Being Kendra (20 page)

I know a lot of celebrities will only wear clothes that they endorse or only drink a water that they advertise for, but I can’t get caught up in that stuff. If I get a pair of jeans and I like the way they fit and look, I’m going to wear them. If the company profits from it, good for them! Same goes with my kid. He needs toys and clothes and baby stuff—if someone’s going to send them and I don’t have to go to the store to buy them, all the better. Anything that saves a little time and effort is fine by me!

T
he last two years have been a wild ride. I feel more at peace with my life now than I ever have—and it took a lot to get here. I remember the struggles, and I try not to take anything for granted. I am in a loving marriage, so I have to nurture our relationship and appreciate my husband. I have a precocious, beautiful son, so I have to kiss him twice before bed and do everything in my power to give him the best life I can. And I have a wonderful career full of opportunities I never dreamed of, so I try to find new challenges and new ways to connect to my fans.

In the past two years, more than ever, women come up to me and say, “Kendra, I’m worried my man may cheat on me. How can we keep our men from cheating on us?” Here’s what I always say to people: You can’t.

Hank and I talk about infidelity several times a year. It’s not something to hide; we are very open about everything. Life is going to go in directions you can’t control and people are going to do whatever it is they want to do to try to have a life that is happy. The news of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s infidelities came out this year. He had several mistresses, had fathered a love child, and had just been an outright ass to his wife and family. So Hank and I talked about it. We’ve always had these big chats, whether it’s about Tiger Woods or Sandra Bullock and Jesse James; these are really important things to talk about in a marriage. If you are in a marriage and you see the Tiger Woods scandal breaking, you need to talk about it with your spouse. Because that guy was supposed to be one of the good ones, the role model, but it’s obvious he wasn’t.

Hank knows I will never cheat. I consider him the one and only man for me, ever. But it’s very possible that that type of idea existed in Sandra and Jesse’s relationship or Maria and Arnold’s relationship too. You never know.

So one day while the baby was napping, right after the news of Arnold’s infidelity broke, Hank and I were in the kitchen and I asked if we could talk. And I said, “Did you hear about Arnold Schwarzenegger? Well, he cheated on his wife; he actually fathered another child with the woman he cheated with. She was his housekeeper, and Maria Shriver and his family didn’t know about it.” It was all just breaking on the news and I follow all of this stuff way more than Hank, so he just looked at me stunned. The idea of him cheating with someone in their house really angered me. I told Hank, a bit agitated, “Now you know why I don’t let any stranger in my house. Now you know why I don’t trust anybody.” I limit the people I allow in our lives in this day and age. I don’t trust anyone. It’s not that I think Hank is going to knock up the housekeeper or I’m going to have an affair with the plumber, but I just don’t want random people around in our lives. Chalk that up to my paranoia, but my friends and confidants are who I let in. I don’t need anyone else.

I felt bad because I was basically implying that I didn’t trust Hank, which isn’t true. I completely trust him. Hank replied, “Well, what about me? You don’t trust me? You don’t want people in the house because you don’t trust what could happen?” Infidelity and cheating is not a fun thing to talk about for a married couple. But I think it’s important and I like to get it all out in the open and reassure myself. It’s not that I’m accusing him of anything or that I’m admitting to anything. On the contrary, I just want to make sure we talk about it. It’s dominating the entertainment world right now, couples splitting, families getting ripped apart, cheating scandals, so I just want to make sure we talk about how that makes us feel and our relationship. I don’t want to ignore it. I always ask Hank why these men can’t just divorce their wives. I don’t understand why it’s so important to stay in your marriage while fucking your housekeeper or the nanny.

When kids are involved that’s when I get pissed off. Those children now have a tarnished image of what marriage should be, but even worse, who their father is.

It sucks for the good guys like Hank. They never get shown in the limelight; only the bad guys get reported on. Right now because of guys like Arnold and Tiger, every good man is being questioned. Hank says the most beautiful things to me and treats me like a princess. And while I’m not questioning him, it’s very possible that what he says to me and does for me was said and done by Arnold to Maria. Someone like Tiger Woods, who we thought was the iconic good guy and family man, probably said the exact same thing that every good guy says to his wife.

What Hank and I ultimately came to understand from the Arnold conversation is that you can’t control what another person is going to do. Maybe they don’t get the sex they want, maybe they have a fetish—they’re into housekeepers or tattoos or prostitutes. When that fetish hits you’re not going to be able to control it. That one split second that the guy (or woman for that matter) acts upon it, it’s over. Because it’s something deeper than that one second. Yes, they are acting on it then, but they’ve obviously got it in their head that they need to do this, and you can’t stop that.

