Bitter End (34 page)
An abuser may be mean out of coolness rather than anger (that is, he or she is abusive in an unemotional, mechanical, detached,
or indifferent manner). Coolly aggressive abusers can be much more dangerous than emotionally aggressive ones. You should
plan to exit the relationship immediately.
Q: I suspect my friend is being abused. What can I do?
A:
Tell him or her what you have observed, and ask directly
(and privately) if something bad is happening. If your friend’s initial response is “nothing” or “I’m okay,” ask more specific
questions. You can also say “I’m concerned about you” or “You don’t seem happy (or relaxed).” If you get no response, but
no convincing denial, wait a few days and ask again. Keep asking as long as you keep seeing worrisome behavior.
Q: Some couples just fight a lot, and some people say and do things they don’t really mean while they’re fighting. How do
I know I’m being abused and we’re not just having a really nasty fight?
A:
Ask yourself these questions:
1. What would you call it if you heard about the same things happening to your best friend?
2. Do you hesitate to tell anyone else what is happening?
3. Do you feel tense or apprehensive when you are about to be with the possibly abusive person?
4. Do you feel guilty when you have been accommodating to the possibly abusive person?
5. Does he or she make you feel worse about yourself?
You can also share with a professional (see “Whom Can I Tell?”
here
) and get that person’s opinion.
Q: But I feel like it’s my fault and I’m always the one who starts the fights.
A:
Sometimes unhealthy, abusive people—particularly
those who are demanding or controlling—can make you so uncomfortable or fearful that you react by fighting. Your reaction
can be a form of protesting, getting distance, or feeling stronger in the face of an abuser’s pressure or manipulation. If
you have a pattern of starting fights, you may be scared, hurt, frustrated, or threatened, and you need the attention of a
helpful person. Happy people do not start fights.
Q: I don’t understand how I got into this mess. How do I get out of it?
A:
Take steps to get out of it first. You can analyze later, from a distance, how you got into the situation. Here are some
suggested steps for exiting an abusive relationship:
1. Write down everything that’s happened.
2. Tell an authority figure (for example, a parent, police officer, or principal) what’s been happening, and tell that person
about your plan to break up with the abuser.
3. Make, and write down, two plans.
How to break up with the abuser:
Try cutting off all contact. If the individual needs a more definitive message, write a letter
or an e-mail. Do not signal to the abuser that you are afraid. Let the abuser know you have confided in several other people.
Report even the slightest threatening behavior to someone in authority. Do not meet with the abusive person alone under any
circumstances or for any reason.
How to stay safe once you’ve ended the relationship:
You’ll
need a contingency plan in case the abuser pursues, confronts, or bothers you after the breakup. Again, seek the help of a
person in authority in making this plan.
These questions were answered by Daniel C. Claiborn, PhD, a forensic and police psychologist in private practice in Overland
Park, Kansas. He has been a therapist for forty years and has provided consulting and training for the Metropolitan Organization
to Counter Sexual Assault (MOCSA) in Kansas City, Missouri, for twenty years. Dr. Claiborn has taught graduate courses in
psychotherapy, family therapy, psychological assessment, and hypnosis at Iowa State University and at the University of Missouri-Kansas
City and has lectured nationally on psychotherapy, forensic psychology, and the criminal mind.
Nobody deserves to be in an abusive relationship. If you are being abused, it is very important to talk to someone who can
help you get out:
- a teacher
- a school counselor
- a police officer, including your school resource officer or campus police
- your doctor
- a minister
- your parents or a trusted friend’s parents
- your therapist
- a hotline or helpline representative
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
1-800-787-3224 TTY
1-877-739-3895
1-717-909-0715 TTY
1-866-331-9474
1-866-331-8453 TTY
Live chat at
www.loveisrespect.org
Copyright
Copyright © 2011 by Jennifer Brown
All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.
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First eBook Edition: May 2011
The characters and events portrayed in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
ISBN: 978-0-316-13414-9
