Billionaire on Board (11 page)

"No, not by three inches, I'm not."

"It's the shoes…" Ryan added. 

I did not, nor ever will, look in the least like Charlize Theron. Our only similar feature is blonde hair, sometimes draped over one shoulder. Well, maybe, the mouth, maybe also the cheekbones in the right light…

"Tell me, Ryan," Nicky eagerly beamed, "how did you meet Jude? Lilly never tells me anything, you know, anything."

Ryan's mouth twitched. "We met at a pub. The Silver Bell. It's in Cambridge, just off Wheeler Street, behind Corpus Christi."

I almost blurted out 'how did you know, have you been there before?', instead I nodded in silent agreement.

"Yes, but it is so exciting!" Nicky went on. "How did you approach the unapproachable ice queen? We want to know everything!"

I was furiously trying to think of something logical. Why had I not prepared anything beforehand? 

"I walked right up to her and asked her where her cello was. It was a total knock-out because she wouldn't believe I could remember her from eleven years back."

"What? You
really
remembered her?" Lilly cried in surprise and I could not tell whether it was real or fake.

"Certainly. You don't forget a beautiful girl who plays the cello, wearing high heels and hold-up stockings underneath her tartan skirt. I had front row seats… which, by the by, was rather unpleasant when the boys' choir sang "This sweet child Jesus Christ". I was drained in spittle."

"That's our Judy!" Nicky cajoled.

"You saw?" I was drowning in a sea of embarrassment.

"Sure. I watched you very carefully."

"We all wore gaiters back then," I explained, flushed. "To rebel against the system. His sister did too, you know."

"I don't think we should go into further details about my sister's past sins."

"How beautiful!" Nicky lifted his arms into the air. "What a beautiful love story, don't you agree, Blossom?"

Lilly's eyes had grown wider and wider. "I certainly do."

"So, Nicky," Ryan began, "how did you meet your wife? I already heard how you got married. Great car, by the way."

"Thank you, it's a 1980 Aston Martin Volante. It belonged to a steel dealer in Calcutta."

"Nicky…" his wife lilted, "you were asked how you met me, not the car."

"Yes, yes, I apologise. My car's my passion."

"I can perfectly understand you. My boat is mine."

"Yes? What kind of bo—"

"We met in Mogadishu,"  Lily barged in.

"Yes, yes. In the Mogadishu Grand Hotel. I was still in my old job, you see, as a consultant for petrol companies. Somebody said 'Hallo' and sat down next to me, and took a sip from my bitter lemon. It was Lilly. She was in Somalia with Unicef. The next thing she said was 'I love you' and she kissed me. I said, 'You can't be right, I'm too old for you, what do you want with me, who are you?' She said 'My name is Lilly, I'm on my voluntary social year, I will study medicine in Berlin. Do you have a room here?' I said 'Yes', she said 'Fine, let's go'."

"And it was such a groundbreaking experience you quit your job and dedicated your life to the spiritual world?"

Nicky shook his head. "No, no. Before Somalia I lived in India for ten years. I was head of McKinnley's office in Delhi. Yoga helped me with the stress and the conscience, I had practised for a long time. I wore the turban already when Lily found me. She says it's my second best feature."

"What's the best?"

"My penis." 

Ryan and Nicky laughed themselves giddy.

Nobody else did. Men!

"Are you a doctor, Lilly?" David asked uncomfortably. Maybe he had a small one.

"Yes."

"Do you specialise in anything yet?"

"Maybe I will be a gynaecologist. Obstetrician. At least something to do with spelaeology."

"What is spelaeology?" He had problems with the pronunciation, but then again, who would not?

"Cave science. Digging in holes."

Ryan, who had just recovered, went into spasms again.

"She can tell you all about your health by feeling your pulse." I tried to fend off the shaking man burying his face in my shoulder.

"Really?" Daisy stretched out her arm. "What can you tell?"

Lilly took Daisy's pulse and pursed her lips. "You smoke, you eat too much carbs…"

"Yeah, well, that's no news."  

"You have a cyst in your left ovary and you had a varicose vein removed."

"Wow! That's right! Cool! Amazing, you must go on TV or something."

