BEFORE (10 page)

“You said it yourself, Lina and Ryker are in so much trouble,” I insist.

She flicks out her wrists as if it’s no big deal. I huff. I wish Kyra would take things more seriously sometimes. 

“Don’t you ever get bored with all this?” She uses her hands to dismissively sweep away the scene before us. 

Kyra’s never content. She’s always doing little things to ‘make life more exciting’. Why can’t she be excited and happy with what she has? 

“No. Things are going to change soon enough.
After our bindings
.” I stress the last sentence, hoping she gets my point.

Kyra watches Beck for a moment before speaking. “Maybe he’s not right for you. I mean, everyone else wants to break the rules and stuff. Maybe you guys aren’t compatible. It happens sometimes. Better to find out now, before you’re bound, and not have to go through the embarrassment of a public trial because he decided he likes someone else.”

Her words bore into my brain and stop me cold. Not compatible? That’s impossible. How can someone who makes me so happy not be my perfect mate? Besides, Bethina says Beck and I are two sides of a coin—stuck together with no way to pry us apart. We’re perfect for each other, which is why the State placed us together at such a young age. There will never be anyone else for me.

There’s a commotion across the room. Maz runs toward us, his light brown hair damp from melting snow. No wonder Kyra likes him—he’s a ball of perpetual motion. Definitely not boring. Beck intercepts him half-way across the room and Maz gestures wildly before they beeline for our table. 

“C’mon,” Maz puffs. “I have it all set up.”

The thought of being outside, where we were attacked, sends a chill through me. “I’m hungry. You guys go,” I say and shove a forkful of vegetables in my mouth.

Kyra lifts her head lazily. “Lark doesn’t want to do anything. She’s deso.”

Maz flashes his lop-sided grin at me. “C’mon, Lark. It’ll be fun. I’ll even let you pelt me a few times.”

I shake my head. There’s no way I’m going back out there. Not until I have to. 

Maz and Kyra exchange a look I can’t decipher. “I thought it would cheer you up,” Maz says. “After missing the assessment and…”

“Thanks. But I don’t need cheering up. I’m fine. Really.” My voice cracks slightly. 

Beck takes the seat next to me. His fingers skim the back of my hand as he leans into me, and whispers, “I’m not exactly eager to go back out there, either.”

Sometimes, we’re so in sync, it’s like he really does know my heart. And that’s all the proof I need to know we’re meant for each other. 

#

Bethina raps on the door twice, before sticking her head in. “May I come in?”

“Of course,” I answer.

I’m sitting at my desk, books spread out, trying to focus on my homework. But the only thing I’ve accomplished so far is wondering why Beck isn’t home yet. He was supposed to be done with practice fifteen minutes ago and if he doesn’t show up soon, my wristlet is going to have a dent from me hitting it every minute, pinging him.

“Are you okay?” As soon as I got home, Bethina nearly hugged the life out of me. I can’t remember her ever acting like that before—scared and relieved at the same time.

“My head still hurts.” All the stress today left me with a raging headache. 

She fishes two tiny pills from her pocket. “Dr. Hanson said to take these if the pain becomes unbearable.”

“I’m okay. Really.” I eye the medicine suspiciously. I think, in my entire life, I’ve had maybe two colds, and have never taken drugs before. A glowing testament to the medical training Bethina, as a caregiver, received from the State. 

She sets the pills on the desk. “I know how you feel about medicine, but just in case. They’ll help you feel better.”

She rests her hand on my desk and I touch it.

“I was scared,” I say softly, out loud for the first time.

Bethina’s comforting arms reach around me and fold me against her stomach. “Oh, sweet child, of course you were.” She strokes the back of my head and two fat tears sit in the corners of my eyes. 

“But Beck—he was so brave, B. You should have seen him. He didn’t falter.”

Bethina steps back and holds me at arm’s length. “Now you listen to me. You are just as brave as Beck Channing. You are just as strong.”

I shake my head. “No. I hid.”

“Didn’t I hear you say you joined him up there on the hill?”

“Yes.”

“That took courage, Lark. Not many people would.”

I don’t tell her I only did it for Beck. That I couldn’t abandon him. It had more to do with my concern for him than bravery.

