Beneath His Darkness (Healing Hearts #3) (21 page)

I couldn’t go to her place either because being alone with her felt too confining.  Knowing I planned to tell her even one memory from my childhood had me on edge and I was afraid of how I would behave around her.  I was afraid my mood would be too brooding.

I know she wanted to keep up our normal movie nights.  I’ve missed them too, and I can’t explain how much that scares me.  I shouldn’t want her in my life the way I do.  She’s a distraction.  I haven’t even stalked Tucker in weeks.  My plan hasn’t been the first thought when I wake up and it should be.

When I see Tucker, the same burning hatred is there.  My desire to burn his life to the ground hasn’t dissipated any, so I ask myself, over and over, why aren’t you out there gathering intel on him?  And the answer is always the same.  I’m distracted by Cammie.  The only part of my plan I’ve stuck to involves Davyd and Melanie and that’s because Davyd won’t let me walk away.  That son of a bitch has me by my balls and he continues to squeeze harder the longer he holds on.

I need to get my head back in the game, whether Cammie is in my life or not.  Her compassionate ways can’t stop me from being the person I am any longer.

A soft knock comes from behind me and I know I’m out of time.  I scan my apartment one last time before heading toward the door.  Wiping my hands, now sweaty from nervousness, on my pants, I crack the door open.

Holy shit!  She’s stunning and she looks…confused. 
Maybe because you haven’t opened the door all the way, dumbass.

I quickly pull forth a smile to put her at ease, but I can’t stop my eyes from traveling her body.  You’d think it was the middle of summer with the dress and sandals she has on, instead of the beginning of fall.  She has no idea how perfect her attire is, though.

I’m happy to shock her when I ask her to remove her sandals and close her eyes.  I love that her fiery side comes out and she tries to defy me at first.  It’s only for a second.  Her curiosity wins over her need to be in control.  Seeing her close her eyes and offer her hand to me, allowing me control…fuck.  It makes me want to rip her dress off, right here in the hallway, and fuck her senseless.  I don’t give two shits if my neighbors could walk out at any second.

She has me tied up in knots and I desperately need some unwinding.

Her hand in mine brings me a peace I didn’t know I was capable of feeling.  I have to take a second before I can place my other hand to the small of her back.  I don’t know how I stop the growl I feel rising from my chest or the word ‘mine’ that rushes to the front of my brain.  Dammit!

Get to the surprise, Grant.  Get through tonight and then you can go back to tormenting Tucker.  All with be right in your world again.  You just have to get through tonight.

I stop in front of the divide between my kitchen and living room.  Although it’s one large, open space, there’s a step down into the living room.  I worry that maybe I’ve made the wrong decision in doing this.  Maybe I should turn her around and head back to the door…

but, how would I explain that?

Gathering my balls, I open my mouth and with strength I don’t feel, I say, “Okay, buttercup.  You can open your eyes now.”

How slowly she opens her eyes is torture.  It’s almost as if she thinks I’m playing a prank on her.  I can see why she would worry about that, since our friendship can get playful, which is still weird for me.  She brings me so far out of my comfort zone, I often wonder who the hell I am.

Her eyes grow wide and mist over, but a smile springs to her face before she brings her hand up to cover her mouth.  A whispered, “What did you do?” slips from her lips and I don’t know whether I should flinch or stand tall.  Instead, I stay still, our hands still locked and my other hand on her back.

The minute she stands there feels like hours.  I so badly want to ask her what she’s thinking, but I can’t force the words out.  Have I gone too far?  Her silence is wrecking me.

“Grant.” She speaks so softly, I wonder if it’s a trick of my ear.  I glance down at her and a part of me wishes I hadn’t.  My heart flip-flops at the adoration beaming back at me.  Shit!  I start to sweat.  I guess part of me knew this could happen—hell, I think part of me wanted it—but now that it has…fuck, I’m not ready.

“This is beyond words.  It’s…God…beautiful isn’t the right word.  I don’t know what to say.  Why?”

