Beyond Belief (50 page)

T
HE LONGER
I
WAS OUT, THE MORE
I
CAME TO UNDERSTAND THAT
my life had been owned by the Church. For years, I had sensed that something was wrong; learning the truth about what had gone on behind the scenes shed new light on my suspicions. I was astonished to hear how high up in the Church concern and control over my time as a Sea Org member had gone. In late fall 2007, my parents called to tell me that Mike Rinder was in their living room. I immediately assumed he must be there to either handle them, or gather information about me. To my surprise, neither was true: He’d had a falling-out with my uncle over a BBC television segment about Scientology, and, in the aftermath, Mike had walked out of the Church.

I was shocked. I had just seen Mike on television a few weeks earlier. Defending the Church. Mike Rinder leaving was huge. I wondered what had become of Cathy, B. J., and Taryn. My parents told me that the rest of Mike’s family had disowned him. Months later, when Mike had a chance to cool off after his departure from the Church, we heard his firsthand accounts of the so-called handlings of my parents and me. He told me that he and Marty Rathbun had been assigned to handle my parents when they’d first announced they were leaving the Sea Org, in 2000. They’d made their decision to leave known, then locked themselves in their room at the Int Base and refused to open the door. Mike and Marty were in Clearwater at the time, but Uncle Dave considered this a big enough problem that he ordered them back to Int immediately to deal with it. Mike described my uncle as micromanaging in their dealing with my parents. He demanded reports on anything that transpired and dictated endless orders as to what was to be done. This is what Mike told me:

At the outset, my father was refusing to talk to anyone, especially his brother, so Uncle Dave instructed Mike and Marty to split my parents up, even if it meant physically taking my father out of the room. He then instructed them to security-check both my parents. Everything they said was to be reported to Uncle Dave in detail. Several days later, when my parents still hadn’t changed their minds about leaving, Uncle Dave unleashed his fury, calling Mike and Marty incompetent and incapable, before telling them that he would speak to his brother himself. The two met on the
Star of California,
the ship replica at the Int base, where Uncle Dave offered my father $100,000 to have only my mom leave; the move failed to convince my father to stay.

As it became clear that my parents were leaving, my uncle wanted them out of the country, so my father randomly selected Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, as the place they would settle. This worked out well for the Church, as a private investigator for the Church ran a local ATV (all-terrain vehicle) rental shop there, so he could keep an eye on them. Uncle Dave was concerned that they would be subpoenaed for deposition in the Lisa McPherson case if they were in the United States. It was only later that Mike learned why Uncle Dave had been so afraid, which was that Uncle Dave had told my parents that he had supervised her auditing during the period before her death. My parents had no intention of creating problems for the Church, but they had to go anyway. They finally agreed when they were told that I would be joining them there. Uncle Dave had assured them that he would be the one handling me.

Anne Rathbun of course handled me, although it turns out she had been supervised directly by Uncle Dave. I had always wondered how much Uncle Dave knew about what was going on with me when my parents were leaving. Mike said that after I had been sent back to Los Angeles from Flag, Uncle Dave’s plan had been to resettle me in Mexico with my parents, regardless of what I wanted. Apparently, my uncle told Mike many times that I was a spoiled brat who contributed nothing to the Sea Org, so it would be no loss to get me out, and would keep my parents happy. When I refused to go, the whole plan had to be rethought. It was telling that Uncle Dave was always pulling the strings, but never showing his face.

All those hours that Marty and Mike had left me alone in the conference room claiming to have forgotten me, they were in Uncle Dave’s eleventh-floor office being subjected to his rage. He was furious about their incompetence in failing to deal with a young girl who, in his estimation, was not only lazy and incapable of doing anything useful, but also too stupid to think for herself. I wasn’t surprised that my uncle had said these things about me. Doing it behind my back was a way to keep himself unaccountable. From everything I learned about him, he thought he was the only one capable of doing anything right.

