Beloved Pilgrim (5 page)

At the banquet following the ceremony, the
baron presented his new wife with rich gifts. He gave her bolts of
fine soft wool in rich colors he said came from Flanders. He leaned
to clasp a necklace of pale matched pearls around her throat and
paused to look into her eyes as he withdrew. Hesitating, he leaned
in again and gave her a kiss on her lips. She looked up at his
eyes, her own round and disbelieving, while her fingers went to her
lips.

He chuckled. "There will be many more and
better to come, little wench. We have a dynasty to maintain."

Their wedding night was a formality. The two
were conducted to a bedchamber where they were toasted. The company
put them to bed together, fully clothed. They were allowed to
remain thus overnight, but with a watchful maid and the candles
burning. Elisabeth noted Reinhardt's resentful glare at Sigismund
before the man left them alone.

Not long after and in spite of their watcher,
Reinhardt arose and took off all but his shirt and britches. He
gave her a grim look. "I am not going to be miserable all night.
You do as you please."

She was frozen where she lay on the far side
of the bed. "Suit yourself," her husband shrugged. He slipped under
the covers and rolled onto his side to look at her. His head
propped on his arm, he said, "I hope you will not be this frigid
when we can truly become man and wife." He chuckled at her
horrified look. "It does not matter. You are my wife, not my leman.
You are for bearing children. You do not have to enjoy the act of
begetting them. In fact, better you do not. I may like a wanton in
my bed, but I do not want that wanton to be my wife."

He reached his other arm and put his hand on
her breast. He stroked her up and down, all the way to her belly.
She tensed and stared at him, afraid that he was going to do what
he wanted in spite of his promise to her parents. The fear gave an
edge to another feeling she was having. She felt tingly wherever he
stroked. He chuckled as she started to fidget and laughed aloud
when she made an incoherent protest and reached out and shoved him
roughly away with the heels of her palms.

"You swine!" she spat at him. "Marta, get my
father!"

"If she goes to get your father, that will
leave us alone. Are you sure you want that? Maybe you do." He
started to lean over her again.

Elisabeth managed an elbow into his solar
plexus. He jumped back with a gasp. "My God, you pack a punch,
girl!"

Marta was rising, making distressed noises,
and turning to the door.

"Don't bother, bitch," Reinhardt said. "I'll
leave her alone." He turned over and put his back to the seething
girl. He leaned to say over his shoulder, "For now." He chuckled
again, punched his pillow, and laid down his head.

Marta, wringing her hands, looked to
Elisabeth. After a few moments, the girl nodded. "It's all right."
She felt under her own pillow for her eating knife. She would not
sleep a wink this night, waiting for Reinhardt to try something
else. She sat up, putting the pillow behind her back, crossed her
arms and glared at the man. Even when he was obviously asleep, she
kept her watch.

"I am sorry you are not leaving with my party
as I invited," the baron said flatly to Sigismund as he stepped
onto the mounting block and mounted his horse.

As the baron and his party rode out of the
gates, Elisabeth raised her eyes to watch them disappear. Elias
stepped up to her side and put his arm around her shoulders. He
whispered, "I never thought I would say this, but if one Saracen
gets through our lines with his sword, I hope he makes one
Christian kill."

Elisabeth let out a most unladylike
snort.

Adalberta took to her bed that same night.
She protested vainly that she was simply tired, but Sigismund's
eyes as he watched her revealed deep concern.

Elias and Albrecht also watched, knowing that
with each passing month their chance to go on pilgrimage to
Jerusalem was slipping away.

As the weakness did not abate and his wife
found it harder and harder to hide that she was in pain, his eyes
grew haunted. He chided himself for his delay in leaving on
crusade. If he had gone early, he might have been at the Church of
the Holy Sepulcher by now, praying fervently for his wife's
recovery. It was thanks to his inexcusable delay that she now lay
dying, moaning in pain, gasping with the agony.

