Besotted (2 page)

‘Oh, Lana. You and all the believers of this world. You pray and you pray and all your billions of unanswered prayers are like wailing cries somewhere. Your God doesn’t exist.’ His voice is so sad.

‘How do you know?’

‘Because if he did the world wouldn’t be the way it is. And even if he does exist he is definitely not the lord of this world.’

I look up into his face. Already the weight of being the head of the Barrington dynasty is changing the shape of his face.

‘Why do you say that?’

‘Look around you, Lana. The entire planet—land, air and sea—has been poisoned by sheer greed, your food is toxic, you are governed by sociopaths who wage war after war with impunity while promising peace, and humanity itself is poised on the brink of extinction. Who do you think is in charge? Your God of love and light, or mine?’

There is a tap on the door. Blake closes his eyes and sighs. ‘Maybe this conversation can wait till later,’ he says. He looks so tired, so burdened, I wish I could take him away from all this.

I nod and move out of the circle of his arms.

‘Come in,’ he calls. And I see the transformation in him—the way the mask of power slips back into place—and lament it. Vulnerability has no place in the world of gaudy wealth.

By the time Brian opens the door and comes in the mask is firmly in place. The man who had nuzzled my hair has dissolved.

‘Your brother is on the line.’

‘Marcus?’

‘No, Quinn.’

I notice the look of surprise on his face. He takes the phone and Brian leaves, closing the door behind him.

‘Quinn. Yes. No. You will come? Three thirty p.m. Of course, they’ll be there. But you have nothing to fear, I will be there.’ I feel the strength flow back into his voice. ‘While I am alive they can do nothing. Have you spoken to Marcus? You should call him. This has affected him greatly. He was very close to…Dad. When will you come? Good I’ll send someone to pick you up. Goodbye Quinn.’

He ends the call and looks at me. ‘If ever anything happens to me, the only one you must trust is Quinn.’

Fear like l have never known slams into me. And a pain takes root so deep inside myself that I find myself gasping the next breath. ‘Why do you say that? Are you in danger?’

‘I don’t think so, but it is always wise to be safe. I have made extensive plans to protect you and Sorab in the event anything does happen to me. You will be safe. You will have money and a new identity.’

I gaze at him in horror. At that moment he becomes my greatest enemy. Money? Is he mad? ‘Fuck you!’ I scream suddenly. ‘Extensive plans to protect me and Sorab? If you die on me I don’t want a fucking penny from you. It’s blood money.’ 

He strides towards me and crushes me tightly against his broad chest. I crumple inside his arms. ‘Nothing is going to happen to me. I just said that as a precaution. The way other people take out life insurance.’

‘You are my angel,’ I sob. ‘I cannot go on without you.’

‘I cannot lie to you, Lana. If I have to I will sacrifice myself for you, over and over. But you must be strong. You have Sorab.’

‘Has it become hot in here?’  I feel feverish, as if I could faint.

Immediately he tilts my face up to his. ‘You’re pale.’

‘No kidding,’ I say, but my voice seems to come from far away. My eyes burn.

‘I’m not trying to scare you, Lana. I’m trying to make you feel safe. I could die tomorrow in a car accident. I want you and Sorab to be safe and well. That’s all.’

‘Fuck you.’ I wish I could wrap my arms around him and tell him not to go anywhere.

‘Stay here. I’ll go get something—’

‘No, no, you won’t come back. Don’t leave me, please.’

‘It’s OK, OK. I’m not going anywhere.’

There is a sound from below. We both turn to look at him. He gazes back at us with large, curious eyes and for an instant, for a disconcerting instant, it is as if he can see through us, right through to our tormented souls. Blake releases me and goes to his son. Sorab makes a shrill sound of delight as he picks him up. The child lays both his hands flat on his father’s cheeks as if he is trying to get all his attention. And when his father nods, he laughs. His father throws him up into the air and catches him while he laughs uproariously.

