Beyond (4 page)

I told Mom and Dad I didn’t see the fallen line till it was too late. Like it snuck up on me.

Why couldn’t I tell them the real story? Because it was so impossibly crazy. I didn’t want to believe it—that my shadow could turn on me. I’d buried the memory of my earlier poisoning so deep it had the feel of a strange dream. This brought it all back.

Denial is a powerful thing. I told myself the electrocution had messed with my mind, knocking me out and
making me remember things wrong. I hadn’t seen what I’d thought I was seeing.

Still, one night when Mom was tucking me in, I asked her: “Does my shadow have a life of its own?”

She laughed. “Your shadow is stitched to your feet. Can’t make a move without you.”

But what if mine had come unstitched somehow? What would it try next?

Everybody in the cafeteria is watching.

“What’s with all the staring?” I ask Lexi. “Are they expecting me to put on a show? Do a trick?”

“Get used to it, you’re a celebrity. A living, breathing magic trick. You danced with death, wrestled with the Reaper. And won.”

Makes it hard to eat when every chew, slurp and swallow is under observation. I’ve spent ten minutes trying to finish this apple.

“Watch out,” Lexi tells me. “Idiots incoming.”

Two smirking loser guys are heading toward us. I brace myself, putting on my armor inside. Making my heart bulletproof.

“Hey, Jane,” says loser number one. “Heard you got nailed. Try getting screwed next time. Might put a smile on your face.”

Number two snorts a laugh.

“Yawn,” Lexi says. “Seriously, that’s the best you and your boyfriend could come up with?” She holds up her cell phone and snaps a photo of them.

“What’s that for?” asks number one. “You need something to keep you warm and wet at night?”

“No. There’s an online support group for virgins. I’ll add your profiles. Thank me later. Bye, now.”

She gives them a little wave. They leave, muttering “bitch” and “skank” under their breath.

Lexi rolls her dark eyes at me. “Didn’t you miss all this?”

I sigh. “Feels like I’m on display at the zoo, where they’re going to take turns rattling my cage.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I notice someone coming up beside our table. But this idiot isn’t here for me.

It’s Max. Lexi’s ex, who won’t stay ex’ed.

“Hey, Lexi. You’re looking delicious.”

A quick sketch of him: Messy black hair. Smoky gray eyes. Killer long lashes. Looks like he was raised by wolves. He plays in his own crappy little garage band. And he’s a total slut. He cheated on Lexi every chance he got.

“What do you want?” she says.

“Just to talk, or text. You never answer me anymore.”

“That’s because it’s over.”

She keeps her eyes down, like she’s checking out her nail polish. Lexi can’t look at Max. The breakup is fresh and raw. Hurts too much.

“Come on,” he says. “We don’t have to be enemies. We can still do the video stuff, right?”

Lexi makes these short films she posts online, and she got Max to do the music on a couple of them. In exchange, she shot a video for his band last year and made them look like they were for real.

“We can’t do anything,” she says.

He runs his fingers through his hair, messing it some more, and tries his best wolf smile. “How about with that new film you were working on? I already made up a little mood music for it.” She’s shaking her head, but that’s not stopping him. “Don’t say no till you hear it.”

“I don’t want to hear it. Don’t want to hear you.”

I know how tough this is for her, so I jump in.

“Why don’t you just go.” I wave him off.

He glares at me. We had a mutual hate thing going from the start. I knew he was bad for her—toxic. And he thinks I’m the reason she broke up with him.

“Heard you were dead.” His gray eyes go cold.

“I was. It didn’t stick.”

“Try harder next time.”

Then he exits.

“What a scumbag,” I say to Lexi. “But you were great. Strong. You didn’t give in.”

It was rough helping her break her addiction to Max, because he really knew how to play her. Whenever she tried to pull away he understood just what to say, and she kept falling for him. But no more.

“School’s like a recurring nightmare,” she says. “Where all your mistakes come back to haunt you.”

I nod, thinking about that last thing he said.

“What did that mean, anyway—‘Try harder next time’?”

She shrugs. “He was being an ass.”

“Yeah, but is that what everybody’s saying? That I tried to kill myself? I mean, they’re all supposed to think
it was just an unintentional clumsy freak thing that happened. That’s the official story.”

“I know. But suicide by nail gun makes a juicier story. They’re going with that instead.”

So that’s what’s behind all the staring and whispers. Makes me want to scream, It’s not my fault! I didn’t do this to myself! It’s not me.

Putting my half-eaten apple down, I notice the shadow of my hand on the tabletop. Matching my movements. Following my lead.

For now.

Once a week I have to go see Dr. Iris, psychiatrist.

I tried to argue my way out of this, saying I was just accident-prone and clumsy, not depressed, screwy or suicidal. But Dad wasn’t buying it. He’s a natural lie detector. And my explanation for how I got this nail in my head sounded suspicious even to me.

“You need a professional you can talk to,” he said. “To help you work things out.”

