumstance than others. So I wanted to let you know you’re not alone.”

Her illness?
It took Lily a minute to realize the nurse meant her blindness. She wasn’t sure how to respond.

“Can I go back to my room, please?”

The nurse stepped forward and together they made their way back down the hall. When they arrived at her room, the nurse led her to the bed.

“Just wait here quietly and you’ll get some breakfast. I’ll go find you some clothes. You’re smaller than most who come through; I hope we’ve got your size. It’ll be hospital-issued pajamas, but warmer than what you have on.”

“Okay.”

“And I’m keeping the door open until you get your tray. Don’t go near it or you’ll get an infraction.”

With that she disappeared and Lily was left alone again. She heard the rattling of the food cart coming closer and was torn between anticipation to feed her hunger, and dread of coming in contact with the orderly again.

Lily sat as quietly as possible and listened to what sounded like an argument between a patient and another nurse. It wasn’t Guo—she could tell by the loud, abrasive voice. Lily heard a woman commanding someone to get back into the bed, then heard what sounded like a man whimpering. Farther down the hall a loud scream pierced the air. She concentrated on the footsteps coming close and tried not to think about the other—possibly insane—patients.

Finally the cart was in front of her door. Lily took a deep breath and waited.

“Congee or boiled egg?” a man’s voice called out.

She sighed in relief. It wasn’t him. At least not this time.

“Um, can I have both?” She hated to ask, but the truth was she was starving and she knew she needed her strength for whatever lay ahead.

The orderly didn’t answer but he noisily removed a tray from his cart and brought it in, then set it on the bed beside Lily. He quickly turned and left the room, slamming the door behind him. Lily heard the lock click into place but she wasn’t disappointed. She felt safer with it locked.

Lily settled farther up on the bed and crossed her legs. She pulled the tray closer to her and then set to touching it carefully to find out where everything was situated. When she found the hard-boiled egg, she picked it up and took a big bite. The middle was mushy and it definitely didn’t taste like the eggs from home, but she was grateful for anything. She set it down and felt around until she found a spoon, then tasted the congee, forcing herself to swallow the first bland bite.

She reminded herself that she wouldn’t act like a spoiled child. She quickly began shoveling the congee into her mouth before her brain could tell her how tasteless it was. She could get through this if only she concentrated and went with the flow.