Big Girl (2010) (12 page)

"So where are you going for Christmas?" she asked him one night over a cup of tea.

"I've been invited to South Beach. I'm not sure if I'm going. Miami isn't really my scene." He was a serious man who worked diligently at the museum. She knew he wasn't close to his family, and wasn't planning to go back to Mississippi for the holidays. He said his parents were still upset that he was gay, and he wasn't welcome, which she thought was sad for him.

"I'm going back to L.A. to see my parents and sister," Victoria said pensively, thinking that her parents had never fully accepted her either. She had been a misfit and an outcast in their midst all her life. Even her size upset them and made her look different. Her mother would have preferred to die than be the size she was, and would never have let that happen. And her father still couldn't resist remarks at her expense, with no awareness of how hurtful they were to her. She never believed that his cruelty was on purpose.

"Do you miss them when you're here?" Harlan asked, curious about her family.

"Sometimes. They're familiar. Mostly I miss my little sister. She's always been my baby." Victoria smiled at Harlan as he poured them both another cup of tea.

"I have an older brother who hates me. Being gay was not the thing to be in Tupelo, Mississippi, when I was growing up, and it still isn't. He and his friends used to beat me up all the time. I didn't even know why till I was fifteen and figured out why they did it. Up until then, I thought I was just different. After that, I knew. I left the minute I turned eighteen, and came to college up here. I think they were as relieved as I was. I only go back once every few years, when I run out of excuses." It sounded sad to her and very lonely. But her life at home would have been too, without Gracie.

"I'm the odd man out in my family too," she admitted. "They're all thin people with brown eyes and dark hair. I'm the family freak. My father always gives me a hard time about my weight. My mother leaves clippings on my desk about new diets."

"That's mean," Harlan said sadly, although he had noticed the things and quantities she ate when she was tired or depressed. He thought she had a pretty face and great legs, despite the generous middle. But in spite of it, she was a good-looking woman. He was surprised that she wasn't dating. "Some parents do so much damage," he said thoughtfully. "It makes me glad I'll never have kids. I wouldn't want to do to anyone what they did to me. My brother is a real jerk. He works in a bank and he's dull as dishwater. He's married and has two kids. He thinks being gay is like a disease. He keeps hoping I'll get over it, like amnesia, and remember that I'm straight, which would be less embarrassing for him." Harlan laughed as he said it. He was twenty-six years old and comfortable about who he was. He was hoping to become a curator at the Met eventually, even though the salary wasn't great. But he was very dedicated to his work, just as Victoria was to teaching. "Will Christmas be fun in L.A.?" he asked with a wistful expression, and she nodded. It would be because of Gracie.

"I loved it when my sister was little, and she still believed in Santa Claus. We still put out cookies for him, and carrots and salt for the reindeer." He smiled when she said it.

"Do you have plans for New Year's Eve?" he asked with interest, trying to imagine her life there. She never said much about her parents, only her little sister.

"Not really. I usually stay home with my sister. One of these days she'll be old enough to have a serious date, and then I'll really be up shit creek."

"Maybe we can do something if we're both back here," he said, and she liked the idea. "We can go to Times Square and watch the ball drop with all the tourists and hookers." They both laughed at the image.

"I might come home from L.A. in time to do that," Victoria said thoughtfully. "I go back to school a few days later. I'll see what's happening out there."

"Text me and let me know what you're doing," he said, and she nodded, and they put their cups in the dishwasher.

Victoria left little gifts on each of their beds for all three of her roommates when she went to L.A., and she had presents for Gracie and her parents in her suitcase. She was happy to go home and be with her family and especially to see Gracie. When they got home from the airport, they all decorated the tree and drank delicious rum punch. It was pungent and burned her tongue a little, but she liked it, and her head spun slightly when she went to bed. It felt good to be home, and Gracie slipped into bed next to her, and they giggled and talked until they fell asleep. And both her parents seemed in good spirits. Her father said he had landed an important new client for the agency, and her mother had just won a bridge tournament. And Gracie was thrilled to be on vacation and have Victoria home for the holidays. She was happy to be there.

Everything went smoothly on Christmas, and her parents and Gracie liked their presents. Her father gave her a long gold necklace, because he didn't have to worry if it fit, he said. And her mother gave her a cashmere sweater and two books on exercise and a new diet. Neither of them noticed that she had lost weight since Thanksgiving. Gracie did and complimented her, but her praise was never as potent as their parents' insults.

And two days after Christmas, Gracie got invited to a party on New Year's Eve, given at the home of one of her friends in Beverly Hills. Victoria had nothing to do. The people she knew were all working in other cities, and two of them who still lived in L.A. had gone skiing. All Victoria did over the holidays was spend time with Grace. And Gracie offered to stay home with her on New Year's Eve.