Oh God, oh God. If only he was just a normal person, if we could just live a normal life, but here he is. Trying to be normal. Trying his best to give us all he can. Yes, I do not know him. There is much left to be done, but this, this can be the prelude to our life. For I am determined to be there each morning when his eyes flutter open.

Two

S
orab and I leave after breakfast with Tom. Blake kisses us goodbye. He will not be coming with us. He will be going the way he came, in a black hawk. I tell Tom to stop by Billie’s. Then I call her.

‘Are you all right?’ she asks me urgently.

‘We’re fine. We’re on our way to you.’

‘Who’s we?’

‘Sorab and me.’

‘How long before you get here?’

‘Two hours.’

‘I’ll be waiting for you,’ she says, and ends the call abruptly. I look at the phone in my hand with surprise. Strange. I thought she might want to chat, find out more. Oh well.

I knock on her door and it is suddenly flung open. Billie snatches Sorab out of my startled hands and runs with him towards the room Billie and I have together decorated as Sorab’s. Slightly bewildered, I close the front door and follow them. I walk into the blue and yellow room in time to see her deposit Sorab in his cot, shove a toy into his hands, and turn towards me with a contorted face.

‘What?’ I ask and she launches herself at me. She hugs me so tight I can hardly breathe.

‘Hey,’ I say. ‘It’s going to be OK.’

That only makes her go stiff in my arms. She pulls away from me. ‘Don’t lie to me, please.’

I stare at her. I am speechless with shock. Even though her voice is utterly normal, tears are escaping from her eyes and running quickly down her face.

‘It’s never going to be OK, is it?’

‘Of course it is.’

‘No, it’s not,’ she mutters darkly.

I open and close my mouth without having said anything. I have never seen Billie like this before. It shocks me. She’s always so cool, so sarcastic.

‘The old rat’s dead. You’re not going to tell me
that
was an accident.’

I shake my head slowly.

‘See,’ she says, fresh tears slipping down her cheeks.

‘Yes, but it is over now.’

‘Over? Can’t you see that it will never be “over”? I wish to God you had never gone into that fucked up family of reptiles.’ 

I grip her by her arms. ‘But I did, Bill. I’m in it. I love Blake with all my heart. And he is Sorab’s father.’ I turn and look at my son. He is gazing at us again with those big, innocent eyes; not crying, not upset, but aware that something is not right.

‘Have you chosen wisely?’

For a moment the words are like thorns in my heart. I close my eyes. Then I open them and face Billie. ‘I cannot be without him, Bill. I simply can’t.’

Billie wipes her nose on the sleeve of her oversized T-shirt.

‘Let me go get you some tissue.’

‘You can’t. I ran out yesterday.’

‘Oh, Bill! Wait here.’

I go into her bathroom and tear off some toilet paper. When I go back to the room she is standing exactly where I left her. I fold the toilet paper, clip it around her nose, and say, ‘Blow.’

She cracks a smile, takes the toilet paper from me, and blows her nose noisily. ‘I’ve been so frightened and confused these last few days.’

‘Come on, let’s discuss this over a cup of tea,’ I cajole.

‘All right,’ she agrees and reaching into the cot picks Sorab up. Together we go to the kitchen. She closes the door and puts Sorab on the ground. Immediately he starts crawling very fast across the floor.

‘My God look at him go,’ Billie exclaims, for the moment her earlier worries forgotten.

I laugh. ‘He changes from day to day. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I swear he has grown in the night.’ 

I fill the kettle with water while Billie lays a plastic mat on the floor and throws some toys on it. Sorab squeals and moves quickly towards them. While Billie sets about preparing Sorab’s milk, I drop tea bags into two mugs and three-quarter fill them with boiling water. I look into the cupboard where the biscuits are usually kept and it is empty. I open the fridge and peer into its impressive bareness.

‘Want some milkie, banker baby?’ I hear Billie ask Sorab.

