Benevolent (11 page)

That was the beginning. It was great. She made me wait three weeks before I could kiss her and once I was allowed to press my lips to hers, I nearly ejaculated in my pants. I thought the world tipped on its axis once I felt her tongue on mine. I could tell she was new to kissing, and it made me feel high. The thought of being her first kiss made me puff out my chest and feel manly and shit. I couldn’t explain it, but there was something about being the only person to feel her lips that way that made me feel special.

Maybe that’s what that was. She made me feel special. I had a good life, a great childhood. I don’t want to sound ungrateful for what my parents had done for me, but making me feel special wasn’t something they did. They provided for me and supported everything I went after, but it was no different than the support I’d get from any other adult. I made my first dollar at fourteen when I went and applied for my first job. I didn’t apply because I needed the money; I did it because I wanted to work. I wanted to have a purpose, and it’s a decision I would never regret because that job is what allowed me to do what I love doing.

My father helped out and loaned me the money to help Mr. Allen. It wasn’t like he just wrote me a check, though. We had a long talk and he spent a few days thinking about it. He made me sign a contract and told me to treat it as if it were a business transaction, because that’s what it was. And when I succeeded and had success at that, he continued to treat it as a business transaction. He never once told me how proud he was of me. He took the money I owed him, plus the interest, and that was the end of it.

Gabi went on and on about how proud she was of me. She let me know as often as she could everything she thought about me. And I told her, too. It only took three months for me to tell her that I loved her. It took her an extra week before she said it back; that was the longest week of my young life. But she said it back, and all was right with the world. She made me wait until we had been together for eight months before she had sex with me for the first time. It wasn’t just the first time we had sex together, but it was the first time she had ever had sex. And knowing she was giving that part of herself to me was a feeling unlike any other. It wasn’t my first time, but with as awkward and nervous as I was, it very well could have been. But things got better, as they always do. We ended up having regular sex for months until my world came crashing down for the first time.

My grandmother, who meant the absolute world to me, died of a stroke. She practically raised me since my parents were workaholics and rarely gave me the time of day. The majority of my childhood had my Grans in it. She was my everything, and I was hers. But I woke up one morning, got ready for school, and found out during breakfast when the phone rang. It had been the worst day of my life. I climbed back into bed, still clothed for school, and hid beneath the covers for the remainder of the day. Gabi came over after school and climbed in with me. We didn’t talk, we didn’t kiss or even have sex; we laid there in silence. She was the only one there for me.

I remembered fearing I would forget about Grans. I worried that I would forget her smile or her laugh or the way she smelled. And I guess I almost did forget some of those things, until Eden came into my life. The way she smelled was exactly how I remembered Grans smelling, and that only confused me more.

Gabi helped me get over that tragedy, but it didn’t take long before she was going through her own. It was the worst feeling in the world knowing something was going on with the one person in the world you loved more than anything, and you couldn’t do anything about it. I knew something was wrong with her, but she wouldn’t open up. Once she did, my world completely went dark. I had never felt so angry or helpless before in my life. I wanted to murder someone, and I probably would have if the authorities hadn’t stepped in. But things didn’t get easier until much later. There was a trial and depositions and testimony that pulled her under. I tried to be her rock and support her as best as I could, but she had gone too far under by that point. That was the first time I watched a piece of her die, and I think a piece of me died with her. It had taken over a year before she was finally normal again. And by normal, I mean she wasn’t depressed. At one point during the whole ordeal, she had to be on a suicide watch for three days in the hospital after taking an unknown amount of pills. I hated that more than anything, but I never left her side. I slept in the waiting room the entire time. No one else was there. Her mom, stepdad, and stepbrother never once made it there. I was the only one. That’s how it always was—just the two of us. I had her and she had me.