"Don't be silly--you should be with your friends. I was thinking of going back to New York then anyway."

"For a date?" Gracie looked at her with interest. This was the first she had heard of it.

"No, just one of my roommates. I don't know if he'll be there, but we were talking about doing something on New Year's Eve."

"Does he like you?" Gracie asked with a mischievous look, and Victoria laughed at the question.

"Not like that. But he's a good friend, and we have fun together. He works at the Metropolitan Museum."

"How boring," Gracie said, and rolled her eyes. She was disappointed that he didn't sound more promising. She could see that Victoria didn't consider him an option as a romance.

In the end, Victoria left L.A. the morning of New Year's Eve. Gracie was going to the party at her friends', and her parents had been invited out to dinner. She would have been alone at the house, so she decided to go back to New York. She needed to get ready for school anyway. And she texted Harlan, hoping he would be back in New York. Her father drove her to the airport, while Gracie and their mother were getting their hair done. Victoria and Gracie had said goodbye that morning.

"Do you think you'll come back after you finish the year in New York?" her father asked her on the way to the airport.

"I don't know yet, Dad." She didn't want to tell him that she didn't think so and was happy there. She didn't have a wide circle of friends yet, but she liked her roommates, her apartment, and her job. It was a start.

"You would do so much better in another field," he repeated for the thousandth time.

"I like teaching," she said quietly.

And then he laughed and glanced at her. "At least I know you'll never starve." She marveled at the fact that he never missed an opportunity to take a dig at her or cut her down. It was an important part of why she was in New York. She said nothing to him after that, and sat quietly as they drove to LAX. And as he always did, he helped her with her bags and tipped the porter for her. And then he turned to hug her, as though he had never made the comment in the car. He never got it.

"Thanks for everything, Dad."

"Take care of yourself," he said, and sounded sincere.

"You too." She hugged him, and then walked into the security lines. She boarded the plane and just as she did, she saw that she had a text from Harlan.

"I'll be back in New York by six o'clock," he had texted her. She was landing at nine
P.M.
, local time.

"I'll be at the apartment by ten," she texted back.

"Times Square?" was his response.

"Okay."

"It's a date." She smiled as she turned her phone off. At least it was nice to know that she'd have something to do on New Year's Eve, and someone to spend it with. She had lunch on the plane, watched a movie, and slept for the last two hours of the flight. It was snowing when she landed in New York, tiny gentle flurries that made it look like a Christmas card as she rode into the city in a cab. She was excited to be back, although always sad to leave Gracie, and she had promised to let her come to visit for spring break. And her parents had said they might come with her. Victoria hoped not.

Harlan was waiting for her at the apartment, with a tan, fresh from Miami. He said he didn't like the gay scene there, it was too glitzy and superficial, and he was happy to be back too.

"So how was L.A.?" he asked her as she walked into the apartment.

"Okay. I had fun with my sister." She smiled back, and he opened a bottle of champagne and handed her a glass.

"Did your parents behave?"

"No better or worse than usual. I had a good time with my sister, but I'm happy to be back."

"Me too." He grinned and took a sip of the champagne. "You'd better wear your snow boots for Times Square."

"Are we still going?" The snow was swirling outside, but it was a gentle snow that hung in the air before it fell to the ground.

"Hell, yes. I wouldn't miss it for the world. We have to watch the big ball fall. We can come back and get warm afterward." She laughed and finished her glass of champagne.

They left the apartment in a cab at eleven-thirty, and got to Times Square ten minutes before midnight. There was a huge crowd watching the giant mirrored ball, and Victoria smiled at Harlan as the snow fell on their hair and lashes. It felt like the perfect way to spend the night. And then on the stroke of midnight, the mirrored ball plummeted, and everybody cheered. They stood there laughing and hugging, and he kissed her on the cheek.

"Happy New Year, Victoria," he said, smiling happily. He loved being with her.

"Happy New Year," she said as they hugged and looked up at the sky like two children, watching the snow come down. It looked like a stage set, and the moment felt perfect to both of them. They were young, and it was New Year's Eve in New York. For now anyway, it didn't get better than that. And it felt good to both of them to spend the evening with a friend. They stood there until their hair and coats were covered with snow, and then they walked a few blocks along Times Square among the bright lights and people, and hailed a cab to go home. It had been a perfect evening for both of them.

Chapter 11

Victoria's senior students were tense in January. They had two weeks after vacation to finish their college applications, and many of them hadn't done it, and needed help. She stayed after school every day to advise them on their essays, and they were grateful for her excellent guidance and advice. It brought her closer to the students she worked with, and some of them talked about their hopes and plans, their families, their lives at home, their dreams. Even Becki Adams asked for help, and several of the boys. A few of them admitted that they needed scholarships, but most of the kids at Madison had no worries about money. And all of them were relieved when they finished their applications and mailed them off. They wouldn't hear back until March or April, and now all they had to do was finish the school year without flunking out or getting into trouble.

