Between Before and After (15 page)

Kate sat on the wooden steps leading down off the deck, afraid to take her eyes off Max. She had watched him storming off down the beach and held her breath as he disappeared behind the boat shed, finally reappearing as he made his way along the pathway above the rocks and out onto the jetty. Even from this distance, she could see the anger radiating off him as he paced the length of the wooden jetty several times. Now, he sat at the end of it, still at last.

Her heart went out to him. She had wanted to go to him immediately, but Gavin and Lacey had convinced her to leave him for a while. It was clear he was hurting, and it felt wrong to just leave him there, alone. When she was hurting, hadn’t he come to her? Hadn’t he moved into the house for several months after Danny’s death, just to be with her so she wouldn’t be alone? Hadn’t he held her while she sobbed in his arms? In the early days, immediately after Danny’s death, when she was incapable of eating, sleeping or even thinking, hadn’t he helped her face life again?

She drew her knees up and wrapped her arms around them miserably. He had changed so much, he was barely recognisable now. She had never heard him speak to Finn that way before – in fact, she had never heard him speak to
anyone
that way before. To see him pulling away from not only her, but from everyone, was frightening.

It reminded her so much of Danny. He had been exactly that way in the weeks before his death. He had pushed everyone away, including her. He drank more. He became moody and unpredictable. His whole personality had changed. It was too familiar. She shuddered, pulling her legs in closer as a shiver crept up her spine at the memory. 

“Hey, how you doing?”

Gavin sat down next to her on the step and she turned to look at him. Unable to come up with a suitable answer, she turned her attention back to Max, who was pacing again, a tiny figure shimmering in the heat. 

“It sucks, I know,” he said quietly. “I’m starting to wonder if we’re doing the right thing too.”

She leant forward, her forehead resting on her knees as she struggled to stop her body from trembling. 

“He’s really angry, Gav. I’ve never seen him like this before.”

He draped his arm around her shoulders with a sigh. “I know. But he needs to stop drinking like this – all he’s doing is covering it up, running away from it. These nightmares, I reckon they’re just his subconscious trying to make him deal with everything. And because he’s just pushing it all away, they’re gonna keep coming at him. He needs to deal with it. It’s the only way.”

Kate raised her head off her knees and leant it against his shoulder. Part of her knew he was right, but it didn’t make the reality any easier to take. She heard footsteps and they turned back towards the house in unison. Finn leaned back against the French doors, empty-handed.

“Well?” Gavin prompted.

Finn shook his head, shrugging. “Nada.”

“Okay then. That’s good. We got it all.”

“Yeah, I s’pose so,” Finn collapsed into the deck chair closest to him. “You okay?” he asked Kate.

She nodded. It was easier than admitting how she really felt.

“Where’s Max?” he asked, scanning the horizon.

Kate turned to follow his gaze. “He was on the jetty a minute ago.”

She stood up, searching the jetty and the path leading out to it. Panic rose up from the pit of her stomach.

Gavin stood up too, walking down a couple of steps and shading his eyes from the sun. “He was right there.”

Panic turned to nausea.  

Finn squinted out at the jetty. “Well, he’s not there now.”

Finn flew down the steps and out onto the lawn, Gavin, Kate and Lacey hot on his heels. He jumped down off the lawn and onto the sand, stopping for a moment to check out the jetties at either end of the bay. Both were empty. What the hell was he playing at? Where could he have gone in such a short space of time? His mind started going over the scenarios. Had he fallen from the jetty? Or from the pathway onto the rocks? With the amount of alcohol in his system and his state of mind, anything was possible.

He turned in a slow circle as he scanned the area, finally coming face to face with Kate. The anxiety fairly hummed around her, mirroring his own.

“I only took my eyes off him for a second!” Her eyes filled with tears

Without thinking, he went to her, drawing her into his arms. “It’s okay, we’ll find him.”

“He can’t have gone far – let’s split up,” Gavin suggested, an unmistakable sense of urgency in his voice.

