Being Jamie Baker (10 page)

“Please?” he begged.

“Fine,” I said as I pushed him back toward his car, “but not here.” And once again I gave in to Ryan Miller.

* * * * *

I used to wish on stars that one day I’d be able to escape the tiny hick town I grew up in. But I guess I wasn’t specific enough, because Sacramento suburbia? Big step down. Driving through its dull brown neighborhoods is a lot like passing through all those cornfields I used to hate so much in Illinois, only not so glamorous.

Yup, there’s nothing like an endless row of tract homes rolling past your window to make a long stretch of awkward silence seem even longer. When we finally reached the end of my neighborhood Ryan broke the quiet with a measly “Where to?”

The sound of his voice startled me so badly that I accidentally let out a burst of energy that not only blitzed the radio and the lights on his dashboard, but actually revved the engine of the truck. Ryan tapped the gauges on the dash with a frown and started to say something, but I screamed before he could get any words out.

“Stop the car!”

Ryan looked at me, a little stunned, but pulled the truck to a stop. I immediately jumped out before I fried the car and him along with it. As I started walking away I felt electricity pulsing through my body, and I was too upset to stop it.

“Stop!” I screamed when Ryan came running after me. “Don’t touch me!” He stopped only for a second because I’d startled him, but then he slowly reached out for me.

“I mean it, Ryan! Don’t come any closer!” I backed away from him again. “I don’t want to hurt you!”

Ryan didn’t just look confused; he looked scared. Sadly, he was right to be afraid. I was dangerous. “What do you mean, ‘hurt’ me?”

“I can’t control it!”

“Control what?”

The more upset Ryan got, the more frantic I became. I clenched my hands into tight fists when I felt them start to heat up, and suddenly the streetlight I was standing under lit up and exploded.

After Ryan ducked the shower of glass, I watched him make the connection between his truck, the broken lamp, and me. The way his mouth dropped open made me feel sick. It was probably one of the most awful moments of my life, and I wanted to run. After all, what did it matter at this point if I just disappeared? Ryan clearly knew I was different.

But for some reason, I couldn’t make myself move. I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t even breathe. In fact, Ryan was the first to come to his senses. He held his hands out and slowly stepped back.

“Okay, I’m backing up now.” His voice was low and forceful but very soothing, and the distance he put between us helped a great deal. “Take a deep breath,” he instructed, “and let’s try to stay calm.” Ryan inhaled deeply as if he was coaching himself to breathe and not actually talking to me at all, but I obeyed his orders anyway. I could feel my muscles start to relax when I focused on the sound of his breathing.

As I calmed down, the low hum of the streetlamp faded, and eventually I was able to take that deep breath I desperately needed. It felt good to breathe. It was also easier to settle down now that I could see that Ryan wasn’t panicking or anything. I closed my eyes and took several more deep breaths.

“Are you ready to talk to me?” Ryan asked when he was sure that speaking wouldn’t set me off again.

I was as ready as I would ever be, so I shrugged my defeat. I headed back to his truck in a bit of a daze, but when I started to climb back into the passenger seat I realized that Ryan was still standing a good ten feet away. He swallowed uneasily, like he didn’t want to have to ask me his next question but had no choice.

“Is it safe?”

I was too out of it at the time to get upset about the fact that he was scared of me, so I simply nodded. He got in the truck very slowly, and I noticed him hesitate before he started the car.

I’m not sure why I felt the need to apologize, but I whispered a weak “I’m sorry,” to which he didn’t respond. Instead, he glanced up at the fried lamppost once more, and then drove us back to his house without saying another word.

“It’s just us,” he eventually promised when I hesitated to follow him inside.

He couldn’t take his eyes off me as I walked in, but I couldn’t meet his gaze. I looked everywhere but his face because I didn’t want to see the expression on it. I didn’t want to see him watching me like he was afraid of me, or like he thought I was some kind of freak that belonged in a cage. A lot of people look at me that way, but I’d gotten used to Ryan looking at me like I’m a person. He usually watches me as if I’m someone he likes, or someone he really cares about. To see all of that taken away because he’d learned the truth would hurt too much.

