Becoming Sister Wives: The Story of an Unconventional Marriage (2 page)

Prologue:
Kody

P
ART
O
NE
: MATRIMONY

Chapter One:
Meri and Kody

Chapter Two:
Janelle and Kody

Chapter Three:
Christine and Kody

Chapter Four:
Robyn and Kody

P
ART
T
WO
: SORORITY

Chapter Five:
Meri

Chapter Six:
Janelle

Chapter Seven:
Christine

Chapter Eight:
Robyn

P
ART
T
HREE
: FAMILY

Chapter Nine:
Meri

Chapter Ten:
Janelle

Chapter Eleven:
Christine

Chapter Twelve:
Robyn

P
ART
F
OUR
: CELEBRITY

Chapter Thirteen:
Meri

Chapter Fourteen:
Janelle

Chapter Fifteen:
Christine

Chapter Sixteen:
Robyn

Epilogue:
Kody

Photographs

Acknowledgments

BECOMING SISTER WIVES

I am sitting in a room off of the grand ballroom in the Beverly Hills Hilton. I almost can’t believe I’m here. I’m a small-town boy, not some Hollywood superstar. This glittering place is a far cry from my current hometown of Lehi, Utah. The occasion is the Television Critics Association biannual press tour at which networks announce their fall lineup of television shows to the media.

Onstage they are playing a clip from a new show on the Discovery Channel. It’s about Greenpeace crusaders who are devoted to saving whales. It’s a hippie version of that channel’s smash hit
Deadliest Catch
. This is the kind of show the critics are expecting—the kind of show guaranteed to draw attention without polarizing the audience.

My show is a lot more controversial. It’s the first of its kind. Like the Greenpeace activists onstage, I, too, am taking a stand. But I have no idea how my fight will play out in the court of public opinion. I have no idea how critics, the audience, and the American public are going to react to me. I’m getting nervous.

I’m sitting in a chair getting my hair and makeup done. Makeup! I grew up on a ranch in rural Wyoming. I never, ever
thought I’d wear makeup, let alone have a team of people apply it, making sure I’m camera ready. The stylist asks me casually, “So what’s your show about?”

“Oh,” I say, trying to be as offhand as possible, “it’s about my family. I’m a polygamist and I have four wives.”

The stylist stops fussing with me for a second. I can see the shock in her eyes. I know what’s she’s thinking. I’m an average-looking dude who looks more like a surfer than a religious fanatic. How could
I
be a polygamist?

After I’m done with hair and makeup, I’m ushered backstage with my wives. We wait anxiously as the 120-second teaser for our show plays on the big screen in the auditorium. They’ve added some pumping music to the trailer, trying to infuse my family’s life with tension and intrigue.

My heart begins to pound. I’m breathing shallowly. What have I done? I’m about to expose my family to the world. I’m about to do the very thing most polygamous families live in fear of—I’m about to go public.

I know that I’m putting my family at risk. My wives and I could lose our jobs. Our children could be tormented at school. But I’m tired of hiding. I’m tired of living like a second-class citizen. I’m tired of lying about my life. I have a wonderful family—a perfectly happy family—with beautiful wives and beautiful children. I don’t want us to live the rest of our days in fear. I am about to ask America to accept us.

I grasp my wives’ hands in an informal prayer circle. We draw strength from one another, and from our faith in God. We renew our commitment to our beliefs. I steady myself. The world is ready, I think, to hear our story. The world is ready to accept us for who we are and not shun us for our beliefs. I drop my wives’ hands as we are called to the stage.

Let me introduce you to the real face of polygamy.

When people hear the phrase “Mormon fundamentalist,” they probably think about a small subset of our population—the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. For too long this organization, and the handful of abusive men who ran it, have been the poster children of polygamy in America. Until recently, the FLDS was run by Warren Jeffs, who has been found guilty of child sexual assault and is now serving a life sentence in prison. He ruled his organization with an iron fist, creating a climate rampant with abuse and fear. He not only tolerated but also promoted child brides. He summarily reassigned the wives of men he deemed unworthy to new husbands. These are not my beliefs. This is not my world.

While we share a belief in the principle of celestial plural marriage, I want to make it clear that the practices of the FLDS have no place in my universe. We belong to a different religious community, one that has several thousand members worldwide. In our faith, incest and spousal abuse are serious crimes, which, when discovered, result in immediate legal action.

I’m sure when most people think of Mormon fundamentalists they think of long, modest dresses and old-fashioned hairstyles—something you might see in an old Western movie. This only covers a fraction of polygamists. If we weren’t on TV, you wouldn’t be able to pick my family out of a crowd. We dress like anyone else—maybe a tiny bit more modestly, but definitely modernly. Our kids go to public school. They watch TV, go to the movies, play computer games, go to parties, and listen to popular music. They play sports, wear makeup (sometimes too much for my liking), and participate in school activities. Basically, my family is not all that different from yours.

