Bella's Christmas Bake Off (22 page)

She looked surprised at my new-found assertiveness, but I was a teacher, and used to organising other people – besides we were on my territory now – not Dovecote.

‘We’re not used to these kind of studios... we like things to be a little more... how shall I say it... luxurious,’ she sighed.

‘You can say it how you like but “luxuuuurious” is not on the menu at St Swithin’s,’ Beatrice piped up. Beatrice was apparently pandering to no one, she wasn’t being walked over by any of these TV bods – go Beatrice, I thought.

‘Oh I understand that entirely, Mrs Beatrice, but I like a little more warmth and glamour for my filming,’ Tim added.

‘And don’t you think them folk out there want a “little warmth and glamour” for their dinner?’ she said.

Tim raised his eyebrow, curled his lip and clapped his hands, ‘Chop chop ladies,’ he shouted before leaning into me and whispering, ‘that one’s going to be trouble.’

He tutted and pretended to study his running order, and Bella, who’d realised that threatening to leave wasn’t getting her any attention was now screaming because the water from the tap was ‘lukewarm’, not hot. Having remembered how she hated it when I was her ‘hand double’ at Dovecote I’d hoped she’d change her mind if she thought the show might go on without her. So far it looked like she was doing just that. Meanwhile I could hear Fliss’s booming voice all the way down the hall complaining to someone about the lack of alcohol in the building.

‘Oh but dahling, just a teensy weensy bottle of Scotch,’ she was saying in her girly voice.

‘Fliss, aren’t you supposed to be helping Sylvia with the tables?’ I boomed back. She leaped about three feet in the air and rushed off to help, which made me smile, she was a softie really for all her barking.

As for her drinking, given that some of the residents struggled with addictions there was no way we were going to bring her a ‘teensy weensy’ bit of anything that might cause problems. Sylvia told me that Beatrice had been forced to ban Cointreau-flavoured cream the previous year after Stanley deep-throated four cartons of it – straight. We were already skating on thin ice with this TV programme, without the potential carnage that would ensue if someone brought alcohol in. The result would probably be enough to get the channel taken off air.

Bella was now arguing with Tim, and instead of adding to the drama I simply took Bella aside and explained that there were no ‘hordes of helpers’ as Fliss had apparently promised her, nor would there be a delivery from various high-end kitchen equipment specialists. It was just us volunteers, a couple of ancient ovens and a lot of hard work.

‘Just accept it and get on with it Bella,’ I said, hoping her whingeing was a sign she’d changed her mind about quitting and would stay and present.

Bella looked like she was about to cry and I ushered her into Beatrice’s office, which was the only empty space I could find. I asked her to sit down and I leaned with my bottom on the desk as I did when I was tackling a particularly difficult pupil at school and spoke directly to her.

‘Look, Bella, you don’t understand what it means to have nothing, to be cold with no home and no family. These people have nothing, they are homeless. HOMELESS!’ I raised my voice and she looked shaken.

She lifted her hand up like it was all too painful to hear. ‘Stop it Ames...’

‘NO. I won’t, just because you don’t want to face some of the less beautiful things in the world. Not everyone’s Christmas is filled with vintage champagne and Portuguese bloody figs...’

‘I know... I know.’

‘You don’t – you haven’t got a clue, you have no idea how it feels to have nothing,’ I spat.

‘No... I get it. I get it more than you will ever know,’ she sighed, reaching her hand out to me, touching my arm. ‘Ames... coming here today has been terrible for me, and I can’t take the memories. I’ve lived in a place like this – I’ve walked miles all day, waiting for the shelter to open in the freezing cold. I was seven months pregnant before anyone helped me.’

‘Oh Bella, I had no idea you’d been homeless... and you were pregnant?’ My mind was fizzing now, so Bella hadn’t gone through with the abortion but what about the baby? But before I could gently broach the subject she started crying.

‘I know you think I judge people, Ames, but it’s all a front – I didn’t want to avoid this place because I hate these people; I just didn’t want to be reminded of the past. It was the hardest time of my life, I had nothing – no future, no family....’

‘Oh Bella, I had no idea, I wish you’d told me, I would have understood, this must be awful for you.’