Thank God my husband’s fetish is me. I’m not being cocky about it, I just know it. I text him hot and sexy pictures of me all the time and he gets so worked up over it. I want to be the French maid for him, the stripper, the tattooed girl. Whatever he wants, I want to be his fetish. And I don’t do it so that I can keep him satisfied in order to prevent him from cheating. I do it because I genuinely love him and want to have fun with him.

Hank’s gone a lot for football, sometimes weeks or months at a time. So we are separated for extended periods, and it’s not easy. Crazy things happen when husbands and wives are away from each other. Everyone’s heard the horror stories of what happens on movie sets between costars. But I won’t let it happen. I constantly remind him of what he has at home. And I do that with video Skype.

We never plan our Skype sex sessions; it’s always spontaneous. When Hank’s away he’ll be working out all day or playing football or hurt or tired, or maybe I spent all day taking care of the baby, so we just never know if we’re going to both be in the mood. So our intentions are usually just to chat, but with us you never know where it might lead. Talking turns into flirting, which can turn into a little striptease, and then there’s a spark and
bam
! All clothes are off.

Skype sex is like a fantasy, in a way. I love looking at my screen and seeing my husband but getting the chance to pretend whatever I want. For Hank, it’s like watching porn, starring me!

I try to surprise Hank and keep him guessing. Sometimes Hank will log in and I’ll be wearing a little skirt or a sports bra. Or I’ll do part schoolgirl and part cheerleader and then do tiny little things like lifting up the skirt or flashing him my boobs real quick. Or sometimes I’ll text him and say, “Let’s Skype,” and he’ll turn it on and my bare ass cheeks will be right there staring him in the face.

It’s to keep us connected when we’re apart and that much more excited for when we actually do get to see each other, which can be a day, a week, or a month away. It makes us think about each other. Foreplay starts weeks before sex. For us, Skype is the ultimate foreplay.

There are lots of ways you can go about it to satisfy both of your needs. But the whole experience can be bittersweet because while you’re kind of together, you’re not actually together.

A
s you can see, Hank and I don’t do much by the book. When Hank Jr. was born, we had a lot to learn about being parents. It all seemed to happen so fast—and, of course, on-camera. I tried a “fake it till you make it” attitude and followed my basic motherly instincts to figure it all out. It wasn’t perfect, but our experiences as a family over the last two years have been perfectly us.

Most happily married couples live under the same roof. For the first two years of our marriage, Hank and I didn’t even come close to that; we spent most of the time on opposite sides of the country. Most couples wait until they get back to their honeymoon suite to get it on after the wedding, and as you know from
Sliding
into
Home,
we didn’t even make it out of the limo before that happened. Most married couples wait until six weeks after birth to start having sex, Hank and I lasted thirty days. We don’t follow rules—other than no cheating and no texting and driving. We make up our own as we go. And when it comes to parenting, we found our way by going off instincts and intuition. It’s not always smooth and it’s not always successful, but ultimately, we’re raising a pretty happy, pretty healthy kid.

Being a parent has transformed me in every way possible. And perhaps most surprisingly, it has made me be more social. I admit I don’t have
that
many close friends, but ever since we moved into our new Calabasas neighborhood, I’ve definitely made more of an effort.

Being a mom introduced me to a different side of friendship, based on sharing experiences, hopes and dreams, and, of course, fears. I didn’t meet a lot of real friends in the ten years I spent hanging out in strip clubs and nightclubs. I trusted very few people and as a result had only a few confidants. But it’s so much easier when your common interests are being moms instead of partying in the same circle. I met this mom at the park in my new neighborhood and we started talking because we were both there with our kids. That’s all it took! You’ve got a kid, I’ve got a kid, we are both here watching them go down the slide, let’s talk! None of these moms in a million years would have approached me without baby Hank. Being a mom has opened me up to a whole world of friends and experiences I would otherwise have been closed off to.

As soon as I moved in, I became good friends with my neighbor. She has a little girl who is about three years old, and Hank Jr. just adores her (I mean, she feeds him grapes—what more could a guy ask for?). We get together and talk and talk. And what I love about her is that, like me, she doesn’t let the “mom” label define her. We’ll have a glass of wine (or two) while we’re sitting in the backyard watching the kids. We don’t talk about diapers and creams and rashes, we talk about tanning and fashion and the news. We don’t limit ourselves to just talking about raising our kids. I’m sure a lot of moms, like me, once had a wild life full of boys, booze, and late-night bashes. Now, like me, it’s cribs, crying, and hopefully a cocktail here and there. Because I never want to totally give up who I am and where I’ve been.

