Between Before and After (9 page)

“Nothing to talk about. Let’s not drag this up again.”

“So you don’t want to talk to
me
about it, or you don’t want to talk to
anyone
about it?”

Max ignored him but the train had already left the station.

“Maybe if you talked about it, they’d stop.”

Max huffed, one corner of his mouth tilting into a wry smile. Just moments ago, he had looked younger. Now, he looked older, wiser – just plain weathered.

“It’d be cool if it was that easy, wouldn’t it?”

“Maybe it
is
that easy,” Finn insisted. “Look, I don’t know if it’s the same one or a whole lot of different ones, but maybe if you told me –“

“No.”

“Just try it. You never know,” Finn lowered his voice, his heart pounding as anger bubbled up to the surface from out of nowhere. “It’s been three years and things are getting worse, not better. Do you really want to go through the rest of your life like this? You really want Danny in there, messing with your
head
like this? You need to get it out – talk about it, tell me what you saw. Come on, mate – you owe it to yourself.”

“You don’t get it.” The words spilled out from between clenched teeth.

“Then explain it to me.”

“No,” Max shook his head.

“Why not?”

Why couldn’t he see what this was doing to him? Why was he letting Danny’s decision ruin the rest of his own life? He wanted his friend back. It was bad enough losing Danny, but losing Max like this, slowly and painfully and right in front of his face, was completely within his control. He wasn’t going to sit back this time. Not again.

“Don’t push me on this,” Max pleaded.

“Why not, Max?”

“Because you don’t really want to know, that’s why not!” he spat icily, frustration spilling over. “Do you really think I want to share this with you – with
anyone?
It fucking sucks, having this shit in your head. So, no, I’m not going to talk to you about it so you can carry it around too – what kind of mate would I be if I did that? I’ll deal with it my own way, and if that doesn’t sit well with you, tough. You should be thanking me, not hassling me about it. Jesus, give me a break okay?”

Max’s breathing was ragged as he stared over the coffee table at him, clearly hanging on tight.

“You think you’re
protecting
me?” Finn’s pulse raced.

“I know I am. Just leave it alone, okay?”

The look of desperation on Max’s face turned Finn’s stomach
.

Lacey woke up slowly, stretching out in bed and feeling behind her for Gavin. When she couldn’t find him, she rolled over to find she was alone. She sat up slowly, rubbing her eyes and looking around the room blearily. It was early, and the sun was still rising, slowly illuminating the slice of paradise outside the window. After a week of early starts, her body clock had apparently re-set itself.

Yawning, she threw the covers off and sat on the edge of the bed. Her hand found its way to her stomach and she rubbed it tenderly, staring blankly out the window. She still felt empty. It was as if her baby, when it left her body, had taken a piece of her with it, leaving a cavernous hole inside of her. She tried not to dwell on it because it made the ache worse, but it hurt nonetheless.

Standing up, she grabbed one of Gavin’s t-shirts to throw over her lightweight cotton nightdress. It was too early in the day to be thinking about this. She needed to use the bathroom first, then she needed coffee.

Taking care of the more urgent need first, she shuffled out of the bathroom and down the hall, the smell of cooking bacon wafting up to meet her. Poking her nose around the corner into the kitchen, she found Finn busy making breakfast. 

“Morning,” she yawned, leaning her head against the doorframe.

Finn turned to smile at her. “Morning, gorgeous. Hungry?”

“It’s kinda early for breakfast isn’t it? How long have you been up?”

He turned his back to her again. “A while now. I was keeping Max company.”

The bacon didn’t smell so good all of a sudden. She recalled Kate’s birthday party and the screams that had woken them all in the middle of the night. “Nightmares again?” 

He nodded.

“How is he?”

Finn kept his eye on the eggs he was scrambling. “Let’s just say it was a long night.”

“I bet.” She heaved a sigh that seemed to well up from the soles of her feet. “Where’s Gav?”

“Outside.” He peered over his shoulder at her. “You sleep okay?”

“Yeah, fine. I was out like a light.”

He turned back to the eggs. She watched him, zoning out for a few moments, before giving herself a mental shake and shuffling through into the living room. The birds were just waking up now too, and the dead silence of the darkness was being replaced by the rising cacophony of birdsong. Danny had complained on more than one occasion that the birds had woken him up. It was the one thing he hated about the beach house. Anything that messed with the fact that he liked to sleep late was, in his own words, “not cool”.

