Between Black and Sunshine (14 page)

I’m pissed that on the night that Jude is finally free to be with me past seven P.M. I have this shit at Clara’s store. I would skip it but I told Clara I would be here and I should be. I have every night of the rest of my life to be with Jude.

I never got around to talking to her last night. I followed her into my bed and lost myself in her body until she told me it was time to bring her home. Now, before I get to be with her tonight, I have to tell her.
Shit.

I thought about just bringing Jude with me but after the way things went when I told her that I had slept with another woman, I’m uncomfortable bringing her around that woman. Clara will have no problem telling Jude about us, I can hear her in my head;
Jude? The same Jude who you were picturing when you told me you loved me after we had sex? Nice to meet you
.

Plus, Clara’s touchy, with everyone, but especially me. I don’t want Jude to see that, not even a brief hug. I don’t want to hurt Jude. I don’t want her to know about Clara.  But I’m going to do this one last thing for her; stop by her place to support her, and then I’m going to get back to my girl and never leave again.

I walk in through the back door; the one Anthony and I used to deliver her tables. The store is packed which is good for Clara but I wish I would have just skipped it. She doesn’t need me here. I grab a beer from the make-shift bar and settle myself against a wall. I see Clara making her way around the room. She’s all dressed up in one of her costumes; tonight she’s the pin-up. I rarely see her outside of the darkness of The Dead End. She’s beautiful, but after spending all of my time with Jude, I realize the two really look nothing alike. She doesn’t even come close to Jude.

Clara spots me and comes bouncing across the room. “Where the hell have you been?”

“Here,” I tell her, “in the corner.”

“No, I mean in general. You haven’t been around at all this week. Are you avoiding me? I feel like you’re avoiding me.”

“Naw, I’ve just been busy.”

“With who?” she asks, tilting her head at me.

“With my girl. From home.” I don’t know why I’m telling her this now. I guess because I feel guilty that I’m keeping the two women secret from each other.

“Seriously? You? A girl? I thought you didn’t do that shit? That was your excuse with me.”

“I don’t. But I’m trying it, for her.” I smile at my own words. I feel like a little kid. Jude makes me so damn happy.

“You gonna tell me about her?”

“There’s not much to tell. She’s always been my girl. I’ve always loved her.”

A sad smile comes over Clara’s face. “Well good, I’m glad. You deserve to have someone. Don’t leave, I’ll be right back,” she tells me, turning and heading towards the back room.

I nod, but think about leaving as soon as she’s gone. I made my appearance and now I want to go get Jude. Clara comes rushing back out onto the floor, giving me a one second signal with her hand. I’ll wait, tell her good bye. She disappears into the front of the room and I focus on finishing my beer.

When it’s finished, I set it down on a nearby shelf amongst a bunch of makeup, and decide to head. Clara will understand. As I’m walking towards the back door I feel a hand on my waist. “You’re not leaving,” Clara tells me, moving both of her hands to my shoulders and pushing me against the wall to stop me.

“I am,” I say, grabbing onto her waist to hug her good bye.

“Fine, but just because you have a girl, it doesn’t mean you can just disappear from my life, Luca.”

“I’ll try not to,” I tell her.

“I want to meet her- this woman that you’re taking a chance on. She must be something special.”

“Yeah, she is,” I say, smiling at the thought of Jude.

“Jesus, you’re seriously gone over this girl, aren’t you?”

“I always have been. I just didn’t want to be.”

“You never told me about her.”

“I was trying to let her go. She wasn’t supposed to come here.”

“Well, now that she’s here I want to meet her. I promise I’ll behave, I won’t tell her anything about us.” Clara moves into me, to whisper these words like they are a secret that Jude shouldn’t hear. 

Clara’s words make me cringe, her hands on me make me cringe. “I gotta go. Congrats on the store.”

“Alright,” she says, wrapping her arms tighter around me until she’s pushed up against me. She brings her face to mine, I know she’s about to kiss me, like she does sometimes. It never bothered me before, but it does now. I turn my face so her lips land on my cheek. She pulls back and gives me a look of disappointment. “No more friendly pecks on the lips for me, huh?” she asks. 

