Better Not Love Me (10 page)

Chapter 18

Nate set two Adirondack chairs near the railing of the deck as Amelia uncorked a new bottle and poured two glasses of wine.

"You've got a heavy pouring hand," Nate said, settling into his chair and accepting the glass.

"I learned from Amy. All the way back to when we were too young to know any better."

"It's great that you two are still so close."

"I'm just glad she's always there for me."

"Well, that's what family is for," he said.

"Do you have siblings?" she asked.

"Yes. A brother, but he's since passed on."

"Oh, I'm sorry," she said.

"It's OK. He was a great guy. A few years younger than me."

Amelia waited for Nate to continue, but he didn't and the conversation stalled. They sat quietly for a few moments and watched the sunset. She watched Nate sip his wine and carefully place it back on the arm of the chair. He seemed perfectly content with the silence, which she admired even as she realized it was driving her nuts.

"Can I ask you something?" she finally said.

"I suppose so," he replied.

"What did you mean the other day in the driveway about me knowing why you were here?"

"I thought you'd have it all figured out by now," he said.

"I have thought a lot about it, but I still don’t know what you meant."

Nate turned away from the sunset and positioned himself so he could look directly at her.

"Nobody has ever talked to me the way that you did that day—the day you quit. You were rude and loud and didn't let me get two words in as you cursed me up and down. But in the middle of your diatribe against me I set aside the anger I was feeling at you and started listening. Don't act too shocked."

"I'll try my best."

"You had this passion for Mr. Z's. You mentioned some list of Mary Klein’s you found that said we were doing it all wrong. You said the job had sucked the life out of you and you knew your store's employees better than your own children. You said you had become addicted to the store and work and that you hated it. And you hated me too."

"Nate, I'm sorry that—"

He stopped her.

"It's all right. You don't have to apologize. I know where you were coming from. I'm surprised you were the first employee to say it to me because I'm certain others felt the same too. My only focus has been driving that division of Riddell and I lost sight of everything else. I got an overwhelming sense of clarity when you stormed out the door that day. But as the days ticked by and I planned my own escape, I thought about how similar you and I really are."

"How so?"

Nate explained his marriage and how he and Stephanie had worked side by side for so many years until the bike accident took her away from him. He told Amelia that Chloe was raised mainly by her grandmother because he was too stubborn to take time away from work and be the father that she needed.

"Chloe's a great kid," Amelia said.

"Yes, I know and I wish I could take some of the credit for that, but I can't," he replied. "That's all thanks to her grandmother."

"That's not the whole truth," she said. "Being a single parent isn't easy. I know that firsthand."

"Well, I took your advice and decided that I too needed more time with my family and brought Chloe up here."

"How long is your vacation?" she asked.

"I don't know," he said.

"What do you mean 'you don't know?'"

"It's more like an extended leave of absence."

"But Riddell doesn't do leaves of absence. I know, because I tried to get one."

"I threatened to simply quit if they didn't allow me time away. Graham Barnes nearly threw me out when I asked. I'm fairly sure my position will be gone when I go back to work. They'll probably ship me off to the mailroom when I return when Chloe heads back to school this fall."

"Very daring move, Boss."

"Oh no," he said. "Don't be calling me boss now, not after all this time."

"Agreed, that's fair enough. It's just weird, you know, talking like this. Why didn't we ever talk like this before?" she asked.

Nate held up his glass. "Liquid courage."

"No, really. You seem like a completely different person than the guy I knew before."

"I guess you didn't really know me."

"I think that's well established, but why? In the four years I worked for you, I can count on one hand how many times I saw you."

"That's true. Our first meeting in Spokane. The planning session in Dallas. The store opening in New York. The Chicago annual meeting and then in Dallas again when you let me have it, before you quit."

Amelia marveled at how he too had memorized the times they had been together.  

"Why would you remember those times? Do you recall each time you've seen all your direct reports?"

"Hardly."

"Then why me?"

Nate ignored the question, stood up and poured out his wine glass over the edge of the railing. He paused, watching Amy and the kids on the dock. The sun had set, but they all remained on the dock, with their feet dangling over the edge. Amy keeping them occupied with some distraction.

"I should get the kitchen cleaned up," he said, without looking at Amelia. "I very much enjoyed talking with you tonight." 

Nate went inside, leaving Amelia alone on the deck. She sat there momentarily, trying to understand why Nate had so abruptly ended the conversation. She couldn't get over the unfinished feeling, like there was something missing. Maybe it was the wine. They'd both had plenty and she was feeling it. But it also tempered her unease about following him into the kitchen, which she did without hesitation.

