Between Hope & the Highway (49 page)

Damon blinked as the warden called time. I clapped his burly shoulder. “I’ll see you as soon as the doctor clears me to drive. Start becoming a better man.”

“You make me believe it’s possible.”

I followed the warden out and said over my shoulder, “It is.”

Chapter 85

Bentley

Holy thermal detonators! I wished life would stop scaring the crud out of me. I shuffled out of the cramped hospital waiting room my parents and I had called home for the last three days. Right step…left-swing-shuffle-step…right step…left-swing-shuffle-step…right step. I focused on speed and fluidity as I made my way to the cafeteria. Mom had kicked me out of the waiting room and told me not to return until my belly was full. She didn’t like when I was
hangry
.

Nabbing a tray, I picked up a basket of chicken fingers, a burrito, a slice of pizza and a berry parfait to balance it out. After paying, I found a corner table and slumped down to eat. I didn’t taste anything since my mind was caught up in a pity party. Sitting in a hospital worrying about my sister and brother hadn’t been how I planned to get out of school.

Biting into my burrito, I recalled the day of the surgery. Rawson had been stoked to give Addie his kidney. He’d been all smiles before they took him and our very sick little sister back for the procedure. But the routine surgery and recovery hadn’t gone as expected.

Refried beans spilled into my lap. Wiping my jeans, I shoved the rest of the dried out burrito into my mouth. My sister and brother had developed complications after surgery and were in the ICU where I couldn’t see them. Mom tried to get me to go home with Susa, but I’d dug in my heels until she let me stay. All I could think about is what would happen if one of them died. No way could I bear it.

I took a bite of pepperoni pizza. The doctor said something about acute kidney failure when he updated us last. I didn’t have a clue what that meant, but it didn’t sound good. Closing my eyes, I bowed my head. Rawson and Addie needed help.
You can do anything,
I said.
You’re God.
Make my brother and sister better. Fix what’s broken.

Emotions overcame me and I bit my lip. I wasn’t normally so weepy, but being tired and run-down had turned me into a wimp. I blinked and shoved chicken fingers down my throat. Hoping to relieve the knots in my stomach, I shoveled yogurt and berries in next. Disposing of my garbage, I hobbled upstairs, continuing my inner pleading for my siblings.

When I entered the waiting area and saw Dad holding Mom, my stomach tightened. “Is Rawson all right? Or is it Addie?”

Mom looked up with red-rimmed eyes as Dad answered. “They’re still fighting, son. Your mama’s just tired. We received one piece of good news though. Addie’s finally responding to the medication.”

Sagging into a chair, I bowed my head to thank God.

Hours later, we moved to the third floor in a private space off of the ICU where we could see Addie through a window. I stared at her, thinking she looked angelic in sleep. Right then, I regretted wasting so many years wishing she looked different. I missed her tongue hanging out of her mouth and would celebrate if I could see it again.

When we returned to the waiting area, I dozed. I awoke when Mom shook me.

“Benny, she’s awake. The doctor said we can visit for a minute.”

As we walked into her room, Addie’s slanted blue eyes focused on us and she said in a low, growly voice, “Roth-un loves Addie mostest.” It was the clearest I’d ever heard her speak.

Mom cried while Dad held her. “Yes, he does, honey.”

She grinned with all her mouth.

It felt like a full-out miracle seeing my sister smiling. And though her brain worked slower than ours, she seemed to sense things intuitively. She knew Rawson loved her, and I had to agree. He’d just given her one of his kidneys and now fought for his life downstairs because of it.

Tears streamed down Dad’s face as he hugged Mom. It made me feel better that I wasn’t the only crybaby in the family. After we hugged Addie and dried up our water pipes, I pushed a sweaty lock of hair off my sister’s pudgy face and grinned at her thick tongue lolling out of her mouth. It was the most beautiful sight I’d ever seen.

