Better Than Chance (27 page)

I had been guilty of assuming I knew him based on what I could see with my own eyes, or later, based on what he told me in his own words. However, it seemed the real truth lay somewhere in between. Maybe loving someone was about giving yourself up to chance entirely and accepting that you can’t always know everything about him. Maybe it’s about faith.

Peter’s relationship with his family or a past lover wasn’t important. Those relationships may have shaped who he was today, but they meant nothing if he wasn’t willing to take a chance on the future.

It was up to him.

11

I
LEFT
town the following weekend to go visit my family in Virginia. I needed a break and a change of scenery. They were absolutely thrilled to see me. However, I was far from my normal cheerful self, and my parents quickly caught on that something was up. My mom didn’t say anything for a full twenty-four hours but finally she succumbed.

“Are you going to tell me what’s the matter, or do I have to guess?”

I tried to give her an innocent “whatever do you mean?” expression, but the genuine concern in her eyes stopped me. I sat down heavily at the huge farmhouse table in the enormous kitchen where I’d spent so much of my childhood. I could remember begging my mom to let me help her peel potatoes or stir something… anything to get out of mucking out horse stalls. She took the chair next to me and reached over to run her fingers through my hair soothingly. I smiled weakly and leaned into her touch. I was lucky and I knew it. My parents accepted me completely and without question. I think it was always obvious to them that I wasn’t like my older brothers. I was athletic enough, but I was softer somehow and infinitely more sensitive. My family wasn’t surprised when I came out to them at age eighteen. They probably knew when I was thirteen.

We were a close-knit family. We celebrated birthdays and holidays and made sure we put the effort into being part of one another’s lives. My sexuality wasn’t a factor to any of them. I was just Jay. I was, at times, a slightly high-maintenance member of a large, loving family. I was confident of my place within this loud and sometimes overwhelming group. Knowing there were people who were literally shunned, abused, and turned away from their homes because of how or whom they loved was something I truly couldn’t fathom. The rejection Peter suffered was unimaginable to me. And the fact that he’d somehow found a way to make amends spoke of a wealth of strength and a great capacity to love and forgive. I only wished that he could see that.

My mom smiled reassuringly at me, her brilliant blue eyes crinkling slightly at the corners. She was in her late fifties and easily could have passed for ten years younger. Her blonde hair was cut in a stylish bob that framed her pretty, square jaw lovingly. She squeezed my hand hard. I looked at her and felt a rush of love and gratitude.

“Johnny, tell me sweetheart,” she coaxed.

I sighed deeply and looked out the huge picture window to the green pastures of our property. From my chair I could see a couple of quarter horses grazing in the nearby field. The Thoroughbreds would be out closer to the barns. I was about to ask my mom how many had been sold recently when she stopped me with a motherly shake of her head.

“Don’t try to throw me off track. I know you too well.” She stood briskly and came back to the table with a bowl full of peas. “Here, we’ll work shelling these peas while you talk.”

I picked up a pod and got to work. My mother did know me well. Confessions of the heart came more easily when I had a little diversion. I sighed and told her all about Peter. Well, within reason. She was still my mom, after all.

“Poor boy. He has to deal with his own demons, darling. There really isn’t anything you can do.”

“I know. That’s what I hate. It’s not my fight. It’s his. He has to want a future. Hell, maybe I’m deluding myself. Maybe he doesn’t want me….”

“Well, that would be his loss then.” She stood again and kissed the top of my head. “No more mopin’ about. There’s bound to be stalls to clean or….”

I stuck my fingers in my ears and screwed my eyes shut tight as I sang a chorus of “la la la.” My mom ruffled my hair and chuckled at my childhood mantra. Suddenly, I was very happy to be here. I knew it had been wise to come home. It was a good place to heal and plan my fresh start.

I
WASN
’
T
so sure I was thrilled after my brothers put me to work later that day. All three of them worked for my dad on the farm. David and Luke both worked training the horses, while James was in charge of operations. My sister Anna and I were the only ones who craved city living. I loved where I grew up, but I had no interest in spending day after day amongst the equine population. Plus, this was damn hard work.

I wiped perspiration from my brow with a bandana David threw at me and took a gulp of water from a canteen nearby.

“I’m heading back to the house for more water,” I announced.

David and Luke shared a look and rolled their eyes at me. Yes, I was aware that I could get water at the barn. I wanted to escape, and I wasn’t making a secret of it. Luke tossed a carrot stick meant for one of the horses at my back. I flipped him off without turning around and began my trek back toward the house.

I knew the moment I stepped into the kitchen that something was up. I could hear voices in the front parlor, which was a room used only for formal entertainment. Our family estate was huge, and there were many rooms that weren’t frequented by those who lived there on a daily basis. I listened intently, wondering who the caller was when the door to the kitchen opened and my mom came in, followed closely behind by none other than Peter.

“Hey.”

I couldn’t believe my eyes. I was rendered speechless… though not for long.

“What are you doing here?”

“Johnny! Where are your manners?” My mother muttered something about city manners versus good country manners and excused herself. Before she left she took Peter’s hand and I swear, fluttered her eyelashes at him as she gushed about how lovely it was to meet him. Oh brother. I had to admit he looked as handsome as ever dressed in casual jeans and a lightweight navy V-neck sweater. His dark, wavy hair was longish, but I decided I liked that look best. He was dreamy. No wonder my mother was taken by him.

“Johnny?” Peter smile was almost shy. He looked out the window before turning back to face me. “You said your parents lived on a farm. This is not a farm. This is a freaking palace!”