Nate's back was turned away from her when he reached high over his head to place a serving bowl on the top of a kitchen cabinet. She got a brief glimpse of the scar on his back as his shirt rose up with his movement. The shirt again covered up the scar as he put his arms down and turned to face her. 

"What was that about?" she asked. "If I said something to upset you, I'm sorry. I know I haven't been the nicest person toward you . . . well, ever."

He smiled.

"No, you haven't, but I made sure of that," he said.

"I need to know what that means," she said, frustrated.

"I know. You deserve to."

He walked around the kitchen island so they were standing face to face. So close that she could smell his aftershave. Amelia's brain didn't work fast enough to register what was happening and why she was suddenly inches from Nate. He placed his hands on her waist and lower back and guided her even closer to him. She craned her neck to look at him.

Hours ago, the thought of being so close to this man would have made Amelia run. He was pure evil, right? But something was different about him. There was a vulnerability that she'd never seen before. And now as she felt his hard stomach as their bodies pressed together, she was confused at her feelings. He was so close. It was exhilarating. She hadn't been this close to a man since she and Josh split years ago and even then it was routine. Nate's touch excited her. Her body tensed. Her lips parted and she breathed deep.

"I don't understand," she finally said.

"Good."

He ran his finger over a long strand of hair on the side of her face before tucking it behind her right ear. He then admired her neck and slowly caressed it with the back of his fingers, which gave her welcome chills up and down her body. At that moment her body was his and he could do whatever he wanted with her, but he was respectful and cautious.  

She put her arms around him and rested her head on his chest. Her heart was pounding, but she could hear the same inside his chest too, which made her excited and nervous. He played with her hair as he spoke. She loved the warmth of his body and reveled in his scent.

"From that first day I met you in Spokane, I thought you were the most beautiful woman alive," he said. "And I decided I needed you to hate me, so I could never act on those feelings."

Chapter 19

She went cold with his words.
Needed you to hate me?
She didn't understand what that meant.

The intense embrace they held in the kitchen was shattered by what he said. She wanted more than anything to continue to stand there with him. For him to kiss her and continue to make her feel like the only woman in the world, but she couldn't and it pained her.

She pulled away from him and tried to speak. His arms slipped to her sides, not letting her get away, but she dropped her hands to her sides, then crossed her arms to push him further away and didn't meet his eyes. She tried to say,
I don't know what you're talking about.
But all that came out was "I don't." Her mouth remained open, unable to complete her thought.

Nate took her hand and walked her to the couch in the living room. She readily followed, unsure what was happening. He sat close to her, but facing toward her, giving Amelia all of his attention.

"I can explain," he said. He reached out to again place that strand of hair behind her ear, but she turned away, visibly telling him that he'd crossed a line. She crossed her arms again and turned away.

He continued.

"I cancelled our first meeting together, do you remember that?" he asked.

She nodded that she did.

"I got some news that day that hit me hard and I had to stay in Dallas."

"But you came the next day," she said.

"Yes, but I wasn't the same person as I had been days before. I was mad at the world. Mad that I was half a country away from my daughter. Mad at myself for wanting to be away from her. I was hiding the news from her."

"What news?"

"Cancer."

Nate explained, with the hindsight of the years that followed, about his cancer. He'd been alerted to the possibility that he had cancer the day he was supposed to fly to Spokane. But he didn't have a full diagnosis until weeks later, after tests and an exploratory surgery. At that point the doctors had removed a tumor on his kidney and started him on chemotherapy.

As he told the story he instinctively rubbed his chest below his collarbone, the location of the port-a-cath line, where the medicine had been repeatedly introduced to his body.

"But when I came to Spokane I had received no treatment at all," he said. "So I was angry and in denial. I had no idea what was in store for me. I didn't know if I would be able to watch my daughter grow up. I wasn't in a good place. But I kept the meeting with you, because that was what I was good at. Work. Not life."

"You should have cancelled," Amelia said. "And stayed home with your daughter."

"I know that now, but I didn't back then. I needed my life to return to normal. To work 12 hours a day. To lead the division. To expand Mr. Z's Toys across the country and to do that, I had to go meet with you. So I did."

Nate paused and repositioned himself on the couch.

"And then I met you," he said, almost in a whisper.

"And I treated you like garbage."

"Rightfully so," he began. "I had it in my mind to hate that toy store when I walked in. I was directing my terrified feelings about the cancer toward that harmless store. But then I saw you. You really don't know how beautiful you are, do you?"

Amelia didn't reply and he continued.

"I was a mess of confusion and so I put up a front. I barked orders and tried everything I could to detach myself from how I felt."

"How did you feel?" Amelia asked gently.

"Like I wanted to snap you up out of that store and run away from everything in my life and begin anew. And besides, you were married. I wouldn't do that to a marriage."