"Oh, no," Lilly blushed. "I don't like to be in the centre of attention, I prefer to remain inconspicuous."

Ryan shook some more.

"Ok, now me!" Anita held out her hand and Lilly took it.

"Do you want me to say it out loud?" Lilly asked teasingly. 

Anita's face changed into a beacon of happiness. "Yes!"

"Yes, you're pregnant. You conceived after your last ovulation."

"Yes!!!"

"No…" David grew pale.

"Alright, I want to try," Ryan insisted after having calmed down sufficiently. "I can be neither pregnant nor can I have a cyst on my ovary."

Lilly turned towards me.

I shrugged and indicated he could do whatever he wanted.

Lilly took his wrist. "You're really healthy, Ryan!" 

"I come from good stock."

"But…"

"Is there a but?"

"You work too much, you don't want to do it anymore, you have begun to change your life in the recent past, you want to escape from the pressure forcing you on, but you don't admit it to yourself, you don't dare to. It's sitting right here!" She placed two fingers against the spot between his eyes. "Your Ajna Chakra is blocked."

"Ouch." He pulled away.

"Did it hurt? Yes, it's clear, it's blocked. Your third eye wants to see but you don't let it."

"Aha, right," he mumbled. "Well, I don't really believe in this stuff anyway."

Lilly winked. "You don't have to."

Nicky, always at the height of things, put an arm around his wife and smiled placably.

"You still have not told me about the boat, Ryan!"

The food was better than expected but the speeches were worse.

The entire table was eagerly nursing on alcohol to overcome the endless ordeal. Except Nicky. He never drank. Not for religious reasons but because he always wanted to be ready to drive Lakshmi. He was already on a different level of consciousness, no matter what.

Finally, about three hours later, everything was said, all games had been played and finally it was time for the waltz. Corinna and Christian absolved it without accidents but also without flair.

Ryan took me by the hand and led me onto the dance-floor. He whirled me around with extreme competence. 

Afterwards we went to the terrace where the smokers had assembled, but we left them behind and continued towards the empty tennis courts.

"Do you smoke?" I asked.

"Only cigars, once in while."

I crooned.

"You guessed."

"No," I lied.

"What about you?"

"Only when I'm stone drunk. I used to when I was a teen though. Silk Cut."

"But Michel supplied you. Not the Rugby team."

Before I could  say anything else, I was in his arms.

"When can we leave?"

"Not until midnight, there'll be fireworks. Then we're free to go."

"That's forever! What about an outdoor quickie?"

"My parents are here!"

"Ok, but I'm glad you're not generally opposed."

Did he mean he had any future plans regarding our, well, copulating? Plans exceeding this weekend? I shut out the thought. Men say all sorts of things when they are horny. 

Women do too. 

Why would
he
be the one to call the shots anyway?

Damn, I thought, Tina had been right, I was getting emotionally involved. Why on earth had I slept with him? It was against all the rules in the dating guidebook world! He could never regard me as wife material. Not after being such an easy prey! Ellen Fein and Sherry Argov would throw raw eggs at me!

But who said I wanted to be his wife material? I did not! I liked being single! He was a great fuck and nothing else. What did I know about him anyway? Nothing but his name! He could be a total maniac! In fact, why would a man who was as rich and as handsome be single at the age of thirty-seven? Something was definitely wrong here!

"Are you cold?" he asked when he saw the goosebumps on my arms.

"A little." I lied again. "Ryan?"

"Yes?"

"Have you ever been married?"

"No. Not that I know of. Why?"

"Oh, I only thought, you know, never mind."

"You wondered why I was still single at thirty-seven. You thought there must be something wrong with me."

"No, of course not!" I protested. "I'd never think such a thing. It was only curiosity. I mean, why not? Nicky was married to someone else before Lilly, it's completely normal these days."

"I didn't have the time. I work too much, didn't you hear? Do you want to go back inside? I don't want you to catch a cold before we start our twenty-four hours tantra workshop."

"Yes, let's go inside."

Fourteen

"We're getting married next week." Anita had stopped drinking the moment Lilly had enlightened her about her condition and she had found solace in talking. "In a lovely little church in Durban. We're both from there."

