Behind Closed Doors (6 page)

“
Harry,
please go,” my voice became firm. “I’m finished
here.”

“
That’s
the thing,” he said, “I’m not. You keep walking
away before I’m finished.”

I
started to walk to the door, and as he followed me, “Where are
you going?”

“
I’m
going to get Reggie or Wayne to help you,” I said, annoyed.

“
Like
hell you are,” his hand went up to the door above my head,
pushing it close as I was opening it.

“
Harry,
I’ve had enough. Get the hell out of my house,” I said.
“Or so help me God, I’ll call the police. You’ve
worn out your welcome.”

“
You’re
a bitch,” he slurred. “I was just leaving. To think I
missed you,” he said as he let himself out.

I
was shaken up, angry, and taken back hearing that he missed me. At
least he wasn’t completely made of ice – because during
our marriage, I was beginning to feel that way.

Locking
my door, I double checked the deadbolt, and then headed back to bed.
I couldn’t sleep, and tossed and turned. I didn’t have
many good feelings left about my marriage or Harry. I felt badly that
after all the time we spent together, it was left the way it was. I
knew I’d made the right decision leaving him, but I was sad
that all these years later we’d come down to this, him drunk
and ranting, and me pushing him out the door and away from me.

I
hated drama. I wasn’t one of those women that thrived on stuff
like that. I preferred things quiet, so I hoped it would be the last
I heard from Harry on the matter, especially drunken and in the
middle of the night.

In
the morning, climbing out of bed, I woke feeling edgy. I was sure it
had to do with Harry stopping by, but I felt cheated out of the
pleasant feelings I’d been having about Alex. I hated Harry for
overriding them. I deserved to be happy, and feel flirty and sexy
this morning. Instead, I was bitter. I tried to regain the earlier
feelings from the night before when Alex kissed me, but they were too
far gone.

Standing
under the water spray of the shower, I closed my eyes trying to clear
my mind. I wasn’t renting Harry space in my brain anymore; I
refused to let his actions last night stay with me any longer. So
what if he missed me, it was simply his wanting a better public image
for the next election. He didn’t have feelings for me, and was
only in it for himself. That’s the thing, our entire marriage
felt that way, him putting me aside and only thinking of his own
needs. It was time to put myself first.

I
spent the afternoon flitting about the internet, and kept coming back
to a list of schools I’d bookmarked. A piece of me felt too old
to go back to school again, and yet I had a lot of years before me.
I’d have to do something. The consulting fees I got were few
and far between. I had investments, and money in the bank after our
settlement, but I didn’t plan on sitting around the house for
the rest of my life. After careful consideration, I chose two or
three schools from the list and started reading as much information
as I could about them.

A
little voice inside of me said I could do it, and with each passing
moment, I started to believe that was true.

I’d
have to apply and get accepted first, but it would give me a purpose
and maybe a new career when I finished. Law school was something that
sat in the back of my mind, and as I read through the varying types
of law, I was overwhelmed. I never thought about all the different
kinds of lawyers, from real estate, family law, personal injury,
estate management, criminal law, and so many more, I had to sit and
think about what I wanted. A small practice would be more my style
than a power firm, but I needed purpose. I wondered if most people
went into school knowing what they wanted to do, or did they decide
while they were there.

With
my current undergrad degree, it looked like it would take another
three years of law school, and at least six months to a year to study
for my BAR exam. Four years felt like forever. I felt defeated, even
though I knew I had the drive – I realized I’d be close
to forty by the time I’d be a lawyer. For the first time, I
felt old. I knew I wasn’t, and I had plenty of life left, but
most people went onto law school right after they finished college. I
suddenly felt at odds, and had no idea if this was the path for me or
not.

What
else could I do? I really had no illusions; it wasn’t something
I’d spent a lot of time thinking about during my marriage. I
had a plan, but things changed. I was frustrated not knowing what I
wanted. I had the freedom to choose, but felt overwhelmed at the
number of options.

What
should have been exciting and fascinating left me feeling anxious.
Why didn’t I know? How could I have not formulated some kind of
plan, or even know what I wanted to spend my time doing? I felt a
lack of passion, and without the desire to do anything in particular,
I was lost.

How
did everyone else know where they were going, and what they wanted to
do? I think I did before I met Harry, and yet I wasn’t the same
girl that I was all those years ago. I went into school with a dream,
but left with husband. It’s not that I settled, but I was
content to be his wife, his arm piece, and without a voice of my own,
I simply fell into going to events, luncheons, and speaking for those
who came for help.

I
spoke for education, for children, for health causes, for women’s
issues, and then it hit me. I spoke, and I spoke well. I considered a
career in public speaking, and thought about causes near to my heart.
It was when I spoke for women’s issues and for those that were
down that I came to life. I was more drawn to those issues than
health causes. It’s not that I didn’t want to help with
health issues – I had no problem helping, but when I championed
for battered women, and helping them overcome their struggles, I felt
alive.

Could
one make a career out of that? What could I do? I tossed around the
idea of non-profit organizations, and made a list of people I knew
that worked with women. For the first time in a long time, I started
to feel the fire growing inside of me, and then the pieces started to
come together. If I got my law degree, I could help these women by
doing pro-bono work. I could be a voice for those women that needed
it the most. It was a moment of excitement, finally realizing that I
just might have a plan after all.