On the last two days in January, Victoria attended an education conference at the Javits Center with several other teachers. There were a number of panels they could sign up for, group discussions, and lectures by well-known educators. She found it very interesting, and was grateful the school had let her participate. She had just left a lecture on early identification and warning signs of adolescent suicidality, by a child psychiatrist, when she collided with a man who wasn't looking where he was going and nearly knocked her down. He apologized profusely and helped her pick up the pamphlets and brochures that he had knocked out of her hand, and when he stood up, she was startled by how handsome he was.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to knock you down," he said pleasantly with a dazzling smile. It was hard not to stare at him, and she noticed several other women looking at him too. "Great lecture, wasn't it?" he said with a friendly smile. The lecture had opened a whole new line of thought for her. She had never worried that any of her students might be suicidal or secretly troubled, but she realized now that it was a real concern.

"Yes, it was," she agreed.

"I teach juniors and seniors, and it sounds like they're the most at risk."

"So do I," she said, as they drifted in the same direction toward a buffet that had been set up for their breaks. It had been a fascinating conference so far.

"Where do you teach?" He seemed perfectly comfortable chatting with her, and he was inclined to continue as they both stopped at the buffet.

"The Madison School," she said proudly, smiling at him.

"I've heard of it. Fancy kids, eh? I teach public school. That's a whole other world."

They went on chatting for a few minutes, and he introduced her to Ardith Lucas, a woman he knew who joined them, and then he invited Victoria to sit at a table with them. Everyone was jockeying for seats before they went to the next panel or lecture. And there were several tables set up around the room with free literature and books they could buy. He had a bag full, and Victoria had already collected the stack of brochures of most interest to her, which she'd dropped and he'd helped her pick up. He said his name was John Kelly, and he looked a few years older than she. Ardith was considerably older and said she couldn't wait to retire. She said she had done her time as a teacher for forty years and was longing to be free. Victoria and John were just starting out.

The three of them talked all through lunch. John was dazzingly good looking, extremely nice, and very bright. And after lunch he jotted down his phone number and e-mail for her, and said he'd love to get together sometime. She didn't get the feeling he was asking for a date, but wanted to be friends, and she had a feeling he was gay. She gave him her information too. She didn't know if she'd hear from him again, forgot about it, and a week later she was surprised when he called and invited her to lunch on a Saturday.

There was a new Impressionist exhibit at the Metropolitan Museum, and they both wanted to see it. She met him in the lobby, and they went through the exhibit, enjoying it together, and then went to the cafeteria for lunch. She was having a very nice time with him, and then mentioned that one of her roommates worked at the Costume Institute and was setting up a new exhibit that day. And after lunch they decided to drop by and see Harlan. He looked surprised to see Victoria, and was impressed by her new friend. It was impossible not to notice John's blond good looks, and his extremely athletic body, and when she saw them look at each other, her earlier impression of John was confirmed. The two men were drawn to each other like magnets. Harlan gave them a private tour of the Costume Institute, and when they left, John looked as though he hated to leave. And as they walked down the steps of the museum, he commented on what a terrific guy Harlan was, and Victoria agreed. She felt like Cupid suddenly, and loved the idea of introducing them. And on the spur of the moment, she invited John to dinner at the apartment on Sunday night. He looked very happy to accept, and then he took a bus downtown to where he lived, and Victoria walked home.

Harlan didn't come home till eight o'clock that night, after setting up the exhibit, and he wandered into her room when he got in. She was lying in bed watching TV.

"What was that vision of gorgeousness you brought to the Costume Institute today? I nearly fainted when you walked in. How do you know him?"

Victoria laughed at the look on his face. "I met him at a teachers' conference last week. He nearly knocked me down, literally."

"Lucky you. He seems like a really great guy."

"Yes, I think so too," she said, smiling at Harlan, "and I think he plays on your team."

"So why did he ask you out?" Harlan looked suspicious, and was worried he might be straight.

"To be friends, I think. Believe me, he doesn't look at me the way he looked at you." Men never did, not in her experience at least. "And by the way, I invited him to dinner tomorrow night." She laughed out loud at the look on Harlan's face. He looked as though she had just told him he'd won the lottery.

"Is he coming?"

"Yes. And you'd better cook dinner. If I do, I'll poison us all, unless we order pizza."

"I'd love to," Harlan said happily, and went back to his room, looking like he was floating on a cloud. He had never seen anyone as handsome as John. Harlan was a good-looking man too, and Victoria thought they looked like a good match. She wondered if some premonition or instinct had led her to introduce them to each other. It had been a spur-of-the-moment idea but now seemed like divine inspiration to her, and to Harlan as well.