Chapter 86

Liz

Studying the various visitors made me gulp. In the corner, a black man with tattoos on his bulging arms wore a menacing scowl. On the bench across from me, a middle-aged woman with graying hair fidgeted. She reeked of nicotine. A young girl with pink hair and multiple piercings smirked from her seat next to a guy who struck me as a typical biker. A beat-down looking couple in their fifties stared somberly at the walls on the far side. The rougher elements of society surrounded me, making me wonder what I was doing here.

Something I should have done long ago, that’s what.

The prison’s waiting area hadn’t been designed to inspire cheer. Drab gray walls and faded blue tiles made my soul shrink. Could I do this? I’d already walked through metal detectors, had my purse x-rayed, and endured a humiliating pat-down by a female officer. I
had
to see this through.

Feeling strange eyes on me, I focused on my hands and considered the last couple months since I moved in with Mom. Life had become a war zone again, as it had been in high school; except now, instead of intermittent gunfire aimed at my fragile self-esteem, Mom directed intense bombing missions with the intent to obliterate. Daddy was no longer around to shield me from her attacks, and Esther believed I goaded her into pestering me. With the life insurance Mom received, we paid off her debt and bought a two bedroom attached house in downtown Henderson. It wasn’t the greatest neighborhood, especially after the quiet, gated community we’d lived in before in Vegas, but she owned it outright and we couldn’t be evicted.

A buzzer sounded, jarring me from my reverie. I waited for my name to be called before walking past a serious guard and entering a secure room divided by a wall and security glass. Another officer with the same non-smiling face led me to a cubicle and motioned me to sit. I gave him a perfunctory thank you before staring through the smudgy glass into the prison on the other side.

My heart pounded as I recalled the quote I’d discovered by Lily Tomlin.
Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.
Those words hit me hard, as did the quote by T. D. Jakes.
Forgiveness is about empowering yourself, rather than empowering your past.

For years, I’d bemoaned my fate and empowered my past, just like Daddy had said. What if Justin had left one minute earlier? Then he wouldn’t have been involved in the accident and I would’ve married him and never been unhappy. Because I kept hope alive that things could have turned out differently, I’d never been content in the present. I’d never been able to forgive the man who made all my dreams impossible. This was the man I was here to see today, to let him know I had given up hope…in a good way. The past was over. I was ready to live today.

A prisoner with shoulder-length black hair entered through a door on the other side, followed by a muscular guard. Spiky symbols and ghastly tattooed demon heads littered his left arm. He slumped into the seat on the other side of the smeared glass and sneered at me.

Picking up his phone, he demanded in a voice as harsh as his appearance, “Who are you?”

As I gazed through the glass at the man who’d killed Justin, part of me cheered to see him locked away. I’d spent the past couple months trying to come to terms with his part in what happened…to do as Daddy asked and forgive him. I thought I’d succeeded. But as I stared at him now, bitterness flared to life. He’d killed Justin and ruined everything!

Closing my eyes, I reminded myself to give up false hope in the past. “Uh, I’m Elizabeth Ruthersford.”

“Am I supposed to care?”

His rudeness flustered me. “I guess not. But…uh, I care about you.”

His eyebrows shot up, making me feel foolish. Before I could berate myself for my lame response though, a thought floated through my head.
I do care about him.
It made me pause and take a closer look. His hair, tattoos, and attitude were intimidating, but as I looked past his tough-guy exterior, a miracle happened. Love that wasn’t mine settled on my heart and I knew without a doubt God did love this man.

“Are you another lawyer?”

“No. I was at the accident that put you here.”

His vulnerable brown eyes widened and he was silent for a minute. “Was he your brother?” he whispered into the receiver. I must have looked confused, because he repeated his question. “The man I killed when I ran the red light? Was he your brother?”