Left to themselves the twins and their
constant companion guiltily fled the manor to get away from the
moans and cries and the helpless look on their father's face. They
redoubled their practice at arms, and Elias forced the weapon
master to teach his sister what he had taught him. When the man
protested to Sigismund, the distracted lord just waved him away.
"Do what the boy says. Just leave me alone."

One morning, the three made their way to
Magdalena's isolated cottage, and Elisabeth begged her to come back
to the manor and help her mother. She refused. "Oh my dear one, you
know I cannot. I made a solemn vow never to leave this place."

Looking quickly at Elias Elisabeth urged,
"Can we not bring Mother here?"

Her brother, whose eyes showed the weariness
of lack of hope, shook his head. "Do you really want her to go
through the pain of being brought here?"

Seeing Albrecht reach to put his hand on
Elias's arm, Elisabeth's desperation turned into anger and
resentment. "Oh, you two! Can't you keep your hands off each
other?"

The shock showing on all three faces brought
Elisabeth back to herself. "Oh, my dears, I am so sorry. I just . .
. I don't know." She stood, covering her mouth with her hand. With
a sob she dashed away.

"Let her go," the older woman said as Elias
started to go after her.

He slowly turned and looked at her. "Does she
know? About Albrecht and me?" At the woman's grave nod, he
subsided. "How?" he asked.

"Does that matter?" the woman asked.

Elias shrugged. "What . . . how . . . does
she feel? Does she hate me, us?"

"That is something you should speak with
Elisabeth about, but I do not think so. She is confused. She feels
like she has lost you, Elias."

He looked up sharply. "My love for Albrecht
does not lessen my love for her!" he said firmly.

The woman smiled wanly. "You need to tell her
that, show her that. Especially now with your mother dying."

The tall young man slumped, his face growing
miserable and the tears starting to course down his cheeks.
Albrecht put his arms tight around him. Elias started to sob as
Albrecht held him.

They found Elisabeth in the practice yard
swinging a sword with all her might.

"Leave me with her, won't you, my love?"
Elias said quietly to Albrecht, who nodded, squeezed his arm and,
head bowed, walked away.

Her brother watched her, seeing no let-up in
the ferocity of her swings. "Elli!" he finally called. She did not
stop, so he shouted, "Elli, hold!"

The young woman slowed her swings until her
arms drooped at her sides, the sword point touching the dirt. She
breathed heavily, the breaths coming out more and more like sobs.
Elias advanced gradually to stand before her. "Is it safe?" he
asked with his joking grin.

She looked up into his face, her eyes wide.
"Oh you," she spat and shoved him in the chest with the heel of one
hand.

"Apparently not!" her brother said as he
pretended her shove almost knocked him off his feet. He held out
his arms, and Elisabeth resignedly walked into them.

Shushing her as he pressed her face into his
shoulder, he wrapped his arms around her. "Elli, what I feel for
Albrecht has nothing to do with how I feel for you. You are my
sister, my twin. We are almost not two different people. You must
know that." He felt her hesitant nod against the side of his neck.
"I love you, Elli, more than I can say."

Her muffled words were nevertheless clear
enough to him. "I love you too, Elias. I-I just do not understand.
How did it happen?"

He sighed and shrugged. "I do not really
know. It just did."

Looking up from his shoulder with red and
puffy eyes, she asked, "When?"

He wiped a tear from her cheek. "When
what?"

"When did you know . . . about loving
Albrecht, I mean?"

He shrugged again. "Almost as soon as he came
to live here, I suppose. I did not understand what I was feeling at
first. I think he knew before I did. It's . . . I can't explain. I
don't really want to explain." His cheeks burned with
embarrassment.

She put her palm to his reddening cheek.
"Shhh, shhh," she soothed. "You talked to Magdalena," she
stated.

Elias nodded. He gave a rough laugh. "I
thought I was going to burn in Hell for all eternity. She told us
love is love, that God is love, and all that. I couldn't believe
that the kind of love we had, the . . . well, the physical, cannot
be what she meant. It's one reason he and I wanted to go on the
crusade. The Holy Father said that everyone who made it to
Jerusalem would be forgiven all their sins, past, present and
future."

