Bellissimo Lotta (Beautiful Struggle): Companion Novel to Bellissimo Fortuna (The Family Trilogy Book 2) (23 page)

“I try. I went and talked to my grandparents and was pissed. I will never understand why she made the choices she did when it comes to her life and her mistakes. I know she gave birth to me, I know she loved me, and I have to focus on that because those other questions, I don’t have the answers to. I never understood the questions Bianca had, I just used to tell her to love her dad, be glad she still had those she loved. I was the outsider of the group, and years later I find I wasn’t so far removed from that life as I thought.”

“Do you know who your dad is?”

I shake my head. “I’m not sure he knows. Probably some low-life from her high school who bailed when she got pregnant. My grandparents said she tried the first months to be a mom, but she was too young.”

“She didn’t abandon you. Maybe her role changed, but you have to admit she was there for you, more than others have been. Sometimes when there is bad, we focus on the good. When we don’t have any good in our family, we create one that works for us. It’s all in how you want to perceive things.”

“When did you get so smart?”

“I would like to say it’s in the DNA, but that would be the biggest crock of shit ever spoken.” I chuckle, and it feels good after the heavy shit.

“So where do I go from here, Callie?”

“That’s the million dollar question. I honestly don’t know. Does she love you? She does. You were her first love; you’ll always be a part of her. Can she forgive you? I’m not sure. That’s a lot to take on after everything else. It wasn’t the act . . . we all know you’ve fucked other people; it was the reasoning behind it which makes that betrayal that much worse. I’m not going to sugarcoat it, you fucked up . . . huge. I don’t know what the end result will be, but if you mean everything you said, don’t give up until there is an end. If you have doubts, be her friend, and let her go.”

“I’m willing to keep fighting. She’s everything to me.”

“Just know if the time comes that you need to let her go for her, then promise me you will.”

“I can’t do that. I don’t believe we have an ending, so I can’t let her go.”

“Damn it, Dakota.”

I just shrug my shoulders and take her home. She won’t get that promise from me, I’ve spewed enough lies, and that’s one I’m not willing to give her.

The minute I heard my first love story, I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was. Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere. They’re in each other all along.

~Rumi

Chapter 21

Callie

Mindfucked. That’s how I feel while sorting through Dakota and Bianca’s shit. I’m conflicted. My protective nature wishes she could walk away and never allow him to hurt her again. My sentimental side knows he can make her happy. Everything I know has a conflict attached to it. I know he loves her, but he broke her. I know how badly he screwed up but it was done from a place of oblivion. I know it was a colossal mistake, but we’ve all made them. His intentions are pure.

I don’t feel like I can tell her to take a chance. I love Dakota, but he has to earn it or he has to be done. I can’t be the one to fix them. I won’t turn my back on either of them, but I hurt for both of them.

First loves
can
be the end all be all or a stepping stone for the next time . . . lessons are all valued, all learning experiences; some are learned the hard way, like Bianca and Dakota. Or sometimes you learn from other people’s experiences. I watched a loveless marriage and abuse every day. I swore I wouldn’t do that to myself, and I knew when I gave myself to Bronson I would give him every single fragment, there would be nothing left for me to take back. I had to take a leap of faith, blind trust, and that’s what love is. A lot of hope but a lot of devotion. He’s shown me so much more than I’ve ever given him, not without turbulence and learning how to walk the paths we’ve been put on, but it’s worked for us.

I don’t know if it can for them. I think with the right tools it could, but until she’s ready to take the chains off, the ones holding her back, they can’t get there. I have my own agenda . . . making her happy with herself, on her own. Once she accepts herself, she can find her future. With or without him. We’ll work on the present, leave the past, and tackle the unknown later.

I’m packing up boxes at the beach house; Bronson wasn’t playing in regards to us being together. We leave for Miami in a few days, and we’ve barely been back together a week, but in some ways we were never apart.

Blind faith
.

“Callie, what the hell are you packing? We still have the apartment and most of the stuff in Miami. All you need is yourself, our son, and some clothes.”

“Most of the stuff?”

“Some pictures and a few chairs were damaged.” He looks at everything but my face, avoiding this conversation. I have an idea what happened, but torturing him is entertaining.

“Was there a leak or something?”

“No, but whatever you want to replace we can.” He bends down to kiss my forehead, and I move back.

“Bronson Agosto, you better start talking.”

“There were a few mornings I lost my temper, may have done some shit while I was drinking. I’ll replace it all.”

“I don’t care about the stuff. I care that you felt like that. What is up with guys doing stupid shit when alcohol is involved?”

“What does that mean? That was my only crime, I swear.”

“Nothing.” I gave Dakota my word, and I won’t say anything. “I want to offer the house to Bianca since we’re moving. Give her some room and if your mom decides to move she won’t feel as guilty.”

He laughs. “Whatever you want. I don’t think Bianca will be here long, Dakota will rope her before long, and she’ll be in Miami. If my mom keeps giving us a hard time she’ll have no choice but to follow. All her kids will be there.”

I turn quickly so he can’t see my face. He has a perfect little fairytale built in his head, and he doesn’t realize how much has changed. It’s been in front of him for a year, but he was focused other places. “How’d you know I was the one for you?”

“Seriously?”

“Yes,
seriously
.”

“I can remember when we were kids, and I watched over you like I did Bianca, but it wasn’t the same. I hated when Bianca got hurt or was upset. But when you scraped a knee or cried, I had this feeling in my stomach, like a knot. It drove me crazy, and as stupid as it sounds I wanted to kick the tree’s ass for scraping your knee, or I wanted to be mean to the kid who upset you. It didn’t change, only got stronger. Your happiness became the highlight of my day. I knew I wanted a simple life, one that didn’t include the violence and greed we were surrounded by. You shared those values with me. I wanted you to have everything, experience life, and I wanted to be the one to give you that. Each cut your dad gave you, I wanted to stitch up. I wanted to absorb your pain as my own so you’d never know that. I just love you.”

