Better Than Safe (31 page)

“Kerri, I—”

“Yes?” She gave me a sunny grin as she fingered her curls and waited for my instructions or perhaps a nod of my head. Something to show I still had a pulse.

I tried a smile but immediately gave up. “Uh… which restaurant am I meeting Aaron at?”

“L’Orange. Do you want to go through the list of—”

“No. I—after lunch. Maybe. I—”

“Are you feeling all right?”

“Yes,” I lied. “I’m fine.”

Kerri cocked her head and studied me closely before pivoting on her heel and moving toward my door. I braced myself for the inevitable bang, but it didn’t come. After months of barging and slamming, the unexpected quiet was nowhere near as welcome as I thought it would be. In my current state, the silence echoed ominously. God, I was a wreck.

Hopefully, lunch with Aaron would take my mind from my troubles.

L’O
RANGE
WAS
a French bistro located downtown. It was a stylish place brimming with important-looking, well-heeled professionals and politicians. The ambience was old-world elegance with a modern twist. Ornate crystal chandeliers hung gracefully over concrete tabletops and giant traditional floral arrangements in galvanized pots were situated throughout the open space. It was lovely and the food was fantastic, but the acoustics were awful. I’d hoped to meet him early to avoid the lunchtime rush and be seated in a quieter part of the restaurant, but my bad luck was holding steady. I walked in ten minutes late behind a group of self-important politicians in training, gripping my phone impatiently while I waited for the hostess to seat them.

Thankfully Aaron had arrived before me. He was seated at a corner table in a fairly quiet area in the back of the restaurant near a huge window. The sun reflected off his dark hair and when he smiled up at me, his hazel eyes twinkled in greeting. And then he frowned.

“What’s wrong?”

I smiled, but it felt too tight to register as sincere. “Nothing at all. Did you bring the portfolio?”

“Uh yeah. Here you go. I ordered you soda water with lime,” he said as a waitress came by a moment later, promising to return soon to take our order.

“Thank you. Do you know what you’re ordering?”

“Salmon salad.”

“Sounds good,” I muttered. It sounded awful. I had zero appetite. I set the menu aside and figured I’d wing it when the waitress reappeared. “So the shots worked well with the forest background. The designer was pleased with the result. I would thin—”

“Paul?” Aaron leaned forward, his brow puckered in concern.

“Yes?”

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but you look like hell. Your face is pale and drawn and you look like you haven’t slept.”

“I didn’t. I had a horrible night’s rest. But I’ll be fine.”

“Hmm. What happened?”

The waitress returned to take our orders just then, but Aaron’s determined stare let me know I wasn’t off the hook. Once our orders were placed, he raised his brow comically and made a motion for me to start talking. I huffed humorlessly and looked across the bistro at all the important-looking people chatting away about business or current events. This was an unlikely venue for a heart-to-heart discussion and, hell, oversharing wasn’t my style.

But Aaron’s demeanor was kind and encouraging. I knew I could trust him. And the fact was… I needed a friend. I simply didn’t know where to start. “I fucked up” worked, but it was harder to admit than I imagined.

“Aaron… nothing happened and, no offense, but this is supposed to be a business lunch. I really don’t think my personal life needs any—”

“Honey, screw business. We both know the shots are great, the models are beautiful, and the clothes look like art. It’s not important. It’s just another day at the office. So what is it?”

“Right.” I took a sip of my soda water, averting his probing stare for as long as possible.

“Last night was a huge success for a young unknown artist. Seth must be pleased.”

I nodded, then shrugged. Aaron waited patiently as I unfolded a napkin and took yet another drink.

“I’m sure he did well. I’m sure he’s pleased, but… I don’t know. I left early.”

“Why?”

“I—I can’t explain. Not easily anyway.”

“Try.” He held a hand up when I started to protest. “You’ll feel better if you talk about it.”

“You’re sure?”

“No. But it’s worth a shot.”