Ignoring her heavy heart, she crossed her arms over her chest and gazed out through the open French doors. Gavin and Kate were sitting out on the rustic wooden bench at the end of the lawn, taking in the sunrise. Max sat on the wooden steps leading down onto the lawn, his back to her. She walked out onto the deck, shivering slightly in the cool morning air. 

“Morning,” she said tentatively.

He looked up at her. The hollows under his eyes seemed even deeper, if that were possible. “Morning.”

He gave her a quick once-over, clearly noting Gavin’s three-sizes-too-big t-shirt over her nightdress, which was just peeking out beneath it.

“That’s a mighty fetching outfit you have there.”

She took hold of the bottom of Gavin’s t-shirt and pulled it taut. “Why thank you, kind sir. It’s straight off the catwalk.”

He raised his eyebrows but she got a smile out of him – a genuine one too, as rare as they were. A wave of sadness overcame her for the friend she had lost. Not Danny, but Max. The old Max, the one who used to crack jokes and always had a ready smile. The Max who was fearless and reckless and had a dry sense of humour that she loved. She hadn’t seen him in a long time and she missed him. Impulsively, she sat down next to him and draped an arm around his waist, leaning her head against him.

“You alright?” he asked warily.

She nodded into his shoulder. “Just needed a hug.”

She felt him turning towards her to return the embrace properly. He pulled her in closer and she wondered if he knew what she was thinking. Did he miss the old Max as much as she did? She felt, rather than heard, his body sigh, as if relinquishing something quietly into the cool morning air.

“I’ve missed that, y’know,” she said, pulling away from him.

“What?”

“Just having a laugh with you. We don’t do it so much lately, not like we used to.”

“No, we don’t.”

She reached up to squeeze his earlobe teasingly and smiled at him through the tears that had somehow managed to gather in her eyes.

He swatted her away with a shy grin. “Enough with the ears, woman.”

She sniffed back the tears and laughed, elbowing him playfully. “Okay, okay, I’ll leave you alone. I think breakfast’s gonna be ready soon.” She nodded towards Gavin and Kate at the water’s edge, standing up. “I’ll round up the troops.”

“Lace, wait.” He reached up to grab her hand and she sank back down beside him.

“What?”

He seemed speechless for a moment and she waited, her stomach sinking as she recognised that look.

“I’m sorry – about the baby,” he said. “I didn’t know. I wish I had – I’d have called, or something. I just didn’t want you to think… shit, I don’t know. I didn’t want you to think that I don’t care. I do. I just don’t know what to say.”

She draped her arms around him again. She let him pull her close, sensing he needed it as much as she did.

“It’s okay,” she mumbled into his shirt. “You don’t have to say anything.”

Afraid to let herself sink into her grief any deeper, she pulled away, pasting a smile onto her face in an effort to set him at ease. “I better go grab those two.”

She stood up, pulling Gavin’s t-shirt around her thighs to keep out the morning chill. She padded down the steps and across the lawn, sniffing back tears. One day, she hoped that instead of this feeling of emptiness inside her, there would be a baby in her arms. And when there was, she would love it twice as much.

The grass was cold and wet with dew and she crossed her arms over her chest again, shivering slightly. Gavin turned as she approached, smiling.

“Well, if it isn’t Sleeping Beauty – complete with ball gown.”

She pushed the lingering sadness away and settled herself on his lap. He groaned under her weight and she swatted the top of his head. 

“Quit it,” she warned. “That’s not funny.”

Kate pulled the blanket she was wrapped in firmly around her shoulders.

“Sorry,” Gavin wrapped his arms around Lacey and pulled her closer. “But I don’t think you’re gonna get that call from New Zealand’s Next Top Model unless you do something with this wardrobe of yours.”

She leaned back and grabbed his nose, squeezing with just enough force to hurt him momentarily before smiling at Kate at the yelp she elicited. 

“Stop it! You’re just getting me all turned on!” He waggled his eyebrows at her suggestively as he massaged his nose, ducking as she made to slap him.

Kate giggled.

“Breakfast’s nearly ready.” Lacey settled into Gavin’s lap as he pulled her closer.