The problem with my “things” is that they’re impossible. I’d come close to telling Dad the truth before, but I always pulled back. He only believes in what he can see with his own eyes, what he can lay his hands on. No way he could wrap his mind around what’s been happening to me. And after all the crap I’ve put Mom through, I didn’t want to add having a mentally disturbed daughter to her worries.

If I spilled my secret they’d lock me up. And I don’t blame them—if I wasn’t me, I wouldn’t believe me.

So I lie.

“Getting back to normal?” Dr. Iris asks me now.

“I guess.” Whatever that is.

She has mousy brown hair pulled back and tied up. Pale skin. Thick-framed glasses. Dressed all in gray, a light sweater over a blouse, knee-length skirt and tights.

“How have you been sleeping?”

“I fall asleep okay. It’s just staying there—you know, in bed, in the house—that’s hard.”

“How often do you sleepwalk?”

“Maybe three times a week. But they’ve got this alarm system set up to keep track of me. So I can’t really escape.”

I can’t help fidgeting when I’m here, nervously playing with my hair, finding endless tangles.

“How do these disturbances make you feel?”

“I don’t know. Helpless, I guess. Out of control.”

I try not to relax, scared to let down my guard. I’ve got too much to hide. Her office is designed to calm you and open you up—from the warm pastel colors to the slightly dimmed lighting, the soft comfy chairs and even the way she sits there with her legs tucked under like we’re friends chatting.

“And when you’re awake, you’re in control?” she asks.

“Yeah. Of course.”

Except when my shadow takes over—if only I could say.

“And you’re back in school?”

I nod. “First day.”

“How was it?”

I shrug, finding a new snarl in my hair. “Same old crap, but worse.”

She raises her eyebrows, waiting for more.

“Everybody’s spreading lies about me.”

“What kind of lies?”

I hesitate. There’s one subject I avoid here, even though it’s always hanging in the air between us, like a bad smell. But there’s no way out now.

“They’re saying it was a suicide attempt.”

I watch her closely to see if she’s thinking the same thing, but she’s giving nothing away.

“What’s it like, hearing that?”

“Pisses me off. Like they think they know me. Like they know anything.” I squirm around on the chair, sneaking a peek at my watch. I’ve still got a lot of time to kill here. “People are always shooting off their mouths about me.”

“Because of your previous incidents?”

“Yeah. You know how it is—small town with small minds. And big mouths.”

“What do they say?”

“That I’ve got some kind of death wish. That I’m crazy.”

I shake my head, looking away from the doctor to the rain-washed windows.

But I’m not crazy. How can I be so sure? After all that’s happened to me?

Because there was one time that my shadow turned on me when I wasn’t alone.

I had a witness.

Lexi.

The summer we were thirteen, me and Lexi took a shortcut to her place on the outer limits of Edgewood. Quickest way there is to follow the train tracks that run past town.

Summer is a real shock to the system around here. After months of endless downpours and gray skies, the sun breaks through like a miracle. We stumble out into the light, as if waking up from the longest dream.

So on this hot June afternoon, I was walking on the tracks, using one of the steel rails like a balance beam, with my arms held out to keep me steady. There was a warm breeze, carrying the smell of everything green.

Lexi was up ahead, searching by the side of the tracks for flattened pennies. Kids line them up on the rails for the trains to crush. They’re supposed to be good luck after. But when the steel wheels hit them, the coins go flying, so you never find them all.

“Got one,” she called out, the copper flashing in the sun as she held it up. “An American penny. Lincoln’s head is all weird now. He looks like an alien.”

“Find me one. I could use some luck.”

I was scaring up crickets as I went, stepping over a few sunning themselves on the rails, sending them hopping into the weeds.

My focus was on my feet when Lexi shouted.

“Train!”

The tracks made a sharp turn up ahead into the trees, so the train was still out of sight.

A humming drone filled my ears, as if the crickets were starting a riot. Then I felt a vibration shoot through me that I thought was rising up from the rail underfoot.

I went to step off the tracks. But my feet stayed stuck. Looking down, I couldn’t see what was holding them. But they wouldn’t budge. It was like they were magnetized to the rail.

With the sun behind me, my shadow stretched ahead across the wooden planks. Just as my confusion started to edge into panic, I felt that familiar haziness.

The vibration got stronger, making me tremble all over as if something was squirming over my flesh. My shadow was taking over. This time it didn’t need to make me do anything but stand still. And wait.

No! I screamed inside. I won’t let you! Not again!

I wanted to reach down and pull my feet free, but my arms were paralyzed at my sides. Useless. I saw my shadow shift. The silhouette of my head seemed to turn around to face me.

As the deadening calm swept over me, I heard Lexi calling my name. Her voice was like a lifeline, keeping me from going under.

The train broke from the trees, speeding straight for me. Lexi was yelling.

“Move, Jane! Get off!”

But my feet were welded in place.

“Jane!”