Before Now (Sometimes Never) (19 page)

“I never meant to. He was a crutch that I didn’t know I was leaning on. I put so much on him and I never meant to. But I tried to tell him. I started to realize that maybe he felt stronger than I did. I tried to make it clear that we weren’t—that he wasn’t my boyfriend. That I didn’t want a boyfriend. I said it all the time. Maybe too much. And then I met Mason and the connection was so…
different
.”

“So you dropped him for Mason.”

I can’t breathe. I can’t fucking breathe. I’m definitely sinking. I think I’m dying. I want to die. I want it to stop.

I just want to fucking wake up.

“When other people say it, it sounds bad,” Hope whispers.

“
It’s not bad. You can’t help who you love…” Lucy trails off and there’s another stretch of silence.

The beeping sounds louder. Faster. I can’t take it. Somebody please make this all stop. I can’t do this. I need to leave. I need to move. I need—

“I hate the thought of him being in pain,” Lucy murmurs.

“
I never meant to hurt him.” Hope sighs loudly. “I regret that part every day. It’s just… I spent my whole life drowning, and then Mason came along, and I could breathe. For the first time in my life, I was happy. I needed that. Park was great and I’ll always be grateful to him. He was there when I needed him, but Mason made me not need. That didn’t come out right. I still need things. A lot of things. Mason just makes me need different things.”

I can’t remember the last time I cried, but right now my eyes are stin
ging like they want to tear up. My head is pounding.

Wake up.

Wake up.

Wake up.

“He…we…” Lucy sounds like she’s choking on her words. My chest aches.

“You love him,” Hope finishes for her.

My heart is racing. I can barely hear her reply over the rushing echo in my ears. Don’t answer that. Please don’t answer that. Don’t—

“I don’t know. I didn’t mean to. I don’t want to.”

“You can’t help who you love,” Hope says quietly, throwing Lucy’s words back at her.

She doesn’t love me. I shouldn’t be letting myself feel this. It’s not real. This is just a dream and when I wake up I’ll feel like I lost something.

Maybe I won’t wake up.

Maybe I’ll sleep forever.

My head hurts so badly. There’s so much pressure. I feel like an overinflated balloon.

I wish I would burst.

“He slept with that girl. In the same day as sleeping with me. And then he announced it to a room full of people. I can’t…”

“He’s an ass,” Hope barks. “Dear Buddha, he’s a dickhead.
But seriously, Lucy, take it from someone that’s made an art form of pushing people away—he’s trying to make you leave. If he
makes
you go away then it won’t hurt as bad.”

“That’s stupid,” Lucy
mutters, the resentment thick in her voice.

Hope’s right and I hate her a little bit for it. I’m not an idiot. I know I do
that. But she’s wrong about why I do it. It’s not about making it hurt less. It’s about finding out who will actually stay.

“Look, Park isn’t some unfeeling bastard. And he isn’t dumb
—generally. I think his problem is that he feels everything. And the dude’s a closet genius. Did you know he’s on a full academic scholarship?”

“No, I didn’t, but that doesn’t surprise me.”

She’s lying. It surprises everyone that finds out. That’s why I never tell people. Of course, this is dream Lucy. She has faith in me and loves me because that’s what my subconscious wants from her. How fucking pathetic is that? I have to dream this shit up because in reality I could never have it.

Fuck. I don’t want to dream anymore.

The beeping is really loud now. Really fast.

“What’s going on?” Lucy asks. She sounds scared. “Is he all right?”

“You need to step out. Both of you.” Who the hell is that? I don’t know that voice.

“I’m not going anywhere.” Lucy
’s tone is firm, but there’s an undercurrent of fear. What’s wrong? What’s happening?

“Miss, you need to let us do our job.”

My head is going to explode. I can’t take it. My chest—

“Lucy, we need to get out of their way,” Hope says. She’s scared too. “Come on. We’ll just go into the hall.”

That fucking beeping. Why won’t it stop? It just needs to stop. It needs to stop. I can’t breathe. I can’t think. My head hurts. Why does it hurt so badly? Please just make it all stop.

Make it stop.

Make it stop.

Make it—

I relish in the peaceful silence as the pain slowly subsides. I’m weightless again. Floating up. Up. Up.

25

Lucy

I’m sitting on the floor in the hospital hallway, staring at the door to Park’s room. He’s not in there—hasn’t been for almost an hour. They took him for another head scan. Hope’s shoulder presses into mine. Our sides meshed snugly together. Her thigh resting against mine. I barely know her, but I’m so grateful she’s here. I couldn’t do this alone.

Though Bree and Jessie are huddled together in the corner, not far from where I sit, they feel miles away. Like they’re bubbled in their own little world.

Guy
is squished to Hope’s other side. Chase is standing on the opposite wall, his arms and legs crossed in front of him. The girl from the diner, Annie—she’s pacing in between us. Park’s mom, a pretty, middle aged woman with dark hair streaked with gray, is downstairs with Park. She was the only one allowed to go with him.

Mason went to get coffee a few minutes ago. I don’t need it. My body is wired without caffeine. Fear keeps the adrenaline pumping steadily through my veins.

He has to be okay.

He
has
to be.

I was so mad at him.
And now I don’t know if I’ll ever get another moment with him.

I need him to be okay.

I need him…

“Can you stop?” Chase hisses. “Annie. Stop. Sit down.”

“I can’t sit down,” she replies quietly.

“Then stand. I don’t give a shit. But stop pacing. It’s driving me crazy.”

Annie pauses, her eyes raking over Chase slowly. “I’m not good at this.”