I suddenly felt sorry for this man separated from me by the filthy partition. I pitied him for the terrible choices that had led him here and still bound him. As I studied him, I perceived he felt remorse and regret…just as Rawson had the day he confessed his sins to me. With shocking clarity, I understood how selfish I’d been, only thinking of
my
pain,
my
grief,
my
loss. This man hurt too. Dad was right. He’d lost way more than I had.

“No. He wasn’t my brother. Justin was my fiancé.”

He laid his head on the ledge and shuddered.

I couldn’t speak as gratitude filled me that I’d made the effort to come here today—to give up hope so this man could gain some.

“I’m so sorry,” he choked out, looking up at me with red-rimmed eyes. “I’ve tortured myself all this time wondering about the man I killed…wondering who he was, if he had a wife and kids, whose son he was.” He grimaced. “I’ve wanted to tell somebody who knew him how sorry I was for what happened. You must hate me.”

I blinked back tears. “I did, but I came here today to tell you I don’t anymore. I forgive you.”

His mouth hung open.

“When you get released, I hope you’ll make a good life for yourself and not let the past define you. It was just a horrible mistake.”

As tears streamed down his face, I sensed the presence of a stone-faced guard behind me. My time was up. I placed the phone on the receiver as the tattooed man stared at me.

When I reached the door, I turned to view him one last time. Anthony Dulles stood, watching me through the streaked glass with a wistful expression. As I lifted my hand in farewell, the barest hint of a smile played across his lips. He raised his hand and mouthed
Thank you
before the guard guided me out the door.

As I exited the prison, I threw back my head and savored the winter sun. I felt happy, but had no reason to feel that way. I still would drive home to a mom who seemed to hate me; I still nursed a broken heart from walking away from the best relationship of my life; I still had to go into work at a dead-end job I hated, and I still couldn’t jog in my mom’s crummy neighborhood for fear of being accosted. Yet none of that doused my joy. I felt freedom not only from physical bars, but from bitterness that had bound my soul for years. I’d finally given up hope…a false hope that things could be different. Nothing would ever change the past—not even hope—and I realized as I opened my car door, that I didn’t want the past to be different. I’d learned and grown so much from what I suffered. Why would I want to throw all that away?

Chapter 87

Rawson

Christmas had begun with Benny parading into my room with a fake beard and wearing red long johns bellowing, “Ho, ho, ho.” And the day was wrapping up with him tucked into a chair next to me reading
Twilight
. When you’re bored and reliant on others, you can’t be picky about your entertainment. His friend, Alice, had given him the book for Christmas, and he wanted to impress her when he returned to school by being able to discuss it with her. I had to admit, though it was sappy and girly and totally not my thing, I sort of dug Bella. She reminded me of Lizzie.

Seven months had passed since I broke her heart. That’s how I measured time now.

Benny read Edward’s line.
“Nobody will believe that, you know.”

We were to the hospital scene where Edward just saved Bella in the school parking lot and she knows he lifted the van to save her and they are having a passive-aggressive argument about why, or if, he did what she knows he did.

Benny’s voice went up in a high falsetto, making me smirk.
“I’m not going to tell anybody.” I said each word slowly, carefully controlling my anger.

The book conversation continued until Edward snapped.
“Can’t you just thank me and get over it?”

“Thank you.” I waited, fuming and expectant.

Oh yeah. Bella was so much like Lizzie.

“What?” Benny glanced up at me as I chuckled.

“I like Bella.”

He nodded and picked up where he left off. I closed my eyes and listened, wondering what Liz might be doing. Had she gone home? Was she back at school? Or had she taken a job with another equine business? I was certain Dad would’ve given her an excellent reference. Part of me wanted to get in the truck as soon as the doctor cleared me for driving and head down to Vegas to search for her. But the smarter side knew that’d be a fool’s errand. Lizzie was strong and knew her own mind. Leaving like she’d done had sent a clear message that she didn’t want anything to do with my sorry hide. She was better off without me. The same wasn’t true for me though. I missed her like a beached whale misses water.