Betrayal (13 page)

Well Ava & Harry have arrived and we
have spent the first night at home.

Hope Louisa is well &
Congratulations to you both.

Kind regards, Maddie

After ensuring the babies are settled I
retrieve my tea and the downstairs monitor and decide to sit outside on the
front veranda wrapped in a cardigan as I watch and hear the sea crashing
against the bay.  After a while one of the babies cry and I move rapidly into
the lounge before they wake the other to find it is Ava.

‘I think your daddy is right young lady you
are going to be trouble’ I lift her and rock her moving to the window describing
the view to her in a soft whisper.

‘Hey’ a groggy voice calls from the door
and I glance up.

‘Hi, sorry did we wake you?’ he looks
gorgeous with his bed hair and his eyes all heavy as if he has been awake all
night exploring my body instead of watching our babies.  He has showered and is
dressed in jogging bottoms and a t-shirt, he must have brought clothes
intending to stay for a few days I imagine.

‘No that’s fine I never meant to sleep for
that long’ he glances to the clock to notice it is ten o clock.

‘You needed it. Listen you head off home today
we are all ok here’ I encourage.

He frowns, ‘are you attempting to get rid
of me by any chance?’

‘No not at all and I appreciate all your
help Brad but don’t you have work?’ I check.

‘Not this week, I will stay and help’ he invites
himself as he takes Ava from my hold, ‘how are you this morning little lady
still causing trouble I see’ he puts her against his shoulder, ‘is Harry ok?’

‘Yes, he is no trouble at all’ I move over
towards the crib and he is awake wriggling about, ‘and wide awake not making a
sound’ I coo lifting him gently and kissing his cheek.  ‘It’s us woman that
cause all the problems isn’t it Harry?’ I mumble stroking his hair, ‘he looks
so much like you’ I kiss him again love for him bursting from me.

********

Brad watches as she lifts Harry kissing him
as though he is the most precious thing in the world.  His insides ache for her
she has so much love to give, how diverse is she now to the stern, dejected
woman he discovered in Antigua all those months ago.  Motherhood has enabled
her to find unconditional love which is plainly what she was seeking.

He cannot desert them they are his family
how can he turn his back now?  He doesn’t doubt her ability in becoming a fantastic
mum but he also wishes to experience fatherhood this is his last ditch attempt
he isn’t getting any younger.

********

We settle into some kind of routine and the
babies are actually extremely well behaved, they feed every five hours despite
the midwife suggesting I wake them every four common sense prevailing.  Why
would anyone wake a sleeping baby?

Brad and I worked well together as a team
for the sake of the babies, none of our conversations were of a personal nature
but solely in connection with the baby’s lives and routine. He had stopped
recognizing me as a woman and addressed me only as the mother of his children. 
It injured me but I could expect nothing more, I deserved nothing more.

By the time Brad has to leave on the
following Sunday I am already beginning to panic inside over being left alone
to cope. I had allowed myself to rely on him something I regret at this moment.

‘You sure you are going to be ok?’ he
checks worry etched around his face.

‘Of course’ I roll my eyes but I sense he
sees through my bravado and realizes I am anxious.

‘Ok I will call later, I am afraid I am
going to drive you mad with calls and texts’ he warns.

‘That’s fine’ I smile, ‘Courtney is coming
up tomorrow for a couple of days’

‘You won’t drink will you what with
breastfeeding?’ he queries.

‘Brad!’ I scold, ‘you are going to have to
trust that I love my children’

‘Our children’ he reminds me, ‘and Maddie
further to our conversation last week while I appreciate that your intentions
were well meant - I am not going anywhere, I can cope they are my family too’

I nod as a mixture of emotions coarse
through me, relief and trepidation.  It would be easier if he walked
away….easier for me, but the babies have bonded with him Ava settles
immediately when he soothes her.

‘Ok, but if you are going to feature in their
lives as their dad you need to be consistent.  No deserting them when you receive
a better offer’ I warn, ‘when some bimbo comes along for example’ jealousy
sears through me at the mere thought.

‘I am aware of that’ he appears aggravated
‘I am working in Scotland this week is it ok if I return on Friday night?’

‘Of course’ I murmur visions of Brad with
some bimbo running through my mind.

‘Is it ok if I stay here or would you
rather I book a hotel?’ he requests.

‘No that’s fine we use the bed in shifts anyway’
I usually sleep first then when I get up Brad sleeps although he has begun to
relax over the past couple of nights since we moved the cot into the main
bedroom.  He now lays on the top of the bed watching them whilst I catch some
sleep. The guest room hadn’t been slept in all week.

‘You will check in on them regularly won’t
you?’ he appears apprehensive once again.

‘We have relocated the cot now so they are
right beside me’ I reassure him.  ‘I realize you won’t ever trust in me as a
person Brad but if there is one thing you can have absolute confidence of is
that I will always do what is right by our children’

He nods genuinely, ‘you are a good mum’

‘Thank you, ditto’ I smile.

‘Email me a picture a day they change
rapidly at this age’ he instructs.

‘Yes sir’ I salute him and his lips tilt
slightly ‘are you ever going to smile again?’ I sigh.  ‘I am sorry, I am sorry
I hurt you if I could reverse time and alter things now believe me I would I
promise Brad’ I murmur passionately, ‘unfortunately I can’t and it is I that will
have to endure the guilt of the pain I have instigated, trust me that is the
biggest payback ever’ my eyes plead with him.

He regards me cautiously before turning,
‘see you Friday’ he whispers ignoring my apology.

The week was busy for Maddison she had to
adapt to no longer having an extra pair of hands which generally was fine as
the babies demands were normally at different times but when both were
screaming it was usually Ava that got dealt with first due to the fact she has
the loudest cry.