Things with her were better for years. She followed me to school, even though she didn’t attend herself. But we lived together and everything was great. She wasn’t the same as she was before everything happened, but she was a hell of a lot better. She smiled and laughed and had fun, but not like before. Her crying days seemed to have been over for the most part, however, her insecurities grew. That took some adjusting because I didn’t know how to handle it. I finally convinced her to go to the salon one day and get her hair done. She did and seemed to have felt better after that. I thought if she felt better, so would I, but that wasn’t the case. It turned out to cost me in the end because we had an argument a month later and she accused me of wanting to change her. Somehow, me wanting her to do something nice for herself in the hopes of making her feel better turned into me wanting to change her. That wasn’t my intent at all. I just wanted her to feel good about herself again. I knew after what she had gone through, she wouldn’t ever be the same, but that didn’t stop me from trying. It didn’t matter that the fucker was locked away for a long time and that his life would never be the same, hers wouldn’t either.

We finally moved back home after I graduated. Again, my parents came to the ceremony, but they treated me as if graduating was expected and not an accomplishment. Gabi didn’t act that way, though. That was all that mattered to me. She was proud of me and let me know it. We never discussed any plans of what would happen after I finished school; it was more or less assumed. She didn’t have anywhere to go and I never intended to stay away from home forever. It wasn’t that I didn’t want her to go back with me, but that was the first time I realized I felt an actual obligation to be with her.

We moved back home and I bought a condo immediately. She no longer spoke to her mom and my parents were always gone, so we needed a place of our own. We went looking and I bought the first place she fell in love with. It was nice, but I liked it more because she was so excited about it. I just wanted her to be happy. It didn’t matter what made me happy anymore; it was all about her. I wanted to give her everything. I would have given her the moon if it were possible. The way she lit up at the condo and the view of the gulf put a smile on my face. When I took her furniture shopping, I let her pick out everything. The entire place was hers and I didn’t mind one bit.

A few years after we moved back home, she found out about her stepdad dying. It was sudden and unexpected. He was out in the backyard, cutting the grass when he had a massive heart attack and died. Gabi’s mom took it hard and grew even more detached from reality. Gabi didn’t take the news of her stepdad or her mother’s breakdown well, which I didn’t fully understand since she didn’t like her mother very much and didn’t even speak about her stepdad at all prior to that. She hadn’t talked to her mom in years and it had been even longer since she had seen her. But it was still her mom, nonetheless, and I guess that kind of thing would have been hard no matter what kind of relationship they had. Things got even worse when it was discovered that her stepbrother had inherited everything, leaving her mom with nothing. Gabi battled with herself about what to do, but ultimately decided that it wasn’t her fight and let her mother deal with it alone. It wasn’t an easy decision to make and it caused her to fall into another depression. She felt responsible for her mother’s downward spiral and I began to worry that I would ever get her back. I worried that things would never be good between us again. The unhappier she became, the more I followed down the dark hole with her. But with time and therapy, she started to come back. She wasn’t the same as she was before, and it started to seem as if I lost more of her with each tragedy that happened around us. It was like I lost of myself each time as well. And every time, our relationship seemed darker and darker. Things just became even more unhappy no matter what I tried to do to fix it. I buried myself in work and gave her the space she needed, hoping things would turn around. Leaving her wasn’t an option, so that only left me staying and making the most of it.

She was back to being happy–or happier than what she was—in time for our eleventh anniversary. I always did something for her every year we had been together, so I had planned a cruise for us to go on. It was our first time setting sail on a ship that large and we had so much fun. It was like I had my old Gabriella back. She got dressed up for dinner and did her hair, and even put on a little makeup, even though she didn’t need it. I would always prefer Gabi natural, but she looked amazing regardless. On the night of the formal dinner, I had it all set up with the wait staff. I proposed at the table in the middle of the dining room. People clapped and cheered all the way around, and Gabi acted surprised, as if she had no idea it was coming. But she did. She actually picked out her ring ahead of time after letting me know we had been together for so long and she was starting to feel like I would never ask. I didn’t feel pressured at the time, but looking back, she was pretty much telling me to pop the question. She was right, though. We had been together for eleven years; there really was no reason for us to wait any longer.

