Beneath the Cracks (45 page)

"I see," Johnny said.

"He reminded me that I met Sully's nephew at
our wedding.  We spoke for less than a minute.  He shook
my hand, kissed my cheek and welcomed me to the family," I admitted
another tidbit of fact.  The memory of our wedding day flashed
unbidden before my eyes.

"We were in the receiving line, and I was
overwhelmed with the number of people there.  They were all
Rick's friends, his family.  I had no one."  Emotion
choked me for a moment, and my tears became a genuine reflection of
pain instead of anger and fear.  "Dad was all I had left, and
it wasn't…it wasn't possible to see him again.  Not if I
wanted a life, a future with the FBI."

"Did you want that life, Helen?"

"Yes.  Very much."

"When you got married, had the FBI already
vetted you for service?"

I nodded. 
That's right,
Johnny.  Follow the breadcrumbs.  Understand what those
sons of bitches really did to me.
  "Technically, I was
vetted before Rick and I were married.  David recruited me
before I finished my PhD."

"You were in demand by a lot of different
organizations."

Orion really had done his homework. 
Had he learned all of this in the few short days he was gone? 
"How did you know that?"

He shrugged.  "I did a little digging
after you came to Darkwater Bay.  I'm not sure if you're aware
of the fan club you've got out there, sweetheart.  You've
helped so many people."

"For my master's thesis, I wrote a monograph
that landed on David's desk.  It helped them nail down an
elusive pattern of a killer in California.  I got access to
the police files when they approached UCLA for a forensic
psychology consultation.  He contacted me, and kept in touch
after I started my PhD studies."

"Had you met Rick when the FBI started
courting you?"

"No," I whispered.

"Let me guess."

"You don't have to.  He never loved me,
Johnny.  I was young and studious and naïve and more than a
little brokenhearted after losing my father.  That monograph
got a lot of attention on the west coast."

"Datello targeted you, didn't he?"

"And then smugly walked up to me in the
receiving line at my wedding and welcomed me to
the
family
."  I pulled away from the comfort Johnny offered
and wept tears of shame and outrage. 

"When Rick reminded me that I met Datello,
told me that I was part of a grand plan I…I snapped."

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him
tense.  Johnny pressed one clenched fist to his lips.  I
soldiered on, committed to a lie from which there was no turning
back.  Would he believe me?

"I screamed at him, told him I hated him for
what he did to me.  How dare he act like the aggrieved husband
when I didn't support him but filed for divorce?  He had no
right to expect my support, not then, and certainly not now after
admitting that he never loved me.  He fought back.  He
told me that just because he didn't love me when we got married
didn't mean it hadn't developed later."

Johnny's hand fell away from his lips. 
His eyebrows rose. 
Didn't see this coming, did you
Mr.-Know-It-All?
  His attention was rapt.

"What happened next?"

"I told him I'd go to David and tell him
everything Rick had confessed to me, that the bureau would believe
me because of my service record, and the fact that I was going to
them the second I knew what not only he had done to me, but wanted
me to do with their evidence.

"That was when he pulled out the gun. 
He told me that he might as well kill himself if I wouldn't help
him, if he meant so little to me that I was willing to let Marcos
have him killed because of the missing money."

"Helen…did you fight for the gun?"

I shook my head.  "I…I did it,
Johnny.  I killed him."

Johnny's shoulders sagged.  "Tell
me."

"I told him that I wished he would kill
himself.  I said,
do everyone a favor and pull the
trigger.  Stick that gun in your mouth and do it!
"

"Baby…"

"He said,
what if it doesn't do the
job?  Where would your father put the gun if he was gonna kill
me, Helen?
  And God help me, I was so angry that I…I…"

"You killed him?"

"I told him to put it behind his ear and
pull the trigger."  My finger touched lightly behind my ear to
the area directly above the mastoid process where a bullet would
rip through the ear canal at an angle and directly into the
brain.  "I didn't think he'd do it, Johnny.  I figured a
man so selfish that he'd marry a woman he didn't love because his
criminal relatives told him to do it would never…"

The relief that radiated from Johnny
overwhelmed me with guilt.  One truth I'd spoken during my
creative edit of events was more an observation that Johnny Orion
was one of the good guys. 
If only
started haunting
me. 
If only
I'd met someone like Johnny before Rick
sunk his claws into me. 
If only
my little story had
more than a fleck of truth here and there.  
If
only
…

"Helen, you didn't kill him."  His arms
wound around me gently.  "Baby, it was suicide.  Did the
FBI even check for gunshot residue on his hands?"

"I panicked."

"The gun?"

I nodded.  "Why would they believe the
daughter of Wendell Eriksson?  Things had become so strained
after Rick's arrest anyway.  People couldn't believe I had no
idea what he was doing.  And…Johnny…I don't think they know he
was Datello's cousin, even now.  If they ever find out –"

"Shh," he soothed.  "Even if it comes
out now, it won't incriminate you.  The FBI is happy. 
They've got Sully Marcos.  His hands are far from clean,
Helen.  It might not be justice in the perfect sense, but it's
still the right thing.  With that much, I can agree and
sympathize with Wendell."