She dabs my eyes with the sleeve of her tunic before turning her attention to Beck’s side of the room. “He’s never going to learn to pick up after himself, is he?”

I shake my head. The movement rattles the inside of my head and I wince. “Good thing he has us.”

A sadness falls across Bethina’s face. “You’ll both be gone soon.”

As excited as I am about moving on, leaving Bethina behind is the one thing I’m not looking forward to. Only lately have I begun to truly appreciate what she does for us, how much she cares for us.

“Look at me, getting all teary-eyed over you growing up.” She bends and picks some of Beck’s discarded clothes up off the floor. 

“I’ll miss you too, B. But I’ll make Beck come back and visit.” I smile at her, hoping to ease some of her sadness. “We’ll ohhh and awww over your new house of babies. And who knows, maybe one of our children will be assigned to you.”

“I hope you visit. I really do.” 

She shifts her weight and stares into the distance. “Lark.” Seriousness peppers her voice. “I know you don’t feel well, but I need to ask you a question, and I need an honest answer.”

I meet her eyes. “Of course.”

“After what happened with Ryker and Lina…” She hesitates. “Have you and Beck been…involved?”

Swallow me whole, floor. Please. “No. Never.”

She nods her head curtly. “Good. I don’t want you to mess up your placement.” She pats my arm. “You’re a responsible girl. I trust you to do the right thing.”

As she walks toward the door, I ask, “What would happen if we did?”

Bethina freezes midstride. She turns slowly and I glimpse a hint of panic in her bottomless brown eyes. “What do you mean?”

“What would happen? He’s my selected mate. We’re both Founder descendants. There is no one else suitable for either of us. The State won’t let us be Singletons.”

“Why are you asking me this?” She switches from cautious to accusatory. “What have you done?”

I hold up my hands, eyes wide, and shake my head. “Nothing. I swear. But we share a room. What message do you think that sends? It’s okay for us to be together, to sleep in the same room, but we can’t be intimate even though we’re going to be bound in a few weeks. It’s not fair, B.” I cross my arms. “And it’s hard.”

Color drains from her face. “Lark, listen to me. You can never, ever break the rules. Do you understand?” Her eyes study me before continuing. “You’d let everyone down. You’re supposed to be a leader and the others look up to you. You need to set an example.”

That’s what it always comes back to—doing what’s right. 

“They will separate you,” she whispers, so softly I can barely hear the words. “If the State suspects…” She pauses. “Lark, please. I’m begging you.”

Bumping and banging from the hallway announces Beck’s arrival. He bursts into the room and drops his gear on the floor—in the exact spot Bethina just picked up.

His gaze bounces between Bethina and me. It’s obvious we were having a heated discussion. 

Bethina sighs. “You know how to make an entrance, don’t you?” She collects the rest of his dirty laundry and carries the pile to the door. “Don’t stay up too late.”

She doesn’t look at me, but I can tell our conversation has her worried. Maybe it’s nothing more than being upset over Ryker and Lina. Or maybe she knows about Kyra and Maz but is afraid they’ll be separated too. Having students separated for inappropriate sexual conduct reflects badly on Bethina as housemother. Some have lost their jobs over it.

She pulls the door shut behind her. I can’t help but feel like she’s happy to have an excuse to leave. 

“What was that?” Beck asks.

I shrug. I’m too embarrassed to tell him the truth—that
I
wanted to know what would happen to us if we broke the rules. “She’s upset about Ryker and Lina, and wanted to reinforce that we must abide by the rules. We have to be an example.”

Sweat glistens on his face and snow melts into his golden hair. I walk to my dresser to get a towel. “You’re soaking wet,” I say, turning to toss the towel to him.

My breath hitches in my throat. Beck stands just a few feet from me, his olive eyes devouring me. He’s peeled off his damp shirt and tossed it on his desk chair. 

Even without Bethina’s lecture, I absolutely know we shouldn’t do anything. But I want Beck to kiss me. And more than anything, I want to kiss him. 

My pulse accelerates as I try to avoid staring at his bare, muscular torso. 

Beck plucks the towel from my outstretched hand as if afraid to touch me and runs it over his face. A little longer than necessary, I think. 

“Thanks.” With that one small word, he’s brought us back from the brink of…what? Staring at each other? That hardly seems scandalous. 