I stood in the entryway, looking around, surprised by the earthy decor of the house. Even though the place had such a peaceful feeling to it, I somehow felt like I was marching to my death when I heard the door shut behind me. The rope was around my neck, and the crowd was just waiting for the floor to drop from beneath my feet. I realize that’s kind of a morbid analogy, but having to tell Ryan the truth about me really felt like the end of life as I knew it.

I watched the scene play out in my mind, until I finally had the guts to look at Ryan. Instead of asking me if I had any last words, he quietly asked, “Does stuff like that happen to you all the time?” Yeah, the situation sucked for me, but Ryan’s voice sounded so weak that I realized I was not the only one struggling at the moment. Ryan was freaked out. He was trying his very best to hide it from me, but that classic, cocky Ryan smile was nowhere to be found.

I thought that seeing him afraid would hurt somehow, but it actually made him seem vulnerable, like me. It felt good to not be the only weak one, and I was able to answer his question without getting distraught again. “Only when I get upset.”

“So what happened to my truck? And the other night at your house, when the lights went out?” Ryan swallowed hard, like he didn’t want to believe what he was thinking, but somehow knew it was true. “That was you?”

I shrugged. “People are right to call me a freak.”

Ryan flinched when I used the word “freak,” giving me a tiny glimmer of hope that he didn’t agree. But he didn’t turn into my mother and tell me I’m not one, he just stared at me for a second and then asked, “You’re not gonna, like, blow up my house, are you?” He was honestly a little concerned, and I couldn’t blame him for worrying.

“The whole house?” I shook my head and failed at an attempt to smile. “No. But I can’t promise I won’t fry the circuit breaker if I get too upset.”

“So it only happens when you’re angry?”

“Angry, nervous, scared, excited… It’s there all the time. It’s just harder to control when I get emotional.”

There was silence again, and I was terrified as I watched him stare at me. He wasn’t meaning to be rude, he was just trying to absorb everything I was saying. When he finally snapped out of his trance he spoke in a slightly more relaxed tone. “Let’s try to keep calm then, huh?” The corner of his mouth twitched like he was trying really hard to smile, even though he was totally overwhelmed. It wasn’t much, but it was enough to keep the electrical storms at bay for the time being. I nodded but could manage only a weak “I’ll try.”

“Here.” Ryan dropped his backpack to the floor. “I’ve got something that might help.” I followed him into the kitchen and watched, intrigued, as he put a teakettle on the stove to boil. I didn’t say anything as he pulled some homemade concoction of leaves from the cupboard, but when he set out two pretty little teacups on tiny saucers, I finally cracked a smile.

“You should have warned me we were having a tea party,” I teased. “I would have brought my Barbies.”

I was really surprised when the always-confident Ryan Miller turned a deep shade of red, but he was so cute that I could no longer give him a hard time. “My parents are on this all-natural kick lately,” he explained nervously. “Like herbal remedies and stuff. This one is supposed to be stress relieving.”

“Does it really work?”

“I hope so,” Ryan said with a laugh as he poured steaming water over the dried leaves. “My mom uses those eco-friendly lightbulbs. They’re expensive, and I’ll have to work for a month in order to pay her back if you blow them all up.”

I gave him a strange look but finally laughed, and for a second we were just two normal kids enjoying each other’s company, just like the other night when he tried on my crown. I couldn’t believe we were joking about my powers, but it was such a relief to have the tension broken. I think for him as much as me because once we finally laughed, he became that relaxed, happy Ryan that I’ve secretly come to crave.

As I stood there watching Mr. Star Quarterback happily slurping tea from a tiny cup with flowers on it, as if drinking tea was something he did all the time, I finally realized that, aside from the football thing, I really knew nothing about him. I was suddenly curious to know every detail.

“So your parents are hippies?”

I loved the way he cringed. I know it’s probably mean to take pleasure in making Ryan blush, but I couldn’t help smiling at his obvious embarrassment. It was nice to have the upper hand on him for once.

“Not exactly hippies. They’re more like super new age health nuts. My mom’s a yoga instructor, and my stepdad is a motivational speaker. So instead of tree hugger meetings and protest rallies, it’s self-help seminars and meditation.”