I let the story gel in my brain a little
longer, endured the sparks of shame his soothing hands elicited
with every soft stroke.  I'd dug myself into a hole but good,
at least for the time being, until my shoulder healed.  Then I
could quietly disappear.  Change my name.  Plastic
surgery.  Sex change if needed.  Anything to make sure
this never happened again.  In order for it to happen, Johnny
needed to be far away from me.  I wasn't sure how much more my
conscience could take.

"Helen?"

"I'm sorry, Johnny."

"There's something I need to tell you. 
Since I'm up to my eyeballs in this thing too."

I pulled away a second time. 
"What?  What else?"

"I went to see your father."

Outrage warred with the ache of long
separation, the need to hear anything about him, how he was faring
in prison.  Did he hate me for abandoning him?  Was he
well?  Had he been mistreated?  Was he old and
broken?

"Shh…"

Had I asked my questions?

Johnny thumbed new tears from my
cheeks.  "He's fine Helen.  I'm sure he's aged some, but
he's fine.  They keep him segregated –"

"Why did you do that?  Johnny, are you
insane?  They keep records of visitors in prison! 
They'll know you saw him.  They'll figure out what you
did!"

"He asked me to give you a message."

"What?  What did he tell you? 
No.  Don't tell me.  I can't hear this.  I can't
know this.  You have to leave.  I – I can't see you
again, Johnny.  It's not safe."

"Helen," he gripped my hand.  "All he
said was that he loves you and he's not sorry you walked away."

My body started shaking.  The words
were too much, the thought of my father rotting away in prison when
I had the means all along to prevent it from happening…and after so
many years, he didn't blame me for abandoning him. 
That
was the father I loved, idolized, should've moved
heaven and earth to protect. 

And now, because of Johnny's stupidity, I'd
probably never have the opportunity to right that wrong.  Any
tender emotion I'd felt for him started to whither and die. 
He reached for me again.  This time, I slapped the hand away
and shot off the sofa.  Adrenalin returned.  My voice
trembled along with the finger that pointed toward the door.

"Get out of my house."

"What?  Why?"

Good question.  My mind raced for an
answer that he'd believe without question. 

"I will not risk going through hell because
you dragged that monster into my life again.  I will not risk
prison because of an association with a cop who is
just as dirty
as Wendell was
.  I knew there had to be something wrong
with you.  That's all I attract,
scum
!"

"But you…you asked about him, Helen."

"Because I hoped he was dead!  I hope
he suffered and was broken and died alone the way he
deserved!"  Saying the words just about ripped my heart in
two.  Some lies should never be told.

Johnny's jaw dropped.  "But –"

"Get out.  You're just like he
is.  I despise you Johnny Orion.  If you want to arrest
me, go ahead.  I didn't kill Rick.  I might've known the
truth about what happened to him, and panicked enough to do
something stupid like dispose of the gun he used to kill himself,
but I never framed somebody else for murder."

"Franchetta, I'm sure courtesy of Danny
Datello, gave a false statement to your old pal Mark Seleeby from
the FBI, claiming to see you murder Rick.  Did you know that
Seleeby told Chris Darnell that Franchetta claims he saw you murder
Rick?" Orion snapped out of his state of shock and snarled at
me.  "What was I supposed to do?  Sit back and wait for
somebody to frame
you
?  Because that's exactly what
happened, Helen."

"David was right.  Franchetta would've
never made a credible witness a prosecutor would've put on the
stand to testify against me or anybody else.  Not when there
wasn't a shred of hard evidence against me."

"You're being as rash right now as you've
accused me of being.  Helen, don't do this."

"It's already done."  I pointed to the
door.  "Leave now, Johnny, or so help me God, I'll call David
this second and tell him what you did.  My mistakes were
stupid, but they weren't criminal.  Don't expect me to believe
that explosion at Sully Marcos' waste processing plant was an
accident."

"Unbelievable.  Now you're defending
something like a financial loss to the man who ruined your
life?"

"You could've killed someone!"

"The place is practically automated. 
Nobody was there."

"Unfortunately, the law doesn't see it that
way."

Johnny shook his head.  "If you had
told me the truth, none of this would've happened, Helen.  I
understand why you're upset.  Take some time.  Enjoy the
fact that nobody's going to come knocking on the door about what
happened to Rick.  When you've calmed down and thought about
this, you know where to find me."

I watched him leave and wondered what I
could do to hasten my recovery.  One thing was certain. 
There was no way in hell I could stick around and wait for this
tenuous house of cards to collapse.

And if one thing was certain, it was the
fact that now Johnny Orion and I were
both
living on
borrowed time.  Whether he intended to do it or not, his
actions shattered the upright façade I've struggled so hard to
maintain.  He exposed the monster, the evil within me that
lies beneath the cracks.  How much longer would it be before
the rest of the world glimpsed the real Helen Eriksson, the one
that no amount of denial could hide?

I couldn't let that happen.  Active
avoidance is a girl's best friend.  So began another delusion.
 I could vanish in plain sight.  And when my wounds
healed, the disappearance would be literal.  What other choice
did I have?  The truth must be hidden at all costs, if there
was any hope for a future that let me start over somewhere else as
some
one
else. 

It was an odd moment for Jerry Lowe's
warning to ricochet through my mind.
Some secrets aren't meant
to remain buried... 
Then again, maybe it was
prophetic.