Courtney adored them and helped somewhat
but had no experience with babies at all so appeared slightly flustered when
things got too messy or noisy.

‘So you aren’t together but he is going to
feature in their lives?’ she recaps as we sit with a baby each in the lounge on
her first night.

‘Yes, there are ground rules though’ I
explain ‘I refuse to being without my children at weekends’ I am adamant about
that fact and Brad appears to agree but it is early days and I am under no
illusion that opinions could change when he subsequently meets someone else. 
Pain scorches my insides as I logically inform my brain that I have to be
prepared - chances are that is going to happen and I will then have to face the
consequences of my behavior.

‘But he has been sleeping in your bed all
week?’ Courtney murmurs bringing me back to our conversation.

‘Not at the same time as I have’ I assure
her, ‘we have been taking turns sleeping in it’

‘So do you still love him?’ Courtney’s probing
eyes find mine.

‘Yes’ I mutter my insides warm at the
thought of how much I love him.

‘Talk to him’ she urges, ‘attempt to sort
things out, I was there Maddie you were great together’

‘I can’t’ I wipe a hormonal tear from my
cheek, ‘how can I after the stunt I pulled?’

Courtney’s hand finds mine, ‘look what you
have given him Maddison, how can he not forgive you?’

True to his word Brad called several times
a day.  On one occasion I ignored it due to the fact I had Ava screaming whilst
I was changing Harry’s messy nappy so it diverted to voicemail.  Obviously not
content with this Brad called directly back panicking so I had to put the phone
on speakerphone,

‘Is everything ok?’ he called.

‘Yes Brad, I am changing Harry and your
daughter is being impatient’ I explain flustered, ‘I cannot always answer
immediately’

‘I thought something was wrong’ he shouts
over the screaming, ‘what’s wrong with her?’

‘She wants a cuddle.  Ava honey’ I call and
Brad joins in calling her which must have been comical if anyone was listening
at his end.

‘I will call you back in ten minutes’ he
calls.  By the time he calls back peace had resumed and I have Harry watching
the mobile on the mat and Ava is snuggled into my neck.

‘She is your daughter alright’ he mumbles
when I explain where they both are.

‘I don’t scream’ I gasp.

‘No but you cause me grief’ he mutters
lightly.

‘No I don’t’ a lump appears in my throat at
this knowledge.

‘Listen. I hope it is ok but my family want
to meet the twins?’ he asks.

‘Sure when?’ I test.

‘Well they are hoping to drive down at the
weekend, only for a couple of hours just to meet them is that ok?’ he sounds
slightly embarrassed by this.

‘Of course, they have to take us how they
find us.  If Ava starts screaming I cannot be held responsible’ I joke.

‘You leave Ava to me’ he sounds amused and
my stomach flips ‘how was things with Courtney?’

‘She tried bless her but couldn’t wait to
get out of the door’ I confide.

He chuckles, ‘I guess that’s something we
should get used to’

‘I guess’ I smile ‘they love walking in the
pram’ I inform him.

‘I wanted to be there for their first trip’
he complains, ‘Saturday morning we will walk along the beach with them’ he
states.

‘Ok. They have a new waterski center at the
pier by the way’ I inform him.

‘Jet Ski’s?’ he checks.

‘Yes, I can’t wait’ I realize it’s our
thing.

‘Ok, well wait until you are healed and I
am around’ he instructs.

‘Ok’ I agree my insides smiling at the
normality of our conversation.

‘Oh I heard from Lucy she loved the photo,
thank you for sending it’ he mentions.

‘That’s ok I promised I would let her know’
I suddenly miss him with such a force that I feel tears prick behind my eyes.

‘She insists we must all get together for a
play date’ he continues in a pretend bored voice and I smile through the tears.

‘That’s good of her, how are they getting
along with Louisa?’

‘Sleepless nights, the same all around
really only there is just one of her’

‘Exactly.  It’s a good job Harry is so
good’ I speak aloud.

‘I miss them’ he murmurs suddenly.

‘And I am certain they miss you, only a
couple of days’ my heart stops as I long for him to miss me.  It appears as if
as soon as Brad is away he becomes talkative, we have long chats not only about
the babies but about the coffee shop I am thinking about opening and the
neighbors who have stopped by with gifts and flowers.

‘It really is a find’ he replies, ‘such a
lovely cottage and outlook’

‘It is’ I agree, ‘the twins can grow up by
the sea air’

‘I had better go’ he closes down and I
wonder whether it is the prospect of the babies being so far away from London.
It isn’t as if he can pop in and see them on his way home from work. I guess I
still have the flat in Richmond above the shop maybe we will drive down on a
more regular basis to allow him a midweek visit occasionally.  We can make this
work.

‘Ok thanks for calling’ I reply politely.

By the time Brad arrives on Friday night it
is nine o clock and the babies are asleep in their cots.  I had dressed in my
black leggings and a sky blue blouse pulling my hair into a high ponytail and
actually taken the time to apply some makeup and lip-gloss.

‘Hi’ he smiles lightly as I open the door.

‘Hi’ I suddenly feel shy around him without
a baby in my arms. My eyes absorb him in his jeans and a polo-shirt my hands
itching to touch.

‘They asleep?’ he interrupts my dark
thoughts.

‘Yes, but they will wake in a couple of
hours.  Good trip?’ I stand to allow him past.

‘Yes long drive though’ he drops a kiss on
my cheek and I am so surprised I blush. ‘You look better’ he notes.

‘I am good thank you just have to lose a
bit of jelly belly and cover up the dark shadows under my eyes through lack of
sleep’ I become girly and cringe inside at my response.

‘That will soon come off, you look good’ he
comments his eyes moving over me no longer as a mum but as a woman.