Before the Storm (40 page)

happened a few times before—but it felt so real. He sat there in

jeans and a blue T-shirt, his empathy tattoo as big as life. I wasn’t

afraid. I was happy to see him. He spoke to me, although his lips

didn’t move. He said,
You’re a fighter, Laurie. You’re the champ.

I had thought about that dream—or whatever it was—

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often since that night. Every time I faced a challenge, I thought

of his words. Words he’d never said to me when he was alive,

but that I could imagine him saying. I’d had more than my share

of challenges, that was for sure. Now, though, I was facing the

biggest challenge of my life, and I was going to fight with all

my power to keep Andy out of jail.

So if
my
expertise didn’t count, I would find someone

whose expertise did. I was fired up. I’d find someone with experience testifying in court cases for people with FASD. I

went online and, through my network of FASD parents

around the country, found the name of a neurologist in

Raleigh. I called his office and set up an appointment to meet

with him the next day. He suggested that at this point, I come

alone but bring Andy’s medical and psychological records

with me. If the case actually went to trial, then he would do

a thorough evaluation of Andy. For now, he would give me

ammunition to share with Dennis that might prevent Andy

from being bound over to the adult system. I cried with relief

when I got off the phone. He was optimistic, and his optimism

gave me hope.

I made arrangements for Andy to spend the next day with

the mother of one of his swim team members. Ben had convinced me that Andy should stay on the team, and I appreciated

his willingness to deal with whatever repercussions arose from

that decision. Andy didn’t understand why he wasn’t going to

school; taking him away from the swim team he loved would

leave him more confused than he already was.

I tucked him into bed that night and told him about the plans

for the next day.

“I have to go out of town tomorrow,” I said, “so you’ll—”

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“To make a fetal alcohol speech?”

“No.” I smiled. “Not this time. I’m just going to Raleigh for

the day. So you’ll stay at Tyler’s house with his mom, and—”

“Will Tyler be there?”

“He’ll be at school,so you’ll take your books with you and—”

“Can I take my iPod?”

“Yes, but I want you to do some reading and that math we

talked about, okay? I marked it in your book. And I’ll tell

Tyler’s mother so she’ll be watching to be sure you do it.”

“Can I have lunch?”

“Tyler’s mom will make you lunch. Then after school, she’ll

take you and Tyler to swim team practice and Maggie will pick

you up afterward.”

“Tyler’s not a good swimmer.”

“No?”

“Even though Ben explains things good.”

“Well,”
I said. “Ben explains things well.”

“Ben said if I work hard, I can be a top swimmer.”

“I think you already
are
a top swimmer.”

“No, Mom. Not just a top Pirate swimmer. A top swimmer

of all time. A champion.”

I ran my hand over his curly hair. “What a wonderful aspiration,” I said.

Andy yawned. “What’s a ‘aspration’?” He rubbed the back

of his hand over his eyes. My sleepy boy.

“A goal.You know, how we have your goal chart?”

“Uh-huh.” He shut his eyes.

“I love you,” I said.

“Mmm.” He was already breathing steadily, a tiny smile on

his lips.

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I watched him for a few minutes, biting back tears. Then I

leaned over, whispered in his ear, “You’re a fighter, sweetie,” I

said. “You’re already a champ.”

THE BOAT IS TOO SMALL FOR SUCH A ROUGH
day on the

ocean. I realize that as soon as we pass through the inlet into open

water.A monster yellow boat the size and shape of a school bus passes

us.We rise high on its wake, then plunge down in the gully, water

pouring over us. For a moment, I’m afraid, but when Jamie starts to

laugh, peeling his wet T-shirt over his head, I relax and laugh with

him.I open the throttle,and the nose of my boat rises as we speed across

the water.

“Look!” Jamie’s eyes are wide and he’s pointing to the east. I turn

my head to see a pod of jet-black whales, all in a row, all spouting at

the same time. Like a drawing in a children’s book.

“God’s swimming with us!” Jamie says.

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* * *

did, even though I’d managed to wake up before the bad part.

My heart hammered in my chest. For nearly ten years, that

dream had dogged me. I got out of bed to shake it off. Was I

going to have that damn dream for the rest of my life? I

doubted my heart could take it.

In the bathroom, I splashed water on my face. If I went right

back to bed, the dream would turn into the nightmare. No way

I was letting that happen.

I got on the computer and started playing Freecell, but my

mind was muddy. I stared at the cards until they blended

together. Closed my eyes.

I could have changed the outcome that day. I could have suggested we take the boat into the sound instead of the ocean.

Go in the afternoon instead of the morning. I could have

bought the boat the week before or the week after. It wasn’t

the first time I’d made myself crazy thinking about the

what-ifs.

The day before the accident, I’d picked up Laurel at the airport

and asked her the question that had been in my mind for months:

was there a chance for us? She’d given me her answer and I was

determined to live with it. I had to. I dropped her off at The Sea

Tender, but Jamie came out before I pulled away.

“Hey.” He got in on the passenger side. His hair was wet

from a shower or a swim. “Do you have time to hang out later

today?” he asked. “Just with me, I mean.”

Weird request, but that didn’t register. All I could think

about was that I didn’t want to spend time with him right then.

Not after the conversation I’d just had with Laurel.

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“How about tomorrow?” I asked.“You have the day off, right?”

“Okay,” he said. “I’ll call you in the morning.”

“You can help me christen the new boat,” I suggested.

“Whatever.” He looked toward The Sea Tender, then got out

of the pickup.

When I called at sunrise the next day, I expected him to balk

at the early hour. He liked sleeping in on his days off. But he

sounded like he couldn’t wait to go out on the new boat. That

should have tipped me off right there.