I have to look away from the questioning in her eyes.  The hope I also see is breaking me down.  I don’t know how to be the bastard I really am when I’m around her.  I don’t want to be that man around her.  Sometimes, I wish I never had to be away from her.  The person I am is going to hell one day.  I’ll burn for my sins and I don’t want to singe her along the way.

I stare at the silk buttercups covering my living room floor and try to think of what I’m going to say.  I had this all planned earlier.  Not just the flowers, but the red plaid blanket and picnic basket.  It’s all staged perfectly…well, except the flowers being silk.  I couldn’t find anywhere that could get me this quantity of real ones.

“Uh, how about we go sit down on the blanket and I’ll explain.”

I let go of her hand and offer to take her sandals.  Her grin only enhances the nerves already twisting around each other.  I’m not sure I can go through with this.

I watch Cammie sit in the middle of the blanket and run her hands over it.  “You coming?” she asks, reaching her hand out to me.

I nod, unable to find words.  I bend over and remove my sneakers and socks.  The first step onto the flowers makes me falter.  It’s uncanny how real the silk feels.  I try to stop the memories attempting to break through, but with the second step, both my feet sink into the softness.  Flowers popping up between my toes sends me spiraling into the past.

“Where’s my Grant?  Is he hiding again?”

I giggle, knowing Mommy will never find me.  I’m a good hider.  She says so.

“Grant, where are you?  My goodness, you hid extra well today.  I can’t find you anywhere.”

I giggle again.  I love when Mommy looks for me.

“Okay, baby.  I give up.  Come on out.  I have a special day planned for us.”

“Boo!” I shout as I jump out from behind Daddy’s big chair.

“Ooh, you scared me.”

We both laugh and I can’t stop jumping around.  Mommy says we’re doing something special.

“What are we doing, Mommy?”

“It’s a surprise and we’re going to be in the car for a while.  Can you go get some stuff to keep you busy?”

I don’t even answer her.  I’m too excited to start our adventure.  That’s what Mommy calls them when we drive in the car.  I run to my room and grab my car bag.  As fast as I can, like Superman fast, maybe even Flash fast, I grab two coloring books and crayons, some books, and my superheroes.  I don’t go anywhere without them.

I zip up the bag and run back to find Mommy.  She’s in the kitchen putting food in this funny looking thing that kind of looks like a box, but it has handles like the girly thing mommy carries with her when we go places.  I know it’s girly because Daddy told me so when I was playing with it one day.

“Are you ready, my little adventurer?”

“I am!  I am!  Can we go now?”

“Of course we can.”  She smiles at me and ruffles my hair.

She helps me get buckled in the car.  I’m so excited, I can’t stop moving long enough to focus on my seatbelt.  I want to know where we’re going, but Mommy never tells me.  Our adventures are always a surprise.

The car ride is taking forever.  I color so many pictures, my fingers hurt.  Mommy says I only colored five, but I don’t think she counts right.  I don’t want to look at my books or play superheroes anymore.  I’m hungry and I already had my snack.  I want out of the car.  If she says we’ll be there soon, one more time, I’m going to cry.

I don’t want to cry.  It makes Mommy sad when I do.  But I feel like crying.  I’m tired.

“We’re here, baby.”

“Yay!  Can I get out?”  I’m already unbuckled and reaching for the handle.  Her laughter reaches me in the backseat.

“Of course you can.  Let’s go explore.”

I step from the car and all I see is yellow everywhere.  Did the sun fall to the ground?  I start running, wanting to touch the sun.  I want to see how warm it will be.  As I get closer, green merges with the yellow and I slow down.

I’m sad.  I wanted to touch the sun.

I stop running and wait for Mommy.

“What’s wrong, baby?”  She reaches down and grabs my hand.  Together, we walk into the middle of the field of yellow.  They are flowers.  I can see that now.

Why did Mommy bring me here?  I’m a boy.  Boys don’t play with flowers.

We stop walking and she lets go of my hand.  I watch her take a blanket from under her arm and fling it into the air.  It unfolds and looks like a superhero cape flying in the wind.  That makes me smile.  She brings it down to the ground and puts the funny box with the food on it.

