Being Magdalene (6 page)

THE FOLLOWING MORNING, ZILLAH
got herself up first again, dressed, then helped me. She didn’t chatter the way she’d done the day before. ‘What’s wrong, Zillah?’ I asked. ‘Are you wondering about Daniel and Miriam and Rebecca?’

She nodded. ‘Tell me about them. Tell me stories.’ Her voice dropped — we were only allowed to tell stories from the Bible.

I told her stories. I told her how Miriam put me to bed each night and how she drew pictures for me of the people at her school. I told her how Daniel was kind just like Abraham and Luke were, but he was much more serious.

‘Did Daniel say curse words too? When he got angry?’ She looked worried. Elder Stephen preached that cursing was a sure way to damnation.

I shook my head. ‘No. He never got angry either.’ An image of our brother’s face swam in my mind. ‘I think he was sad a lot. He didn’t smile very much.’

‘Was he sad like you’re sad?’ she asked. ‘Did he cry
and cry and be sad?’

‘No, Daniel never cried.’ I closed my eyes, striving not to cry right then. She was so little. She needed a strong, bold sister like Esther had been when she lived with us.

‘He isn’t sad in the photo. He’s smiling.’ She patted my shoulder. ‘It’s all right, Magdalene. He’s happy now. He wouldn’t be happy if he was burning in hell.’

I put a smile on my own face. ‘Yes. It was good to see the photo. Come on, we’d better go to breakfast.’ I gave her a clumsy hug. ‘I’ll tell you more tomorrow morning.’

Abraham and Luke were finishing their meal when we arrived in the kitchen. Abraham turned to Father. ‘You’re not making that kid go to school.’

‘It is the Rule, Abraham. And kindly speak in a seemly manner.’ Father didn’t look at him as he spoke.

My brother glared at him. I touched his arm with my bandaged hand and shook my head. ‘I’m … I am well enough, Abraham.’

‘Sure!’ He hit the table with the flat of his hand. ‘You’re a bundle of energy and no mistake. If you’ve got to go, I’ll drive you and I’ll collect you afterwards. You’re not walking one step further than you absolutely have to.’

Father looked up. ‘That is not necessary, Abraham.’

‘No?’ my brother said. ‘Too bad. It’s what’s going to happen.’

The two of them stared at each other. Zillah reached for my hand, taking hold of my wrist above the bandages, but Luke’s face stayed expressionless.
Abraham’s chin jutted out and his jaw was clenched tight. Father looked the same as always — holy and calm. After age-long seconds he was the first to speak. ‘I will not argue with you, my son. I beg you to pray for forgiveness for breaking the Rule about obedience.’

He stood up and left the room, and I prayed he hadn’t heard my brother’s furious reply:
You’ll be lucky!

Mother gave him a sharp look. ‘Remember the scripture, my son.
Obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord
. Magdalene, you especially must take these words into your heart.’

Would she care if she knew how her words hurt my heart?

School was a waste of time — even more of a waste of time than usual. Sister Leah came to the door when she heard the car. She watched the three of us get out. Luke and Zillah walked beside me, ready to help if I needed it.

Sister Leah wasn’t impressed. She got mad when I fumbled with my pen and couldn’t turn the pages by myself. ‘It is a sin to draw attention to yourself, Magdalene Pilgrim. I have no time for girls who faint and make a fuss.’

Perhaps something had shifted in my heart, for her words made me angry instead of ashamed. I stood up. ‘I will go and help Sister Anna with the juniors. It will be best to remove myself if looking at me is so painful for you.’

Zillah was delighted to see me, and Sister Anna was kind. ‘It is good to have you with us, Magdalene. I have been most concerned for you.’ She still looked worried but maybe there were other things to worry about as well.

How odd. Her kindness brought the tears, whereas Sister Leah’s scolding had only made me angry. She put her hands on my shoulders and studied my face, my bandaged hands. ‘You look weary unto death, dear child. Come with me.’ She led me to the back of the room where she pulled out a pile of little mattresses used by the young children when they grew tired. ‘Rest is a great healer. The Lord wants you to be well, but you must help Him out by being sensible.’

I didn’t tell her my father thought differently. I slept until she woke me at home time.

On Wednesday morning, Abraham was in the kitchen as usual. He hadn’t gone away in the night. He was still our brother.

He drove us to school and said, ‘I haven’t made up my mind yet, so don’t ask. Okay?’

I was strong enough to go to my own classroom and face Sister Leah, but instead I chose to go with Zillah so that I could lie on the mattresses and think. There was so much to try to understand. Father, the Rule, my life, Zillah, Abraham. Luke, who had discovered a Lord who was kind. Brother Jedidiah, who had taken his family away from the Faith and the Lord. What
was Neriah doing now? Was she worried about doom and damnation? Why were people still uneasy?

At break, I went to the tree with my friends. I’d forgotten they didn’t know how I’d hurt myself. Jemimah gestured at my bandaged hands. ‘Don’t worry. Curiosity won’t kill us. We’re just glad to see you’re well again.’

Carmel snorted. ‘Well-ish! You don’t look a bundle of energy, and that’s the truth, Magdalene Pilgrim.’

I would tell them what I could. ‘This is what happened. It’s weird, though, and I don’t understand, so it’s no use asking.’

Carmel said, ‘It’s okay, you don’t have to tell us anything.’