“I’ve made a mess.”

“How bad?”

I told him everything. I started with my fiasco with Simon at the gallery and made my way back in time to my dysfunctional upbringing, followed by a dysfunctional relationship, and my very real fear of repeating horrible mistakes. Aaron asked a question here and there but mostly, he listened.

“I’m losing my mind. I’m irrational, borderline hysterical, and I can’t think straight. Nothing seems to make sense anymore. I’m… lost.”

I sighed heavily, completely drained. A wave of nausea came over me when our plates were delivered. I wasn’t hungry. I was sick inside and I didn’t know how to heal myself.

“You aren’t lost. You’re in love.”

“I know I am. I’ve actually known it for a while. But it’s not smart. He’s not safe.”

“Safe? Love isn’t safe. I think by definition it’s terrifying. But it’s worth it.” He smiled indulgently at my blank stare. “And it’s too late, Paul. You’re already on the roller coaster. You have to ride it all the way in with your hands in the air and your heart in your throat. You have to set aside the times you failed, and go for it.”

“That simple, eh?”

Aaron chuckled. “No. It’s a risk. But look at it this way… if you don’t recognize yourself and are pretty sure you don’t want to go back to who you used to be, it might be because you’ve already become someone better. Same goes for him. Seth was a casual date. Someone you didn’t like at all, but ended up feeling more for than you thought you could. The reason you’re such a mess… and I’m sorry, but you are, is you’re scared, Paul. But you aren’t hopeless.”

I’
D
BEEN
wrong from the start. I wanted a clear vision of truth with guarantees that could never be mine. No one’s past would be erased. My five years with Simon wouldn’t disappear. Nor would the knowledge he’d spent any time with Seth. It was up to me to set it aside and move on. I wanted to be safe. I’d grown up in an unconventional home surrounded by uncertain affection. I yearned for certainty. Perhaps there really was no certainty in love. Love required faith, trust, and acceptance. There was no place for jealousy or mistrust.

I loved Seth. It was my certainty.

I
SCRAMBLED
out of bed at four in the morning to find my laptop and put a plan into action. It wasn’t a particularly well thought one, but less than ten hours of sleep over forty-eight hours combined with the very real fear my world was falling apart wasn’t helping matters. All I could do was try.

I
SET
off at the crack of dawn for Union Station. Armed with a cup of coffee and a heavier than normal briefcase, I made my way to the First Class section, determined to be one of the first passengers to board the train. I shrugged my cashmere coat off and settled into my seat just as the doors opened and a haggard-looking older gentleman dressed in a suit and tie stumbled inside. He gave me a short nod as he made his way to his seat. I wanted to pull out my cell phone, but instead I grabbed the book I’d brought and opened it as though I couldn’t wait to dive into a riveting story of… I flipped to the prologue and read the first couple of lines. The language was thick and seeped with romantic overtones that made the prose difficult to interpret. I closed it and stared out the window unseeingly.

“Looks like this seat’s free. Mind moving your coat?”

I looked up at the sound of his familiar deep voice. He was dressed like a college kid in casual jeans and a lightweight army-green jacket. His dark hair fell into his eyes, but I could see a spark, a twinkle I knew well, though his expression was guarded. I swallowed hard as I reached for my coat and shoved it aside carelessly. My heart was in my throat. He was here. That was a very good sign. I hoped.

“You came.”

“You called.”

“I didn’t. I sent a ticket.”

“To Baltimore.”

“It was this or the museum.”

“Hmph. I like the museum. I fucking hate Baltimore.”

“Oh. Why are you here, then?”

He turned to face me, his denim-clad knee brushing against my expensive wool blend trousers. His expression was intense and brooding, with a layer of serenity that made me hopeful.

“I figured, what the hell? I’m always up for adventure and a good time. Kicking back on a train, reading a good book like….”

