Birdsong (64 page)

Stephen eventually turned his face up to Levi. “Is it over?” he said in English.

“Yes,” said Levi, also in English. “It is finished.”

Stephen looked down to the floor of the German trench. He could not grasp what had happened. Four years that had lasted so long it seemed that time had stopped. All the men he had seen killed, their bodies, their wounds. Michael Weir. His pale face emerging from his burrow underground. Byrne like a headless crow. The tens of thousands who had gone down with him that summer morning.

He did not know what to do. He did not know how to reclaim his life.

He felt his lower lip begin to tremble and the hot tears filling his eyes. He laid his head against Levi’s chest and sobbed.

———

They brought up Jack’s body and, when the men had rested, they dug a grave for him and Joseph Levi. They made it a joint grave, because the war was over. Stephen said a prayer for Jack, and Levi for his brother. They picked flowers and threw them on the grave. All four of them were weeping.

Then Lamm went looking in the dugouts and came back with water and tins of food. They ate in the open air. Then they went back into the dugout and slept.

The next day Stephen said he would have to rejoin his battalion. He shook hands with Kroger and Lamm, and then with Levi. Of all the flesh he had seen and touched, it was this doctor’s hand that had signalled his deliverance.

Levi would not let him go. He made him promise to write when he was back in England. He took the buckle from his belt and gave it to him as a souvenir.
Gott mit uns
. Stephen gave him the knife with the single blade. They embraced again and clung to each other.

Then Stephen climbed the ladder, over the top, into no-man’s-land. No hurricane of bullets met him, no tearing metal kiss.

He felt the dry, turned earth beneath his boots as he picked his way back toward the British lines. A lark was singing in the unharmed air above him. His body and his mind were tired beyond speech and beyond repair, but nothing could check the low exultation of his soul.

E
lizabeth was worried about what her mother would say when she told her she was pregnant. Françoise had always been strict about such things, to the extent that Elizabeth had not told her that her boyfriend was married. “He works abroad,” she had been able to say, when Françoise had wanted to know why they had never been introduced.

She postponed the moment when she would have to tell her, but by March she was beginning to put on weight. Rather than work it into the conversation during one of her teatime visits to Twickenham, she decided to invite her mother up to dinner in London and make a celebration of the announcement. Part of the reason, she admitted to herself, was to wrong-foot Françoise, to put her on the defensive; but she hoped that her mother would share in her own happiness at the prospect. The date was fixed and the restaurant was booked.

Telling Erich and Irene was also awkward because her pregnancy meant she would be away from work for a time. Erich took the news as a personal slight against him and his son, who, he irrationally believed, ought to have been the father of Elizabeth’s children, even though he was contentedly married to someone else.

Irene was also displeased. Elizabeth could not understand. Irene was one of her best friends: she took her side in everything. Yet with this most important news, she seemed unable to share Elizabeth’s joy and excitement. She muttered a good deal about marriage and the family. A few weeks after Elizabeth had first told her, Irene came into her room at work to apologize.

“I don’t know why, but I was a bit put out when you told me about the baby. I expect it’s just the old green-eyed monster. I’m very pleased for you, dear. I’ve already made these for it.” She gave Elizabeth a paper bag in which was a pair of knitted woollen socks.

Elizabeth hugged her. “Thank you. I’m sorry I was so tactless. I really should have thought. Thank you, Irene.”

When people asked her who the father of the child was, Elizabeth refused to tell them. To begin with they were affronted. “It’s bound to leak out, you know,” said the ones who had not heard about Robert. “You can’t expect the child not to have a father.” Elizabeth shrugged and said she would manage. Those who did know about Robert presumed he was responsible. Elizabeth said, “I’m not telling you. It’s a secret.” Their irritation eventually died down, and with it their curiosity. They had their own business to attend to, and if Elizabeth was going to be silly about it, that was up to her. So, as she had thought, it was possible to keep a secret: people’s nosiness was finally exceeded by their indifference; or, to put it more generously, you were allowed to make your own life.

Elizabeth was due to meet her mother on a Saturday evening. In the morning she finished reading the last of her grandfather’s notebooks, translated by Bob’s arachnoid hand. They went into considerable detail. There was a long account of his burial underground with Jack Firebrace and the conversations they had had.

Elizabeth was particularly struck by a passage, somewhat unclear in Bob’s rendering, in which they appeared to have talked about children, and whether either of them would have them after the war. “I said I would have his,” was how the exchange appeared to end. Much clearer was the paragraph in which Stephen recalled Jack’s love for a son called John.

Having read all the notebooks as well as two or three more books about the war, Elizabeth finally had some picture in her mind of what it had been like. Jeanne, or Grand-mère as Elizabeth knew her, made several appearances toward the end, though the narrative gave away nothing of what Stephen might have felt for her. “Kind” was the tepid word most often applied to her in Bob’s translation; “gentle” made the occasional appearance. It was not the language of passion.

Elizabeth did some calculations on a piece of paper. Grand-mère born 1878. Mum born … she was not sure exactly how old her mother was. Between sixty-five and seventy. Me born 1940. Something did not quite add up in her calculations, though it was possibly her own arithmetic that was to blame. It didn’t really matter.

She dressed and made up carefully for the evening. She tidied her flat and poured herself a drink as she waited for her mother. She stood in front of the fire and straightened the things on the mantelpiece: a pair of candlesticks, an invitation, a postcard, and the belt buckle, which she had cleaned and polished so it shone with the glittering fervour it must have had when first cast:
Gott mit uns
.

When Françoise arrived she opened a half-bottle of champagne.

“What are we celebrating?” said Françoise, smiling as she raised her glass.