“It is a farm. We raise Thoroughbreds. Well, not me, but…. I already told you that months ago and…. Why are you here?” I repeated.

I brushed my hand across my forehead feeling grimy and generally yucky from a few hours out in the fields. Of course, Peter would turn up here now when I looked far from my best and when I would never in a million years expect him. I had a déjà vu of that night he came to Aaron’s and my rescue. Suddenly there when I needed him.

Peter remained stubbornly silent.

“Well?”

“I’m sorry to drop by like this. Aaron….”

“I should have known! That little shit is in so—”

“Don’t be angry with him. It’s me. I….” He massaged the back of his neck and looked around the room as if for inspiration as to how to begin. I went to the sink and poured a couple glasses of water to keep myself busy. Now that the shock had worn off, I was feeling skittish.

“Jay, I want to try… and before you turn me down, let me say a couple of things.”

He paused, so I nodded thinking he wanted my okay. He picked up one of the glasses I’d set on the table and took a sip.

“I… I want everything with you. I do.”

“Why are you saying this now? What…?”

“Shh. Please let me talk. Okay?” I tilted my head in agreement and he continued. “Jay… I don’t know how to be what you want. I’ve never done this before. I’ve never….” He seemed frustrated as though the right words weren’t within reach.

“Never done what?”

“I’ve never loved anyone before you.”

My heart went into overdrive. I wasn’t sure if he’d really said what I thought he had. The silence went on longer than I was comfortable with but I couldn’t speak if I tried.

“You’re so….” Peter looked like a caged animal suddenly. All energy and no space to wander. He paced the length of the farmhouse table, stopping once to stare at me, then started all over again.

“You’re special. You’re different from anyone I’ve ever known. You…. Look, I have hang-ups and issues I need to deal with or leave behind, but I don’t want to leave you behind. I know we are more than just friends with benefits and… if you’re willing to give me a chance… I want what you want.”

“What do I want?”

“Us?”

“Is that a question? I’ll tell you what I want, Peter. I want it all. I want a boyfriend.” I stopped to see if he would flinch at the word; he didn’t react at all, so I continued, “Who is committed to me and proud to be with me. I don’t want to be a secret lover. I want the real thing. Can you really handle that? Or me for that matter? I know I’m….”

“You’re perfect. I mean, don’t get me wrong. You’re high-maintenance, headstrong, stubborn, and you never shut up, but somehow… you are all I want. Jay, it isn’t a matter of whether or not I can handle this or you. Yes, I can. But it’s also… a matter of what I need. I need you, baby.”

My eyes watered, and I felt almost light-headed at his declaration. I could barely breathe.

“I’m a mess, Jay. I work an insane amount of hours, and I’ve done it for years. I’ve never thought I was running, but really… I think I was going through the motions. Everyone has crap in their family lives, so I certainly won’t place blame on my mother, but I will say that learning to accept myself, who I am, and whom I choose to love has been really fucking hard.” He paused and looked out the window for a moment. “For so long, I wished I could be what everyone wanted. I wanted to please my mom, but I couldn’t do that and be myself. And Jack… I just didn’t love him the same way. I couldn’t be what he wanted because I didn’t share his vision of a future together. So I overcompensated in my career. If I couldn’t please the people I cared about in one way, maybe I could still make them proud. Maybe then I didn’t have to lose them completely.”

“That’s sad to me. I… wh-why is this any different? How can you know I’m not the same?”

Peter chuckled softly and smiled. “I guess the truth is I don’t know. But it’s equally true to say that I just know. That’s all. You’re different. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I want to come home. To you. I want to talk to you, laugh with you, go on silly adventures. I want it all. I want to try to have it all with you.”

“You’re sure?” I didn’t stop the tear that leaked down my cheek, but Peter stepped close and wiped it neatly with his thumb. He let his hand slip around my neck as he brought his beautiful face close to mine.

“Very sure. Will you give me a chance?” His voice trembled as though my answer mattered much more than he wanted to admit.

“Yes.”

“Yes?”

“Yes!” I flung my arms around his neck and clung for dear life, showering Peter with kisses. He laughed and returned my embrace, then held my head in his hands as he kissed me properly. I felt the promise in his touch. I knew at that moment he wanted us to work as much as I did and that he would do his part to make it happen.

The rest would be left to chance.

Epilogue

O
UR
WEDDING
was unforgettable and completely magical. The romantic in me wouldn’t settle for anything less. We were married five years after we first met. It was a glorious spring day in DC with cherry blossoms in full bloom and the air ripe with possibility. Our guests were reduced to tears with poems, stories, and songs dedicated to Peter and me. To our union, to our future.

I looked out at the crowd that had gathered to celebrate with us and was grateful that Peter and I were blessed with so many amazing people who loved and supported us. Aaron was my best man, of course, and his hunky boyfriend, Matt, played guitar and sang a Jason Mraz song Peter and I loved. Katie was there with a date du jour. I asked her to be in charge of the flowers, which resulted in a lot of pink petals, but thankfully Peter didn’t seem to mind too much. His best person was Kelly. She was a mother now to two beautiful toddlers, Blake and Petra, and had a serene all-patient countenance that only a few parents ever seem to achieve outside of a sitcom. Jack was there too. He was single again, and I noticed him flirting shamelessly with one of Matt and Aaron’s friends at one point. Jack was a good man and a good friend. But Kelly had been right when she confided all those years ago that Peter and he hadn’t been a long-term match. There was something that didn’t fit, which was good news for me because Peter and I did.