“Come here,” he demands. She moves in front of him
and he holds his fist out.

“What?”

“Rock, paper, scissors,” he states as if she should’ve already known this. I can’t help but watch them. It’s so much better than staring at a door, counting every imperfection.

“Why?” Annie asks, confused.

“Because I said. Come on.” He starts pumping his fist into his palm.

“But…what are we playing for?”

“For fun.”

She shakes her head, but puts her fist out, matching his. “Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.”

“Rock beats scissors,” Chase calls triumphantly. “Okay, again.”

She smiles and shakes her head again. I rest my head against the wall as I take in their game. Annie likes it, but she doesn’t want him to know she likes it. She rolls her eyes a lot, but that smile—even as small as it is—hasn’t left her lips.

“Why does paper beat rock?” Hope asks suddenly, pulling me out of my thoughts.

“I know, right?” Guy says. “If anything, rock should beat paper because it’
s like a natural paperweight.”

“
But scissors cut paper,” Chase disagrees. “Rock can’t defeat two things. That’s not fair.”

“Yeah, but a rock isn’t going to smash scissors,” Guy throws back.

“Unless they’re a pair of those plastic little kid scissors you have to use in grade school,” Annie adds.

Chase scoffs. “What drugs are you on? Of course a rock is going to smash scissors. But you know what a rock isn’t going to smash?”

“Paper?” Hope says slowly. She has a devious smirk on her face and I watch, transfixed as they all laugh.

How do they do that? I feel myself smiling even though my heart is pounding in my chest and I feel like I could throw up, or cry, or scream.

“Your argument is invalid,” Guy continues.

“What? Why?” Chase pushes off the wall, coming closer to our side.

“Because, if someone smashes the scissors, then how do they cut the paper?”

Chase cocks his head to the side, his blue hair hanging limply. “The paper was cut prior to the scissor smashing.”

“HA!” Guy jumps up. “Then paper can’t cover rock. I win. You lose.”

“Wait…” Chase narrows his eyes, concentrating. “But…the paper…the rock… Fuck it. You win. That game is stupid.”

They all laugh again and it’s just as mesmerizing as the first time. Guy settles back down next to Hope. Chase follows him, and then Annie scoots in to his side.

We’re all staring at the door again.

The squeaking of shoes makes us all turn our heads. Mason’s heading down the hall toward us, carefully holding a box. When he sits it down in front of Hope, he grins, pulling out a bag of Skittles. She kisses him before taking the bag. “Thanks.”

Mason winks at her. He starts handing cups out. When he gives me mine, he pauses, looking back inside the box. He pulls out a little pack of powdered donuts. “I didn’t know what you liked, but Hope had mentioned donuts…?”

I look over at Hope, then back to Mason. “No. That’s great. Thank you.”

“No problem.”

Hope leans into me, her mouth close to my ear. “You see?”

I nod. “Yeah. He’s pretty great.”

“Isn’t it weird how what works for one person doesn’t work for another? We’re all so different. Looking for different things.”

I nod again. I think I know what she means.
I just don’t know what it is exactly that I’m looking for.

I hear the wheels rolling our way from a distance. Before I realize I’ve made the decision to do so, I’m on my feet. I pull my hair over one shoulder, twisting it just to give my shaking hands something to do.
My dad says these are the situations that make a person. How you act when things are bad.

The way my stomach is twisting makes me wonder what kind of person I am.

All I can focus on is the sound of those wheels. Getting closer.

Closer.

Park’s mom comes around the corner first. I search her face for some hint. But then the large hospital bed is there and I move forward. Park’s still unconscious. His puffy purple eyes closed tightly.

“
They said the scans look good,” Mrs. Reed says and something in the air changes. Like we all may have exhaled at once. “They’re going to monitor him for a while.”

I reach out and let my fingers trail over his hand—the only part that isn’t covered in bruises.
That strikes me as strange.

Why aren’t his hands bruised?

When he hit that guy at the diner, his knuckles split.

Oh, my God. He didn’t fight back
.

Why didn’t he fight back?

“Who’s first?” Mrs. Reed asks, holding the door open.

“Only two at a time,” the nurse reminds us as she passes.

Everyone looks at me and I shake my head. “I’ll go later,” I say. “I just… I need a minute.”

Hope moves around me, not willing to wait for her turn. Mason settles back against the wall and Guy touches my elbow. “Are you sure?”

“I’m sure. Go ahead.”

“You okay?” Annie asks. It takes me a second to understand she’s talking to me. I look back at her and shake my head.

“What’s wrong, Lu?” Chase eyes me with concern and I don’t know what to say. Did they notice it too? Have they already discerned that Park let three guys beat him to the point of unconsciousness?

He could have died.

I feel sick.

“Hey,” Chase says softly. “He’s okay.” He touches my arm and I feel my lip tremble.

“He didn’t defend himself.”

“What? I thought you didn’t see—”

“I didn’t.” I shouldn’t have said that. He didn’t know. I shouldn’t have pointed it out. What the hell’s wrong with me? Do I want someone else to share this new fear building in my chest so badly that I throw out Park’s personal business to his friends? That’s not right.

“I didn’t,” I repeat. “Never mind. I’m really tired.”

And confused. But I don’t say that aloud. Instead, I go back and sit in my spot. I lean my head and close my eyes.

26

Park

I open my eyes when I hear movement. Mason pauses, a bag in his hand. What the fuck is he doing here? I’m in enough pain already.

“Hey. Sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you up.” He holds up the bag. “
Clean clothes. Guy said you asked for them. Everybody crashed out, so…”