“Everything. Spring. You. Me.” She found the news harder to break than she had expected.

The restaurant she had chosen was one that been recommended by a friend of Robert’s. It was a small, dark place in Brompton Road that specialized in northern French cooking. It had benches covered in scarlet plush, and brown smoky walls with oil paintings of Norman fishing ports. Elizabeth was disappointed when they first arrived. She had expected something brighter with a noisy clientele more appropriate to an evening of good news.

They studied the menu as the waiter tapped his pen against his notepad. Françoise ordered artichoke and sole Dieppoise, Elizabeth asked for mushrooms to begin with, then fillet of beef. She ordered expensive wine, Gevrey Chambertin, not sure if it was red or white. They both drank gin and tonic while they waited. Elizabeth ached for a cigarette.

“Have you completely given up?” said Françoise, seeing her daughter’s nervous hands.

“Completely. Not one,” Elizabeth smiled.

“And have you put on weight as a result?”

“I … well, a bit I think.”

The waiter arrived with the first courses. “For you, Madame? The artichoke? And for you the mushrooms? Which of you ladies would like to taste the wine?”

When he finally left them and they had started to eat, Elizabeth said awkwardly, “I have put on a little weight, I think, but it’s not because of giving up smoking. It’s because I’m expecting a baby.” She braced herself for the response.

Françoise took her hand. “Well done. I’m delighted.”

Elizabeth, with tears in her eyes, said, “I thought you’d be annoyed. You know—because I’m not married.”

“I’m just pleased for you, if it’s what you want.”

“Oh yes. Oh yes. It’s what I want all right.” Elizabeth smiled. “You don’t seem very surprised.”

“I suppose I’m not. I noticed that you’d got a little heavier. And that you’d stopped smoking. You told me it was a New Year’s resolution, but you’d never managed to keep it before.”

Elizabeth laughed. “All right. Now aren’t you going to ask who the father is?”

“Should I? Does it matter?”

“I don’t think it does. He’s happy about it—well, happy enough. He’s going to help support it financially, though I didn’t ask him to. I think it’ll be all right. He’s a very nice man.”

“That’s fine then. I won’t ask any more.”

Elizabeth was surprised by how calmly Françoise had taken the news, even if she had guessed and therefore had time to prepare herself. “You don’t mind that your grandchild will be born to a woman who isn’t married?”

“How could I mind?” said Françoise. “My own mother wasn’t married to my father.”

“Grand-mère?” Elizabeth was amazed.

“No. Grand-mère is not my real mother.” Françoise looked tenderly at Elizabeth. “I’ve often meant to tell you, but somehow there seemed no need. It’s so unimportant really. Your grandfather married Grand-mère, Jeanne, in 1919, after the war. But I was already seven years old then. I was five by the time they first met!”

“I
thought
it didn’t add up! I was doing some sums after I’d been reading his notebooks. I put it down to my bad maths.”

“Are there references to someone called Isabelle in these books?”

“A couple, yes. An old girlfriend, I assumed.”

“She was my mother. She was Jeanne’s younger sister.”

Elizabeth looked wide-eyed at Françoise. “So Grand-mère was not really my grandmother?”

“Not in the flesh, no. But she was to all intents and purposes.
She brought me up and she loved me like her own child. Your grandfather went to stay with a family before the war. He had an affair with Isabelle and they ran away together. When she discovered she was pregnant, she left him and eventually went back to her husband. Years later, during the war, your grandfather met Grand-mère in Amiens. She took him to see Isabelle again, but Isabelle made Grand-mère promise she would not tell him about the baby.”

“And the baby was you?”

“That’s right. It was a silly subterfuge. I don’t know. She just wanted to spare his feelings. He didn’t find out until he was about to marry Jeanne. I was sent to Jeanne from Germany, where I had been living, because my real mother had died. She died of flu.”

“Of flu? That’s impossible.”

Françoise shook her head. “No. There was an epidemic. It killed millions of people in Europe just after the end of the war. Isabelle had always said that if anything should happen to her, Grand-mère was to bring me up. That was agreed between them when she first went to Germany with the man she had fallen in love with. He was a German called Max.”

“But didn’t he want to keep you with him?”

“I don’t think so. He was very sick from the war. He died himself not long afterwards. And I wasn’t his child, after all.”

“And so you were brought up as though you were Stephen and Jeanne’s child?”

“Exactly. Grand-mère was wonderful. It was like having a second mother. We were a very happy family.”

The waiter brought more food.

“Do you mind?” said Françoise after a minute. “Does it matter to you? I hope not, because it doesn’t matter to me. Where there is real love between people, as there was between all of us, then the details don’t matter. Love is more important than the flesh-and-blood facts of who gave birth to whom.”

Elizabeth thought for a moment. “I’m sure you’re right,” she said. “It’ll take me a bit of time to digest it, but I don’t mind at all. Tell me about your father. Was he happy?”

Françoise raised her eyebrows and inhaled. “Well, it was … difficult. He didn’t speak for two years after the war.”

“What, not a word?”

“No, not a word. I don’t know, I suppose he must at least have said ‘I do’ when they got married. He must have said a few words, just to stay alive. But I never heard him speak then. And Grand-mère said it was two years of silence. She says she can remember when he first spoke again. It was one morning. He quite suddenly stood up at the breakfast table and smiled. He said, ‘We’re going to the theatre in London tonight. We’ll take the train at lunchtime.’ I couldn’t believe my ears. I was only nine years old.”

“And you were living in England then?”

“That’s right. In Norfolk.”

“And was he all right after that?”

“Well … he was better. He talked and was very kind to me. He spoiled me really. But he wasn’t in good health.”

“And did he talk about the war?”