I push her off of me, as gently as I can, but having her on me is making me uncomfortable. She drops her arms before crossing them over her chest. There is a combination of anger and sadness on her face. “Sorry,” I tell her. She gives me a tight smile and I shrug my shoulders. “I’ll talk to you later,” I say, already heading for the door.

“Here’s your clothes,” Piper tells me, setting a bag on the bed next to me. She seems off; nervous about something. She’s trying hard not to look at me.

“Thanks,” I say, sitting up in Anton’s bed which Piper and I shared last night. Between the excessive amount of vodka I was fed to deal with my leg- which hurts a million times worse today- and the depression that is overtaking me with the realization that what I saw last night is real, I haven’t been able to get out of the bed. Anton’s been bringing me pain killers and trying to feed me while Piper went back to the dorm to get some necessities for us. We’re camping out here for the weekend.

“Listen, I have to tell you something.”

“Yeah?”

“When I went to the dorm, Luca was there, on the steps waiting for you.”

Oh, shit
. When I threw my purse last night, my phone took the hit and busted. I didn’t know if he would try and call me or not but I was relieved that I didn’t have the option to call him. I knew if I did that it would make it all hurt worse. I wondered though if he would try and deny it or if he would tell me the truth. Would he tell me that he was sorry but he was in love with Clara? I think he would tell me… that he would let me go… now that I know.

In fact, I think that might have been what he was trying to tell me all along. Was Clara the thing that I needed to know about before I could accept him, before he made love to me? Maybe he would have told me that,
yes
, he’s in a relationship with Clara but that he would be willing to end it for me. But that seems unlikely. After seeing Clara it seems obvious that he would never choose me over someone like her. A woman. A strong, independent, confident, sexy as hell,
woman
.

It’s hard to accept. I know what I saw, I understood what Anton and Jace said, but it doesn’t make sense. He has spent these past years telling me that if he could have someone it would be me. Then these past few days, when I thought he was finally mine, every word he spoke, every look on his face, every touch of his hand felt so real, so honest. It’s hard to accept that it was a lie. I don’t get it. Even now, as Piper tells me he was on the steps waiting for me… it doesn’t make sense. Why would he do that if he’s with Clara?  I can feel my tears pushing past my eyes so I cover them with my hands, trying to hold myself together.

“He was freaking out, worried about you. He thought you had been drugged or raped or something crazy.”

Right.
That makes sense. He’s worried about me. He thinks he still has to protect me because of that stupid promise he made to Jonah.

I uncover my face and stare at Piper like I might be able to see the words that just came out of her mouth.
The truth
. It all becomes clear, suddenly. I had it backwards all along.

He tried to leave me, I mean
shit
he moved to the other side of the continent in order to get away from me, but I wouldn’t let him because in my delusional mind he was just as in love with me as I was with him. But I was wrong. He had moved on to a real woman but was stuck in this promise to protect his best friend’s little sister. I think about the last two days and how he touched me ‘to take away my pain’. Was that the only reason he did that with me? Yesterday he made it clear that he would rather hang out with his roommates, but I complained and begged like I always do with him, until he took pity on me.
Jesus
.

“I didn’t know what to say,” Piper carries on and I can barely focus on her.  “I didn’t know what you would want me to say. I told him your phone broke and that you were okay. He wanted to know where you were, he was going completely ape shit on me, I mean like scary psycho. I ran into the dorm and that security kid tried to stop him but he’s completely worthless. He followed me to my room, screaming at me the whole time. By the time I got to your room there was real security there to escort him out. He was being seriously crazy, Jude. I didn’t tell him you were here but I wouldn’t be surprised if he figures it out.” She stops speaking but I can tell there is more she wants to say.

“I can go somewhere else if you’re afraid of him coming here.”

“No, Jude, of course not. It’s just… has he’s ever hurt you or anything, like physically? I didn’t want to say anything, but I’ve seen your back. Did he do that to you?”

That throws me. My back isn’t hurting anymore but Luca is still very protective of it so I know it’s not completely healed. Over the past week Luca has made me almost forget that Arnie ever existed. And now, my new pain is making me think that I had never really been hurt until now. “No, Luca’s never hurt me. My stepfather did that to my back the day before I left home. Luca would never hurt me. He can get angry though… crazy. I mean I’ve seen that, but never toward me.”

“I’m sorry, Jude, about your stepfather…. About everything.”