I shrugged. ‘Might as well. Everyone will be gossiping about the fainting and about these.’ I held up my bandaged hands.

‘They wouldn’t be talking about you if we were allowed to talk about … her,’ Jemimah said.

‘Do you know anything?’ I asked. ‘Why did they leave?’

She began picking at the bark on the tree trunk. ‘We don’t know a thing. Mother keeps crying when she thinks we’re not looking. Father goes around looking grim.’ She gave up on the bark. ‘I miss her and I’m going to pray for her. So there.’

‘Me too,’ I said. ‘She asked us to.’

‘All right,’ Carmel said. ‘I’ll pray, but you know what? Praying doesn’t make a scrap of difference.’ She looked at us, ready to fight, daring us to disagree.

‘Nothing makes any difference,’ I said. ‘We’re stuck
with the stupid Rule.’

‘I wish Father would take us out of the Faith too,’ Jemimah said. ‘But he won’t and I’ve lost my cousin for ever.’ She checked to make sure nobody was near enough to hear. None of us had ever spoken so sinfully, or been so
unseemly
.

Carmel said, ‘Shhh. Tell us about your hands. Quickly — break’s nearly over.’

I told them everything. When I got to the part about Abraham probably leaving the Faith, Carmel gasped and pressed her hands to her heart. I told them what the doctor said, and how Father didn’t take any notice of his instructions.

They were quiet for a while, then Carmel said, ‘But why did you do it? There’s got to be a reason. You don’t just go off your head for no reason!’

Jemimah winced at her harsh words but didn’t growl at her.

I shouldn’t tell them. It was a sin to speak of my lost brother and sisters. But Doctor Alex didn’t believe it was a sin. It seemed to me he believed Father was sinful
not
to speak of them.

I would speak of them. I would tell my friends. They had all been born in Nelson and didn’t know the history of my family. ‘When I was little, my sister Miriam was banished. Our leader said she was dead. I believed I’d killed her. A few weeks later, my brother Daniel and our cousin Esther were banished. The Elders said they were dead and damned. I thought Abraham would die too.’

Jemimah said, ‘You’ve lost
two
sisters and a brother?’

‘Yes. And a cousin. We lost Esther too. Elder Stephen doesn’t like us. It’s because of our lost ones.’ There wasn’t time to tell them about the article in the paper.

Carmel snorted. ‘I don’t think so! Not when he’s banished ten of his own kids.’

‘You’re joking!’ I stared at her. ‘You’re not joking, are you? Ten? For real?’

‘Break’s over. Come on.’ Jemimah jumped to her feet. She was frightened — what if Elder Stephen found out we’d spoken of his banished children?

‘Ten,’ Carmel said. ‘Don’t fuss, Jemimah! We’re not going to tell him we’ve spoken of this.’ She let Jemimah go ahead, then asked, ‘Is Abraham picking you up today?’

My head was still reeling from the bombshell she’d dropped. It took a moment to focus on her question. ‘Yes — but, Carmel, it’s no use giving your heart to him. He’s not interested in marriage.’

‘Well, that’s good,’ she said, ‘because, by the time I’m old enough, he’ll be wanting a wife. And I’ll be a good one, Magdalene. I really will.’

I shook my head. ‘Please! Don’t do it.’ She would, though, that was very plain to see. I wished I could tell her more — that Abraham didn’t take a lot of notice of the Rule, and would rather have a wife who laughed with him than one who kept the Rule.

I was glad to go back to Sister Anna and Zillah. Ten children banished. Carmel. Abraham. Doctor Alex. Neriah. The Rule. There was too much in my head. I lay down on the mattresses and slept.

At lunchtime, Mother said, ‘Girls, we will leave for the Circle of Fellowship at one-thirty. Make sure you are ready and tidy.’

I’d forgotten it was a Circle day. I couldn’t face it.

‘Mother, I do not think I can walk to Sister Beulah’s house today.’ Sister Beulah would ask questions about why I’d fainted. She’d insist on knowing why my hands were bandaged.

Mother pressed her lips together in a thin line, but perhaps she saw the truth of it for she said, ‘very well. Just this once. No, Zillah, you may not stay with your sister. Magdalene, you will spend the afternoon studying your Bible.’

I slept for the entire afternoon and, miraculously, Father let me go to bed that evening when Zillah did.

On Thursday I woke up feeling better, almost back to normal — and still Abraham hadn’t run away in the night.

Father said, ‘You are looking well again, Magdalene. The Lord be praised.’

‘Not well enough to walk to the bus,’ Abraham said. ‘I’m driving you again.’

Father didn’t argue.

Rachel and Hope were there when we got home. Hope came running to hug us, and Rachel kissed Zillah and me. ‘It is good to see you looking so much better, Magdalene.’

I didn’t want to talk about myself. I gestured at her stomach. ‘The baby is growing.’ I longed to ask her
how it got born, how a baby knew when to grow in a woman’s stomach.

She smiled, knowing full well what was in my mind. ‘Your questions will all be answered when the time is right.’

I couldn’t help it. I muttered, ‘You used to want to know too.’

‘Dearest Magdalene, the Rule is not easy for children. But trust in it. You will understand more once you are married.’ She stroked her hand across my head the way she used to before she became a wife and mother. The gesture used to comfort me but now it was irritating. I’d been wondering if we should show her the photograph of our brother and sisters, but I could see now how stupid that would be. She’d almost certainly tell Father about it.