Becoming Sister Wives: The Story of an Unconventional Marriage (32 page)

I had been the first wife in my first marriage. Although we were in the same church that I am in now, we never got to the stage in which we considered taking on a second wife. My husband and I believed the principle, but things were too rocky between us to consider a plural marriage. This meant that during our marriage, we never really had to worry about how we looked to outsiders. We were a young couple with three young children. It was easy to “pass” as Mormon.

When I started dating Kody, however, hiding the truth about my faith became trickier. When people asked me about the man I was dating, I didn’t know what to tell them. Since Kody often visited me in St. George, acquaintances were aware that he had children. When they asked me how many, I never knew how to answer. Should I say one, because that’s how many he has from his only legal marriage? Or should I admit the truth and say thirteen? I can only imagine what the reaction would have been if I said the man I was dating had thirteen kids!

Hiding who I am is not in my nature. It’s always bothered me that I have to lie about my beliefs, family, and lifestyle. It has made me feel like a second-class citizen. In general, I’m quite honest and outgoing. I have no problems talking about what is going on in my heart or in my head. Sadly, hiding my religion has been an unfortunate necessity. As much as I wished that I didn’t have to lie about my faith, I wasn’t entirely prepared to be as open as Kody hinted I might have to be if I chose to marry him.

When Kody first told me that he and my potential future sister wives were going to be on a television program, I dismissed it as a pipe dream. I didn’t question him or challenge him, but I remember thinking,
Yeah right, you’re going to be on TV!

As our courtship progressed toward engagement, I realized that the television show, which had seemed like a huge fantasy, was in fact a reality. If I married Kody, I would be signing on for this show.

This gave me pause. It was very scary for me. I had been through an incredibly difficult marriage and divorce. I had suffered through some tough times, and now I was being asked to open up about my lifestyle, perhaps endangering my kids and myself in the process. I didn’t want this. I didn’t need this. I just wanted to live a quiet and tranquil life, happy with God and my family. But I loved Kody and his family too much. I had asked God for a testimony that Kody and I shared a destiny, and I received that testimony. I wasn’t turning back.

While Kody and I were courting, I went through a period where I turned to God and asked Him, “You seriously want me to be on a TV show? This is what you want for me?” It just seemed preposterous. I know that God guides my life, but He seemed to be leading me down a strange and dangerous path.

I did consider not marrying Kody because of the show. I was searching for stability and simplicity. Instead, I was hurtling toward a big, scary unknown. I remember being very concerned about the consequences we might face when our show aired. It would hit me some days how crazy going public was. Did I really want this kind of attention? Ultimately, my overwhelming love for Kody, for his family, and my testimony that I belonged in his family won out. If our destiny meant being on a reality show, I was willing.

When my sister wives told their families about the show, most of their relatives came to terms with the decision to go public as long as their own families were not dragged into the spotlight. My family, however, was horrified by my decision. They could not accept or understand this choice. They found it morally wrong and personally dangerous.

Some of my family members think that the plural lifestyle is too sacred to show to the public. They believe that what I’m doing is sacrilegious. I’m muddying the waters of something celestial and sensationalizing it.

In addition to condemning the morality of my decision, most of my family was horrified by the attention they worried the show would bring to them. I fear that when I made my choice to participate in
Sister Wives,
I didn’t realize the domino effect that would follow. Suddenly, my siblings’ friends who knew me from growing up might realize that if I’m a polygamist, then my brothers and sisters are, too. Several of my siblings who are still in high school became very angry with me for outing them by proxy.

Of all my relatives, my mother struggled the most with my decision. (She still blocks my posts on her Facebook page because she doesn’t want to answer the intrusive questions that would follow. She isn’t ready yet to be as open about her beliefs as I am.) When I told her about the show, she worried that I was putting my children in harm’s way. She was especially concerned for them since my first marriage was destructive and unstable. I was just starting to figure out how to be a single mom. She felt that I was being irresponsible and not taking my children into consideration.

This was very difficult for me to hear. I understood her concerns, but I also knew that I was bringing my children into the most wonderful family I’d ever seen and giving them the best father imaginable. Although my mother will still be my mother privately, and supports me in every way she can, she wants nothing to do with the public side of my life. We love each other, but there is a distance between us that pains me.

My mother grew up LDS and converted to our faith when she was a young adult. Many of her relatives struggled with her conversion, so she has spent her life keeping her head down, feeling as if she had to apologize for her beliefs and try to not rub it in their faces. She hides her religion from the people around her and has to be careful about what she says and does. This has made me very sad.

However, after the show aired, many of my mother’s relatives
got a closer look at our world. They saw that our lifestyle was not scary or “out there.” They were more able to understand my mother’s decision to live the principle. Because of
Sister Wives,
my mother has been able to come into her own and feel more accepted by her own family. I hope that this change in her relatives’ attitudes will allow my mother to live more openly and comfortably.

Like my mother, my father was opposed to my participation in
Sister Wives
. Although he is retired, he worked a city job his entire life, and had to hide his marriage to my mother. When I decided to be a part of the show, I think he worried about what would happen to me as well. But after he saw how people reacted to us after the show aired—approaching us on the street, wanting to talk to us, and writing encouraging letters—he began to relax and opened up to the show. In fact, he agreed to be filmed dancing with me at my wedding. This was a miracle for me. My father, who had never felt comfortable acknowledging me in public before, was willing to go on national television and announce that he is my dad. Later, my father agreed to be in an episode about our hunt for houses in Las Vegas. He was there while Meri, Kody, and I were looking for places for us to live. It meant so much to me that he consented to be filmed. Of all my family members, my father is the one who most recognizes and acknowledges all the positive changes the show has brought about.