We must have conceived that week on the cruise, which wouldn’t have been surprising since we spent most of the time in our suite. The following month, she informed me that she was pregnant. I would never forget that moment. I came home from work and found six positive pregnancy tests sitting on the counter in the bathroom in the shape of a heart. Time stood still for me. She was excited and I wanted to be as well, though I couldn’t help but to be terrified. I had just proposed to her and the next thing I knew, we were having a baby. It took me a day to be excited, and from then on, I was looking forward to it as much as she was. The night she woke up covered in her own blood took all of that excitement away from me. It also took the life and smile away from Gabi.

I removed my hands from my face and took in a deep breath. There really was no way to pinpoint when things had gone wrong. No matter how much I thought about things, I still couldn’t decipher when the turning point was. All I knew was that I lost a piece of her after every bad thing that had happened, and there was no way of getting that back. I had lost pieces of myself as well and never thought I’d see them again, until Eden. It didn’t matter how much I wanted our high school relationship back, it was never going to happen. And that’s when I realized something. I was holding on to those pieces of her that had long been gone. I was just waiting around for the impossible to happen.

My phone buzzed with an incoming text. I looked down and noticed it was from Eden. Her timing was impeccable. She simply asked if everything was okay. It may have been a simple question, but to me, it meant everything. Instead of responding, I stood up and headed for the door. I was going to see her. I no longer had to make the decision, Gabi made it for me.

I opened the door to leave but was stopped in my tracks. Across the hall, crouched next to her suitcase against the wall was Gabi.

Gabi picked her head up as soon as the door opened. She looked so tired and sad.

“I have nowhere to go,” she said in a depressed tone.

I didn’t say anything, only opened the door wide and helped her bring her suitcase in. She seemed defeated as she walked inside. I took her bag to the bedroom and put it on the bed before unzipping it and removing everything she haphazardly threw in it.

“Did you want me to leave?” I asked.

I waited nervously for her reply. After thinking she had left, I couldn’t deny the part of me that wanted her to say yes. I wanted her to tell me to leave, to give me permission to walk away. But the look on her face and the sound of her voice when I found her out in the hallway made me want to stay. The thought of leaving while she felt so down and looked so lost ate at me. I was literally at her mercy by that point.

She slowly shook her head. “No, that’s not fair for you. I wanted space and it would not be fair to ask you to leave.”

“If you want space, I’ll give you space. I can go crash on Eddy’s couch or something. I have somewhere to go if you want me to. I just need you to tell me what to do if you need space.”

“I don’t want space. I just want to make you happy again. I want to be the one you go on walks with down the beach and the one that makes you laugh. I’m so tired of being the one that pays you no attention when you come home. I don’t want that for you or for me. I want to be happy again, Dane. I’m just having a hard time. I don’t want you to find that with someone else. I want to give that to you,” she confessed as she started crying again.

I went to her and held her close.

“I’m so sorry, Dane. I’m sorry for everything,” she cried into my chest.

“I know, Gabi. We’ll get through this just like we’ve gotten through everything else.”

I didn’t know how I felt as I helped her put everything away where it belonged. I wanted to believe what I told her, I wanted desperately to believe we could get past it, but that didn’t stop the part of me that felt let down. I was on my way to Eden. I thought I had finally gotten my chance to see her, and I felt let down. It was unfair and selfish, but it was how I felt. It was probably the first time in my left I had wanted to be selfish. But I took the sight of Gabi in the hallway as a sign from above, letting me know that I couldn’t walk away. Maybe it was Grans. Maybe she was trying to tell me that all Eden was to me was a temptation, one that would ruin everything I had tried so hard to build. She was the apple in the garden. Or the snake on the tree. Either way, she was temptation.

Things were quiet and strained for the rest of the day. It was eerie in the condo as we went around and cleaned up the aftermath of Gabi’s anger. We passed each other in silence and shared awkward glances. After dinner, I took a shower and then climbed into bed while Gabi was in the bath. I didn’t know what to do about anything; all I knew was that I couldn’t handle the silence and tension that surrounded us.

Gabi came to bed and curled in close to me. She held on to my face until our lips were close, almost dancing around each other’s. I finally moved closer and connected our lips, hearing her suck in a breath. I hadn’t been expecting intimacy from her after the day we had, but I knew it was what she needed. Maybe it was what we both needed.

