Behind Our Walls (27 page)

The house looked like a cave troll had been doing yoga and playing dodge ball at the same time. All of the canned food and batteries were gone. Even most of the tools were missing. All the furniture was ripped open and overturned - the paintings pulled down off the wall and shredded.

My room was a complete contrast. There were some clothes scattered around on the floor but to be honest, I had probably left them there. That was the first time I remember crying. How crazy is that? That's what it took for me to cry. It was hard to stand there with my room looking like I was waking up to a normal Saturday afternoon.

We scrounged around the house and managed to come up with some basic supplies. My dad had kept a few stashes of canned food and emergency water pouches that the rovers hadn't found. Stella made me put together a backpack of everything I was going to need.

How does one pack for a trip where you won't be coming back? I had no idea what to take. I grabbed a few pairs of underwear and socks, some shirts, a towel and a sweatshirt. A water bottle and my Swiss army knife. I was lucky that the flashlight was in my desk - they hadn't found it. I grabbed a book and my mp3 player. A toothbrush.

Stella made us go back to the hidden room to wait out the night in case there were any stragglers from the previous group that came through. I remember lying there in my sleeping bag, listening to her sleep and trying to not bother her with my crying. I wanted to be brave. We want a lot of things don't we?

Monday, October 1

Every once in a while we'll meet someone who's willing to talk to us. That's how I've gotten most of the information I'm putting in this journal. You never really know who is being honest with you and who's full of shit. You just have to hope your instincts are good enough to lead you right.

A few nights ago hat he meant was that there was no hope of Big Brother being toppled in their lifetimes so the best they could hope for was keeping certain ideals alive so that planting those seeds would allow for future generations to succeed and flourish.

I feel like I understand that a lot better now.

Monday, October 8

Stella is so pissed off at me - I don't think I've ever seen her like this before. We were running away from some rovers when I realized that I had dropped my journal. I yelled at her to stop and went back for it. I found it in a gutter a few hundred yards behind us. It took about ten minutes but that was enough time for the group to almost catch up to us. Stella dragged me into the trunk of an old Ford. We had to cram in there together until it was safe. We got lucky - they didn't find us. She actually slapped me. She's never done that before. She can be such a controlling bitch sometimes.

I know that she's upset but I think this is important enough to take the risk. Besides, it's not like I asked her to come back with me - she could have hidden out somewhere by herself.

And if not - isn't it pretty much just a matter of time for all of us?

Earlier this morning, we passed through a small town. Couldn't have been much more than a thousand or so people back in the day. It's the type of town that you'd drive through in about a minute on your way from somewhere else to somewhere else.

There was a movie theater though.

Stella wanted to check it out because we needed to restock on supplies. I wanted to skip it but she was right. You need to take every opportunity that comes along and since we thought the town was dead we figured it would be all right.

You're going to think I'm lying but I swear to god - the lobby still smelled like butter. I don't know how that could be possible and maybe I was just making it up in my head with the association but honestly, it still smelled like melted butter and popcorn. The big oversized posters of classic films behind heavy glass really took me back.

The display case where they had kept the candy was completely shattered. There might have been a few random pieces in the mess but nothing worth digging through broken glass to get at. Besides, with the kind of diet we live on these days, candy is never really a good idea anymore. The popcorn machine looked like it hadn't been touched. The registers were gone - must have vanished back when money still had some value to people.

There was just one screen and the theater itself was rank. The air was heavy and hot and it reeked of dried sweat and urine and vomit and shit - somehow all mixed up into one bad smell. Stella said we had to make sure no one was hiding in there so we checked every chair and aisle. I found a pair of shoes about halfway down. One of them still had a foot in it. They weren't my size anyway.

We found what we thought was a guy sleeping in the second row. Turns out he wasn't asleep. There was an empty pill bottle on the floor next to him so I guess he decided to book his own flight. Just didn't have any survival left in him. He was clutching a picture of a pretty attractive woman – who knows what happened to her – nothing good I'm sure. I can imagine him coming here - to the one place left he remembered making him happy and choosing to end it here. Sometimes it's better to go out on your own terms.

There wasn't anything else in the theater so we went upstairs to the projection room. Stella found three canisters of film in the back of a file cabinet that we might be able to use to make rope. I don't know how long we were in there before the closet door blew open and the guy came jumping out at us. He was holding Stella down and choking her. He had pushed me to the side I think. All I remember is being on the floor.

I thought I had shit myself but Stella needed my help. I hit the guy on the head with an empty film can but I think I just made him more mad than anything. Stella's face was getting bright red and her eyes were kind of glossed over. The guy was reaching at me with his other hand trying to get a hold of my jacket. I managed to scoot away from him and found a snow globe on the desk. It was a bit smaller than a baseball and really heavy so I threw it at the guy as hard as I could.

I was never any good at sports so I'm probably lucky that it didn't hit Stella. The sound that it made freaked my out, it was like this dull, hollow sound like you get if you've ever dropped a coconut. At first it was like nothing had happened. His hands dropped away from Stella's neck and I could see this big dark stain in the middle of his dirty hair spreading outwards. Then blood started to ooze up out of the wound.

I thought that was going to be enough, but Stella kicked him in the chest, hard. He fell back against the wall and dropped to the floor. He was making these weird noises, like somewhere between a burp and a choking sound. I yelled at Stella but she was gone. I mean her body was moving but she was nowhere to be found in her eyes. She was on top of the guy and in about a second, her knife was buried in his chin, all the way up to the hilt.