Our sect is one of the more liberal branches of Mormon fundamentalism. Unlike some other fundamentalist Mormons, we accept the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as a
legitimate faith. We follow the same scripture they do. In most beliefs and practices, we differ very little from the LDS church. Of course, the one area in which we do diverge is in our belief in “The Doctrine of Celestial Plural Marriage,” which we call “the principle.” Although not every member of our faith enters into a plural marriage, we still believe that it is a crucial step in our personal spiritual development.

Celestial plural marriage isn’t something we take lightly or take for granted. It’s a calling, something we are summoned to by God. It’s a commandment in our scripture, fundamental to our belief system. Its intention and design is specific to our personal development and spiritual growth. Not all people in our sect enter into polygamy despite their belief in the doctrine. Some never find the right partners with whom to live the principle. However, when the opportunity for plural marriage is placed before us, and when we are called to it—it seems wise to accept.

Religion is by nature elitist. Everyone wants to believe that his way is the right way. Too many people, regardless of their faith, are small-minded enough to imagine that their beliefs, their doctrines, and their rituals are the only way to be saved or to know God. I’m not self-centered enough to entertain these thoughts. In no way do I imagine that my family members are the only people who got it right.

God speaks to each of us in His own way. He calls a person in that person’s language and reaches individuals in terms they will understand. What I’m called to do is not what you are called to do. I don’t consider followers of another religion any less worthy in God’s eyes or in mine. I don’t believe that what’s appropriate for one person is necessarily appropriate for all. The principle is my calling. It’s probably not yours—and that’s fine with me.

The principle of plural marriage is sacred to me and to all fundamentalist Mormons. It’s not something I’ve come to casually or flippantly. It’s not easy and it’s not something I recommend to anyone who is not prepared for the challenges.

Building a complex family from four separate marriages has its challenges. My wives and I have had to learn to be understanding, kind, compassionate, and patient. We have had to develop ourselves morally and ethically.

The demands on a plural family are far greater than those on a monogamous couple. Since we have to consider the sensitivity of other wives and other marriages on an everyday basis, plural marriage consistently challenges us. It makes us confront our shortcomings and overcome them. We have to learn to handle our jealousy, contain our aggression. We have to check our selfishness. There is no room for ego in plural marriage.

Although we know these things, we are by no means perfect. Each member of my family has his or her flaws. Every day, we must work toward a higher level of communication with one another. In the end, our acceptance of the doctrine of plural marriage allows us to transcend our limitations and become enlightened. It challenges us to be the best version of ourselves in this lifetime.

I know people probably misinterpret what I do. They probably think I’m wife hoarding—that I’m satisfying my carnality at the expense of my wives’ feelings. I know there are people out there who assume I’m some kind of macho pig. While this couldn’t be further from the truth, I understand that this misconception comes from the perceived imbalance in the practice. Why can I have multiple wives, yet my wives cannot have multiple husbands?

In the first place, that is not our commandment. Second, when my wives are asked if they would take a second husband,
they emphatically answer, “Not interested.” Perhaps there are people out there for whom taking plural husbands is a viable lifestyle. Perhaps there is a religion where this is a sacred way of life. But this is not our faith.

Each of my wives has come into our family of her own free will. Choosing to join a plural family has been their choices, their preferences. It’s something they prayed over, then sought out of their own volitions. Believe it or not, some of them made the first move, asking to join my family even before I proposed.

When I say I love each of my wives wholly, passionately, and eternally, I am telling the truth. I believe that with each of my wives I share a destiny and that together we five adults were predetermined to be one family. We believe on a very deep level that we belong together in an absolute fashion. We are meant to be.

So how can I love four women? It’s a fair question and an easy one to answer. Loving them is simple. It’s like breathing, waking up in the morning, putting one foot in front of the other. It’s one of those things you do unconsciously, something so deeply ingrained into your psyche and your way of being that you never question it.

It’s hard to explain
how
I love my wives to someone who is not inside the principle. The simplest analogy is of a mother who is pregnant with her second child and worries that she will not love this one as much as she loved her first. It’s an honest fear. But on the day her new baby is born, she loves it as much as her firstborn. She loves it independently of her firstborn. She loves both of her children because they are her children, but she loves them individually for their different qualities. She loves one because he’s a remarkable athlete but she doesn’t love him any less because he’s a terrible student,
even as she loves the other for her sense of humor and her scholarly habits.