They lapsed into silence. The birdsong was more noticeable now, and they listened to the world waking up around them. There was a slight fog over the water as the sun peeked up over the horizon, casting a warm glow over everything. 

“Did you hear Max last night?” Kate asked quietly.

“No, I was exhausted though. Did you?”

“Yeah. I had to get Finn to help me – I couldn’t wake him. He has more staying power than me, though. Despite all the coffee, I fell asleep on the sofa sometime around three, I think.”

She peered over Gavin’s shoulder at Max, still sitting alone on the step. He always seemed like such a loner these days, in more ways than one.

As if reading her mind, Kate stood up, pulling the blanket around her. “I’m gonna go and see if Max is okay.”

They watched her make her way slowly across the lawn, her chin tucked into her chest to block out the cold.

Lacey shivered and cuddled into Gavin. They sat in silence for several moments. Sometimes it was just too hard to put things into words. Breaking the mood, Gavin stood up suddenly, lifting her with him. She yelped in surprise, then giggled.

“Put me down! Gav!”

He ignored her, walking towards the house with her in his arms. As her pleas and fidgeting got too much, he finally set her down gently on the grass, chuckling as he reached for her hand instead.

“That’s what I get for trying to be romantic.”

“You don’t have to try so hard.” She pulled him closer and leaned into his shoulder, smiling.

She looked up to see Kate take Max’s hand and pull him through the front door and into the house. Her smile of moments ago faded as she felt that familiar sense of dread – an emptiness that was different to the emptiness in her womb. Today was the sixteenth. One more day – twenty-four short hours – and they would be marking another anniversary. Another year had passed and Danny was still gone, questions still remained unanswered and the pain of his loss was still raw. She saw it all around her, in the eyes of the people she loved most in this world.

Lately, she had toyed with the idea that maybe she wouldn’t come to the beach house next year. Maybe next year, she would go to work, do normal things, act like it was just another day. Maybe next year, things would be different. Maybe, by coming here each year to mark the occasion, they were merely prolonging the agony. As always, the idea was followed by a flash of guilt. Who was she kidding?

She wished she could have just one more day with Danny. One more day to talk to him, to hug him, to tell him he was loved and needed and wanted. One more day to relive the good times, to laugh with him. One more day to hold him in her arms and beg him not to do it.

After breakfast, Max grabbed another cup of coffee and headed out onto the deck. Seizing her moment, Kate followed him, grabbing her favourite blanket from the edge of the sofa as she did so. She wrapped it around her shoulders to keep out the chill and settled into one of the deck chairs beside Max, taking in the view.

“What time is it?” she asked, sipping at her coffee.

“Just after eight.”

“I wonder if they still come around the bay?”

“What?”

“The stingrays. Remember? Lace and I saw them last year, around the same time both days – in the morning, and in the evening.”

“Oh yeah, that’s right. I’d forgotten about that,” he said. “They give me the bloody creeps. Imagine swimming with those things underneath you?”

“I think they’re beautiful.”

“You think everything’s beautiful,” he huffed, throwing her a wry smile.

“Not true. I hate sharks. And I’m not overly fond of snakes, unless they’re in the form of snake-skin handbags. Ditto crocodiles and aligators.”

He gave a low chuckle.

“Anyway, how are things with you? We haven’t really talked since you stopped returning my calls.” She tried to keep her tone light.

“Lace’s already had a go at me about that, complete with ear-pulling,” he said, taking a sip of his coffee as he surveyed the view.

“Quite bloody right, too. If she hadn’t, I would’ve.”

“I know, I know – and I’m sorry. Just got really busy and stuff.”

“And stuff? Like what? What’s been keeping you so busy then? Where’ve you been?”

“All over. I was working around the East Cape over Christmas. The money was too good to pass up, so I stayed until the end of January. Cellphone reception was shitty, though.”

“I suppose that explains why you didn’t call and let me know you weren’t coming up at New Years. What about since then?” she prompted.

“I was in Taranaki, fruit picking.”

“No reception in the ‘Naki either?”

He raised an eyebrow. “Yeah, yeah, point taken. Sorry – believe it or not, phone reception is not one of the things I investigate before I take a job.”

“Fair enough,” she conceded. “What do you look at then, before you take a job?”

