Between (30 page)

"Back in time to here, where life was supposed to end for me." There's no evidence of the accident anymore, but as I stare at the road, I can picture everything: images of Jamie’s broken body that haunt me and twisted car wreckage strewn across the bitumen.

"Time travel is a little out of my capability," says Finn with a small laugh. "Do you mean you wish you'd died?"

I shiver. "The Dark would've taken me, wouldn't they?" He nods. "What did I do that was so wrong? Why was I going to Hell?"

"Nobody judges where you go, Rose. There was nothing wrong with you. You
didn’t do anything wrong. Remember, I told you - the Dark just take advantage of situations."

"You saved me from the Dark and made me Between, so I'll always be stuck now. I'm not sure that's any better."

Finn rubs his legs and is quiet for a moment. "I wasn’t aware that would be the result of my actions the night you had the accident, but I couldn't let them take you. I saw you fighting the Dark and the good inside you was trying to overcome the oblivion he was pushing you toward." A car passes in the road, sloshing through the growing puddles. I think Finn has stopped talking, but he continues. "You broke my heart, Rose, a heart I didn't think I had. At that moment, in the midst of the accident, nothing mattered more than helping you live. Until that night, taking people's souls, watching them die, was my life; every time I took one, I felt nothing. Each time someone realised what was happening and the fear overcame them - nothing. I soothed them, making their passage easier, but that's no different to a nurse administering a drug. Then you..."

Inside, in the very centre of me, I knew this
; Finn's quiet explanation tears at my heart, too. "Why?"

"I don't know. But that's why I have to do it again. I can't send you to a life in the Void or allow a demon to resurrect you into a Between they own. That's why I'm asking what you want this
time." Finn folds a hand around mine and I prepare to pull away from the cold. The fingers enclosing mine are warm and soft; the soothing comfort I remember from the night I almost died runs through instead of the ice. Finn. It was always Finn in my nightmares, easing my fear with his gentle power. The words I’ve struggled to remember for so many months sound in my mind: ‘You’re safe. Don’t be afraid, I’ll fix this’.

He was wrong
.

“Are you an angel, Finn?” I ask him warily. “The Dark guy at the party said you were.”

Finn looks at me sharply. “In your understanding of things, I am. But everything is a little more complicated than the labels people want to give us.”

“So
, you’re not my guardian angel or something?”

Finn makes a soft noise of amusement. “How can I be? I’m a Reaper.”

“Labels, huh?” I say and smile at him.

He doesn’t return the smile.

"There’s no fog," I whisper to myself. "When I'm with you, there's fog and I get dizzy. Why can't I feel the cold?"

"Because you don't have any of my energy inside, not at the moment. If you want, I can send you back to the Void and you can make the decision whether to have a demon resurrect you as a Between." He pauses and releases my hand. "Or I can give you my energy again
, and you can return as a Between who's free. I wouldn't ask anything of you."

Tears well in my eyes as I consider the choices
; because I realise this isn't only my life I'm making a decision about, I reach out to touch Finn's face. "You. What would happen to you?"

He gently takes my hand and removes it from his cheek. "
I have to make a choice," he says quietly, "I'd stay, too. I can't go back if I transgress again."

"What would happen to you
if you stayed?"

He shrugs and stares ahead, in a closed
-off, Finn way. "I’m not sure."

"Why risk that? Why do this? No, I can't, Finn. I'll go back to where I was. Back to
Alek."

"No! I want to do this
; don't make the decision based on what you think should happen to me. This is my fault and this is how I want to fix the situation I created." He wipes a hand across his face then turns back to me, his expression difficult to make out in the dim light. "Rose, how I feel about you breaks my heart every day. I see how unhappy and frightened you are and want to take that away, make you whole again, not hurt you further. Seeing you struggle and not being able to touch and comfort you is punishment enough for what I did."

I stand, battling against breaking down and showing him the pain he's talking about. I don't want to hear what I've suspected for so long. I presumed because I contained his energy that was what connected us
. But this came before, from the night I lay in this road. Something caused him to save me, and his need to help me is stronger than his need to right his mistake and end me. Now he's prepared to take a step into a void of his own to do this.

"Why me, Finn? Why is this all happening to me?"

"Coincidence, fate, whatever you believe in. I don't know." He looks up at me, skin shining in the rain. "I won't come between you and Crazy Boy, don't worry."

Alek
. "Do you know what he's doing? Who he's bringing back?"

Finn stands
, too, and shifts his jacket closer against the rain. "Yes, I do. Do you love him?"

"What?"
I blink at his out of the blue question.

"
Alek. Do you think you love him?"

I pick at the edge of my cardigan. What do I feel for
Alek? Not love, but the beginnings of something. Is it a need for him mixed with fear I'll lose him, the way he fears he'll lose me? There's a reason Alek came for me and is risking his life in the Void; that reason must go beyond the fear of losing me.

"I don't know."

"Would you care if he was lost to the Dark?"

"Of course!" I shoot back. "He's important to me. I care a lot about him."

Finn inhales and nods. "Okay. I guess I'm stuck then. I can't do anything I'm told."

I laugh because he sounds like a naughty child
, and he frowns at me. "You laugh at really inappropriate things," he says.

"You say some funny things."

He shakes his head. "Will you allow me to give you the energy you need to be a Between so you can stay here, but not risk your life for demons? Because if I don’t, you’ll be alone in the Void."

"Great set of choices," I mutter.