He was a very proficient cook, and spent the whole next day in the kitchen, after buying a leg of lamb, potatoes, string beans, and chocolate cake at a nearby bakery. And by dinnertime, the smells emanating from the kitchen were delicious. John Kelly arrived right on time. He had brought a small bouquet of flowers and a bottle of red wine. He handed the flowers to Victoria, and the wine to Harlan, who opened it and poured them each a glass, and then they went to sit in the living room. And the two men got on like a house on fire. They never stopped talking until dinner, which was an hour later. And Harlan had set the table nicely with place mats and linen napkins, and candles on the table in the dining room. He had gone all out. And by the end of dinner, Victoria felt as though she were intruding on a date, and left them alone. She said she had papers to grade before school the next day. She closed the door softly, after telling Harlan she'd help him do the dishes later, and she turned on her TV and lay down on her bed. She was dozing when John knocked on her door to say goodbye and thank her. And when she heard the front door close, she went out to the kitchen to help Harlan clean up.

"So, how was it?" Victoria asked him with a smile.

"Wow!" Harlan said, smiling broadly. "He's the most terrific man I've ever met." He was twenty-eight years old and seemed extremely grounded, serious, and responsible and was fun to talk to as well. Harlan said he'd had a great time.

"He likes you too," Victoria commented as she rinsed the dishes Harlan handed her.

"How do you know?"

"Anyone can see that," she reassured him. "His face lit up every time you looked at each other."

"I could have talked to him all night," he said dreamily.

"Did he ask you out?" she asked, enjoying the romance starting right beneath her eyes, and she loved the idea that she had introduced them.

"Not yet. He said he'd call me tomorrow. I hope he does."

"I'm sure he will."

"We have the same birthday," Harlan said as she laughed.

"That must be a sign. Okay, now you owe me big time. If you two wind up together, I want a street named after me or something."

"If I end up with him, you can have all my autographed baseball cards from when I was a kid, and my grandmother's silver."

"I just want you to be happy," she said kindly.

"Thanks, Victoria. He seems like such a great guy."

"So are you," she said warmly.

"I never feel that way about myself. I always feel like everyone is better than I am, smarter, nicer, better looking, cooler." He looked nervous as he said it.

"So do I," she said sadly. She knew the feeling, and why she had it. It came from years of her parents telling her how inadequate she was, and her father letting her know that he thought she was fat and ugly. It had undermined her confidence and self-esteem since birth. And it was a cross she had to bear now. Deep down, she always believed that he was right.

"I guess our parents do that to us early on," Harlan said quietly. "I don't think he's had an easy time of it either. His mother committed suicide when he was a kid, and his father won't see him because he's gay. But he seems pretty healthy and normal in spite of that. He just got out of a relationship he's been in for five years. His partner cheated on him, so they broke up." Victoria was happy for Harlan and hoped that something came of it for both of them. He thanked her profusely again, and then they turned off the lights and went to their rooms. It had been a delicious dinner and a lovely night. And she had enjoyed talking to both men, although not as much as they had enjoyed talking to each other.

She left early the next morning, and didn't see Harlan that day, or the next. It was Wednesday when she ran into him in the kitchen when they both got home from work. She was afraid to ask if he had heard from John, in case he hadn't, but he volunteered the information very quickly.

"I had dinner with him last night," he said, beaming.

"How was it?"

"Amazing. I know it's too soon to say it, but I'm in love."

"Just go slow, and see how it goes." Harlan nodded but didn't look capable of following her advice.

She met John again in their kitchen that weekend. He and Harlan were cooking dinner, and John had brought over his wok and offered to leave it with him. They invited Victoria for dinner, but she said she had other plans, and went to a movie by herself so they could be alone. And they were out when she got back. She didn't know where they'd gone, and she didn't need to know. This was their story now, and their life. She just hoped it would turn out to be a loving relationship for both of them, and it looked that way for now. They appeared to be off to a terrific start. She smiled to herself as she thought about it and went to her room. As usual on the weekends, everyone was out. It reminded her that she hadn't had a date since she'd been in New York. No one had asked her out since the summer before in L.A., at least six months.

She didn't go anywhere where she was likely to meet men, except the teachers' conference where she'd met John. Other than that, she didn't go to a gym or belong to a club. She didn't go to bars. There were no single, straight, age-appropriate teachers at her school. No one had introduced her to anyone, and she hadn't met anyone on her own. She thought it would have been nice if she had, but so far all she had to fill her life was her work. And this time it was Harlan's turn, and John's. She was happy for them. And she knew that sooner or later she would meet someone. At twenty-two, it was unlikely that she would be alone for the rest of her life, no matter how overweight her father thought she was. She remembered her grandmother's old saying that there was a lid for every pot. She hoped that Harlan had found his. And with luck, she hoped that one day, she'd find hers.