“And relaxing herbal remedies,” I teased, holding up my teacup.

“So the tea’s working?” Ryan’s voice sounded very hopeful. “You’re feeling better?”

“Maybe a little.”

“Enough to tell me what’s going on without blowing me up?” My heart jumped in my chest at his request, but he already knew I was different and was willing to joke about it, so I don’t know why it was so hard for me to explain it. Maybe because I’ve never said it out loud to anyone other than my parents before. Plus, he didn’t know the full extent of what we were talking about either.

“I’m working up to it,” I finally replied, sipping the last of my tea.

Ryan stared me down for a moment, debating whether or not to let my answer slide, then shrugged and led me through his house to the backyard. At first I thought he figured I would do less damage if I were outdoors, but when we walked into his backyard it was like stepping into a whole different world.

I’ve never seen a yard more beautiful. There were so many flowers and trees, and even a koi pond with a nice little fountain in the middle. I was so surprised by my surroundings that I just stood there gawking until Ryan grabbed my hand and led me through the garden to a tiny gazebo.

“Sorry there’s not really a place to sit,” he said as I took a seat on a thin mat. “This is where my mom does her yoga.”

“I can see why. It’s beautiful out here.”

“My stepdad calls it a Zen garden. I wasn’t kidding about the meditation thing.” I was a little amazed when Ryan lit some incense—again, as if he did that kind of thing often.

“Your stepdad sounds like an interesting guy.”

I knew I was in trouble when Ryan’s confidence returned, but I wasn’t sure yet why.

“Yeah, he is kind of different,” he said, plopping down right next to me. “But then, I always seem to like people who are a little out of the ordinary.”

So much for having the upper hand. Ryan actually winked at me, and just like that, he was back on top. He not only managed to bring the conversation back to my powers, he was able to hit on me while doing it. The worst part about it was, the way he said it sounded so sweet that it made me blush!

What was it with him? If I wasn’t careful, I’d be kissing him within five minutes, and he’d be dead in six. I wasn’t ever going to go through the whole killing someone thing again, so I shook myself from his spell and whispered, “I shouldn’t be here.”

I tried to get up to leave, but Ryan immediately pulled me back down. “Okay, okay. I’m sorry, all right? No more flirting. I promise. Please don’t leave.”

Ryan gave me this look that was so sad and desperate…and cute. How anyone could ever resist such a pout is beyond me. No, really, I can’t say no to the guy.

“I’m not a bad guy, you know,” he said when I made myself comfortable again. “You don’t have to be afraid of me.”

I knew I would never get out of there without explaining everything to him. I also knew it was time to quit stalling, but I had no idea where to start. I let go a deep sigh and looked down at my feet, because there’s no way I’d be able to get through it while staring into his eyes.

“I have to be afraid of everyone,” I whispered. “Even myself.” I managed to glance up briefly, and I could see that Ryan wanted to argue, but he didn’t dare interrupt me now that I was finally talking. “It’s not safe for people to know about me. And until I figure out how to control it all the time, it’s not even safe for people to be around me. You saw it yourself. It’s dangerous.”

“What exactly is…
it
?”

“I don’t really know for sure. I emit some kind of weird energy. And as you’ve noticed, sometimes I have a hard time holding it in.”

“So you’re blowing stuff up with some kind of psychic mind powers?” He was one hundred percent serious. And I know I am the last person who should be talking, but psychic mind powers? Come on, it was funny. “No, it doesn’t work like that,” I said, managing one tiny laugh. “It’s like electricity.”

“Electricity?”

So far so good. Ryan didn’t seem freaked out at all anymore. If anything he looked really intrigued, so I took a chance and held my hand above his head. “Yeah.” I smiled again when all of his hair began to stand up. “Electricity.”

When I pulled my hand away Ryan reached up to feel the static in his hair. He played with it for a minute before smoothing it back down, and then looked at me in complete awe. “That’s kind of cool,” he whispered.

His admiration was so intense that it made me forget about everything around me. My heart started to flutter, and I wanted him to kiss me so badly it hurt. Of course, when he leaned toward me like he might actually do that, I clammed up again and said whatever I could that would keep me from throwing myself at him.