She peered into his face, curious. "So you
meant to keep . . . doing whatever with Albrecht, even
afterwards?"

The look in his eyes was poignant. "Elli, I
love him. I could never give him up. I would rather go to Hell."
His lips twisted in pain.

"You are not going to Hell. Or if you do,
then I will go there with you and Albrecht. I could not stand a God
who would punish my sweet, loving brother for just doing what feels
right to him."

Her gaze was so fierce Elias could not help
but grin and then laugh. "Oh, Elli, you are such a termagant. I
think they should send you on crusade. You would frighten the
unbelief out of all the heathens!"

She looked outraged for a moment, and then
her own face crumpled into laughter. "You go now and tell Albrecht
that as far as I am concerned, I have two brothers."

Elias feigned horror. "Oh no, that would be
incest on top of sodomy!"

Elisabeth stepped back and put her hands on
her hips. "Good thing there will probably be more crusades. You two
are going to need it!"

It took Adalberta over a year to die. At the
end of that hellish period Sigismund stayed in their chamber
sleeping on the floor by their bed, terrified that the last moment
would come when he was out. When they were present to see it, the
twins noted that a constant supply of strong drink went into the
room. They heard not only their mother's whimpering, but also their
father's frantic sobbing prayers.

Trying to ignore their feelings of guilt, the
twins and Albrecht stayed away from the manor as much as they could
manage to grasp what they could of life together. It would come as
a relief when the loving mother and beautiful woman they remembered
was finally out of pain and suffering. How Sigismund would take the
apotheosis they could not guess.

One chill evening as they sat frozen both in
body and spirit by the hall fire, the sounds abruptly stopped. The
three young people exchanged frightened looks. Elias started to
rise, but his sister put her hand on his arm. Moments later they
heard booted feet on the stairs.

Sigismund stood at the foot in the gloom. "I
could not stand it any more. She was in agony. I had to help her
out of it. God forgive me, I had to do it." He teetered backwards,
his back hitting the timber wall behind him. The three he spoke to
jumped to their feet and went to him. He waved them aside. "No,
leave me. Go to your mother's bedside. She is with God now. Now I
must go to church and try to make my peace with Him." He stumbled
to the door of the hall and clumsily pulled it open.

"Go watch him," Elias said to Albrecht. "Make
sure he doesn't harm himself."

The younger man looked into Elias's eyes.
Glancing quickly at Elisabeth, he nodded, then stepped forward and
put his arms around Elias. Elias stood still for a moment, then let
his own arms go around him. Elisabeth watched with envy, wishing
she had someone to hold her. She could hear Albrecht's weeping.

"Go," Elias repeated softly, and Albrecht
pulled himself away, spun and went out the door after the
knight.

The twins stood in the darkness gazing
mournfully into each other's eyes. He went to her and at last she
had the comforting embrace she needed. Arm in arm they ascended the
stairs to their parents' chambers where their mother lay, a
peaceful look on her face. The young people knelt at the bedside to
pray for their mother's soul and for forgiveness for their
father.

When he came back into the manor, Sigismund
briskly went about arranging for his wife's remains. He would not
speak to anyone except to give instructions. Even after her body
was removed to the church, he sat in a window embrasure, staring
out into some middle distance. He continued to drink enormous
amounts of wine, but when he emerged for any reason, he did not
seem drunk.

The twins could only wait and watch,
wondering what their father would do. Would he closet himself in
his chamber forever? Would he go mad and do violence to himself?
"He is too strong a man just to give up on life," Elias proclaimed.
"He will do something, go somewhere, I don't know."

The household waited with them, knowing that
in one way or another, all their lives would soon be irrevocably
altered.

Sigismund finally came out of his chamber one
day and sent for his steward and the captain of his household
knights and soldiers. Elisabeth stood in the corridor, her eyes
wide watching as he issued commands. He finally turned to her and
put his arms out. She slowly moved forward, then flung herself in
his arms. "I am going to Jerusalem," her father said.

He came to supper in the hall that night,
telling his son and daughter to sit on either side of him at the
high table. He waited until the repast was served to talk about his
plan.