He gazed out over the bay. “I don’t know. The money, I suppose. And how long the job’ll go for.”

“The longer the better, or the shorter the better?”

“I don’t know. Depends. Why all the questions?”

“Well, we haven’t talked for a while, and I just want to find out where you’ve been and what you’ve been up to.”

“I’m not hiding anything, Kate. Honest.”

“I wasn’t insinuating –“

“Yeah, you were,” he said quietly, eyeballing her. “But it’s okay – you can ask. I just don’t have much to tell you. I’ve been busy working and keeping my head down. End of story.”

“Okay, fair enough.”

She felt uncomfortable pushing him any harder. Hadn’t she told Finn the same thing last night? She knew what she was hiding from Finn, but what was Max hiding from her? She contemplated this as she sipped her coffee.

“Do you want to talk about what happened last night?” she asked instead, trying a different tack.

The direct route, that’s what she needed to take. No more beating around the bush. He refused to look at her, instead taking a slow sip of his coffee, his eyes firmly fixed on the water.

“Like I said, nothing to talk about.”

“Come on, Max,” she murmured. “Nightmares – still? Don’t you want to –“

“There!” Max interrupted, standing up suddenly. “See it? Stingray.”

He pointed to the jetty on the left hand side of the bay and reluctantly, she followed his finger. Sure enough, a large black shape loomed near the base of the jetty, moving slowly towards the beach.

“Come on!” he called, putting his coffee mug down and racing off down the wooden steps to the lawn.

“Guys!” Kate called, poking her head in through the French doors behind them. “Stingray in the bay!”

“Really?” Lacey squealed. “Awesome!”

Kate left the blanket behind and headed out over the lawn, following Max, who was jogging over the sand towards the jetty. They flew over the beach and Max jumped up onto the jetty and ran down to the end, peering down into the water beside him.

“Here!” he pointed, as she hurried to catch up.

“Where?” She searched the water, quick-marching along the jetty towards him.

“Right there – see it? It’s cruising along the pylons.”

Suddenly, she spotted it. Like Max said, it was cruising slowly, keeping to the edge of the jetty so it was almost hidden. The water was clear and she peered down into it, marking its path easily.

“It’s huge,” Max said, following it slowly as it made its way along the jetty towards the beach.

“Do you think it could be the same one we saw last year?”

She followed along behind him as they watched the enormous stingray glide gracefully towards the beach. Daring to take her eyes off it for a moment, she glanced up to see Lacey climbing up onto the jetty to join them.

“Where is it?” Lacey asked as she caught up.

“There.” Max pointed, following it with his finger. “See it?”

“I see it.” Lacey leaned over, watching it closely. “Do you think it’s the same one we saw last year?”

“I don’t know – maybe? They kind of all look the same,” Kate said, looking up for a moment. “Be kinda cool if it was though, wouldn’t it?”

Lacey grinned in reply.

They followed the stingray in silence as it glided along towards the beach, then turned and swam parallel to the shore. They ran along the beach with it, mirroring it as they passed the boat shed and climbed up onto the rocky pathway that led out to the jetty on the other side of the bay.

“Where’s Finn and Gav?” Max asked, glancing up. “They’re missing it.”

“They went for a walk,” Lacey said. “Their loss.”

“Wish I had my camera,” Kate said wistfully, following the stingray as it glided over the edge of the rocks and towards the second jetty, on the other side of the bay. For a few minutes, it stopped, and they stopped with it, watching to see what it would do next. It seemed to settle itself in amongst the rocks and they could finally see the true size and beauty of it. It looked to be at least a metre across, and rather than the black they had thought it was, it was actually a dark brown. It settled on a rock and Max let out a long, low whistle.

“That’s pretty fucking awesome,” Max said. “I wonder where it came from – and where it’s going?”

“I thought you said they freaked you out?” Kate smiled over at him.

“That was before. Up close… wow. Totally different. They don’t swim – they glide.”

“I don’t think I’d want to swim
with
it, but yeah – it’s pretty amazing alright,” Lacey said.

They watched it for a few moments longer, before it finally slid off the rocks, beneath the jetty and out into the open water of the Sounds.