Since filming was under way during Kody’s and my long engagement, introducing Kody to my family meant bringing them face-to-face with the reality of my decision to be on television. When people started to recognize us, many family members shied away from me at public functions. They didn’t want to be identified as polygamists.

Even when we weren’t filming, many of my family members still wanted to keep their distance from me. My sister’s graduation,
an event I wouldn’t have missed for the world, was especially trying. Kody and I tried to keep our heads down and maintain a low profile, but we were recognized by many people in the crowd. People were lining up to talk to us and get their pictures taken with us. I felt terrible, as my only intention had been to support my sister on her special day, and now I was drawing attention away from her.

Some of my brothers and sisters were simply embarrassed by the people who wanted to take our picture. They hung back and wouldn’t associate with us at all. Thankfully, other members of my family thought it was cool, like my sister who got so excited when she saw how positively people were responding to Kody and me. I think she was really surprised by how supportive complete strangers could be.

Several years before I married Kody, when I was at an absolute low point in my life, I made a life list of all the things I wanted to accomplish. Since things were going so badly for me at that time, I allowed myself to dream as big as possible. Here’s what was on my list:
change the world, meet Oprah, write a bestseller, own a business.
I look back on that now and think, be careful what you wish for because you might get it—and then it may be something you don’t want. I can never underestimate the positive impact of
Sister Wives,
but there are days when I wake up and say to myself, “I don’t want to do this anymore. I want everything to go back to normal.”

Being on a television show really altered my entry into the family and into a plural marriage. Sadly, during the first season, many of our fans cast me as a home wrecker out to destroy Meri, Janelle, and Christine’s happy family. I try not to dwell on the Internet commentary, but since I think it’s important to interact with our fans, I can’t entirely avoid it. There have been so many negative comments about me that it’s been difficult to
shrug them off. People believe I have an ulterior motive—that I want Kody to myself and not because I love the family or my sister wives. People believe I’m manipulative and conniving. I usually place last in the “Favorite Sister Wife” poll.

I know I should be stronger and not allow the opinions of our viewers to bother me. But so much of my marriage is tied up in the show, it’s impossible not to be aware of the feedback and the audience reactions. I’ve had to be very open with Tim, our producer, and tell him that in certain areas he has to tread lightly so as not to give America’s women another reason to hate me. If the audience dislikes me, then we’ve failed in our mission to convey the joys and the stability of our lifestyle. We want to dwell on the positives, not only on dramatic things that sully the picture, if only temporarily. Any woman living a plural life will tell you the struggles that we have shared about a new wife coming into a family are very normal and over time things get better.

It’s ironic that the show itself was the catalyst for many of the troubles and struggles that we dealt with on camera. If not for the show, Kody and I would have married quickly and quietly with little fanfare.

The wedding became a storm cloud that hovered over us during the “couch sessions.” Things that should have remained personal and private to Kody and me—things that could have been beautiful and special—were fodder for analysis. I had to deal with the world’s opinion about the fact that Kody picked my dress. I had to deal with the world’s thoughts about him kissing me during our engagement. Everybody on the couch—and in the audience—felt the need to participate in what seemed to be an endless commentary and judgment on my wedding, the reception, and the honeymoon. For me, at least, it cheapened and stripped away the beauty of something special. I felt that because of the show, nothing had been left for me. Huge portions
of my life were turned into an open book available to public comment.

While the show certainly caused tensions to rise and tempers to flare concerning my marriage to Kody, it definitely paved the way for Kody and me to be open about our relationship. I don’t know any plural wives who have had the freedom to publicly court and date and enjoy their husband’s company in the same way that I have. This for me is one of the show’s greatest blessings. The other blessing, of course, is creating a more tolerant world for our children.

Not long after the first season aired, Kody and I were at a restaurant near our house. It was obvious that we were on a romantic date—we were holding hands and being our usual affectionate selves. The waitress kept giving us the evil eye. I didn’t understand her behavior. What had we done to upset her? Then Kody realized what was wrong. He’d been to the same restaurant with Meri a week earlier and been served by the same waitress. She obviously thought he was stepping out on his wife.

He wanted to let the misunderstanding slide. But I decided to speak up. “Excuse me,” I said to the waitress. “I know that you think something strange is going on here. I wanted to clarify the situation. I am this man’s wife. The woman you saw with him last week is also his wife. We are a plural family.”

Her eyes widened, first in shock, then in realization. “Oh,” she said, “you’re that family from TV!” Immediately her demeanor changed from frosty to friendly.

It felt immensely liberating to be completely honest about our marriage. While I had my reservations about the show when Kody first mentioned it, I now know that it has been a remarkable step forward for our relationship.

More and more people recognize us these days, not just in our hometown, but all over the country. While I’m not comfortable
with being called a “celebrity,” I do love the outpouring of support we receive. I love it when I see that someone identifies with our family and is able to see that we all have something in common. Still, it’s disconcerting when a person I’ve never met walks up to me on the street and starts talking as if she knows me, when she’s only seen me on TV. Sometimes I want to say, “Don’t judge me on the show alone.” But I never say this, because people identify with our struggle and our decision to open our lives to the world. I don’t want to alienate anyone.

Growing up polygamous has made me aware of all other repressed people in the world who are treated as second-class citizens on account of their beliefs, their choices, or their races and ethnicities. Living the way I do and being treated as I have been has made me extremely tolerant and open-minded. We all have the right to choose our partners in this life. Every adult should be able to choose whom to love and practice the faith of his or her choice. I hope that our story goes a long way toward making this possible in our community and for others who are persecuted. I feel confident that I will be able to check “change the world” off of my life list.