I force a smile for her sake.

I want to crawl back into bed. I feel completely drained even though I’ve only been out of bed for three hours. But Piper had to go to her work-study job on campus and I don’t want to ask Anton if I can go lay in his bed. So I settle into the couch, shifting my leg on the ottoman that Anton propped it up on.

“Are you uncomfortable?” he asks me, sitting up from his position next to me, ready to do whatever he can to help. It’s funny how unlike the guy I thought he was, that he really is. Ever since he cleaned my leg and put it back together with skin glue and butterfly bandages, he’s done nothing but take care of me. It’s nice actually. I’ve never really had anyone to do that. My mom has been a goner ever since we lost Jonah and, although both Callie and Luca have always been there when I needed them, this is different. Anton’s care is less defensive. He just wants to get me better. That’s it.

“No, I’m fine.”

“Put your legs on my lap.”

“What?”

“Put your legs up on me. You’ll be more comfortable and I need to look at your cut.”

“Really, Anton, it’s fine,” I tell him.

“You’re stubborn, you know that? I need to look at it, make sure it’s not getting infected.”

I throw my legs on top of his just to prove how fine it is.

He lets out a quiet laugh and then starts unwrapping the gauze. I stare at his hands and at the white fabric coming off my leg. The last layer pulls at my wound and hurts a little. I hold onto that. Anton sets the wrap on the table next to him and then leans in to get a better look. He gently puts his fingers near the cut, careful not to actually touch it. “It’s getting red and there’s some puss,” he tells me before lifting my legs off his lap and setting them back on the couch. “I’ll be right back.”

He returns with his hands full. After setting down his supplies he positions himself back under my legs. “I really wish you would have let us take you in last night. I’m going to feel really bad if you get gangrene and lose your leg.”

“Shut up. Like that could happen.”

“I don’t know, Jude, it’s looking pretty nasty,” he says, running a warm rag over the cut. It burns in a good way. “I want to take the butterflies off. Are you okay with that? It’s gonna hurt.”

“Whatever you need to do, Doctor.”

“I wish I were a doctor. I’m pretty sure I have no idea what the hell I’m doing here.”

“Great. That’s totally reassuring.” I smile at him. He seems to know exactly what he’s doing. He managed to put my leg back together and is very aware of all the possible signs of infection.

“Seriously, Jude. You need a real doctor.”

“Professor is almost a doctor. You’ll do fine.”

“I have read some good war stories. The guys in those are always getting shot and slashed. The infirmary scenes are usually pretty graphic.”

“See,” I say, trying not to grit my teeth as the bandages come off.

“You’re not gonna think I’m so great after this. I have to wash it with peroxide. It’s gonna sting.”

“I never said you were great, but you’ll do. Wash away.”

“Okay,” he says, sounding stressed.

As the peroxide soaks into my raw flesh it does hurt, just like he promised. I breathe through it, taking the pain in with every inhale.

He peeks up at me when he’s done. “Didn’t that hurt?” he asks.

I realize then that I’m smiling. “I can handle this kind of pain.”

He stares at me for a hard second and I turn my eyes from him. “Let me know if I’m getting into your personal business, but have you talked to him? I mean, maybe it’s not what it looked like.”

“You’re getting into my personal business,” I tell him, moving my legs off his lap.

“Hold on.” Anton reaches out and puts my legs back on his lap. “I’m not done. Relax, okay. It was just a simple question.”

“In case it wasn’t clear, I don’t want to talk about him.”

“Yeah, it’s clear. I need you to stay still though. Your leg needs to breath for a while. Can you just chill for a minute?”

I turn my body on my side, careful to keep the bottom half of my legs on Anton’s lap. I settle into the pillow under my head and try to ‘chill’. Anton’s got the T.V. on the public broadcasting channel and I focus on the apes that are swinging through the trees. Anton pulls a blanket off the back of the couch and covers the upper half of my body. It feels warm and safe. I pull a corner of it under my chin and snuggle in further.

Anton starts chatting about how human-like the chimps are. I stare at the TV and listen to his voice and feel myself being lulled back into sleep almost immediately. I think I feel his hand on my foot. I think he’s rubbing it. I think I should maybe tell him to stop, but I can feel the sleep pulling me under and I want it. I want it so bad.