Big Girls Do It Pregnant (6 page)

I scrutinized his face. “You didn’t take care of yourself at all?”

He shrugged, rolling off me. “Once, about two weeks after I left. It sucked. It’s just not the same, not satisfying at all. I’d rather have blue balls and wait until I can be with you.” He extended his hand to me and lifted me to my feet.

 
I put on my bra and slipped the dress over my head, stuffing my panties into my purse.

“Not gonna put those back on?” Chase asked as he dressed.

I shook my head. “No, not until I can go to the bathroom and clean up. I don’t think you understand how much you came, Chase. Even after I clean up, I’ll be dripping for days.”

He tied his boot and stood up, pulling me against him. “Sorry. I didn’t think to bring a condom.”

I shrugged and scrubbed my palm over his shaved head. “It’s fine. I like feeling you bare inside me. I’ll just be…squishy for a while.” I rubbed his head again, then looked into his eyes. “You should grow your hair back. I’m tired of bald Chase.”

He smirked at me. “Fine, if you want me to.”

At that moment someone knocked on the door. “Sorry, guys, but we gotta be on in ten,” Gage said.

“Coming right now,” Chase said.

I snickered. “You already did,” I said.

“Whoa, TMI, guys,” Gage said, laughing.
 

Chase kissed me, long and slow, and then we exited the room. Gage gave us a knowing smirk as I ran my fingers through my hair, which very likely looked as thoroughly just-fucked as I was in all actuality. I walked with Gage and Chase, chatting about the other bands on the tour.

They escorted me to the hallway, and I glanced at Gage. “Where’s Lindsey?” I asked.

“In the box already.”

“You better be nice to her, Gage Gallagher,” I warned. “She’s a sweet girl, not one of your groupie sluts. Don’t hurt her.”

Gage met my gaze, his eyes serious. “I know, Jay. I won’t, I promise. I’m taking her on a for-real date after the show.”

I gave him a surprised look, as I’d never known Gage to take a girl on a date before. He was in many ways a stereotypical rock star, especially when it came to women.

Before we parted ways, I pulled Chase aside. “Will you be here for the ultrasound on Thursday?” I tried to sound casual, and didn’t entirely succeed.
 

I would never tell him how much I wanted him there. If he couldn’t make it, it wouldn’t be his fault, and I knew it. I’d been putting off asking him until I saw him in person, and I wanted to keep putting it off, because I knew what the answer would likely be. I held my breath as he considered.

“I honestly don’t know, babe,” Chase said, grimacing. “I really want to be there. All I can promise you at this moment is that I will do everything in my power to be there.”

I swallowed, hard. “That’s all I’m asking. Do your best.”

Chase’s eyes found mine, and they were piercing. “What aren’t you saying?”

I shook my head and brushed a wayward red curl out of my mouth. “Nothing, honey. It’s just…I’m really hoping you’ll be there.” I put my hand over his mouth before he could speak. “I know you can’t promise me. And if you can’t, that’s how it is. I knew there’d be the risk of this kind of thing when I married you. Just try, okay? Now go kill ’em.” I leaned in, kissed him, and then turned him around by his shoulders and pushed him away, smacking his ass as he went.
 

I made my way to the private box and slid into my seat next to Lindsey, who was, as usual, busily tapping away at her phone.
 

She looked up when
 
I appeared, and grinned at me. “Well, well, well,” she said, “don’t you look pleased with yourself.”

I rolled my eyes at her. “More like pleased with my husband,” I said, covering up my inner turmoil over the upcoming ultrasound appointment. “So I hear Gage is taking you out later.”

Lindsey blushed. “Yeah, I wasn’t expecting that. I mean, he’s Gage Gallagher. He’s got a reputation already, and they’ve only been a big deal for, like, a year.” She picked at a thread on the hem of her miniskirt. “I’m kinda nervous.”

I patted her knee. “You should be, hon. Gage is a force of nature. The fact that he’s taking you on an actual date? That’s huge, Linz. He likes you.”

She narrowed her eyes at me. “Did you say something to him?”