‘The memories are flooding back, the cold, the hunger – you think I’ve always had it easy, but you don’t know everything about me like you think you do, Ames, she said sadly. ’

I nodded, she was right. I’d gone to Dovecote with so many preconceptions about Bella and her life only to discover I’d been wrong.

‘What happened to the baby, Bella?’ I asked, my voice cracking, not really wanting to know the awful truth.

‘I was rushed to hospital with pneumonia… they didn’t know if either of us would make it,’ she fought back tears. ‘She was born two months early, she was so tiny but just perfect. And then they had to take her away, she’d come too soon.’

‘Oh Bella,’ I didn’t know what to say.

‘She almost died, Ames, my little girl. But she was a fighter.’

‘Oh, she survived...?’

‘Yeah, and she’s the best thing that ever happened to me.’

She pointed through the glass and my eyes followed to where she was pointing. Crimson was hanging tinsel around the hallway and laughing with Maisie and I suddenly saw a young Bella in her smile.

‘Crimson’s your daughter?’ I couldn’t quite take it in.

Bella nodded. ‘Of course... I thought you knew, I was sure you’d guessed. Fliss says she’s the image of me.’

‘I didn’t notice, what with everything going on, but now you say it.’ In truth it was hard to tell because of all the piercings and the hair, but it was the smile that gave her away – and this was the first time, here at St Swithin’s, that I’d seen Crimson smile. ‘Why did you never tell me? I’d have helped if I could, you know that, Bella.’

‘Oh I don’t know, I hadn’t heard from you and it was all such a mess, Amy. Mum was furious, she drove me to the clinic but while she was parking the car I ran away. It was awful, I had no money, no friends and I couldn’t stay in town because I knew Mum would call the police and I thought perhaps they could force me to get rid of the baby. So I just walked and hitch-hiked, going from hostel to hostel, and then, I was taken to hospital with pneumonia and on Christmas Day 1991, I had Cressida. She was beautiful and someone finally loved me and I vowed I would be the mother I’d never had. I always said to myself that I wanted to be like your mum, Amy...’

I nodded, tears in my eyes at her revelation.

‘That was the day I met Fliss - she was with one of her celebrity clients filming a Christmas charity visit to the mum and baby ward. We got chatting and she felt sorry for me and said there was a room at hers – despite that exterior, she has a heart of... something,’ she laughed. ‘Anyway the rest is history as they say.’

‘But I don’t understand what happened with Cressida...? Why is she called Crimson?’

‘Oh she’s called Crimson because she said Cressida was too middle class and her boyfriend Steve called himself Ochre - they both wanted to be “avant garde”. She had Ochre and Crimson tattooed on her arm and she likes the name, so why not?’

‘So why is Cressy... Crimson... a secret? Surely you’re not still scared of what your Mum will do?’

‘No, Mum knows about Cressy, she’s met her a couple of times but Jean never was one for maternal bonding on any level. Cressy was four when I married Peter and Fliss had this plan to announce her to the world saying we had her before we were married but didn’t make it public until she was older because we didn’t want her chased by paparazzi or affected by fame. After the wedding we thought we could just do a few big stories about our secret love child and it would all be perfect.’

‘So why didn’t you?’

‘Well, once we were married things started to move quickly. Peter was an even bigger name and I was landed with my own prime time show. Consequently the press were all over us and it didn’t take Cressida’s so-called father long to realise that his ex, Bella Bradley, might be worth a few quid.’

‘Of course, Chris – I’d almost forgotten about his part in all this. Where was he when it was all happening?’ I said.

‘He’d been in prison for drugs-related stuff – he didn’t want me or Cressy but as soon as he came out and saw I was in the spotlight he called me threatening to take Cressy off me and sell his story to the press.’

‘Oh Bella, how awful.’

‘As Peter and I weren’t exactly the perfect married couple I was frightened Chris might actually find this out and get custody. My biggest fear was always that Cressy might be taken off me, so I just closed myself off from everyone... it was a scary time. Fliss paid him off and Chris left the country, but a couple of years ago I heard he was back, so Fliss said I must never to talk to anyone from my past. She’s been like a mother to me.’

I smiled, only Bella could see a mother’s love in this way – paid for. ‘So why didn’t you just “out” Cressida then, once Chris was out of the country?’