We
went to the park for our second date. Alex packed a picnic lunch, and
I must say an impressive one. When I commented, he admitted he’d
gotten help. It was a catered picnic lunch, and he just showed up to
pick up the basket. I laughed, because it was brilliant. Sitting
eating small finger sandwiches, we talked and shared more details
about ourselves.

Getting
to know Alex as he opened up was wonderful. He was charming, warm,
and witty. I wish I’d known that about him previously. Not that
it would have mattered, but I would have seen him more as an
individual, and not just as an employee.

The
sun went behind some clouds, and as we glanced up we saw an imminent
rain shower. Quickly gathering our things we ran to the car, and
almost made it. Laughing, we sat in the car realizing how close we
were to getting soaked. We’d lost track of time, and had spent
the better part of the afternoon together.

As
he leaned over to kiss me, I parted my lips, accepting his
affections. His kiss was tender and soft, as his hand came up to my
head, pulling me closer. I was oblivious of the photographer
capturing our intimate moment in the car.

When
the picture was splashed on the front page of the local paper, I was
horrified. It was tagged with the headline, “Governor’s
Ex-Wife and Bodyguard in Love Affair, Was He the Cause of the
Divorce?” The speculation had me spitting mad.

I
was embarrassed for us both, and was almost afraid of Alex’s
reaction. He was a private person, and I knew this wouldn’t go
over well. I was right. My phone rang not long after he saw the
headline.

“
Elle,”
he was tense, “I don’t think I can do this.”

“
Alex,
I’m not a married woman. We don’t have to justify dating
one another,” I started.

“
People
will be questioning my morals and ethics, dating my ex-boss, and
wondering if we were together while you were still married. I’m
an upstanding man; I wouldn’t make a move on you if you were
still married.”

“
Alex,
I know that, you were nothing but respectful,” I said.

“
And
now, I’m splashed across some newspaper like I’m
conversation worthy, like silly gossip. This isn’t how I live
my life,” he answered. He was obviously uncomfortable, much
more than I was at this point.

I
guess I was used to being in the paper time to time, but he was used
to a quieter life. “I’m sorry,” I finally said. I
didn’t know what else to say. What’s done is done; it
didn’t have to mean anything.

“
Now
people will be watching, wondering, always questioning if I was cause
for your divorce.”

“
I
don’t care what people think,” I said. “I know the
truth.”

“
It’s
not just what people think, it’s that it’s been made
public. My name will be tied to you in an unscrupulous manner. I just
don’t think this is a good idea,” he said. “I’m
sorry, but I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

“
Alex,
you can’t be serious,” I stopped my train of thought. “I
understand,” I said solemnly. “If that’s what you
want.”

“
I
think it’s what’s best,” he answered, not what I
was hoping for.

“
Very
well, good-bye,” I said and hung up the phone. There was
nothing left to say.

And
just like that, what I thought would be the start of something
wonderful collapsed before me. It made me sick to my stomach, the
power a single picture had. He was right; people would speculate and
make assumptions about our relationship. It saddened me that it
spiraled out of control.

I
should have known Harry would call. I let it go to voicemail when I
saw his number. I didn’t have it in me to deal with him right
now. I listened to the message, assaulting me with nasty thoughts,
telling me he should have known all along.

How
dare he accuse me of something I didn’t do, when all along he’d
been cheating on me? Maybe it makes him feels better, erasing some of
his own guilt. He’d been fucking around with whores half his
age, letting them into our home, barely hiding it from me for years.
And for him to accuse me of this, I was seething. Even knowing he
cheated on me, I remained loyal.

It
shouldn’t matter what people think, but it did. I sat in lonely
misery, sad that my reputation had been marred, and that my newly
blooming relationship was over.

This
wasn’t how I expected my morning to start, and with that I
climbed back into bed. I didn’t want to face the day, talk to
anyone, or even go out. My pride was wounded, and as I snuggled under
the covers, I let a few lone tears fall. Maybe it wasn’t love,
but it was certainly worth cheering for, and just like that it was
over. It didn’t seem fair, but then life isn’t always
fair.

When
I finally dragged myself out of bed for the second time of the day, I
plodded over to my computer and sat down. I could at least take
charge of my life in this manner. A relationship would only get in
the way, I said tasting the sour grapes. I need to focus on a career,
go back to school and stop putting this off. With that, I finally
spent time gathering the information I needed to resume my schooling.

Once
I started, it took all my focus. It had been ages since I’d
been in school, but here I was being a student all over again. I was
nervous at first, feeling almost out of place, but I knew if I stayed
true to the course, it would pay off in the end.

Studying
took more time than I even remembered. There were so many details to
remember, but throwing myself into my schoolwork was a great
distraction. I hardly thought about Alex lately, except for the ten
or twelve times a day I still thought about him. There was something
there, but we’d never find out. When he ended things, it was
the last time I heard from him.

I’d
been sitting in the coffee shop with my books spread out, and lost in
a never ending passage. I barely noticed the man standing a few feet
away staring at me. It took hearing his voice for me to look up.

“
Alex?”
I stood smiling. “It’s so nice to see you, how have you
been?”

“
Good
and you? I see you decided to go ahead and get back into school.”