I shrugged and accepted a diet Coke from the server. “I might have told him I’d cut off his balls if he hurt you. No big deal. Not like he could possibly mistake you for one, but I just didn’t want him to treat you like one of his little groupie hookers. You’re a classy chick, and he needs to treat you like one.” I turned a serious look at her. “If he doesn’t treat you right, ditch his ass. Just ’cause he’s a rock star doesn’t mean he can treat you like shit.”

Lindsey frowned at me. “I appreciate your intentions, Jay. But I think I know what I’m getting myself into.”

I laughed. “You don’t know Gage if that’s what you think.”

Lindsey turned to the stage as the lights went down, and I caught a thoughtful expression on her face before the stadium went dark. I wasn’t about to tell Lindsey some of the things I knew about Gage, none of them bad, per se. He was an intense person, and not someone to lightly enter into any kind of a relationship with, rock star status aside. I wondered if Lindsey really had any clue what she was in for.

Those thoughts were erased as a spotlight bathed each band member, Chase in front, right at the edge of the stage, Gage and Kyle to either side, and Johnny in the middle on his elaborate drum set. The crowd went wild for several moments, screaming and clapping, then gradually faded into silence as the band merely stood in place—or sat, in Johnny’s case—waiting. When the silence was complete, Johnny hit the kick drum in a slow rhythm,
bang…bang…bang…
building anticipation, getting blood boiling. The beat gave nothing away as to which song they’d start off with, and the crowd became restless as the kick drum rhythm continued, drawing out the tension. Chase extended his hand out to the side, low, and then slowly raised it. For every few inches Chase raised his arm, Johnny increased the tempo of his kick drum, until Chase’s hand was vertical over his head and Johnny was kicking the pedal faster than I’d thought possible. They held this for a heartbeat, and then Chase dropped his hand in downward slice. The gesture cut Gage and Kyle loose, and they both cut into a blistering power riff, the stage lights bursting into a flashing pattern. Chase bobbed his head in time to the music, then slowly brought the mic to his mouth and began the intro hook to one of their hardest numbers, a piece Chase told me was a tribute to Slipknot, Gage’s favorite band.

I watched them perform, watched my husband work the crowd into a frenzy, bringing them in on the crowd-favorite numbers, jumping out into the front rows of the mosh pit at one point, which had my heart in my throat until the security men had him safely onstage once more.

I wasn’t really into the show, though. Not all the way. My mind was on the ultrasound, and whether I really had what it took to be the wife of a rock star when it came time to have the baby. If I went into labor early, would he be able to get there in time? Would he be around for the baby’s first smile, first word, first step? Every once in a while I’d catch a pensive look on Chase’s face, and I knew he had the same concerns.

*
 
*
 
*

It was the day of the ultrasound, and I’d been fighting tears all day. Chase had called me the day before to tell me he had an interview today and wouldn’t be at the appointment. I knew it was silly. I knew it was just an ultrasound. At least, that was what I told myself to keep myself calm. He’d be here if he could.
 

Right? It was hard not to question everything, with the way my emotions were running rampant.

I sat in the waiting room, reading through old text conversations between Chase and me, just to feel any kind of a connection with him. My heart was in my throat, my eyes burning.
 

A nurse in maroon scrubs called my name, and I followed her down a short hallway, where she weighed me, and then ushered me into a dimly lit room. I slid onto the elevated chair, my phone clutched in my fist, waiting for the technician.

My phone buzzed in my hand and I slid the green icon across the “lock” screen to open the thread.
 

You have wifi access right now?
 

I went through the requisite steps to access the guest wifi for the doctor’s office, and then texted him back.
Yep. Why?

The three dots in a gray bubble appeared, and his response came through a few seconds later.
I put the interview on hold until after your appointment. FaceTime me.

I put my hand over my mouth and held back a sob. He’d found a way to be here anyway. I sucked in a deep breath to calm myself, hating how emotional I was all the time. I’d never been the kind of girl to cry at every little thing, so this was especially frustrating, since I couldn’t stop it. The technician came in and sat down in her chair, greeting me. She was a thin, younger woman with black hair cut in a short bob, and she had the coldest hands I’d ever felt.

The nurse tapped at the keyboard, slid my shirt up, and lined the waistband of my yoga pants with a white towel before slathering the frigid blue goo on my belly.
 