She pats her hand on the blanket.  I know what that means.  I go and sit down.  She takes out a peanut butter and raspberry jelly sandwich—my favorite—and puts it in front of me.  Some of the kids at Kindergarten pick on me because I don’t like fluff, but I think it’s yucky.  She gives me an apple juice box and some grapes, too.  I know if I eat all this, she’ll give me a not healthy snack.  I always eat my lunch so I can get the snack.

“I thought we were going on an adventure?”  I’m mad at her for bringing me here.  This place is not fun.

“We are.  You’ll see.  Do you know what all these yellow flowers are?” she asks.

I shake my head.  Aren’t flowers just flowers?

She smiles again.  “These are my favorite flowers.  They’re called buttercups.  For many years, people have told the story that if you pick a buttercup, stick it under someone’s chin, and it turns yellow, then they like butter.”

“That’s silly, Mommy.  You always tell me you have to eat food to know if you like it.”

She laughs.  “I think it’s silly, too, but I think something else about them.  They are such a beautiful yellow and so bright, they make me think of the sunniest day.  Whenever I see buttercups, I smile.  I think we should start our own story, Grant.”

“I like stories.”

“I know you do, baby.  I think if I pick a buttercup, put it under your chin, and your chin turns yellow, then that means you love to play in the sunshine.  It also means the buttercups give you permission to take your socks and shoes off and run through them.  How’s that sound for our story?”

“I like that better than the butter story, but wouldn’t we have to call them sunshine cups?”

“We can call them whatever you want.”  She bends forward and places a kiss on my head.  “Eat your lunch and then we’ll put our feet in the flowers.”

I pick up my sandwich and take a bite.  I’m starting to like this adventure.

“Grant, are you okay?  Grant?”

I shake my head, trying to rid the memory from my mind.  It’s been so long since I’ve allowed myself to think anything good of Gloria.

“Yeah, sorry.  Just revisited my past for a second.”

She looks at me confused and I imagine she is.  I never talk about my life, not even little quips like the one I just made.  Today will be all new territory for us.

I sit down next to Cammie and offer her a reassuring smile and pat on the leg.  Maybe it’s to reassure myself.  I’m not a hundred percent sure what I’m doing.

Instead of speaking, I open the picnic basket and start pulling out dinner.  I feel like a fool feeding her peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with grapes and juice boxes, but it felt important to recreate the memory from my past when I saw how homesick she was.  Now, I’m wondering whether I’m going to make her feel worse.

“Grant, what is all this?” she asks, reaching out and touching my arm.

I take a deep breath before I can say anything.  “I needed to do something for you after I saw how upset you were over missing your family.”

Her mouth forms a small ‘O’ and I can’t stop the warmth that spreads through my chest at seeing her surprise.  It means so much to me that she doesn’t expect anything from anyone and she’s so damn grateful when you put forth even the smallest gesture.

“I-I don’t know what to say,” she stutters out.  “This is so gorgeous.”

“I’m glad you like it.  You’ve told me a lot about your parents and I thought maybe the best way to help you feel less homesick was to share a piece of my past with you.”

She shakes her head at me and closes her eyes.  She looks pained and I’m not sure what I’ve done wrong.  When she opens them, there’s an uneasiness there I’m not used to having directed at me.

“You didn’t have to do this…you don’t have to relive anything.  Not for me.  I don’t expect that from you.  We can just eat the food and…”

I place my fingers over her lips.  I adore her heart and how she’s trying to protect me, but I need to give this to her.  She’s always giving herself to me and I hold back.  Now that I think about it, I’m not giving her that much with the little I’m telling her today.

“I’ve never talked about my past with anyone, buttercup, and I’m not sure I ever would have had you not pushed for us to be friends.  It’s not easy to be friends with me.  I know that.  I don’t know how to trust or open up, but I want to start today.”

She stops trying to fight my fingers against her mouth and nods.  I drop my hand and we start to eat.  While we eat, I replay my earlier memory to her.  She listens intently and her smile grows bigger as I tell her about the attitude I had before my feet finally touched the flowers.  This is one of my happiest memories and Gloria repeated it every year from the time I was five until I was ten.  She would have liked to continue the tradition longer, but I felt I was too big to do something so babyish.