“What took you so long?” I say, trying to act like I’m not at all distracted by his shirtlessness.”I was worried.”

“Practice ran late.” 

Leave it to me to assume the worst. Of course practice ran late. It happens all the time. “You could have pinged. After what happened today, I…” The final piece of thread holding me together snaps and latent tears flood my eyes. 

“Hey.” Beck stoops over me and wipes away the tears. “We’re safe. Everything’s okay.”

Snot bubbles in my nose and I sniff. “You’re scared. Don’t deny it.”

He pulls a tissue from the container on my desk and hands it to me. While I blow my nose, he sits on his bed and kicks off his shoes. They fly across the room and end up near his closet. “You’re right, I was scared. They could have killed us.”

The memory of the woman pointing at me burns in my mind. The crazy look in her eye. Her shrill voice. “Annalise said they wanted me.”

“I know.” He flops into his pillows. 

Even though I know better, I walk to his bed. It’s always been like this between us and why should we stop now? Besides, Bethina didn’t say to stop. She simply said we couldn’t be intimate. 

Beck moves over to make room for me and I curl into his arms, my head against his chest. My heartbeat slows and I stare at the familiar cracks in the ceiling. My eyes land on the one that resembles a dragonfly. Beck says it reminds him of Summer Hill, his family estate. 

His fingers twirl a piece of my hair. When we were little, Kyra teased that he treated me like a security blanket, always playing with my hair or hanging on my arm. But here we are, and I’m the one who needs him.

“You don’t have to worry. Your mom will have bodyguards for you. You’ll be safe.”

He’s right. Our Society will protect us. What happened today was a fluke. The Sensitives won’t be able to get us.

I can’t talk anymore. I’m exhausted. The endless stress of the day, combined with my headache, has worn me out. 

I sit up and swing my legs off the side of the bed.

“You need a shower,” I say inhaling the musky scent of his sweat. It’s actually not that bad. In fact, I kinda like it.

Beck gives a devious half-smile and ruffles his hair. “Care to join me? I’ll let you soap me up, if you’re nice.”

“No.” I throw my hands over my face. Why is he teasing me like this?

“I’m kidding, Lark.” He climbs around me and grabs his shower supplies from next to his dresser. “Be back in a few.” 

I can’t come up with any sort of coherent answer before he slips through the door. 

Once I’m sure he’s gone, I bury my face in his pillow. Damn it, hurry up and be October already. I don’t think I can take much more of this.

7

Ryker stands in the entryway with the representative from State on his left and a bag of his belongings slung over his shoulder. He, Beck and Maz give each other one arm hugs. To my surprise, Ryker doesn’t act upset. After the hugs, he and Maz punch each other’s arms and Maz jumps on his back. Beck hops on top and the three boys collapse into a laughing pile on the floor.

 But moving to another house may as well be moving to a different society—we’ll only see Ryker in passing, if then. Sometimes, I don’t understand boys.

At least the State waited until after breakfast to transfer him and didn’t rip him away last night. I’ve heard of that happening. 

I strain to hear what the Statesman says to Bethina, but Lina’s hysterical sobbing drowns him out. 

“This is why you need to stop, Kyra,” I whisper. “Or that could be you.”

Girls crowd around Lina, patting her back and trying to console her. But Kyra and I stand away from them, on the stairs. She slips her hand around mine. “Lina’s not special, Lark. The State doesn’t care about her. She’s going to just be some low-level Stateswoman.”

“And we are?” I say, knowing the answer: I am. I’m special. Everyone knows it. But Kyra? She’s the daughter of upper-mid level Statespeople. Her brother is dead. And she’s not particularly wealthy. 

“Trust me.” She squeezes my hand. “They wouldn’t dare touch us.”

#

I follow a noisy pack of students away from the school’s main building and out across the sweeping empty space of the Presidio campus. Guards, armed with stun guns, now patrol the perimeter. Several even roam the halls of the main building, mingling with students. A precaution until the school finds out why the barricade failed. 

Their presence—a constant reminder of what happened—makes me nervous.

In the distance, endless rows of greenhouses cover the hills like a small village. This area bustles with activity in the summer. But now, in the winter, only students forced outside rush about.