Mike said that it was the first time that he had been ordered to persuade someone to
leave
the Sea Org, and didn’t feel right about it. My uncle had not banked on how indoctrinated I was. When they told him that I wanted to stay, Uncle Dave was frustrated. He still wanted me to go, but, in the end, he said than I was a better Sea Org member than either Mike or Marty, which was his way of signaling that it was okay for me to stay.

When I was asked to make the phone call to my parents to tell them it had been my decision to stay, I didn’t realize how much discussion had already gone on. Apparently, my father demanded to speak to me, but Uncle Dave would not allow it; he wasn’t willing to get on the phone himself so he listened via speakerphone and had Mike and Marty speak for him. Only after my mother became threatening did Dave decide my parents could talk to me.

After hearing how involved my uncle had been in my parents’ leaving, I wasn’t surprised to learn that Uncle Dave had also been responsible for the handling of Dallas’s and my departure. Not only was he aware of what was going on, he was directing all the action. He’d been responsible for all the sneaking around and trying to convince Dallas to stay. He’d been encouraging people to keep Dallas in, and push me out. It was unlikely that this had anything to do with Dallas himself. Though Dallas and I had been married for three years, Uncle Dave had never met him. It seemed more about making my life miserable and creating as many barriers as possible for us. Family meant nothing to him.

Uncle Dave had kept track of me far beyond that which I had imagined. I knew that I was being controlled and that there was a system in place, but I never knew that it came down to a single person. What struck me once again was how he always had his decisions carried out by others. He insulated himself from his actions and the human toll that that they took. He didn’t have to confront the uncomfortable questions that his decisions raised about just how disconnecting people from their families served the greater good, and what any of this had to do with Scientology.

Perhaps the most surprising thing about hearing all this was that I wasn’t surprised. By the time I spoke to Mike Rinder, I’d heard so many bad things about my uncle’s behavior from former Scientologists that there was little left that could shock me. Everyone who left the Church had a story about him and what he’d done. My story wasn’t very different from theirs. In the end, not even my last name could spare me from my uncle’s watchful eye.

I
AM NO LONGER A BELIEVER.
I
AM NOT RELIGIOUS.
I
BELIEVE IN
what I can see. Dallas believes in the possibility of God, past lives, reincarnation, and karma. I believe in the
possibility
of these things, but I do not count on them or incorporate them into my thinking.

It was a huge adjustment of perspective to realize that the life I am living may be my one and only. All the people I know who are still in the Church may be wasting the only life they have. However, having one life also allows me to see the beauty of it, what a miracle it is that we can live, and how important it is to be an individual. Nobody in this world was born to be the same as anyone else. Turning people into robots, especially children, is a crime against nature itself.

There is so much beauty in humanity and I’ve only been able to appreciate it in the last few years. I am touched by actions like those of families concerned enough to try to protect their kids from Scientology; people who have let me cry on their shoulder, and supported me in speaking out against Scientology; Dallas’s whole non-Scientology family, who are as genuine and truly caring as they come; and authority figures that I have in my new life, who are caring and compassionate despite the power they hold.

My mother recently moved to California to be closer to her grandchildren. She is a doting grandparent, eager to make up for what she missed out on with me. My father still lives in Virginia. Justin and his girlfriend live there, too. Sterling is living abroad. Uncle Dave is still the head of the Church. As far as I know, my parents never spoke to him after my departure. I have never talked to him. I tried calling Aunt Shelly years ago, but I never heard anything. She hasn’t been seen in public since 2007, but, recently, a lawyer spoke out on her behalf, saying that she was fine. He was putting it out there in response to an article in a newspaper or blog saying that she was missing.

In 2012, Grandpa Ron—my dad’s father who’d brought the whole Miscavige family into the religion in the first place—caused a stir when word got out that he too had left the Church. Given his long commitment, it was a nice surprise. To hear him tell it, in the end, he simply got fed up with everything and had to leave. In his own words he, “escaped.” He and his wife Becky are now living with my dad in Virginia. Grandpa Ron was just one of several high-profile people who’d left in recent years, a rapidly growing list that in addition to Mike Rinder also included Marty Rathbun whose wife Ann remained in the church.