Kicking back with my neighbor and a glass of Pinot Grigio, all I can do is smile at how far I’ve come. I used to think all that mattered was my body, my looks, partying, and feeling good for the moment. Boy was I wrong. The less I pay attention to those things, the happier I feel. I’ve redefined myself. People actually come up to me and say, “Kendra, I just wanna say I’m a huge fan and I think you are an amazing mom and inspiration to us all for how far you’ve come.” Yes! That’s a far cry from being asked to sign girls’ boobs with a Sharpie or posing with my lips on some drunken businessman’s cheek for $20 a photo. I got to where I am because I embraced my new role as a mom. And now that I’m finally settling into that role, I can sit back and have some wine. I can fit into my tight jeans again, and who knows, maybe I will take it all off again. But only if I want to.

I know I can’t keep reenacting my life forever. This show will end, and at some point (very soon) we want to have another baby. I think we are done after two—I love the balance that we have now. It’s so easy to be able to hand Hank Jr. off to Dad when I need to, and vice versa. With two kids, that’s just not a possibility. We want to be able to raise our kids and have time to go to the lake and fish. Right now we are planning on two kids and closing the shop. Then again, who knows how I’ll feel after we are a family of four. And, hey, accidents happen—just ask Hank Jr.!

It took a few years and a few battles, both internal and external, but I’m finally comfortable with my life, crazy as it may be. Every day I strive to keep the balance between what baby Hank needs from me as a mom and what Hank needs from me as a wife. But right now, I’m enjoying the busy life—scheduling playdates and photo shoots, filming Hank Jr.’s first words and my workout videos—and I try to savor every moment.

At some point I’m going to have to slow down. I don’t believe you can successfully raise two children while working as hard as Hank and I do, especially if we want to be the ones raising our kids and not leaving it to a group of nannies. I know Hank will finish up his football career one day and he’ll have to figure out what he wants to do. For me, it’s just a matter of if and when I pull the plug on letting the cameras film me. I love to work, but maybe it’s in a different capacity.

I have a lot of interests and I hope to find something that I’m good at after
Kendra
runs its course. I might enjoy going behind the camera or out in the field and working on something like a cop show. I would like to start a production company. Everything in my life is natural and organic (except my boobs) and I want to keep living life like that and take each opportunity as it comes. Right now my job is being me, my talent is being a wife and mother, and my goals are trying to keep it all in balance.

It’s hard to think about what my life will be like as we get older. But one question I am always asked is “How are you going to explain to your kid what you’ve done in your lifetime?” Yes, after stripping, being Hugh Hefner’s girlfriend, and having a sex tape, I will have to explain to Hank Jr. what Mommy did before he was born, and because she was famous there were consequences. I’m sure a lot of people videotape themselves having sex with someone. It happens. But not everyone becomes famous years later and then has it released. I’m not going to tell Hank Jr. it was a mistake. I don’t believe in mistakes. I’m not going to shove it in his face and say, “Mom dated Hugh Hefner and shared a bed with a lot of different girlfriends,” but I will tell him what was going on in my life at that time. In this day and age, he’s going to find out sooner or later, and I’m not sure if I should bring it up myself or wait for him to ask questions. I’ll just do what I’ve always done and trust my instincts.

These instincts led us to our dream house in Calabasas, now my safe haven in the world. Baby Hank has his own room, and I have my own bathtub, both of which are really important to me. I’ve realized that not being in a stable, secure home was the root of a lot of problems when I was pregnant and just after Hank was born. I didn’t know where I was going or where I belonged. Of course, there were other forces at work, but I’d like to think it would have been a lot easier to manage if I had been home in a nice cozy house with my husband and other supporting characters. It’s like when psychologists ask a child to draw a picture and everything on the paper is floating—that’s probably what my drawing would have been like. Nothing was grounded. It’s impossible to make the right decisions and live a proper life when everything is in limbo.

There’s another side to it, of course. As much as I appreciate putting down roots, there was a part of me that loved the freedom and excitement of moving around. It’s an adrenaline rush, moving all over the country. Finally, for the first time in forever, I’m sitting on my couch, in my house with my family, and all I can think about is: “Maybe we should move into a different place.” Crazy! I know at the end of the day we bought baby Hank’s home. That’s all that matters. Unfortunately, not staying still is in my blood. I often feel like life is over if you stay still; I can’t accomplish anything sitting in my living room. Getting up and leaving has always been the best move for me. Whether it was getting out of the house at age eighteen, getting out of the mansion, or leaving Minnesota after a total meltdown—leaving and finding a new chapter always works for me.

Of course, I’ve never really had it this good before. And for the first time, I’m thinking about staying.