I leaned over her, my hands immediately going to her breasts as I kissed and licked my way down her throat. I had to be slow and gentle with her. I had to let her know I was praising her entire body. Things might have gotten bad between us lately, but I still knew her better than anyone else. And I knew that at that moment, she needed to be worshiped. She needed to feel special and believe that she meant everything to me. Regardless of how I felt, she still meant so much to me. She wore my ring and at one point in time, carried my child. No one else could have said those things. I just had to reconnect to that in my mind and then maybe I’d feel that way again. I had to rid Eden from my brain and focus back on what was really important, and that was Gabi.

Her feet came up to my hips and began to push my boxers down. I wanted to take things slow. I wanted to reconnect and find that emotional connection with her in order to try and rebuild what we had. She seemed to want things at a faster pace. She needed the physical connection. I didn’t know how it would work out. I feared that I’d give her the physical and lose out on the emotional, and that would only disconnect me even more from her. I didn’t want that. I honestly wanted to give it another try. I wanted to get back to where we once were. I needed to know that I had tried everything I could before giving up. But she didn’t want that.

She reached her hand between us and took hold of my shaft, and then used the tip to massage her clit. I used to love it when she did that, but this time felt different. It seemed too forced. I let her do it, though. I didn’t stop her. Nor did I stop her when she lined me up with her entrance and pushed forward, letting me meet her thrust with my own until I was fully inside of her. I tried slow. I tried calm, but she didn’t want any of that. Instead, she pushed me onto my back and began to ride me.

By that point, I had given up on slow and calm. I grabbed her bouncing tits hard and twisted her nipples as she grinded her pelvis into mine, searching for the friction on her clit. She reached around her and grabbed ahold of my balls, teasing them in her tiny hands. That really got me going. I took hold of her hip roughly with my hand, keeping the other on her large tit, and began to rock her back and forth. I felt her tightening around me and knew she was about to come. My feet pressed into the mattress and my hips bucked up, pressing into her as much as I possibly could.

She let out silent breaths of air as her body began to shudder. She tightened like a fist around my cock and I felt the buildup in front of my bladder. I knew I was close, but she was still on top of me, riding out her orgasm. I didn’t want to nut inside of her. It wasn’t like I thought she was doing it intentionally, but I still needed to be safe.

Her shudders and heaving breathing finally subsided and I grabbed her hips, lifting her off of me. What happened next completely surprised me. She scooted down toward my feet at the end of the bed and covered my dick with her mouth. I didn’t have a chance to show my surprise before I let out stream after stream of come to the back of her throat. I hadn’t had a mouth around my dick in so long I almost forgot what it was like. It was fucking amazing.

She swallowed with a smile and crawled back up my naked body until she reached my lips. Stupid fuckers that don’t kiss chicks after coming in their mouths are morons. Plain and simple. Knowing her mouth just made me feel that good made me want to shove my tongue down her throat. I guess I didn’t need slow and calm, I needed her to suck me off. It was amazing and I wanted nothing more than to hold her all fucking night after that. And I did.

Gabi was on a roll. She woke up with me the next morning and allowed me to bend her over in the shower. It didn’t mean I wasn’t still confused or that my thoughts weren’t jumbled in my head, but it did help me feel some sort of connection with her. Physical connection, but at least it was something. I’m a guy, give me sex and all my thoughts fly right out the window for the time being. It’s just how we work. I knew all of the confusion would come back, but at that moment, my mind was clear.

By time I walked into the office, my bag and shoes were sitting behind my desk. I checked Eden’s office but she wasn’t in there. Sudden panic came over me at the thought of her quitting. I didn’t want her to quit. I knew I didn’t need to be around her while my head was so fucked-up, but I certainly didn’t want her to quit. I was fucked. I wanted to be around her even though I knew I shouldn’t have been.

