Bet Me (Finding My Way) (5 page)

“Hey girlie”

“Hey, where you to?” I ask

“At a house party why?”

“Come to the club”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, bring a few friends as well. It’ll be worth it. I promise”

“See you in ten” she hangs up.

The DJ puts on a song and the crowd start chanting “Dance” so I turn to Andrew and shrug my shoulders “You owe me” he just laughs and takes my hand.

We spend the next fifteen minutes dancing on the bar, me grinding into his hips and him running his hands through my hair, much to the clubbers delight. When we finally stop to catch our breath everyone is gathering around the bar to get more drinks and Andrew and I jump down once we are both handed a bottle of beer each. Andrew heads back to the table and I promise to meet him there once I have found my friends, I find them stood near the dance floor looking around. I don’t like what I’m about to do and have to stop to hold my stomach for a minute before I head over to greet them.

Once I’ve spoken to them all briefly and told them my plan they follow me back to the table.

“Brooke what the hell was all that about up on the …” Sophie trails off when she notices that I’m not alone. 

“Hey guys, I have some friends for you all to meet. Everyone this is Ade, Louise, Hannah, Adele, Lauren, Whitney and Gemma” I point out each girl when I say their names then turn to the girls. “Girls this is, Sophie, Lucy, Mel, Jess, Cam, Derek, Tucker, Jamie, Neil, Matt and Andrew” I do the same pointing everyone out to each other. “I’ll be back in a sec, just going to say hey to a few people” I say as I watch the girls all introduce themselves to the guys.

“Hey, Zack finished for the night?” I guess as I bump into him.

“Yeah, busy tonight, you enjoying your night?” He asks looking around the club.

“Yes, it’s been one to remember anyway”

“Wanna dance?” he asks looking uncomfortable just standing around by the dance floor.

“Sure” I reply as I take his hand and follow him onto the dance floor.

“What’s wrong? You don’t look all that happy?” I ask frowning when I look up and see he’s distracted.

“I had an argument with Bex” He sighs frustrated.

“You’ll be fine”

“I don’t think we will, it was a pretty big one” he shakes his head frowning and I guess that he’s running through the argument in his head.

“Honey arguing isn’t all bad in a relationship” I assure him

“How so?” he asks hopefully

“What comes with arguing?” I ask

He appears to think it over for a second “Make-up sex” he says with a nod of his head making me laugh

“True, but apart from that?”

“A headache” he replies straightaway.

“No. Passion. You both argue because you love each other. You’re hurting now the same as she is because you have the power to be able to hurt each other, you can only hurt someone if they care about you. It’s when you no longer care enough to argue that you want to worry” I assure him

“I guess you’re right” he smiles and then starts twirling me around the dance floor making me giggle and people cheer as we go past them. After a few laps around the dance floor the music switches to a slow song and I glance over at the table all my friends are sat at, I’ve kept an eye on it during dancing and Louise did exactly what I asked and somehow managed to give Tucker all her attention without making anything seem obvious now she is sat on his lap and giggling as he whispers something in her ear.

“I don’t know about you but I’m ready to go home now” I sigh happily at Zack and we say our goodbyes. I head over to the table but come to a complete stop when I see Tucker kissing Louise. I know this is what I planned and what I wanted to happen but I didn’t want to see it and I seem unable to tear my eyes away from what’s happening in front me. I have the sudden urge to throw up but hold my stomach and force a smile on to my face as I reach the table.

“I’m heading home now, I’ll leave the key out for you in the usual place guys” I say to Sophie and Matt.

I manage to thank and say goodbye to the whole table without looking at Tucker when he says his goodbye to me I concentrate on the area in between his eyes instead of looking at them directly.

The next morning as I curl up on the sofa and
pull my legs under me I use my coffee cup to warm my hands.

I’m aware that I look like crap and got next to no sleep thanks to the nightmares keeping me up most of the night. I suppose they have come back because it’s this time of year again. Twelve years today since my dad died. I’m going to make the three hour drive and go visit his grave today. The only thing is for the last two nights I’ve been having nightmares now.

Ever since Tucker came back in to my life.

A few moments later I’m joined by Sophie and Matt.

“You’re not still mad at me are you?” Sophie asks worrying her bottom lip, it’s then I realize I’m frowning.

“No don’t worry about it, I was thinking that’s all” I smile weakly at her.

“I know what you were doing last night” She says softly. She never could see past any of my plans.

“I really don’t want to talk about it” I shake my head at her “I have something I need to do today, so I won’t be around. In fact I won’t be back until my shift at the club tonight”

“Umm okay…” Matt says looking at me curiously

“Help yourself to food and everything, there are clean towels and stuff upstairs, you know where everything is and I’ll meet you at the club tonight”

“You’re not going to do anything st….” Sophie is cut off when my phone rings and I grab it smiling, not needing to check the screen to know who it is.

“Happy Birthday”

“It’s a day late ... but whatever” I smile into the phone.

“Will you forgive me?”

