beyond the grave 03 - a ghostly demise (3 page)

One side had a big picture of Granny on it, the other side was printed with
ZULA FAE FOR MAYOR!
It was her best advertisement yet.

“Yes, I heard you.”

“Then why didn’t you stop?” Granny’s eyes were magnified under her black-leather motorcycle touring half helmet and aviator goggles. Wisps of red hair stuck out from underneath her tight leather helmet.

“I have to go to work.” I poked my keys toward the front door of the funeral home.

“Dang”—Cephus stood next to Granny—“Zula Fae is looking better than ever.”

Ahem.
I cleared my throat in hopes Cephus would shut up like I had asked him to earlier.

“You will do no such thing,” Granny warned. “You will take you and your crazy right over to Doc Clyde’s to get checked out, then go back to bed.”

“I’m not crazy or tired.”

Granny steadied the moped by planting her new black-leather-motorcycle-booted feet on each side.

Over her shoulder, I could see Doc Clyde giving us the eyeball from the gazebo in the middle of the square. That’s when I knew.

“I see.” I swallowed. “Doc Clyde has used my little hiccup as an excuse to come pay you a little social call.”

Granny straightened her shoulders and put her chin in the air. “Emma Lee,” she gasped, “I might be old, but I’m a good Southern woman. And what you did inside and outside at Artie’s, I might add, was not a little hiccup.”

“Oh, hodgepodge.” My lips puckered. “I was teasing Doc Clyde when he was giving me the eye. You know I knew he was trying to assess me.”

After a few more minutes of looking me over and lecturing me about how serious Funeral Trauma was, she seemed to realize I wasn’t going to give in.

“Then come over to Higher Grounds and get a cup of coffee with me.”

I gave her my best narrow-eyed look. “Then you will believe me?”

I could definitely use a cup of coffee.

She crossed her heart, kissed her finger, and held it up in the air to the Great Beyond.

“I’m not riding on that.” I pointed to the moped.

In a flash, Granny whipped out a steel chain from the saddlebag attached to the side of her moped and some
ZULA FOR MAYOR
buttons. She chained the moped up to the tree in the front yard of Eternal Slumber.

Chapter 4

H
igher Grounds Café was located on the front side of the square near the courthouse and several other small shops. Eternal Slumber was on the side of the square near Pose and Relax yoga studio.

It was a beautiful morning to take a stroll. The sun was already out and had burned off the morning fog that was always nestled in the mountainous backdrop. The smell of fresh air was good for the soul and the mind. I definitely needed some fresh air for my head.

Cephus had it all jumbled up. Questions kept darting in and I needed the mental power to process the questions. So a cup of coffee was definitely welcome, to burn away my brain fog.

“Wait. I don’t want a coffee. I want an ice-cold Stroh’s!” Cephus shouted from behind me and Granny as we crossed over Main Street toward Higher Grounds. “You have to get me to the other side. Chitchatting with Zula Fae isn’t going to get me there.”

Granny rambled on about her campaign and how she wanted John Howard to stick a sign in the front yard of the funeral home.

“Sure,” I agreed to keep the peace.

Having her talk about the campaign kept her from talking about my little episode this morning at Artie’s. Plus, there was no harm in sticking a small yard sign in the front. O’Dell had one in the lawn of Burns Funeral Home. As Granny saw it, tit for tat.

“I’ll be a sonofabitch.” Cephus rushed ahead of us, catching my attention.

There was a beat-up, pale blue Buick parked in front of Higher Grounds Café that I didn’t recognize. He did. He eased around the old junker, looking in all the windows.

“Where the hell is he?” he demanded to know. He marched up and down the street in front of the café, looking for whoever
he
was. “Where the hell is she?”

My eyes grew big. I swallowed hard. I had no idea whom he was talking about and I couldn’t ask him. At least not right this minute, with Granny sticking to my side like glue. And people walking around.

“Looks like something’s going on in there.” Granny pushed her way through the door into the crowd.

Some of the Auxiliary women—Mable Claire, Beulah Paige, and Hettie Bell—were standing in a circle around one of the small café tables. I couldn’t see who was sitting down. Who were they talking to?

“Good morning!” Cheryl Lynne hollered above the crowd. “Two?” She made an air cup with her hand and put it to her lips.

I nodded. “I like the new shirts.”

