Beebo Brinker Chronicles 4 - Journey To A Woman (22 page)

Jack shrugged. “Well, Laura's happy now. We're happy, I should say. And Landon never did anything but upset her. At least when they were together."

"It's been a long time. Maybe he deserves another chance,” Beth suggested.

"I think that's up to Laura, don't you?"

"Why not to him?"

"He wasn't the aggrieved party,” Jack said. “Whatever was unhappy between them was his doing. It's up to Laura to forgive, not Landon."

"Oh.” She lowered her head, a small alarm inside herself. But Merrill Landon had given Beth his promise not to visit Laura, not to interfere with her life. He said it was because he had no right to bother her. All he wanted was a link, an address, a reassurance. And remembering him with confidence, even a sort of affection, her trust returned and she calmed herself.

Before she could ask Jack more a little girl about six years old burst out of a door behind him and said, “Daddy, will you fix the TV? The picture's all crooked."

"Sure. Come here, honey, we have company,” he said. “This is Mrs. Ayers."

"Hello, Mrs. Ayers,” she murmured and came forward shyly, her hair long and blonde and floating like Laura's, her features dainty and her face fair, though she wore glasses like her father. She was shy and unspeakably sweet and small, and Beth thought of Polly, her Polly ... and of Laura and all Laura's reflected beauty and reticence. And she held out her arms to Betsy with a full heart and full eyes and clasped the astonished child to her.

"Oh, you're lovely!” she exclaimed. “You look just like your mommy."

The little girl backed away, frightened at her strange behavior, but Beth caught her hands and said, “Don't be afraid. You know, I have a little girl—” She stopped, suddenly wary. She meant to keep that part of her life separate and apart from this. “I was a good friend of your mommy's years ago,” she said, brushing impatiently at a tear. “We went to school together. And I'm so happy to see she has a beautiful little daughter that looks so much like her."

Betsy smiled. “You're beautiful, too."

Beth had to resist the impulse to hug her and probably scare her again. Jack had adjusted the television for Betsy in the meantime and he came to take her by the hand. “You go in and watch,” he said. “You can have another half hour,” he told her. “Then bedtime. School tomorrow."

Beth watched her retreat across the living room and turn in her bedroom door to say again, with the same little dip of her head that Laura gave before people she didn't know and was a bit shy with, “Good night, Mrs. Ayers."

"Good night, Betsy,” Beth said solemnly.

Jack gave her a kiss and closed the door behind her. He looked up to see the tears in Beth's eyes and, surprised, he said, “She's just a kid like any other. Except to Laura and me. We've got her pegged for President of the United States, naturally."

"I didn't mean to be silly about it,” Beth said. “She looks so much like Laura.,"

"That's nothing to cry about,” he smiled. “That's something to be grateful for. Before she was born I had nightmares that she'd look just like me."

"It wouldn't have been that bad,” she said, forced to return his smile.

"Not for a boy, maybe,” he said. “A man can be ugly and nobody cares. But a woman can't. Her whole life is twisted up if she is."

Beth gazed at him with a new respect. His words recalled Vega's shocking hidden ugliness to her and for a minute she was nearly overcome with the thought of her former lover. She concentrated on Jack for the sake of composure. He was a father, he had proved himself a man. He had a lovely child and a lovely home. He had Laura.

All Beth's stereotyped ideas about homosexual men were getting a bad jumbling. He seemed as normal, as comfortable to be with as any man she knew. Only, he wasn't normal, and it gave her an odd feeling inside. She asked herself how much he knew of her, and what he supposed she was doing there, trailing Laura after all these years.

They talked and the time passed quickly. He told her how he and Laura had met and how their love had grown and Beth thought, watching him, that Laura must love him very much to have let him marry her, to have taken his name and shared his home and borne his child. It amazed Beth that Laura could have done that, gone that far. Laura was not a selfish girl. She wouldn't have objected to children on that ground. It was the mechanics of it, the necessary intimacy between a man and a woman that preceded children that Beth could hardly picture Laura accepting. But she had and with this man, Jack, who faced Beth now over a friendly nightcap and described his life with Laura.