“I love you, so you can get away with stuff like that” I assure him

“What time am I meeting you today?” he asks not needing to check if I’m definitely going.

“Umm ... how about for lunch, I have to be back here by seven?”

“Sure sounds great, can’t wait to see you Brooke”

“Same, I have a lot to tell you” I smile.

“Good night then huh?” he teases

“Well I got drunk” I say not answering directly making him laugh as he hangs up.

“I didn’t know you were seeing someone” Matt smiles at me making me laugh and shake my head as I head upstairs to start the emotion rollercoaster that will be today.

Hey Dad

It’s me again, another year has passed without you and surprise, surprise, I’m still here and missing you as usual.

I won’t say it’s easier as the years go on but I think I know how to handle it a bit better now. I had a good birthday last night, well half a good birthday. Tucker’s moved into the same town as me … and as if that’s not enough, he’s in a band that plays at my club every weekend. You remember Tucker? He’s the one who broke my heart. But he’s also the one who saved my life. It’s easier to be around him now. I suppose I have you to thank for that in some strange way. Missing you every day and loving you every day, but not being able to be with you kind of helps me be around him.

Sophie and Matt have come up for a visit so I’m sure we will have some fun over the next few days. I wrote mom another letter saying that I was sorry for everything but I still haven’t had a reply. Though I don’t write a return address on them because I don’t want them to know where I live.

Will say’s “Hi big fella” by the way, he’s been taking good care of me and I’m glad you had him in your life, even if it wasn’t for as long as it should have been. He keeps me in line though and I know that tonight no matter what sort of fool I make of myself in front of a hundred people, he will be there for me.

Well I have to go because Sophie can hear me crying and she’s going to come check on me. So I’ll see you later and I’ll give you a hug.

Miss you ever day, but love you more every day.

Forever your baby girl

Brooke.

xxxxx

As if she can read what I was writing Sophie pushes my door open just as I’m putting my letter into an envelope and in my bag. I wipe away my tears and offer a weak smile. She tries to bring me into a hug but I step around her knowing that it will only make me breakdown and then I’d never be able to leave here.

Calling out a goodbye over my shoulder, I jog out of the house and hop into my car.

I force a smile as I make my way
through the club and the regulars greet me.

Pushing through the crowd until I climb over the bar. I silently beg myself to be able to hold it together long enough to get through the night. As soon as I spot Will heading towards me, I know that’s not going to happen. I turn my attention away from him and wave to Cam and Derek who are being served by Lucy.

“Hey,” he greets as he pulls me into a hug “How are you feeling?”

“I’m getting there, I think. It’s been a long day” I admit squeezing him back.

“I know darling, I miss him too, not as much as you, but I do miss him. He was a good man”

“I know” I nod and sniff back the sob chocking me.

“He’d be proud of you, you know that right?” He says releasing me and I notice his eyes are filling up, he turns and walks away as I wipe my own tears away and turn to start serving drinks. I hold back a sigh as Tucker is the first person I need to serve.

“You okay Brooke?” he asks watching the tears roll down my cheeks as I silently get him a bottle from the fridge. “Hey, what’s up? Don’t cry” he says softy as he wipes my cheeks with his thumb.

“Don’t,” is all I say, causing him to frown down at me “Please” I beg and turn to the next customer.

I manage to get through serving as many people as I can to help clear the queue without completely breaking down. I only manage this by not looking at anyone I know. About half an hour later, Will pulls me up onto the bar and passes me a mic.

“Are you ready Brooke?” he asks silencing the club.

“Let’s get it over with” I say defeated.

“Hey now, we don’t rush this,” he scolds me playfully, which gets a small smile from me. “As you all know it was Brooke’s birthday yesterday and she chose to celebrate it with all the people she loves, that is all of you guys,” he tells the crowd and is rewarded by a loud cheer. “But now, she asks you all to go easy on her tonight, she’s not real happy tonight guys, because the one man Brooke loves and wanted to be here last night couldn’t make it, so we need to do our best to try and cheer her up” he pulls me under his arm and kisses my forehead soothingly as another tear rolls down my cheek.

Andrew joins us on the bar looking confused and worried as he stands next to me. The DJ puts on ‘Bed of roses’ so it’s its soft background music and before I can stop it from happening, I’m transported back to the night before my life turned to hell.

“Sing to me daddy” I giggle up at him as I snuggle down into my bed.

“What do you want me to sing baby girl” he whispers softly kissing my head.

“The one about the flowers” I beg making him chuckle.

“The truth is baby your all that I need” I giggle as he starts the song not from the beginning but from my favourite part, it’s our tradition. “I wanna lay you down in a bed of roses…tonight I sleep on a bed of nails … I want to be just as close as the holy ghost is … and lay you down on bed of roses…

“Well I’m so far away … That each step I take is on my way home”

I can hear the cry the rip through me before it even leaves my lips. I watch as Sophie, Matt and Tucker all run towards me and Andrew grips me into a hug. “I need …” I gasp.