‘Chris may have been out of the country, but he owed people money and they wanted their pound of flesh, we had no way of knowing if Cressy would be safe. I was already a big star and it was too late to just leave and live in the highlands of Scotland, the press and whoever else would just follow us there. I wanted her protected from the press, and more than that I wanted to protect her from her dad and his lifestyle. Chris had been bad for me and he’d have been bad for her too.’

‘I can see that, you did the right thing, Bella,’ I said, understanding the maternal pride and love Bella had for her daughter.

‘The other issue was that Peter didn’t want to be committed forever to a child he hardly knew that wasn’t even his,’ Bella went on to say. ‘If our marriage broke up and a child was involved, he’d have been hounded and the press would have given him a terrible time for not seeing his daughter. Our marriage was about business, and I became quite paranoid and wanted Cressy protected from anything and everything. I didn’t even send her to school, she was home taught.’

As she talked, I just kept listening, growing more and more amazed that someone could live a life like hers, so full of secrets. Part of me admired Bella for what she’d been through to protect her daughter. Crimson wasn’t Bella’s lackey and she was with Bella because she wanted to be not because she had to be. It explained the time I heard them talking quietly together in the conservatory at Dovecote, and why Crimson was always around prepared to help Bella, from tweeting to tinsel – because she was her mum and she loved her. And watching Crimson come alive at St Swithin’s, helping out in the kitchen, almost smiling and suddenly interacting with everyone in a more positive way showed that Crimson’s indifference was actually just a front, to keep the world out... her default position in life.

‘I considered so many different ways of bringing Cressy “out” as you put it – Fliss did too and was coming up with more and more outrageous suggestions as to where the baby had come from – one being found in a bin – I ask you!’

I had to laugh. ‘That sounds like Fliss.’

She nodded. ‘Oh it was awful, Ames. If ever I needed a friend it was then, but Fliss wouldn’t allow me to contact anyone because the fewer people who knew the better, we couldn’t risk the secret getting out because we didn’t know if or when Chris would come back to the UK. We all had so much to hide and so much to lose. Stupid really... but the press were everywhere, like ants they’d climb the back of the house and peer in through windows. Peter and I appeared to have the perfect life – but that doesn’t make a good story – ha, if only they’d known... what a headline that would have been.’

‘But Crimson’s okay – and so are you, that’s the most important thing in all this.’

’Yes. I owe Fliss everything, there’s nothing that woman won’t do for her clients. Having said all that, we’re victims of our own success and now we’re on a merry-go-round we can’t get off. Peter has a million swooning female fans, and his own show on Discovery network and I’m... well I’m the Kitchen Goddess... yet we’re stuck in a loveless sham of a marriage. As for Cressida – by keeping her secret we protected her from scandal and being the subject of a million gossip columns, but I worry she’s missed out on real life.’

‘Yes, being a secret all these years might have had an effect on her self-esteem.’

‘Mmm, I worry about that too. She’s a brilliant artist and I think she needs to spread her wings, go to art college and find herself, but I think she’s scared to go out into the world.’

‘I’m not surprised; she’s spent the first twenty years holed up at Dovecote with you and she can’t leave you now.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Well, she told me – in her own way – as ‘Crimson the star researcher’ that she doesn’t want to leave you on your own.’

‘I need to talk to her, don’t I? She has to make her own way eventually, I guess. It’s just hard, you know, to let her go, especially after the start I had when I left home. ‘Yes...but you survived, and look how far you’ve come. All those years I blamed myself for you being forced to have an abortion...’

‘Oh Ames...’

‘Your mother has a lot to answer for,’ I sighed, ‘I called so many times but she said you didn’t want to speak to me.’

‘And all those years I thought you’d never even bothered to call... Having children changes you. Being a mother helped me to forgive my own mother. It’s only when you have a child of your own you really understand how hard it is.’

‘It’s so true – and you only ever begin to comprehend how much your parents love you when you love your own kids – it’s huge, breathtaking.’

‘I know, and whatever my mum did, I know in that cold black heart she loves me and I have to believe she was only doing what she thought best.’

‘Yes, in her own way she was just saving you from what she thought was a life with no future, but you are so strong, you fought tooth and nail for what you’ve got. And here’s me always thinking it was about luck and that your life was sprinkled with fairy dust,’ I sighed.