We killed a man because he tried to kill us.

We've watched people get killed because we didn't want to get killed.

Sometimes I think we should be dead too.

Friday, October 12

I can't say I would have ever seen this coming, but we are now a trio. Her name is Fiona. We met her the other day along the road - she was digging through an old refrigerator. And for some reason Stella has decided that she should join up with us.

Fiona has been going on about a safe community located not too far from here. Her story is that this group has taken over an old football stadium. They are using the field itself for growing crops and caring for a certain amount of animals. Families are living in the luxury boxes so everyone has their own spaces with doors that actually lock. They have regular guards and patrols that go around making sure the community is safe from outsiders and according to Fiona, when she left they were close to finishing a turbine that would allow them to have electricity.

I think she's full of shit.

Stella is completely taken with her - although I suspect her interests are beyond just information. The community she talks about sounds great. It's just too hard to trust anyone in times like these. It sounds too good to be true. Why would anyone ever leave a place like that? Stella won't hear it though. She's pretty much convinced that Fiona is the real deal. I'm going to keep a close eye out.

Wednesday, October 17

Fiona is sleeping in Stella's tent now. Didn't take long for that to happen. I hate thinking this way but I wonder if Fiona actually swings that way or if she's just playing an angle. At least the last night or two have been windy so I haven't had to listen to their racket. I get why Stella wants to believe her. We all have needs and it's even harder for her. What are the odds of finding anyone out here who isn't completely batshit crazy - let alone someone also having similar preferences? I just wish she would use better judgment since she's always on my case for not thinking things through.

I got a "talking-to" from Fiona this morning. She said that she has "noticed" how I've been watching her and wanted me to remember that she's never going to be interested. What a bitch. I have been watching her but not for that reason. She's so full of herself. Fiona also thinks that Stella being on her own with me was asking for trouble. Like eventually I'd give into my desires and something bad would have happened if we hadn't run into Fiona who saved the day.

So now I get to be the third wheel. Fiona is leading us around in circles acting like she isn't quite sure how to lead us back to the community. I think she knows exactly where she's leading us. Somewhere at the end of this trail there's going to be someone waiting for us. I just hope Stella isn't in this funk when it does go down because I need her help.

Friday, October 19

We found the perfect house. It's situated on a block with a city park so the only other building is an abandoned flower shop. The basement is completely finished and there aren't that many windows so we can easily block them up so that we can use lights without being seen at night. We dragged mattresses and box springs down from the upstairs. I took one room for myself and of course the other two took the other.

It's weird to be sleeping in a room in a bed. It's cold down here and houses with no power have a weird feel to them. You never realize how much noise everything makes in your house until it all stops. The house becomes a vacuum for sound. Still, it's nice to be inside and in a bedroom, even if I do have to listen to the banging against the wall coming from the next room over. Little prices we pay I guess.

Sunday, October 21

Fiona has actually warmed up to me ever so slightly. Maybe all of the sex has put her in a better mood. That or she figures she's got us completely hooked at this point. We played cards tonight out in the rec room and managed to keep from fighting at all. All in all, not too bad of a night.

It's been five years since my parents were killed and I've been with Stella ever since. I know that she has zero interest in men but I think she feels sorry for me. And when you get down to it sometimes you just need to be close to someone, regardless of other feelings you might have. She has let me have sex with her a few times, even though I know she hates it.

I don't understand how I can need her so much and at the same time feel completely resentful of her presence in my life. It's hard to look at her sometimes and noStella is still sticking to her story that she is going to lead us to the stadium. The story is never quite the same each time she tells it but I'll give her credit, she does sell it. I'd be happy staying in this house and never leaving but I know that would never work. The house is providing an illusion of safety and protection but it also makes you uneasy. You know that you're living somewhere you don't belong. And even though we searched every inch of the place, you always feel another presence here, or the possibility of someone showing up out of the blue, ready to throw down to gain control of the house.

I'm worried about Stella. She's starting to break down a little bit. Normally I would be the one to help bring her spirits back up. But now that Fiona is here, things are just more complicated. Fiona should be trying to support Stella but she keeps talking her ear off every chance she gets about ditching me and going off on their own.

Stella is starting to get the dead stare, like there's nothing left on the inside to look out at us. I think that Fiona has noticed it as well because now out of the blue she's talking about heading out tomorrow. There's still a part of me that thinks that she has been intentionally trying to slow us down so that we'll walk right in to her ambush wherever it's set up for.

I want to be able to walk out into that rec room, turn on the TV and get something other than static. I want to watch horrible monster movies on late night cable and eat Chinese food so greasy it coats the inside of your mouth. I guess what I have to settle for nowadays is a storage room inside a complete stranger's house with nothing to do but sit, wait and think.

Monday, October 22

Fiona is a lying bitch and I don't know if I can even find to words to describe how pissed I am at how much she has cost us. I was lagging behind the two of them when I started to hear shouting. When I ran ahead, I found the two of them at each other. Stella had just fallen to the ground and Fiona was standing over her with a rock held high. I yelled at her to stop and all she did was turn her dead eyes on me.

When she pulled out a knife and started towards me, I dropped my pack and grabbed inside for our gun. When she realized what I was doing she started to run towards me but I managed to get it out and get a shot off. I'm just glad the safety wasn't on.