I couldn’t help but notice the tight brown T-shirt with the yellow coffee cup, strategically placed right on top of her very endowed chest and showing off her perfect size-six frame. Her long blond hair lay perfectly over her shoulders.

“Thank you.” The words oozed out of her red lips in the slow Southern drawl that drew men in like a bar did a drunk.

“Vote for Zula Fae Raines Payne.” Granny handed a button to Dottie Kramer, who was dropping off her fresh carrots to Cheryl Lynne. “You let me take care of your loved ones, let me take care of you.” Granny winked.

Sometimes a wink spoke louder than words. This was the case with Granny.

Cheryl Lynne used the carrots to make the best homemade carrot bran muffins.

“No thank you. I’m a Burns voter.” Dottie Kramer pushed back Granny’s hand and gave Granny a big, long, theatrical wink.

Dottie didn’t bother getting dressed for her public appearances. She always seemed to wear the same thing. Housecoat, hairnet and white nurse’s shoes.

“I dee-clare.” Granny drew her hand to her chest and huffed on over to the crowded table. I followed behind, but not without staring down Dottie Kramer.

I averted my evil glance to Beulah Paige to let her know that she better not mention the little episode this morning.

Ahem.
Beulah Paige cleared her throat and skittered out of the way, making room for me and Granny to see what all of the hubbub was about.

There sat a woman with frizzy hair pulled up in a topknot right on the top of her head. She gave a great big lopsided smile when she saw Granny. Her front tooth was missing. Next to the woman was Leotta Hardy, Cephus’s widow. Someone I hadn’t seen in quite a long time.

Granny gave Leotta a polite nod, as did I. But not Cephus.

“Ah’m fixin’ ta kick some ass!” he warned.

He crouched with his arms to his side and swayed back and forth like he was ready for a throw-down.

“Zula Fae Raines.” The frizzy-headed woman stood up and put her arms out to greet Granny. Her six-foot frame towered over little five-foot-four Granny, but that didn’t stop her from giving out a big bear hug. “I mean Payne. Or whatever it is nowadays.” She pulled back, giving Granny a wink. I wasn’t sure, but I think she gave Granny a subtle dig. Granny took it in stride with a little laugh.

“How the hell are ya?” The woman gave Granny a pat on the back, only it was a little harder than a normal pat.

“I reckon I’m doing just fine.” Granny never did say much beyond that. She considered it bragging. “How are you, Bea Allen?”

“Finer than frog hair.” She pushed back a chair and patted it. “Sit down.” Bea Allen gave a little toodles to Beulah Paige and her gang, sending them away and sitting back down in her chair. “I’ll catch up with you girls later.” She turned her attention to Granny by crossing her legs. Her long dress rose up a little, exposing her feet.

Not the prettiest of sights. In fact, I had to turn away as her big toe was popped right out of the front of her sandals. Not a good look for Bea Allen, whoever she was.

“This here must be Emma Lee.” She patted the other seat. “I hear you have been creating a lot of stir around here lately.”

Not sure what to say, I eased into the chair and sat between her and Granny.

“But don’t you worry about old Beulah Paige Bellefry. She’s always thought she was hotter than Satan’s housecoat.” Bea Allen patted my knee before she turned her attention toward Granny. “What is this I hear about you running for mayor against my brother?”

Brother?
I had always heard stories about Bea Allen Burns but had never personally gotten to meet her. She’d been long gone from Sleepy Hollow before I had even cared who lived there. I was a kid when she left. It wasn’t like I kept up on the town gossip. Though when you lived in the funeral home, you learned that at a funeral, the vestibule was the best spot to be to find out anything you wanted to know about what was going on in the town. As kids, many times Charlotte Rae and I hid behind the thick, red-velvet drapes just so we could get a glimpse of the Auxiliary women in their fancy hats and clothes.

Funerals were a social gathering around these parts and everyone always looked their finest. Since Charlotte Rae and I didn’t have many friends, we had to play by ourselves and we would reenact the conversations we would overhear. Granny or Momma would always tell us to hush up and mind our own business. Spreading idle gossip wasn’t pretty and wasn’t nice.

Pretty is as pretty does,
Granny used to say.

Still, Charlotte always got to play Beulah Paige’s part because Beulah always dressed to the hilt and never left home without her pearls. Me . . . I was Mable Claire.

“It was good seeing you.” Mable Claire softly spoke over Granny’s shoulder. She had her hair pulled into a bun on the top of her head. Her mouth turned into a full smile, causing the balls on her cheeks to rise and her eyes to squint. “Leotta, I’ll call you later.”

