Beneath the Badge (First Responders) (8 page)

“Maybe I want you to know now.”

Her heart hammered against her ribs. She wasn’t ready for this. This felt like relationship stuff. Besides, if he confided in her, she was involved. Responsible, somehow, for making it all right. She didn’t want that…

“Does it have something to do with your dream?” she asked, barely above a whisper.

His gaze delved deeper into hers for several seconds. “It does. Which surprises me. I thought I’d be able to leave it behind when I came here.”

“Nothing ever gets completely left behind. Believe me, I know.”

“It was the puppy mill that did it,” he said, seemingly unaware of her inner turmoil. “It took me by surprise, really. I’m a cop. I deal with stuff a lot worse. Or at least I did. It’s been pretty quiet since I moved here. Traffic violations, the odd break and enter or possession charge. So I wasn’t prepared.”

“The dogs?” she asked. Granted, she’d spent a lot of time angry at the abuse humans doled out to their
pets
. Her heart had always been soft that way. Animals couldn’t speak for themselves, so they needed someone to speak for them. Especially when an owner broke trust and didn’t care for them as they deserved.

Which was why she insisted on her clinic helping the local shelters.

“They were so sad, Lindsay. So beaten. Defeated. It made me angry. And it scared me, because I’ve seen that look before.”

He rolled to his back and stared at the ceiling. “I’ve tried to forget it. God knows, I’ve tried. It’s why I took this job in the first place. No stress. No…darkness. But it’s everywhere I go.”

“What about a psych evaluation?” She puckered her brows. “I don’t know what happened, but you always hear about cops having to go to counselling after something traumatic.” As long as he talked to anyone but her. She wasn’t prepared to play therapist.

He nodded a little. “Just because someone can check all the right boxes doesn’t mean that things stay in those boxes all the time. There are some things I can’t forget. Things I don’t want to forget. It seems, I don’t know, disloyal to think of letting it go.”

“Letting what go?”

He sighed. “Can you come a little closer? Let me hold you. I think I’d feel better with you close to me.”

She scooted over until she was wrapped in his warm arms, one strong leg draped possessively over hers. “That’s better,” he murmured.

It was, which was surprising in itself.

“You know I did some time undercover. There’s an underbelly to crime that’s not pretty and definitely not glamorous. One of my assignments I was under for over a year.”

“Was it dangerous?”

He let out a dry laugh. “Just being in the same breathing space with those people was dangerous. If I’d been made, I’m pretty sure no one would have ever found the body.”

She shuddered, feeling suddenly cold despite the warm summer breeze floating in through the window. “Then why do it?”

“Because someone has to. Because if I didn’t someone else’s body would be missing for sure. This particular ring was into everything. Guns, drugs, human trafficking, each leveraging the other to make it work. I did pretty well dealing with the weapons and drugs, but it was the girls that got to me. Most of them didn’t even speak English. Some were runaways off the street. And I couldn’t do a damn thing about it.”

He went quiet suddenly, and very still. Lindsay took shallow breaths as she waited to see if he would go on, or if that was it. All he could say.

“This case…this guy…he’s a monster. We were so close to being able to make an arrest when I discovered the cages. There were girls inside. He was keeping them in cages like animals. They were cramped and dirty and the smell…”

She heard him swallow.

“There was one woman. Helen. She’d been working for this guy for a while, but she was foolish. She’d tried to cheat him and she wasn’t good at it. I made her promise that if she ever needed help, she would come to me and I’d do what I could. When she disappeared I figured he’d had her killed. I felt terrible about it, but nowhere near like I did when I realized she was alive and in one of those cages. I promised her I would get her out of there.”

Lindsay swallowed. He had cared about this woman. On one level it was hard to imagine, left her wondering who exactly Matt Parker was, this was so far removed from the life she knew and understood. On another level though, she was starting to see that beneath the smiling, charming exterior was a man who was capable of deep compassion. Who tried to distance himself from his emotions perhaps as much as she did.

“What happened to her?”

“I knew I had to get her out and yet I didn’t see how without blowing my cover. My God, Linds. I’ll see her eyes until my dying day. No human, no creature, deserves to be mistreated that way. When I saw those dogs, weak, dirty, defeated…it all came rushing back. It made me so angry. I kept my cool through the whole day. It helped when I saw the good you were doing and knowing they were going to make it. And taking time to breathe and feed the puppies. If I hadn’t, I might have lost my cool and done something stupid. It was good, because then the price was paid by my knuckles and my heavy bag which is a far more beneficial expenditure of energy.”

“And me.”

“What?” She tilted her chin to look in his eyes. “The heavy bag and me, remember. That night was…”

She looked away as her stomach twisted. What if he had been thinking about this Helen woman while he was with her? How humiliating.

“That night was awesome. You reminded me of something that night, Lindsay.”

“Of her?”

He pulled back a little and put a finger under her chin. “No. Of what it feels like to be alive.”

He leaned closer and kissed her, softly, tenderly. “I’d forgotten what that was like,” he confessed. “Until you.”

She suspected that hearing such a thing would melt most women’s hearts. And she would also admit—to herself—that she was definitely feeling a little warm and soft and the biggest surprise of all—happy.

Until you.

She closed her eyes as another voice echoed in her head.
“I was so lonely until you came… Things were fine until you left. You’re going to leave me just like your mother did… Why can’t you stay? I’m happy when you’re here.”

The translation of that was, of course, that her father had been happy as long as she was doing whatever he wanted. And when she didn’t bow to his every demand, he was unhappy and she was to blame. Sometimes he’d go days without leaving the house. Or he’d appear perfectly fine on the outside while the inside held a deceptive ugliness.

