Between You & Me (20 page)

MOM

Sit down for a minute. Can I tell you a secret?

I turn back and flop down at the kitchen table. Mom comes over and scoots a chair in beside me.

MOM

Before I was your mother, I was a teenager.

I smile for the first time today.

ME

Ha-ha!

MOM

Strange but true. When things went wrong, it felt like the world would end. But it never did. Now, I can't even remember what those things were. It doesn't make whatever
this
is less upsetting, but trust me that someday you'll have a new perspective. It's only as important as you let it be.

She smiles and I love her for trying.

There was this guy I liked in school. He asked me to the dance, and I was thrilled—spent hours picturing every moment. That night, he kissed my best friend, Sophie Vargas. She was gorgeous but already had a date and it seems he just needed an in.

ME

Oh, Mom!

She nods and all of a sudden I can see her at my age.

I thought you said you couldn't remember any of those things!

MOM

So, there are some you never forget. But I survived, didn't I?

As she gets up, I realize that she helped me think about something else for thirty seconds. And yet I'm quite sure that this is one I'll never forget.

We pass Mia's room first thing. I have an overwhelming desire to see her. Her door is open a crack and there is a sliver of sun across the hallway. There are voices. Two, and I'd know hers anywhere. Thank God she's here today. I press my face to the crack to see what's happening. Mia is standing behind her desk. The second voice is the department head. Footsteps come toward me, bringing her imposing shadow closer, and the door pushes shut. The sun's gone. Mia is in trouble and it's my fault.

If yesterday felt slow, this morning seemed to stop. Finally, I'm here waiting for a rehearsal with Mia. I'm terrified that she won't show up or that she'll be somehow changed.

Relief courses through my body as I see her round the corner. From here she has her usual serene expression, so not everything can be different. She smiles as she reaches me and, despite everything, I feel the same as always when I look at her.

In my bathing suit, clutching my towel around me, I'm staring into the still, green-blue water, semi-naked in front of the one person who has turned my world upside down—not feeling remotely vulnerable or anything! I kneel down to feel the water and gaze at the rippling shape of my reflection. Mia appears beside me. We still haven't really spoken, I can't find the courage. I slip into the deep end of the pool and cling to the side. When I look up at her, this, for some reason, strikes me as the last moment I can bear to leave everything unsaid.

ME

Did you see it?

MIA

See what?

I feel so small beneath her. She kneels at the side of the pool in front of me.

ME

The picture!

MIA

Yes, I saw that.

Her tone is still calm.

But Phy—

She holds on to my forearms, looking into my troubled eyes.

Try not to care so much what people think.

Not care? Ha! I blink.

ME

And you're not in trouble?

MIA

Why would I be in trouble?

This makes sense to me now. I struggle to make sense of the rest of my jumbled thoughts.

ME

When you weren't here yesterday …

MIA

Oh … I had an interview … I've got a new full-time teaching position for next semester.

She is clearly minimizing her excitement for my sake. I swallow.

ME

That's great.

For a moment everything seems so normal, except for me. I feel like I've been spinning out of control all by myself. I press my face against my arm and take a breath.

MIA

Ready?

Pushing away from the wall, I nod and sink into the water. Opening my eyes and looking up at the surface, I see Mia's outline, kneeling at the side and shimmering. I sink deeper, feeling the pressure increase and wondering how I possibly got to this point. I swim away along the bottom of the pool and back. My lungs are bursting but I would stay down here forever if I could. After another thirty seconds, I start rising to the surface against my will. Mia reaches into the water and brings me gently into the air, supporting my chin on the surface. I float there. She smiles.

MIA

Yes, I think you're ready.

I'm hiding: sitting at the window and watching people collect in the courtyard below—still avoiding public places. Silence sounds louder in a big room because it echoes back at you. I rest my forehead against my hand as the sun comes out and casts a long window-shaped shadow across the table in front of me. It's strangely peaceful. Looking down, I notice Cara's face, amid a group of people, turned up to my window and I meet her gaze. Almost immediately she disappears from sight. I'm not surprised to see her at the top of the library stairs moments later. She makes no effort to be quiet.

CARA

Hey, rock star. Why are you hiding up here?

ME

You didn't see the site?

CARA

Are you kidding? Sure I did. I'd be out there taking a bow.

This is a genuinely befuddling moment.

ME

Why?

CARA

You scored a hottie. So what's the problem?

She is so matter-of-fact I almost can't help agreeing. I don't even see the need to set her straight.

But sure, be like everyone else. See if I care.

She smiles and, for the first time since all this happened, I actually do feel normal. She turns toward the door.

CARA

Are you coming?

I hesitate, glancing out the window at the pack of people.

Come on. They're probably just jealous. And you can't stay in here forever.

ME

I figured I could at least sit here until this class graduates.

CARA

You'd get hungry.

She smiles again. Perspective. I think of Mia and everything I'm hiding from. Sitting here isn't going to solve any of it. I push back my chair—the screech deafening in the silence—and I follow Cara out into the sun.

Cara gives my arm a reassuring squeeze and I cross the courtyard toward you. I am a sitting duck, the bobbing downy underside before it gets swallowed by a crocodile, leaving a single floating feather on the surface of the water. Grace looks over. Her eyeliner today is almost raccoon-like.

GRACE

Hey, Phyre. You didn't mind about the picture, did you?

Me? Mind? No!

We were just messing around.

And it was hysterical!
I bite my lip and smile, as she seems halfway genuine. She babbles on, then rests her forearm on my shoulder. I cover my surprise with a sound a horse might make. I consider pretending to go with this, to play at being
jovial as if the whole thing has amused me, but I don't see why I should pretend that it's all fine. I stand as casually as I know how for about thirty seconds, and then I press a decisive fist to your arm and start toward the door. We walk.

As we reach the hallway, you break into a smile, a partial celebration of my survival and, partly, I can tell, residual amusement at the sounds I make when under pressure. You used to name them: angry hippo, confused parrot. This time, I let it slide. You're one of the few people I let laugh at me, and only sometimes! Hands in my pockets, chin to my chest, I peer at you. You let yourself look happy for the first time today. After a minute, your focus shifts past me to the wall, and I look too. It's a poster for the play; they're pinned up all around school. It looks like a 1950s movie poster, my silhouette in profile, and the caption:
Will she recognize true love before it's too late?

YOU

Looks good!

You smile.

You look good.

I smile.

ME

Thanks.

We stand in silence for another moment and I realize how lucky I am to have someone I can be myself around, in all my melancholy glory. The bell goes. I sigh.

Well, gotta get my books for class.

YOU

Okeydoke!

This time, my smile trumps my impulse to cringe. Despite all this, you made me smile. And here in the hallway, tired of this seriousness, everything suddenly strikes me as funny.

ME

Okeydoke!

Pathetically funny but it's a relief to laugh, and I do. Helplessly, for the first time in days. I laugh so much I have tears running down my face, till my stomach hurts and I'm gasping for air. You laugh too but instead of your laughter being tinged with hysteria, it's tinged with sympathy. You give me a hug.

YOU

Hey, you want help with the swimming-pool scene for the play? We could practice on the weekend.

ME

Sure.

And as we walk, I feel almost upbeat.