Leotta nodded. Still silent.

Beulah tugged at Mable Claire’s arm, sending Mable Claire’s fuller hips into a giddyup. She jingled her way through the crowd stopping at each child, pulling a dime from her pocket and handing them one as she patted them on the head.

Mable Claire was kind and thoughtful. She had always been nice to me. Beulah Paige on the other hand wasn’t. Bea Allen was right. Beulah thought she was better than everyone.

“I knew! I knew it! I knew it!” Cephus had one hand on his hip while the other was in a tight fist, shaking it right at Leotta. “You little slut! I know that is Terk Rhinehammer’s old Buick! I’d know it from a mile away.”

Bea Allen and Granny made conversation, unaware of Cephus making a ruckus between them as Leotta kept to herself with her hands neatly folded in her lap. I bit my lip trying not to laugh as he carried on about how Terk had an eye for Leotta since high school. He even claimed Terk couldn’t wait for him to die so he could slip into Leotta’s life.

I grabbed my phone from my back pocket. If what Cephus said was true about Terk, maybe Terk had killed Cephus. This could be my first clue. I had learned that no stone can be unturned when you’re trying to get the dead to do just that . . . die.

“Honey, have you heard from Cephus?” Granny turned her attention to Leotta.

Everyone went silent. Inwardly, I groaned. Leave it to Granny to ask such questions.

Since Leotta was Mary Anna’s momma, Mary Anna wasn’t going to let her mom go around town with gray roots. Leotta’s hair was black as coal, along with her eyes. She reminded me of a younger version of Loretta Lynn, with her pointy nose, small mouth and thin chin. She wore a pair of capri jeans and a V-neck T-shirt that showed the top of cleavage. Just enough for men to take a look and use their imagination for what was under.

“Put on some clothes.” Cephus stomped around the back of Leotta’s chair.

It was the biggest uproar when Cephus didn’t come home after a long weekend. Most people would worry if one of their loved ones didn’t come home after one night, but Cephus Hardy was a different story.

He was known as the town drunk. He’d show up at the Watering Hole on Friday and not leave until Sunday morning, when there was no alcohol to be had. In Kentucky, the law stated that there were no alcohol sales on Sunday, which meant there were no bars open.

When he never made it home, Leotta knew something was wrong. I recalled Mary Anna telling Charlotte Rae about how Cephus would be in a stumbling, drunken stupor and her momma, Leotta, would spend most of Sunday sobering him up so he could go to work on Monday to earn his paycheck for next weekend’s binge.

“No.” Leotta gave a slight grin, exposing some pretty teeth. “Teddy has looked high and low for him. Best we figured, he must’ve traveled east like he always wanted to and found a bar on the beach. Never to come back. Nothing is certain.”

“Honey”—Granny patted Leotta’s hand—“nothing is certain except for death and taxes. He’ll be back.”

“Why would I come home when you are shacking up with Terk Rhinehammer!” Cephus jumped up in the air like he was doing some sort of wrestling move. “I’ll put him in a sleeper hold.”

“Terk Rhinehammer?” I asked out loud, and quickly shut my mouth.

Damn, damn, damn.
I closed my eyes, hoping no one heard me.

“Did you say Terk?” Leotta leaned around Bea Allen to put her cold, coal-black eyes on me.

“What?” Granny pulled back and glared at me. “What’s Terk got to do with Cephus Hardy?”

“Nothing.” I shook my head and put two and two together. The car that Cephus was up in arms about had to be Terk’s. “Isn’t that Terk Rhinehammer’s car out there?” I pointed to the street.

“How would you know that is his car?” Leotta’s eyes lowered.

“He used to drive that over to see Daddy,” I lied. As far as I knew, Daddy didn’t even know Terk, but Leotta didn’t know that.

“Good one.” Cephus pursed his lips and nodded, never once taking his eyes off Leotta. “Terk would never go see your daddy. We never ran in the same crowd.”

It was hard to keep my face still and not jerk up to look at Cephus when I knew everyone, including Granny, was watching my every movement.

I held my phone. I hoped they thought I was texting someone, but I quickly typed in the notes to check into Leotta and Terk’s relationship. How long had it been going on? What was Terk’s relationship with Cephus? How did Mary Anna feel about her mom and Terk? The answers to these questions seemed like a good place to start.