He picked up the book in my lap and grinned, his gorgeous face lit to perfection as he looked at me… really looked at me for the first time. “
The Canterbury Tales
. This isn’t anyone’s idea of a good time, Paul.”

I bit my lip and nodded. “I was reading the prologue and—”

“Good thing I got here when I did or you’d be dead ass asleep in less than five minutes.”

“You came to save me?” I heard a rawness in my tone that made me cringe. I sounded needy. Not confident and definitely not in control.

He cocked his head thoughtfully before leaning across the armrest. He was so close and smelled so good, I wanted to bury my nose in his neck and breathe him in. I held myself together and waited for him to say something… anything.

“Yes, I came to save you.” He brushed his thumb against his nose thoughtfully before speaking.

“From Baltimore?” I joked, fidgeting with the page corners of the book nervously. “I was going to call you, but….”

Seth smiled wanly and looked away. “It’s okay. I needed to think too. I’ve never seen you so….”

“Unhinged?”

He scoffed. “That works. You scared me.”

“I scared myself too. I’m sorry, Seth. I’m an idiot. I fell for the game. I knew what he was doing and I… folded. I never believed he was supporting you or that there was a conspiracy theory.” I gave a half laugh at his comical incredulous expression. “He just… knows how to press my buttons.”

“He’s an ass.”

“I know. I—I’m sorry.”

He sighed and brushed my jaw with the back of his hand. “I understand what it’s like to be afraid, Paul. But I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.”

“This… shouldn’t work. It might not work. We’re too different. We—”

“I love you.” He gave me a lopsided smile and leaned in to kiss the corner of my mouth.

“You do?”

“I do.” Seth’s eyelashes fluttered against my cheek. I wanted to close my eyes and lose myself in him, but I had to find my balance first. I felt raw but not out of control. Being with him made all the difference. I turned as much as possible in my seat to face him and prayed like hell I’d get this right.

“I love you too. In fact, I’m crazy for you.”

“I know you’re crazy.”

I bit my lip and gulped. “You’re right. I am. We’re much too different and we make no sense. You’re flighty and reckless. You never ask permission. You do as you please and you drive me mad. You’re impetuous and too—”

“Uh, you aren’t painting a pretty picture here. Is there anything you actually like about me?” His eyes twinkled as though he couldn’t wait to see where I was going with this.

“I love you. All of you. You know me. You know how to make me think, make me laugh, make me feel.” I swallowed hard and continued. “You are utterly unexpected. I love that you can quote Confucius one minute and cackle like an idiot over silly cartoons the next. I love your patience and your wisdom. And I love that even though you know I’m slightly batty, you’re still here. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. It scares me. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I hurt you. I—”

“Shh.” He shook his head and set his finger on my lower lip. “Hey, I’ve been scared too, Paul. I know heartache. I know loneliness. It’s made me cautious in some ways and reckless in others. It isn’t easy to give pieces of yourself when you aren’t sure what you’ll get in return. I didn’t want to belong to anyone because I didn’t want to get tossed aside again like I was insignificant or unworthy. The flesh wounds are nothing compared to what goes on inside. I get it. But I’m ready to take a chance on us. I won’t give up on you. I want to make you coffee in my boxers every morning and put my feet on your lap while you’re reading at the end of the day.” He gave a short self-deprecating chuckle as he traced my jawline tenderly. “I may drive you crazy on occasion, but baby, I promise… you’re safe with me.”

I couldn’t speak. I’d planned to grovel and beg, not to be comforted and reassured. I knew this man could quote literary greats at the drop of a hat, but I hadn’t counted on being swept off my feet. My heart felt suddenly too big in my chest. I was dizzy and a little delirious, but with hope. Not fear.

I threw my arms around his neck and squeezed him tightly, loving his soft hum of approval and his solid strength. I captured his head between my hands and sealed my mouth over his, gliding my tongue alongside his in what felt like the first time in forever. I pulled back and rested my forehead against his, breathing his air and reveling in his nearness.