“Is it okay if I have my husband on the phone with me for this?” I asked her. “He couldn’t be here for the appointment, but he wants to be involved.”
 

“Sure,” the technician responded without looking away from her screen.

I tapped the
FaceTime
button on my phone, and after a few rings, Chase’s face appeared on the screen of my iPhone. I smiled at him, and we talked about the upcoming interview for
Spin
. When the nurse began sliding the wand across my stomach, Chase asked me to show him what was going on. I turned the phone around and showed him to the nurse, who flashed him a distracted and slightly irritated smile, which turned to awe when she realized who he was. I showed him the ultrasound equipment, and then focused on the screen showing the baby.
 

The nurse hit a key, and the room was filled with the distorted
thumpthump—thumpthump
of the heartbeat, and Chase gave a choked laugh at the sound.

“Is that the heartbeat?” he asked.

“Yes,” the nurse replied. “And it’s a good one. Right in the middle of the best range. I’m gonna see if I can get a good shot at the gender now.”

I swiveled the phone so I could see Chase, and felt love for him ripple through me at the emotions I saw written on his features.

“Where are you?” I asked him.

“I’m in the hotel room in Columbus,” he replied. “The guys are all down in the conference room, waiting for the interview to start.”

“Oh, here, look!” The nurse pointed at the screen, holding the wand low on my belly at an angle.
 

I turned the phone so Chase could see the monitor clearly. There was a blob of white against grainy black, moving and shimmering as the baby wiggled inside me. I couldn’t make anything out at first, but then I realized what I was seeing.
 

“It’s a girl, Chase, you see it?” My throat was thick as I spoke, and I mentally cursed the damned emotions.

“I see, baby. I see. It’s a girl. Our daughter.” He was equally as emotional, so I didn’t feel as embarrassed by my own.

I turned the phone back to me, seeing a single tear streak down Chase’s face. “God
damn
it, Jay. I wish I was there with you. We’re having a daughter. A baby girl.” He wiped his face and forced a laugh out. “It didn’t seem really real until now, you know? Seeing it there on the screen made it…god. Fuck, I’m really going to be a father.” He scrubbed his palm over his scalp, which was now darkened by growing hair.
 

“I know what you mean,” I said. “I knew it was real because I’m the one with the baby growing inside me, but this makes it all the more real.”

“Do you guys have a name picked out?” the nurse asked.

“We’ve discussed a few,” I said. “He likes Beth, and I like Samantha, after my grandmother.
 
We haven’t decided yet.”

“Actually,” Chase cut in, “I’ve been thinking, and I want to go with Samantha. Sam.”

I looked at him in surprise, seeing the satisfaction cross his face. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’m sure.” He smiled at me, and I wished I could run my fingers down his cheek. “Samantha Delany. It’s got a great ring to it, don’t you think?”

I could only nod until I had control of myself. So damn emotional. Ugh. I sucked in a deep breath and smiled at him. “Yeah, it does. Sam Delany.” I laughed. “I knew you’d see things my way.”

“Don’t I usually?” he asked.

The nurse smiled at our conversation as she continued to tap keys and shift the wand. “The rest of the appointment is just taking measurements and stuff. I heard Dad mention an interview, so if you have to go, you won’t be missing anything dramatic.”

I blew a kiss at the phone. “Call me after the interview,” I said.

“I will,” Chase said. “I’ve been told I have a couple days between shows after Columbus, so I’m going to fly back. We’ll do the nursery all in pink or whatever you want then, okay?”

I said goodbye, and we hung up. As the appointment wound down, I found myself alternating between a confusing welter of emotions. I was ecstatic at the thought of having a daughter, and I was so grateful to Chase for making the effort to be as involved as possible in the ultrasound; on the other hand, I was still terrified.

I stopped in the hallway as the thought hit me. I’d been skirting it for a while, but now it was out there. I was terrified. I’d never had to take care of anyone but myself. Even now that I was married to Chase, I was still basically independent most of the time. I’d held babies on a handful of occasions, when friends had them, but that was it. I had never interacted with a baby for longer than ten or fifteen minutes.
 

And Chase would be gone for much of it.