I replay his words, comparing them to what I heard from Bianca . . . the difference isn’t there. Dakota loves Binks like Bronson loves me, and one thing that is guaranteed . . . if she succumbs to him, she’ll be adored. He made his mistakes, but he’s learned from them. “I love you. It’s just that simple.”

“Yeah, baby. Now when are we getting married?”

“Seriously?” I mock his tone from earlier.

“I still have your ring, I’m not sure I want that one back on your finger.”

“You won’t give me another ring. That’s mine.”

“Weren’t fond of it when you gave it back.”

“That’s not the ring’s fault. I’m serious Bronson, when we are ready for that, I want my ring back.”

“When we’re ready? Why aren’t we ready?”

“Let’s get to Miami and settle in. Get used to having Angelo as a family, and we’ll talk.”

“No, Callie. I want more kids, I want to do it the traditional route this time, and I’m not seeing the need to wait.”

“You’re not railroading me into this. I know it’s going to happen, but let’s take our time. Make sure the past is buried like we think it is.”

“Callie.” He’s losing his patience with me.

“Besides, I have a bet with your sister. Don’t you want to see her wrong for once? If I win she has to move to Miami.”

“You two are going to be the death of me.”

“No, when we have a little girl, she’ll be the death of you.” I wink. “Speaking of your sister, do you mind if I head over and see her?”

“No, go. I’ll take Angelo to the beach after his nap.”

I walk to him, and before I can go up on my toes to kiss him, he grabs my waist and lifts me up to the counter. Moving between my legs, he wraps his arms around me, snaking them up my back until his hands curl over my shoulders, and he gives me his mouth. Slow, sensual, his tongue gliding against mine making me lose myself in him all over again. He nips my bottom lip as he ends the kiss and places his lips on my neck, then my ear, “Tonight in bed I’ll remind you all over again the ways I love you.” When I feel his kiss at my temple I allow myself to close my eyes and breathe deeply.

“Deal. I hope you have a list, it could be a lengthy job.”

“My list is never-ending, Callie. Never. Fucking. Ending.” He helps me off the counter and swats my ass as I head towards the door.

I walk in the house and head to the backyard where I’m sure she’s soaking up the sun. I’m curious to see how her date went; we haven’t had any alone time.

“Hey, Binks.”

“Warden let you out?”

“Yes. Good behavior so I have some extra time in the yard today.”

“You totally bent over in the shower for those extra privileges didn’t you?”

I roll my eyes. “Do you really want to know?”

“Nope, I’m good. Almost vomited getting that last sentence out.” Serves her smart-ass right.

“So?” The suspense is killing me.

“What?” The slight tip of her lips tells me she is fucking with me.

“Binks, don’t try me. Spill it, or I’ll tell you how Bronson likes to use his tongue.”

“Fuck, okay. The date was good. Heath is good.”

“Just good?”

“Better than good, but I’m not sure how I feel about that. Graduation he sent me this,” she hands me the necklace she is wearing and I feel my breath catch, “then Dakota was there, and it was familiar.”

“Familiar isn’t always good.” Why the fuck did I just take a position against Dakota? I want them together . . . but her expression when she mentions Heath is new. It’s a good look on her.

“No, he made me remember the good. His words, his voice, his touch . . . it’s all I’ve known, all I’ve wanted. Heath, he makes me feel different. Not safe, but not in danger. Steady. With a bit of excitement. It’s all fucked up. I give up.”

“Close your eyes,” I tell her.

“Is it nap time?”

“Just one time can you not be so difficult?”

“Eyes closed, bossy.”

“Who do you see yourself with at the end of the day?”

“Myself.”

“Bianca I’m going to kick your ass. I meant do you see Dakota or Heath.”

“I don’t see either.”

“There’s your answer.”

“Can I open my eyes, I need to check your pupils to see what the hell you’re on for some crazy shit like that.”

“Yes.”

Her eyes fly open, “What was that?”

“It’s an exercise I learned while I was gone. It works for fear, confusion, pretty much anything. Closing your eyes puts a barrier up, kind of like wiping the slate clean, turning off your mind. If you’re scared you can do it and draw from a memory that makes you safe or happy. I wanted you to visualize your life, day to day. “

“And I was alone. Should I get a few cats and complete the cliché?”

“No, it just means that you aren’t ready. Not for what Dakota brings, or what Heath is promising. You need you, and that’s a good thing. Perfect, actually.”

“Okay, so what do I do in regards to the two alphas waiting to piss on my leg?”

“Nothing. You don’t have to cut yourself off from them, but don’t make them your main focus. Live your life, but on your terms. The answers will come.”

“Do I get a bill for this session, or do I get the family discount?”

“Smart ass. I do have something to offer you.”

“I know it’s not your virginity, so what?”

“God, Binks. I was going to see if you wanted the beach house. It’s small but perfect for you. And since your brother purchased it, the family discount applies. “

“Really? I knew the Miami move was happening, but I didn’t think it would happen without a ring on your finger.”

I groan, “You and your brother are going to be the death of me.” She giggles, not like she’s never heard that.

“I’d love it, Callie. It’s perfect. Now to find a job. Be a real grown up.”

“You’re going to be just fine, Bianca.” I finally feel it. She is stronger than I ever knew.

Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.

~Hermann Hesse