“You need what honey?” he asks soothingly.

“The… the … the song” I try again.

“What about it?”

“Turn it off” I beg as I try to control my sobs and stop the memories that come back to me as the chorus plays again. I hear Andrew say something to someone but I strengthen my grip on him, hoping he can pull me away from the crash that’s going to happen.

“You turned eleven today baby. You know what that means don’t you”

I nod up at him and put on a serious face “It means I’m a grown up now”

I smile as his soft laughter washes over me.

“It means you’re a big girl now” he says as he tickles me.

“Wait, you’re not going to leave me are you daddy?”

“No baby, I’ll never leave you silly. I love you”

“I’m going to marry a man exactly like you when I’m proper grown up cause you’re the best daddy in the world” I wrap my arms around his neck.

“No, you’re the best sweetie and I’d kill anyone who ever tells you any different”

“No one would dare when my dad’s so big and strong” I giggle when he lifts his arms flexes his muscles letting me plant a kiss on them. ”Your silly daddy”

“I wish we could stay in this night forever baby” He says tucking me into bed properly.

“Why?” I ask and feel my eyebrows pull in.

“Because, I never want you to grow up and move away from me. I want to keep you sweet and innocent like this forever” he says simply and kisses my nose one last time.

“Night daddy, Love you always”

“Sweet dreams baby girl. Love you forever” he says from the doorway and watches me as I feel my eyes grow heavy.

That was the last time I ever saw him.

I focus my eyes on the club and everyone is watching me, the DJ has changed the background music to an eighties pop song I note gratefully. Matt, Tucker and Sophie are all watching me, stood on the bar now themselves. I pull away from Andrews hug and wipe away my tears again.

“Brooke?” Andrew asks, frowning.

“Help me” I whisper back.

“Happy Birthday baby girl” he kisses my cheek and folds something small into my hand.

“What is it daddy?” I ask opening my eyes, we’re in the kitchen, everyone else is out the back at my birthday party.

“It’s a special present just for you from me. You have to promise that you will look after it and never tell mommy about it okay” he’s looking into my eyes, I’m not sure why so I just nod and run up to my bedroom. I open my hand and pick up the yellow necklace it’s a little heart.

I lower myself to my knees on the bar and clutch at the chain that still hangs around my neck.

I open the heart and read the message inside. “Never give up on what you love” I don’t really know what it means but I know I love my dad and I would never give up on him so I hide my special present inside a sock and hide it under my mattress. I will only take it out when I move away.

I shake my head to get rid of the memories. Tucker’s crouched in front of me.

“Are you okay, Brooke?” he asks softly.

Looking into his eyes, I’m reminded that everyone who has claimed to love or care for me has left me no choice but to carry on my own no matter what they are leaving me with.

“What have you done?” My step dad screams at me holding up a bloodied bed sheet.

“I don’t know it happened last night” I cower away from him, I’m  not sure why I feel scared but my body is telling me to protect myself. My step father has always creeped me out but never scared me before.

“I knew it wouldn’t take much longer” he snarls at me, I curl myself into a ball on my bed not sure what’s going on with my body but he doesn’t like it.

“It’s not my fault, I didn’t mean it to happen ... I’m sorry” I’m crying now.

“It is your fault,” his voice is soft now as he walks over to me. “You’re a whore,” He lands a punch on me making me scream out. “Remember that” he says from my doorway then leave me to cry.

I flinch and clutch my stomach involuntarily remembering the very first time he hit me.

“What did you do?” My mother screams at me.

I’m still led on my bed crying and clutching my stomach.

“He hit me mom!” I beg her with my eyes, hoping she will save me somehow.

“You deserve it” she snarls at me.

“But ... I thought you loved me?” I whimper.

“No one could ever love you. No one ever has loved you” she shuts my bedroom door, leaving me alone once again.

Tucker is still waiting for me to answer his question I realize.

This is what my dad left me to live through. Did he not care? Anger washes over me.

I nod up at Tucker and he pulls me up taking his place behind me.

“Let’s do this” I croak into my mic at Will who nods at me and we all turn as Lucy hands us all a shot of my dads’ favourite drink. Jack Daniels.

I don’t like it but it’s the only thing I will be drinking tonight and it will get me drunk enough to forget at least for a night.

“Go ahead Brooke” Will encourages me
gesturing to my mic. I turn to face the crowd and take a deep breath getting ready for the hardest part.

“As you have all noticed, I’m a bit of a mess tonight. I’m sorry for being depressing but like a trooper; I’m going to bring you all down with me.

“If any of you have ever loved someone, you know how good that feels. That one person, who can make everything okay with just a smile, can make you laugh when you just want to cry. Makes you understand why you are alive when you just want to end it. That person who no matter what happens, will always be there for you. The one who will do everything he can to make sure you never get hurt… But then you wake up and that person isn’t there for you anymore. When they are no longer around to make you laugh or hold you when you cry. Not there to tell you everything will be okay when clearly it isn’t going to be. Not there to see you through the painful nights.