"The one thing I never thought she could do,” she confessed to him, “was marry anybody."

"I didn't think she could, either,” he said. “Gave me some bad nights till she said yes."

"I remember when we were in college together, how she used to talk about—about men."

"She didn't think much of us as a group,” he said and his eyes twinkled. “Chalk that up to Papa Landon. He set a sterling example as a slob. I had quite a prejudice to overcome before I could talk her into tying the knot."

"You don't mean you had to talk her out of women?” Beth exclaimed.

"Hell, no,” he said and laughed. Now that it was out in the open they both felt better. “Nobody could do that. I'd have been nuts to try. She can't be talked out of women and I can't be talked out of men—emotionally, that is. It would take more words than there are. But that doesn't matter to our marriage. Nothing goes on in this house that might hurt our life together. We keep the other stuff apart; it always comes second."

"Does Betsy know?"

"No,” he said simply. “It's not that we hide things, it's just that she's too young to understand, even if we made a point of it to her. She knows we have our own friends, she knows we go out occasionally. Like Laura tonight. Now and then she meets some of our friends. That's all. She's a happy kid, thank God. And we're happy."

"I'm glad,” Beth said, and she truly was. “I've been expecting to hate you ever since I knew you existed. But I don't. I don't even want to any more.. I'm glad things have worked out for you. Only..."

"Only, you'd like to see Laura again. See if she's changed and all that?"

"Something like that.” She looked away from him timidly. “Why did you come to New York, Beth?” he said quietly. “It wasn't just to find Laura, was it?” “Oh, it was a lot of things,” she said. “Laura said you were married. Or nearly married when she last saw you. You said your name was Mrs. Ayers. Is Mr. Ayers here with you?"

"No, he's in California,” she said. “As a matter of fact, we're divorced. I haven't seen him for quite some time."

'Too bad,” he said, but he said it too quickly, too lightly, without comment, and she sensed his doubt, sensed that he only accepted her statement to put her at ease, not because he believed it. She had no idea why she felt compelled to lie about her marriage. Maybe because she thought Jack would not let her get close to Laura if he knew. Maybe because she was at heart so desperately ashamed of the mess she had left in California. At any rate the lie was spoken and she had to stick by it now.

"Any kids?” he said and she shook her head, unable to speak the monstrous fib aloud. How could Laura take her back, how could she learn to love Beth again, hold her and come close to her, if she knew what Beth had done to her own children? She must never know and Beth realized suddenly that she had to keep the whole past in the shadows, to pretend it was no more real than she said it was. Or it would poison the happiness she felt so near.

"You must be a little older than Laura,” she said brightly to Jack, switching the subject abruptly and making him blink at her.

"A little,” he conceded. “Twenty-two years."

"My God!” she cried. ‘That much? I don't believe you."

He shrugged and smiled. “You don't have to,” he said. “But that makes you damn near fifty years old,” she said, incredulous.

"Damn near. Forty-seven."

"But you look as if you were in your thirties."

"Thanks,” he said with a grin. “You make me feel extremely generous. Have another drink."

She handed him her glass. “You look so—Joe College,” she said and he gave a laugh that was more of a snort of self-mockery and said, “That's going too far.” But he did look remarkably young and moved his spare body with a suppleness that belied his age.

She took her glass back filled and looked at it intently, as though in search of poise. “Is—is Laura in love with anybody, Jack?” she asked.

"Not seriously,” he said, studying her, wondering just how much she wanted from his wife.

"Either she is or she isn't,” she said.

"Well, on that basis,” he said, “I'd have to say she is. But remember you forced me into it."

"Then it is serious.” Her face was very pale and her eyes were on him now.

"Hell, she's not going to marry the girl."

"Has she known her a long time? Does she dream about her all the time?” The questions tumbled out of Beth and she was suddenly humiliated by her eagerness, her concern, and her gaze dropped from his again.

"She's known her for a while now,” he said. “I think it's beginning to fade. But they still see each other just about every day. They're pretty compatible."

"Who is the girl?"

He chuckled a little. “Betsy's piano teacher,"’ he said. “Betsy's getting free lessons all over the place. Very economical."