“Good idea. Lace, can you and Kate go up to the road and see if you can spot him?” He released Kate as she wiped her eyes, sniffing. “He might be walking it off. He shouldn’t be out on the road in the state he’s in – we might have to tail him if he is.”

“We should check the jetty, and the boat shed,” Gavin said, already heading that way.

Lacey immediately headed back up the lawn towards the house, Kate hurrying after her. Finn jogged after Gavin as they headed towards the jetty.

“Do you think he could have fallen in?” Gavin’s gaze swept the bay.

Finn didn’t answer him. His heart was pounding so hard in his chest, he was having trouble breathing. Deep down inside, he clung to the hope that he had just taken a walk to cool off, but the niggle working its way up from his gut just wouldn’t go away.

As they reached the boat shed on the corner of the beach, Finn saw that, unusually, the pair of rickety wooden doors were open. Drawing even with them, he peered around the open door to find Max sitting in the old wooden dinghy, staring at him coldly. The instant relief he felt at finding him was immediately replaced by anger when he saw the bottle of whisky in his hand.

Max continued to eyeball him as he slowly and deliberately brought the bottle up to his lips and took a long swallow. Finn had to fight the urge to grab the bottle out of his hand and hurl it against the wall.

“We were wondering where you got to,” Gavin said, appearing beside Finn.

“You found me. So does that make you Sherlock or Watson?”

Finn’s gaze rested pointedly on the bottle in Max’s hand. “Where the hell did you get that?”

Max looked down at it as if he had almost forgotten it was there. “Rainy day supply.”

Finn’s teeth were clamped together so hard his jaw ached. The sense of helplessness and frustration that squeezed his throat made breathing difficult.

“Can you shift? You’re spoiling the view,” Max muttered, waving the bottle in his hand at the beach behind them.

Finn didn’t move, although Gavin hesitantly took a step to the side.

“Do you have even the
slightest idea
that we’re trying to help you here?” Finn said, refusing to back down.

“Who said I needed your help?”

Max took another swig and Finn shook his head, trying to keep it from exploding. A thousand thoughts and images rattled around inside his brain, not one of them pleasant. Thinking became impossible so he gave up, instead speaking from his heart.

“Can’t you see what’s happening?” he said, struggling to maintain control. “You’re drinking yourself into a coma because of this shit with Danny – because you won’t
talk
about it! That doesn’t make you a hero, Max – it makes you a fucking idiot! None of this is going away unless you deal with it, because if you don’t, it’s gonna haunt you for the rest of your miserable fucking life. Is that what you want?”

“Hey!”  Gavin’s hand gripped his arm but he shook him off angrily.

“I mean it – you have to fight back! Stop acting like you’re the victim here and take control for once!”

They stared at each other for a series of long moments that seemed to drag out endlessly. Max broke the silence first.

“Shut the fuck up,” he ground out through clenched teeth, his eyes narrowing. “I
am
taking control. You have no idea.”

“So this is taking control, is it?” Finn insisted, his breathing heavy as he fought his rising temper. “You’re burying yourself in a mountain of booze. How’s that working out? Is it making everything better?”

His eyes scanned Max’s, searching for some sign that he had managed to break through the barrier finally – that Max understood. But all he saw reflected there was anger and hatred. The same anger and hatred that he felt himself, only for different reasons and directed at someone else.

Max shook his head slowly, his blue eyes dark. He was calm. Shut off. Closed down. Unreachable.

“Jesus.” Finn shook his head helplessly. “You should see yourself. I don’t know who the hell you are anymore.”

“Finn.”

He heard the warning in Gavin’s tone. He was close to crossing the line – he may even have already crossed it for all he knew, but he was beyond caring. Propelled by an overwhelming sense of frustration, Finn marched to the back of the boat shed, grabbing at anything he found – filthy old lifejackets, oars, deflated plastic beach balls – looking for anything that might resemble alcohol. If he had one bottle hidden in here, he could have more. Coming up empty, he turned to face Gavin over Max’s head, his breath coming out in frustrated huffs. Gavin looked worried, upset and more than a little uncomfortable. Incensed at having to take the lead again, Finn began to frantically search the dinghy, roughly pushing Max aside as he did so.