The first rebellious thing she’d ever done in her life was become a veterinarian. And oh, how her father still liked to ask when she was going to be a
real
doctor. She’d never apologized for making the right choice. She’d chosen happiness for herself and didn’t regret it for a moment. And if at times since then she’d allowed herself to be a little impulsive, she figured she’d earned it.

But caring for Matt too much was just about the worst thing she could do.

She was still scrambling to come up with a suitable response when she looked over at Matt. He’d fallen back asleep, his lashes peaceful on his cheeks as his breathing evened out. Maybe it was true what they said—confession was good for the soul.

Not for her though. As the night melted away into dawn, she remained awake at his side. There were moments when they were together that felt so very right it was mind-blowing. But then there was always the realization that Matt came with baggage—maybe even more baggage than she did. And he needed someone who was prepared to deal with that. She wasn’t. She’d maxed out her ability to heal and repair and make everything all right. That particular well had run dry.

And so, as the sun came up, she slipped out of bed and into her robe. Then she went to the kitchen and prepared to explain to him why they couldn’t see each other again.

Chapter Five

The coffee was brewed and Lindsay made eggs simply to keep her hands busy. She whipped them mercilessly, poured them into a hot pan and the liquid popped and sizzled in the butter. She needed to explain to Matt but it didn’t mean she wanted them to part as enemies. It wasn’t like that. It was simply that being with him was too much. She had been right the very first night. He was complicated. She was really doing them both a kindness in the end.

The first slices of toast were coming out of the toaster when he shuffled into the kitchen, dressed in jeans and pulling his T-shirt over his head. “Morning,” he said softly, and he came to her side and pressed a kiss to her temple. She stayed at the stove, spatula in hand, props to keep her from turning into his embrace. With a frown, he backed off. “Hey, are you okay?”

She smiled. “Of course. Can you get the jam out of the fridge? The first of the toast is up.”

He dug out the jam and put it on the counter. “You didn’t have to make me breakfast. I would have taken you out. Treated you to crepes or something at Cora’s.”

Butterflies fluttered around in her stomach. She was so nervous and didn’t understand why. It wasn’t like this had been a long-term relationship or was even a breakup. They’d had a few dinners. They’d slept together and it had been fun. But there was no commitment. No emotional confessions of love.

So why was she so scared?

She grabbed a mug, poured coffee and handed it to him before reaching for a plate. “I don’t mind. Besides, we need to talk.”

His expression turned wary. “We do?”

She nodded, turning away and making a show of scooping eggs onto the plate.

“This is about what I told you last night,” he said, his voice cautious with a dark note of warning below the surface.

“No. Well, yes, but not necessarily in the way you think.”

“What other way is there?”

She put down the plate. “What ever happened to Helen, Matt?”

He met her gaze, the coffee cup forgotten in his hand. “She died.” His voice caught on the last syllable. “I got there too late.”

“And the case?”

“It goes to trial next month.”

“I see.”

“Is that what this is about, Lindsay? The danger of my job? The dark side of what I do? It’s a lot for someone to handle. I get that.”

She could take the easy way out and just say yes. But it wasn’t as simple as the danger or so-called dark side. “It’s not really that. I mean it is, but not in the way that you mean. I’m glad you do what you do. It’s important and it’s got to be very, very difficult.”

“Then what is it?”

She went to him, her throat tightening with the words she knew she had to say. “It’s what it does to you in here,” she whispered, putting her hand over his heart. “It’s the damage it causes. A man like you needs a woman who can make it better at the end of the day, who can put the pieces of you back together so you can go out there again. And that woman isn’t me, Matt. I don’t have it in me.”

“You already make it better at the end of my day,” he said, trying out a cheeky grin. It was meant to lighten the mood but it fell flat, because she was absolutely serious and he needed to see that.

“Eventually it would have to be about more than stopping by after work for a
therapy session
. You’re high-maintenance, Matt. I’m not up for it. It takes an emotional energy I just don’t have. It would probably be better if we just end it right now before we really get started.”

For a moment, she thought he actually looked hurt by her pronouncement. Then he covered it with a mask of indifference. “With all you do in your line of work, the time you donate, the causes you believe in…I never for one minute thought you were a coward. Until now.”

She nodded vigorously. “That’s right. I admit it one hundred percent. I’m a coward. I’ve been there, Matt. I’ve tried my best to be all the king’s horses and men, you know? But sometimes you just can’t put all the pieces back together. And trying over and over again is exhausting.”

He stepped forward and put his hand along her cheek. “Who?” he asked quietly. “Who broke your heart, Linds? Who took away your faith in yourself?”

She pulled away from him. “I have faith in myself. I just know my limitations.”

She threw the toast on a separate plate. It was cold now and the thought of eating made her stomach turn curiously.

“Your limitations?” He shoved his hands in his pockets. “No one’s asking you to solve the problems of the world, you know.”

“The only problems I solve are my own. That’s a choice I made long ago. If you’re expecting more from me than that, you’re going to be disappointed.”

He cocked his head to one side, examining her. She squirmed beneath his intense gaze but made herself stand her ground. She didn’t know how to make things better for him. And she didn’t want to try and then fail.

“Someone along the way made you feel it was your job to make everything right. If it wasn’t a boyfriend, who was it? Your mother? Girls always have problems with their mothers.”

Resentment that he’d try to analyze her burned through her veins. “You’re way off. My mother died when I was eight. I barely remember her.”

Now that was a bald-faced lie. Of course she remembered her. The soft, sweet-smelling hair, the expressive eyes, the faraway look she got so often. She understood that look now. Understood it and hated it.