Sorab lifts both hands and waves them in the air.

‘Good baby,’ she praises, and, gently pushing him down to the plastic mat, puts the teat into his mouth. She holds the bottle in place with one finger until he grasps it with both hands.

‘Don’t you have any food at all in this house?’

Billie gets off the floor and turns towards me. ‘Nope,’ she replies, totally unconcerned.

‘Want some of Sorab’s grape biscuits?’

‘OK.’

I shake out a couple and we sit next to each other.

I watch her put six spoons of sugar into her tea and stir it morosely. She takes a sip. ‘Well?’

I tell her everything I know.

She frowns. ‘It’s all a bit hard to believe, isn’t it?’

‘I’m sure it was far more difficult for the people who thought the world was flat to accept that it was actually round. Wouldn’t people on the bottom half be falling off? But the world is round. From young we have been trained to unquestionably accept what we are told from our parents and teachers. They taught it to us just as they had learned it. What if they, too, had been deliberately taught the wrong thing?’

‘OK, I get that they want to cull the ‘useless eaters’. I even get that they start wars not because they are promoting democracy and freedom, but because they want the country’s oil or gold or whatever. But why are they poisoning the land, water and air? Don’t they have to breathe the same air and live on the same land as us?’

‘I don’t have the answers, but I intend to find out.’

‘What really worries me is how safe are you?’

I sigh. ‘I haven’t really had a chance to speak to Blake about many things, but one thing I do know is that if Sorab and I were not safe now, I wouldn’t be here talking to you.’

‘So is Blake the new head of the Barrington empire now?’

‘I guess so.’

‘What about his older brother? Shouldn’t he be the next in line? And if he isn’t, wouldn’t he be jealous and plotting Blake’s downfall?’

I cover my eyes. ‘I don’t have any answers, Bill. I am scared. The future frightens me, but Blake is nobody’s fool. He plays his cards very close to his chest. He never once let on that he knew his father was watching. He let it all unfold in precisely the manner he had decided it would.’

Three

I
know that Blake will be home very late because there is so much for him to organize. Even while I was with him the phone calls never stopped. As I promised to do, I call him when we reach the apartment building. We don’t talk for long—he is busy. I put my key through the door and realize that this is now home for me. It is where I live with my little family.

So much has happened here.

I play for a while with Sorab, then feed him and put him to bed. I prepare some food—grilled cheese on toast, and, eat it alone—I clean up after myself and wander about the place. From room to room I go switching on lights. It all feels so still and silent. Tonight I cannot bear any shadows. I see ghosts everywhere. I wish Blake would come home. When the phone rings I grab it with relief.

‘Hello.’

‘Hello, my darling. I’m missing you.’ His voice is like velvet in my ear.

‘Me too.’ 

‘What are you doing?’

‘Nothing. When are you coming home?’

I feel almost tearful. So much has happened that I do not understand. My head is so full of questions and worries. We haven’t made love since that night at the Ritz, and I long to feel him on my skin, and deep inside me. I am desperate to forget, to purr, to lose myself and ride that wave of ecstasy. I decide to have a bath, a really long bath, with bubbles and scented oils. I lay my head back and try to relax.

Everything will work out.

Everything
will
work out.

But I am unable to relax. I get out of the bath, dry myself down, lather my skin with some lotion that has honey and extracts of avocado in and lie on the bed reading. By ten Blake is still not home. I go to the fridge and pour myself a glass of white wine. I should put some music on. It feels so deserted and strange. I check on Sorab. All is fine there.

I stand for a while in the balcony. For some reason I think of Jack. Ever since that last time I saw him I have not heard from him. I wonder where he is and what he is up to. I look up to the stars and say a silent prayer for him. Wherever you are, be well. The night air is cold and makes me shiver. Eventually I return to the bed and my book. I want to wait up for Blake, but I fall asleep while reading.