We met at the boat docks and I could tell something was

up. Forced smile. Kept his hands in his shorts pockets as he

admired the boat. He asked me questions about her, but I

knew he wasn’t listening to my answers. Just the early hour, I

told myself. He wasn’t awake yet.

I jumped into the boat with a thermos of coffee and a couple

of foam cups, and he followed. “I wanted something small

enough to maneuver well, but large enough to fit all of us,” I

said. In my imagination, I’d pictured Laurel and the kids with

me in the boat while Jamie worked. I was one hell of a brother.

I sank into the cushy seat at the helm. “Coffee?” I held the

thermos out to him as he sat down in the front passenger seat.

He shook his head, still smiling that not-quite-real smile.

“You okay?” I asked him.

He shrugged. “A little preoccupied,” he admitted. “So!” He

motioned to the boat. “Show me what she’s got.”

“You game for the ocean?” I asked as we pulled away from

the pier. I’d already cruised the sound and the Intracoastal

Waterway. I wanted to see how she handled in the open water.

“Sure.” He adjusted his sunglasses.“Got a name for her yet?”

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I’d thought about naming her
Laurel.
Seriously. I was such a

fool.

“Maybe
Maggie,
” I said.

“Cool,” said Jamie. “She’d love having a boat named after

her.”

In a few minutes, we were cruising through the inlet. I felt

a thrill, as I always did, when I saw the open sea in front of us.

So wide, I swore I could see the curvature of the earth. How

I’d survived four years in the mountains, I didn’t know.

As we sailed into the ocean from the inlet, a massive ship

appeared out of nowhere. Materialized from thin air. Steamed

past us with a killer blast from its horn. I tightened my hands

on the wheel as we headed straight into its wake.

“Holy shit!” I said, as we climbed the first swell.

“Hang on!” Jamie shouted. Like he needed to tell me.

We crested the wave, dropping like a stone on the other side

of it, and the next wave was on us before we recovered. It tore

off my sunglasses, blinding me with a wall of water and nearly

swamping the boat. I hung on to the wheel. Jamie let out a

whoop
like he was riding a bucking bull.

Two more waves,and then finally,the worst was over.I turned

to see Jamie laugh as he peeled off his sopping wet T-shirt. He

took off his sunglasses, looking around, I guessed, for something

to dry them with. “I couldn’t see a damn thing,” he said.

“No shit,” I said, able to laugh now myself. “And I lost my

frickin’ sunglasses.”

He propped his own sunglasses on top of his head. Wrung

his T-shirt out over the side of the boat. “Well, your boat

handled well,” he said.

“Thought I might lose her there for a minute.”

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We sailed into the sea, and I opened the throttle wide. After

a while, Jamie cleaned his sunglasses with his damp T-shirt.

Slipped them back on his face. Then he pointed south.

“Is that a
whale?
” He had to shout for me to hear him over

the roar of the engine.

“Where?” The surface of the water was calm.

“He’s gone under.”

“Can’t be a whale!” I shouted. “Not the season.”

“You’re right,” he said. “Sure looked like one, though.”

We soared across the water. “Is this baby smooth or what?”

I shouted.

“She’s great!”

She was
dynamite.
We were flying.

“There he is again!” Jamie pointed. “We’re practically on

top of him.”

I saw him this time. Couldn’t miss him. He breached just

south of us, a thirty- or forty-thousand-ton mountain shooting

straight up from the sea, then slipping back into the water.

“Holy…” I slowed the boat, and we scanned the water to

find him again. “I don’t believe it. It’s
June!
” You’d see humpbacks in December or January as they headed south, and in the

spring as they returned north. But late June?

I heard the
pop
of the whale’s blow spout and turned to see

a fountain of water spray into the air not twenty yards away.

Then the massive tail rose in the air like a great bird, wings

spread above the water. The tail thwacked the surface as he

dove under again. I throttled back the engine until we were

simply drifting.

“Is he alone, do you think?” Jamie nearly whispered.

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“I have no idea,” I said. “Should’ve brought my camera. No

one’s going to believe this.”

The whale suddenly breached a second time, rocketing

toward the sky in front of us.

“Is that the same one?” Jamie asked.

“I don’t know, but damn! That’s one big Mama Jama!” And

too damn close for comfort. I’d seen whales up close before.

Close enough to scratch their backs with a net from a fishing

charter. This was different. This guy dwarfed us. Dwarfed my

boat. I could imagine Jonah setting up house in his belly.

“How can anyone see this and not feel God’s presence?”

Jamie asked.

I didn’t answer. I’d found my own higher power through

AA, but Jamie’s God and mine were not the same.

The whale slipped underwater again. We waited a few more

minutes, swiveling our heads left and right for the next sign

of him. He was gone.

I reached for the throttle.

“Wait,” Jamie said. “Let’s sit here a while longer.”

“I think he’s gone.”

“Yeah, I know,” he said. “I want to talk to you, though.”

I let go of the throttle. Shit. Had Laurel told him about our

conversation?

“I’ll take some of that coffee now,” he said.

I handed him the thermos and a cup. Watched him pour.

His hand had a tremor, but so did mine after our close encounter with Moby Dick.

He took a sip of the coffee, then blew out his breath.“Damn,

bro,” he said, “this is hard to say.”

I wiped my sweaty palms on my shorts. “What’s going on?”

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“I’ve made a hard decision.” His sunglasses masked his eyes,

but I knew he was looking right at me. “It’s selfish. Really

selfish. And I’m gonna need your help, bro.”

I relaxed. No way this was about Laurel and me.“Anything,