“Hey!” Max hissed.

Finn ignored him as he climbed into the dinghy to continue the search. Time and again, the same thought flew through his head:
Danny’s fault – all this is Danny’s fault. Selfish, inconsiderate bastard.

“Why don’t we go inside?” Gavin interrupted, a hint of desperation in his voice as he tried to diffuse the situation.

“Good idea – why don’t you go inside?” Max retaliated, taking another swig out of the bottle he held.

Finn gave up the search and climbed out of the dinghy. He backed up against the side of the boat shed wall, his whole body tense. His head pounded. There was obviously no point reasoning with him while he was drunk – nothing was getting through. Once he sobered up, maybe they had a chance. But what if there were more bottles stashed away? He had already checked his room and his bag. Where else might he have hidden them?

Realisation dawned with a sharp stab to his chest. The boat shed wall creaked ominously as he pushed himself away from it, heading back onto the beach without another word. Leaving Max and Gavin in his wake, he jogged back along the sand and up onto the lawn. Gavin called after him but he ignored him, covering the lawn swiftly, his heart pumping. With each step, the cogs of his brain turned, going over every possible hiding place Max could have thought of. It had become more than just a search for alcohol now – it was a battle of wills, a battle for survival. Max’s survival.

He rounded the side of the house and headed straight towards Max’s car, still parked at the rear of the house.

“Did you find him?” Kate called, jogging down the driveway towards him with Lacey.

“Yeah, he’s in the boat shed with Gav.”

“Thank God!” she breathed, slowing to a walk.

Finn ignored them both, making a beeline for Max’s car. 

“Finn?” Lacey questioned, as he walked right past them.

He tried the door of Max’s car and found it unlocked. Yanking it open, he climbed into the driver’s seat, his hands automatically gripping the wheel as he tried to tune out Kate and Lacey. 

He leant over and popped open the glove box, searching around inside it, unceremoniously scooping the contents out and dumping them onto the passenger foot-well. Nothing. He slammed it shut, his eyes scanning the interior of the car. 

“Hey – what’s going on?”

He ignored Kate, his full concentration on the task at hand. He leaned forward and ran his hand under the driver’s seat a few times but came up empty again. Reaching over under the passenger seat, he did the same, with the same result.

Damn it!

He turned, leaning over into the back, his eyes and hands searching desperately for any hidden bottles Max may have stashed away. Again, nothing. Hauling himself out of the car, he turned to face Lacey and Kate, both looking confused and frightened. He shook his head, the wind sucked out of his sails momentarily by the identical looks on their faces.

“He’s fine, Gav’s with him – but he’s got a bottle of whisky that he’s knocking back like there’s no tomorrow.”

Kate shook her head in disbelief. 

“I’m going down there,” Lacey said, heading towards the beach.

Kate stared after her, finally turning back to Finn. “What are we gonna do?” she whispered, tears pooling in her eyes.

She hung her head and Finn lost sight of her face amongst the mane of auburn hair. Instinctively, he pulled her close, running a gentle hand over her head. Tentatively, her arms crept under his ribs and curled around his back. Just like that, he felt less alone. Maybe he didn’t have to do this all by himself after all. He closed his eyes. He still needed to find Max’s ridiculous secret stash, but right now, with Kate’s arms around him and his emotions running rampant, he selfishly wanted to take a moment for himself.

He kissed the top of her head absentmindedly. Her body shuddered ever-so-slightly against his as she looked up at him. Realising what he had done, he immediately released her and stepped backwards. He had to learn to give her some space, but with those tears in her eyes all he wanted to do was make it better, somehow. She reached out for him, grabbing his hand.