The rest of us were slowly drifting into numb indifference. I had fallen against Ryan who kept looking at his watch. Philppe Patek. Any questions?

"Forty-five minutes to go…" 

"We got married in our car," Lilly yawned. 

"How would you like to get married, Jude?" Anita asked.

I looked up with a start. "Sorry?"

"How would you like to get married. In church?"

"Hell, no. If I have to get married at all, I'd do it on a helicopter flight over the Matterhorn."

"I thought you were afraid of flying?" Ryan asked.

"Yes, exactly. I'd be scared shitless. It would be the ultimate sacrifice."

"I don't think you'll ever get married now, Jude." Corinna stood behind us, swaying dangerously.

"Hello, Corry. Are you having a good time? It's a wonderful party."

"I'm having a better time than you have." She laughed stupidly.

"You're the bride, you should be having the best time of all."

"I got him, you see?" She slurred. 

"I'm very happy for you."

"No, you're not," she spat and ambled around the table to face me. "I know you still want him for yourself!"

"What are you talking about?"

"What does she want?" Ryan demanded. His German was very basic.

"The usual. It's that time of the night."

"Oh God."

"I know you love my Chris! You have always loved him, you will always love him, but he's mine, you see, mine! Even if you bring your rich man here." She changed into English. "She will never marry you! She wants my husband!"

"Is that so?" Ryan did not even glance at her.

"Yes! Yes! Never. She does not love you."

"How dreadful."

"You're a scheming bitch!" She was back in her native language. "You only came here with this man to make my husband jealous! So he would leave me! You will never accept anybody else."

Without warning, I went hopping mad. The toad had insulted me one too many times. "As a matter of fact, I have!" 

"Ha! I don't believe you, you liar!"

"Ryan has asked me last night and I said yes!"

"Never! You'd have a ring! You wear no ring!"

"Yes and do you know why, you mad cow?" 

"No, tell me!"

"Because I did not want to upstage you on your wedding day!" 

"Ha! You already tried! Do you think only because you look like a Baywatch whore, all men will go crazy about you?"

Ryan giggled. Obviously he had understood the word "Baywatch" and had made the connection.

"I think the only person who's crazy in this room is you, Corinna! Why don't you get help, for a change?"

"You'd never accept him! Never!"

"I already have!" I reached with my hand into Ryan's pocket and found what I was looking for.

"Never! Never! You want to get to Christian behind my back!"

"Look!" I jumped up and whipped out my left hand in a movement worthy of Gandalf.

The fat diamond caught the light and sparkled like a thousand stars.

Corinna looked on in stunned disbelief.

Ryan looked on in stunned disbelief.

As a matter of fact, everybody in the entire room looked on in stunned disbelief. 

Only Mary Lou rose to the occasion. Literally. She used the momentary diversion to crawl out from under my parents' table and to leisurely jog across the dance floor, where the wedding cake waited to be cut at midnight (and now, you will have guessed it, comes the slapstick moment. But what can I say? This is how it really happened). She gulped it down in three bites.

"I hate you!" Corinna shrieked and ran off.

I stared incredulously at Mary Lou who licked her nose for one last time and raised her head in question as if to say "Anything the matter?"

"I love you," I whimpered and broke into maniacal laughter. 

So did everybody else. 

Except Christian. Or Corinna's parents. 

"I think we should go…" Ryan cackled and I nodded while tears of laughter were streaming over my face.

"The poor girl!" I wailed. "But I cannot say I'm sorry."

Fifteen

"No, Mum, it was from a Kinder Egg." I had called her as soon as we had got into the car. "I brought it on purpose. I knew she was going to pull a stunt. But really, Mum, we're not engaged."

"Oh, how sad! He's such a thoughtful boy."

"He's not a boy. He's thirty-seven."

"Really?"

"Yes."

I looked at Ryan. He had put on the unfathomable face again. I had not seen it in a while, I supposed it meant he was deeply in thought or somehow in touch with his feelings, you know, the things girls think men do, when they are actually not doing anything at all. He was probably only digesting.