The day I signed my book contract, Dallas’s parents were declared SPs for refusing to disconnect from us. Dallas’s siblings still talk to us, and we love them and see them all the time. Dallas’s parents still believe in Scientology itself but see the corruption within the Church and don’t agree with how it is being run. As far as the Church is concerned, we are obviously SPs, although we still have not been declared so, as far as we are aware. We haven’t heard from the Church in years, and they seem to have stopped following us.

While I’ve moved on in my life, some things in the past are hard to forgive. To me, the Church is a dangerous organization whose beliefs allow it to commit crimes against humanity and violate basic human rights. It remains a mystery to me how, in our current society, this can go on unchecked. It is particularly insidious because of its celebrity advocates and affiliated groups, such as Narconon, Applied Scholastics, and the Citizens Commission on Human Rights. I feel that people should be warned about what the Church truly is, who its founder really was, what really goes on there, the lengths it is willing to go to, and what they are willing to sacrifice in the name of achieving their ends. The ends themselves are shrouded in secrecy and conflicting information. Scientology always has been a game of power and control. L. Ron Hubbard was the ultimate con man, and it’s hard to figure out how much of Scientology was an experiment in brainwashing and controlling people, and how much of it was truly intended to help people.

While I have plenty of reasons to loathe my uncle, I also try to see him for what he once was: A kid, who, like so many others was duped by the system and was too young and irresponsible to make the right choices. By the time he was sixteen, and joined the Sea Org, he was already in too deep. He made his choice. I don’t know who he would be if he had never encountered Scientology, or how much of his personality is shaped by Scientology.

Still, it’s hard to reconcile the idea of him as a child with the adult he is now. Many former Sea Org members and Scientologists are quick to blame Dave, and Dave alone, for their experiences. The truth, I feel, is a bit murkier. There’s little doubt that my uncle has played a leading role in defining much of how modern Scientology works; but to place blame squarely on him is to miss the larger point. The problem with Scientology is bigger than one man, not just Uncle Dave or LRH. The problem is Scientology itself. The problem is that Scientology is a system that makes it nearly impossible for you to think for yourself. People like my uncle are enablers who create an environment of fear that discourages independent thought. Get rid of them and you would continue to have a system that, almost by definition, restricts individual freedoms.

Today, when we are in Los Angeles to visit friends, we drive by the base there. We see the Sea Org drones coming and going from the buildings and walking along the sidewalks. They are recognizable by their uniforms and their blank stares. They are in a different world. Looking at them, I find myself taken back to a time, not that long ago, when I too wandered mindlessly from building to building. I remember how those walks from one building to another were some of our only encounters with the outside world, and how, even during those brief moments outside, people in passing cars would yell at us that we were brainwashed, as their cars sped away.

At the time, our reaction to the word “brainwashed” was disbelief. We’d look at each other, shocked that we who were seeking the ultimate truths of the universe could be brainwashed. We’d recite Scientology slogans, such as “Think for yourself,” to each other, and take comfort that we alone could make the world go right. After all, if we were the greater good, then who were they?

Seeing the followers walk around now, I have been tempted to yell too, especially when seeing some of my old friends. Tempted to help them realize what’s going on and bridge the distance between their world and mine. I open my lips to speak, but each time, the words catch in my throat. What stops me isn’t fear; it’s the knowledge that I can’t force them to believe anything that they are not ready to believe.

Ultimately, Scientologists make a choice about what they believe, and make a choice as to whether they’re willing to ignore the small but persistent voice inside them saying that something isn’t right. The brainwashing by the Church teaches people to go against their instincts, and it is too strong, too deeply ingrained for the outside world alone to set things right. The desire to change must come from within. They have to have the realization themselves to believe it.