"I won't interfere with your life and, of course, I won't touch you. But if I stay in the world, I’ll need to be around you. Is that okay?"

"Of course,
you’ll be lost." I swallow down the lump choking my words.

Finn touches my face. "I won't be lost. I can cope with the everyday
; I just need you to be safe. Things are about to change in the world."

"What? What's changing? Because of what
Alek's doing?"

Instead of his usual gazing in the opposite direction he does when I ask a question he doesn't want to answer, Finn studies me. The intensity of his gaze heats my face as if he
is touching my skin. He leans forward and kisses my brow, at a spot between my eyes that soothes. This physical closeness to Finn, for him to finally touch me without the ice and the fog, hurts. The pain of the cold is replaced by a confusing ache. I rewind to the last time I was here, when Finn took away my fear and hurt. I want the man who saved my life by giving me a half-life to take away that fear again, and I want to hold him because I understand how he's suffering for his choices. I wrap my arms around Finn's hard chest, but he stiffens and peels my hands away.

"Don't, Rose. Please."
His eyes reflect the depth of his hurt and I know the one way I can help him.

“Okay,” I whisper. “Help me survive.”

For a moment, I think Finn is going to take hold of me again, but instead he buries his hands in his jacket pockets and nods. Returning to his familiar, expressionless demeanour, Finn doesn't look at me as he steps away and approaches my crumpled body on the roadside.

Finn strokes the hair of the girl on the
ground, and the choking tears flow as I understand what this means to him. He's lost because he did this for me and now he's sealing his fate by repeating the action. Finn will lose who he is exactly as I did. What tears at and twists around my heart is Finn reached out to me and opened up about how he feels but knows he can never touch me again. If he does, he'll lose me forever.

CHAPTER 29

ROSE

When I was ten
, I lived and breathed Alice in Wonderland. I wandered around the countryside hoping to find a white rabbit to chase, picturing the ‘eat me’ cake, and wondering what the ‘drink me’ would taste like. I never found any, so I made my own. I insisted on dressing like the girl in the pictures and I wore my blonde hair the same too. Now, as I regain consciousness and focus on the blurry ceiling above, my chest tightens, surging with the relief. I did fall down the rabbit hole and my own Wonderland creatures of Reapers and demons came from a head injury pushing me into a childhood fantasy.

The low voice and footsteps around filter in with the familiar hospital ward smells of disinfectant and soap. I blink away the remaining stickiness from my eyes and smile against the blurring tears.

The nightmare wasn’t real.

I don’t hurt anywhere and when I lift my arm to touch my head
, there are no IV lines attached. Last time I woke up, there were lines - and for weeks afterwards.
Last time?
Twisting my head to one side, I see a wooden bedside cabinet but nothing monitoring my health. Beyond the cabinet, I can see a blue curtain drawn between me and the next occupant. There’s no weakness in my limbs when I push myself to sit, the hospital pillow crinkling behind, and I turn my head to look on the other side of the bed. Sitting on a plastic orange chair in front of the blue curtain is a tall man with blonde hair. He watches me warily with familiar blue eyes.

"Finn?" My voice croaks.

"Rose. Are you feeling okay?" He stands but doesn’t approach.

The shattering of my dream back into a nightmare is too much to handle
. I turn and bury my head into the pillow, forcing my anguished tears into the material so nobody else can see or hear. At least I can be sure he won’t attempt to comfort me. After a few minutes, I wipe my face into the pillow and turn back to an alarmed Finn. I pull myself up and wrap my arms around my legs, refusing to speak to him.

"Did I do the wrong thing?" he asks.
“You said it was okay for me to help you again. I couldn’t leave you."

"That’s the whole problem, isn’t it? You
wouldn’t leave me the first time."

He stares at his shoes. Finn’s face is paler than usual, his quiet sadness palpable.

I push my hair from my face and look around for my clothes. I need to find Alek. "Why am I in hospital?"

"You
’re under observation in Emergency. I told them I found you unconscious and called an ambulance," he says, and then adds quietly, "I wasn’t going to leave you by the side of the road."

Beneath my hospital gown, the scars on my arms are the same as yesterday. If it was yesterday I was last in the world? Pink but healed. "But I’m not injured?"

"No."

"So, I can go?"

Finn sighs. "Yes. Lucky for you, I’m a nurse and can vouch for your readiness for discharge."

I
laugh softly at the way he talks like a textbook sometimes. "You’ll take me home?"

"Home?"

I swallow. "Back to Alek’s house."

Alek
floods in, too, the last moments running from him and the demon. Is he okay? Did he get back out again and if he did, was he alone?

"You really want to go back there?" asks Finn, looking up sharply.

"That’s where I live, isn’t it?" He doesn’t respond. "Do you know where Alek is now?"

"No. Did you see him when you were there?"

"There? Where was I?"

Finn wrinkles his nose.
"In the waiting area?"

I laugh at the obviousness of the answer. "Of course, because everybody has to wait their turn…"

"It could’ve been worse."

"I’m perfectly aware of that. Will you take me home so I can wait for
Alek, or not?"

"Fine."

"Good." I wave him away. "Let me get dressed."

"I’ll talk to the doctor." Finn’s tall figure slips through the curtains.

I shuffle into my leggings and dress then locate my shoes. I have my rabbit hole, but it’s not the one I wanted.

CHAPTER 30

ROSE

We travel in
Finn's car from the hospital back to the house, a hollow emptiness accompanying me. The conversation we had by the roadside isn't mentioned, and the cold fog around Finn has returned.