I wasn’t able to calm down until she walked into my office at exactly eight o’clock. I let out a breath I didn’t know I had been holding on to. It felt as if the air had been trapped in my lungs for the fifteen minutes I didn’t know where she was. She smiled and sat down in a chair in front of my desk. That’s when the confusion consumed me again. All of the thoughts that had been cleared away during my morning shower came rushing back to me with that one smile on her red lips. God, I fucking wanted her. I knew I shouldn’t, but it didn’t change how I felt. If she was so wrong for me, why the hell did I feel that way around her?

“Everything okay?” she asked.

“Yeah. Gabi saw us on the beach and flipped out.” I wasn’t sure why I was telling her that, but a simple yes sounded too cold. “She’s fine now, I guess.”

“Well, that’s good. I’m glad things are better for you now.”

I looked into her eyes, looking for something to tell me that she didn’t mean it. I didn’t want her to be happy that things with me and Gabi were fine. I wanted her to show that she was upset about that. But I didn’t see that there. She really was happy about it. I guess that was my answer.

“Yeah, I mean, they’re better sure, but I don’t know what’s going to happen.”

“I already told you, Dane, you need to figure it out.”

“I thought a lot yesterday about that.”

I wanted her to ask what I had thought about or what I had come up with, but she didn’t. All she said was, “that’s good.” It was like she had flipped a switch from the day before. I knew why she was acting that way, but that didn’t mean it didn’t bother me.

“So, where were you? I came in and my bag was here but you weren’t.”

“Just around talking to people.”

“Your mom?” I asked.

Her face fell and she shook her head slightly. “It feels strange to hear her be called that. She’s not my mom. My mom lives in California with my dad. This woman might have given birth to me, but she’s not my mom. I don’t even know who she is.”

“Have you told her yet?”

“And say what? ‘So I know you gave me up twenty-five years ago, but hi, I’m your daughter’? No. I can’t do that.”

“Do you know who your biological dad is? Have you found him?”

She shook her head again. “No, there wasn’t one listed on my birth certificate. The whole thing about my adoption is touchy, so that’s why I really don’t want to say anything to her. I don’t even know why I came here. I just wanted to meet her. I just wanted to get to know her. But now it seems ridiculous. It’s like I go to her and just start talking about stupid shit. I’m sure she looks at me and thinks I’m a weird stalker or something. I just don’t know how to act or what to say.”

“I’m sure she’d want to know that she gave you a good life no matter what the circumstances were that surrounded the adoption. I’m sure that decision wasn’t easy for her. I’m sure she did what she thought was best for you. And to see that you’ve turned out good and had a good life would be comforting to her.”

She shrugged and stood up to go back to her office.

“Why haven’t you told your parents about her?” I asked and she stopped.

She spun around and looked right at me before answering. “They wouldn’t understand. When I had started asking about my adoption, it took my mom six months to tell me why I was even put up for adoption in the first place. That’s all she told me. She never told me who she was or where she lived. I found all of that out myself while I was away in college. Then I just wanted to meet her and that’s how I came up with moving here at the last minute. I came here with nothing but the desire to meet my birth mother. Now that I have, I don’t know what to do about it.”

“But you’ve talked to her, right?”

“Like had a conversation with her? Yes,” she laughed. “It’s not like I just follow her around and creeper stare at her while she works. I have talked to her, but it’s weird. It’s like I don’t know what to say and she doesn’t know why I’m so interested in talking to her. I think I’m just going to give up. But I have a ton of work to do; thanks for listening.”

“Anytime. Please know that if you ever want to talk, I’m here.”

“Same goes for you.” She winked at me and then went into her office.

Eden was gone again for lunch and it ate at me again. Was she seeing her mom? Was she having lunch with Eddy? Was she even still seeing Eddy? Thinking of Eddy gave me an idea. While I ate at my desk, I picked up my phone and called my friend.

“I thought you disappeared,” he said as he answered the phone.

“Nah, just a lot going on. Thought I’d give you a call and see what was going on with you?”

I figured I’d have to small talk with him for a bit before leading into what I was really calling about. It would have been strange if the first thing out of my mouth was a question about Eden. I didn’t need to attract too much curiosity.