After a long-pause Beth said, “Are you in love with anybody?"

"You have designs on me, too?” he grinned and she blushed a quick red. “I'm always in love with somebody. How about you?"

She had left herself wide open for that and she knew he wanted to know why she was there and what she was seeking from Laura.

"I'm never in love with the right person,” she said softly.

"I'll bet,” he said, but though he teased her it was not malicious. “You must have been once,” and when she glanced up at him, he added, “to hear Laura tell it."

"You mean—my husband?” she faltered.

"I mean Laura,” he said bluntly. “She was terribly in love with you, for a very long time, Beth. Long after she left you."

"Is she still?” she asked. She had to say it; her heart and tongue would not be still even though the asking of it shamed her.

He looked at her a moment and then he shook his head. “Her life has changed,” he explained. There are other things, now. I don't know exactly how she feels about you any more, Beth. I can only say she's safely out of love with you and has been for a long time. We don't talk about it much. On the other hand, I think she'll always feel a special tenderness for you. It's just that you don't seem very real to her anymore. You're more like a beautiful dream that's over and done with. Something to remember with gratitude and affection, but something more like a mirage than a fact."

Beth finished her drink. “Do you suppose I'll ruin it all by seeing her again?"

"You could. Depends on why you want to see her,” he said, urging a confession from her with his voice, his attitude, everything but his words.

She looked at him out of tormented eyes. “I wonder if I could explain it, even to you,” she murmured.

"Try,” he said.

"Jack,” she said helplessly, “there's no way. I don't know myself. I won't know why I'm here until I see her face before me. Until I touch her and hear her voice. Maybe I'll know then, if I'm lucky.” She felt herself getting shaky and she stopped talking. He took her glass again and refilled it.

"She'll be along,” he said. “These things are never very late."

But it did get late. Later and later until it was after midnight and she could no longer bear to sit there and face him and keep her dreadful secrets from coming up in her throat and gagging her. She got up at last and thanked him and told him, “I can't wait any longer. I'll come by tomorrow. Please don't tell her I was here. I have to surprise her. Don't ask me why, I can't explain."

"There's a lot you can't explain,” he said mildly. “Why don't you spend the night?” he went on. “We have plenty of room."

Her heart jumped at the chance.

"Get up, you're on the sofa-bed,” he told her. “Won't take a minute to make it up."

When he brought her one of Laura's nightgowns to wear she took it with a sudden gesture and look of pleasure that she made no attempt to hide. He smiled at her.

"Still want to keep it a secret?” he said. “From Laura, I mean."

"Won't she see me when she comes in?” Beth said. “Right here in the living room?"

"She won't know who it is in the dark."

"Don't tell her, then."

"It'll probably knock her for a loop in the morning,” he said. “But if you want it that way."

"I do. Thanks, Jack."

"Sure.” He smiled at her, showed her where the bathroom was, and left her to herself.

She lay down after a while, turning out the light and lying in the dark. She didn't expect to sleep with her mind whirling and full of Laura, but she did. Very suddenly she dropped off as if a switch had been flipped inside her and stilled her thoughts.

IT WAS ALMOST dawn when she heard the front door opened carefully, and shut with a small click. She was lying on her stomach with her face obscured by crumpled bedclothes and the pillow. She heard Laura come in, heard her pause as she caught sight of the sofa-bed open and occupied, head her rustle softly across the room and felt her presence, her scent, only scant inches from her. The room was full of a deep gray light and Beth was sure it wasn't enough for Laura to distinguish her face by. She lay almost breathless on the bed until Laura turned and moved quietly away, going into her own bedroom.

Beth rolled over and gazed at the faintly visible ceiling with a tremendous happiness inside her that called for singing, shouting from the rooftops, hilarity. It made her smile at the ceiling and hug herself, and after a while it got her out of bed and sent her to the door of the bedroom where Jack and Laura were sleeping. She just stood there, one hand pressed against the door and a smile on her face, for half an hour. There was too much excitement and anticipation in her for the unhappy parts of her life to bother her. She never once thought of Charlie or of Vega.