Gavin and Finn headed up the driveway and out onto the road, walking in comfortable silence for several minutes. At this time of the morning, Queen Charlotte Drive was getting busier, and they walked on the grass verge at the edge of the road, keeping an eye and ear out for traffic. The sun had been up for a while and it was warming up the air nicely, the morning chill finally disappearing and giving way to another hot day. Before long, it would be too warm to be out in the open like this. Walks like this were best taken first thing in the morning or in the late evening, just before the sun went down and it was cooler.

“You stayed up with Max last night,” Gavin said eventually, more a statement than a question.

“Yeah.”

Gavin quickened his pace to walk level with him, casting him a furtive glance. “What happened?”

What the hell do you think happened?

Finn bit his tongue
.
Every word of his discussion with Max had replayed over and over in his head all morning. What could Max possibly be hiding from him? And what was it going to take to get him to tell him? One thing was for sure, he couldn’t keep it inside for much longer. These things had a habit of magnifying the longer they stayed inside you. He should know.

“Nothing,” he said finally. “That’s the problem. He was having a nightmare, I woke him up. He wouldn’t talk about it – usual bloody story.”

Silence hung over them as they continued to walk for several more minutes.

“You okay?”

“Me?” Finn asked, surprised. “I’m fine. A bit tired, but I’ll live.”

“Is that all it is? You just seem a bit rattled this morning.”

“Rattled?”

“Yeah. Y’know, like there’s something on your mind.”

“Hmm.”

“You want to get it off your chest?” Gavin raised his eyebrows and turned to look at Finn pointedly.

Finn gave it careful consideration, albeit only for a few moments. Where would he start? It wasn’t as if they hadn’t discussed this before. None of those conversations had ever ended up offering any solutions either. Swings and roundabouts.

“It’s nothing,” he said finally. “I’m fine.”

Gavin didn’t push the issue and he was grateful. Gavin had enough on his plate at the moment. Even so, frustration ate away at him. They walked on for several long minutes in silence, crossing to the other side of the road so they could see the oncoming cars more easily. Finn picked up the pace in an effort to clear his head, and the conversation died away.

They turned at the next bay, retracing their steps back along the roadside. On a whim, Finn turned off the road a hundred metres before the driveway. They followed a dirt track woven between the mature native trees, down to the water’s edge. Standing on the beach, they watched the surface of the water shimmering in the morning sunshine. Finn could feel the sun beginning to burn the back of his neck and he rolled his shoulders. Worry grated on him, wearing him down.

“Last night, Max pretty much admitted that the reason he was drinking so much was because of these nightmares.” He knew this wasn’t news, to either of them. “I always thought that he just didn’t want to talk about what happened that day, what he saw – but it’s more than that. He thinks he’s protecting us, by not telling us. He said we should be
thanking
him.”

Gavin raised his eyebrows and took a ragged breath, exhaling loudly. “Wow. Well I guess, from his point of view, that might make some kind of sense. He thinks he’s doing the right thing.”

”Obviously – which is even more fucked up,” Finn huffed. “I mean, if he hasn’t spoken to anyone about this, then the drinking, the nightmares, they’re probably a result of that. Shouldn’t he be talking to someone? If it’s not us, then he should be talking to a shrink or a counsellor or
someone
– someone qualified in all this. I’m wondering if deep down, he knows that, and this fruit-picking and forestry stuff and the whole ‘gotta keep moving’ deal, is him just running away from everything –
literally
running away from it.”

“Yeah. You could be right.”

Hearing Gavin agree with him didn’t help as much as he hoped it would. They still needed an action plan – some way to help Max.

“He can’t just hang onto it like this,” he said. “Jesus – it’s killing him.”

“I agree, but I don’t know what else we can do. If you have any suggestions as to how we can get him to open up to someone about this then, by all means, jump on in. Lace and I have tried, believe me we’ve tried. She has this friend who’s a counsellor, but the last time we tried to talk to him about it, he shut us down. Point blank refused. What the hell are we supposed to do?”

Finn threw his hands up in frustration, turning his back on him.

“I don’t know. He’s near breaking point, I can feel it. When you think about how far he’s slid over the past three years, he’s getting closer and closer to the edge. How far away is rock bottom for him – and what happens when he gets there?” He shook his head, trying to swallow down the feeling of dread that washed over him, driving an icy spike right through his soul. “I just have this God-awful feeling that he’s running out of time. And you know the worst part? I think he feels it, too.”