"That's a pretty strong feeling for just meeting me," she said. Amelia was embarrassed by his compliments and desires, but also flattered. Nate didn't know that she and Josh were well on their way to becoming separated at that point.

"I couldn't act on how I felt," he said. "I wanted so bad to learn everything about you. Simple things like what you ate for breakfast or where you liked to go on the weekends. What your dreams were. What made this gorgeous creature tick? I wanted to know everything. So I made sure I knew nothing."

"I'm not sure what to say," she said. "I give you credit. You had me fooled. You were a first class jerk. Up until a few weeks ago. But why? You didn't have to be like that."

"But you see, I did. It's hard to explain."

"Try," she said softly, holding her hand out to his, which he accepted. They held hands in his lap.

Nate told her what happened to his wife Stephanie. How they had worked side-by-side for years and their relationship was strong, but focused so intently on work that they couldn't function without it.

"It just sounds stupid now, but I couldn't imagine having feelings for someone I worked with. But instead of separating out the work part, I distanced myself from those feelings altogether. I was struggling with this diagnosis too and needed to fight it with everything I had."

Amelia was struggling with her reaction. She was hurt and confused. For years this man had secretly pined for her, but chose to treat her terribly because of it. This made absolutely no sense to her. Then she thought about those few times she had seen him and wondered about his appearance. She now understood why he looked so sickly one year, then fine the next. It was because of the stages of his cancer.

"How bad did the cancer get?" she said, avoiding a response to his emotional admissions to her.

"Removing the tumor and getting chemo didn't work," he said. "They removed one of my kidneys altogether and I went through a second round of intense chemo. They caught it early, but looking back they should have taken the kidney the first time they went in. They thought because we found it very early that the cancer wouldn’t have time to spread beyond the tumor. So it was a full two years before they took the kidney. The body works fine with one kidney, it's not like I miss it or anything."

"That's the scar on your back?" she asked. "Let me see it."

He turned away from her and pulled up his shirt. She gently ran her finger over the pink scar on his tanned back. She couldn't help herself. Her hands slipped around his body to his chest. She scooted closer and she leaned into him for an embrace. She could again feel his breathing. He placed his hands over hers, keeping her near him.

They stayed like that for a long while, not saying a word until Amelia released him and he turned back toward her.

"You're a mystery, Mr. Rosen,” she said.

“I’m sorry I put you through all that, Ms. Cook."

"You know that I've been divorced now for years," she said.

"I do."

"And that I no longer work for you," she continued.

"That’s abundantly clear."

"So those restrictions you put on us no longer exist."

"I suppose not," he said.

She stood up and he did the same. It would be so easy for her to lead him into the bedroom and do the thing they were both clearly thinking about. The attraction had been instant. Once his admissions to her were out in the open, she wanted him with every ounce of her being. But she resisted. They had yet to even kiss. She saw how his shirt bulged around his firm pecs. She held herself back from touching them again and running her hands down his stomach.

"I'll tell you what, Mr. Rosen," she said playfully. "We have a chance to try again. To start over. And as much as I want to rip that shirt off of you—and I freely admit that I would like to—I'm not going to. You need to earn that, and I think after all this time you know why."

"I think I see where you're going with this," he said.

Amelia surprised herself by kissing Nate deeply. She pressed her body against his. Their mouths intertwined in a synchronized movement and their hands explored each other’s body. His body felt like a chiseled block of granite. Its hard ridges drew her in, but when Amelia felt she was at the point of no return—when she thought she might not be able stop herself from allowing Nate to pick her up and carry her into the bedroom—she stopped.

She put her hand on his chest and took a step back, creating a slight distance between them. The distance was needed to break their magnetic connection. The pull toward him was strong. They were breathing deeply and it was clear the connection between them had not really been severed. Not one bit. Their senses were stimulated and they were only focused on each other. 

"I think that's enough for tonight," she said as their eyes continued to stay locked. She could see the disappointment in his eyes, which pleased her.

"We've got some making up to do before this continues any further," she said with a smile.

"How so?"

"You can pick me up tomorrow. Plan something fun. Let's start there."

She kissed him on the cheek and left him standing alone in the living room. She didn't even glance back as she walked out, hoping that her gamble paid off. Did she upset him, or challenge him? Was he watching her leave or would he chase after her?

Once she was on the trail between the two cabins and clearly out of sight, she stopped to catch her breath. Never in a million years had she thought this was how tonight would conclude, but she was oh so glad that it had.

For the first night in a long time, she would go to bed thinking about Nate, but not with hatred or distain, as she had for so long. No. Her thoughts were the kind of thoughts that you wouldn't share in public, but savor in the privacy of your own bedroom.