Becoming Myself: The True Story of Thomas Who Became Sara (14 page)

I
t is amazing how we can develop and grow and never see it happen until we look back from where we came. That is what it was like for me in my twelve years working in Gilbey’s. The things I would learn there, and the opportunities I got to develop as a professional, gave me some comfort at a time when my identity was in crisis. Although much of my time there was boring and unpleasant, there were quite a few reasons to look back and to be grateful.

My first job there was as a general operative, or, roughly translated, a general dogsbody. I worked on the back of ‘A’ and ‘B’ production lines, loading bottles and cases onto the lines. I also had to sit in the crow’s nest, opening the flaps on the cases to allow them go through the packer, which dropped bottles into the cases and then sealed them before they moved along the conveyor belt to the palletiser in the warehouse. Another job involved feeding the Sig packing machines with flat boards, which were then made into cases for the bottles coming from the Jones machine.

We changed jobs every hour, but every one of those jobs was the most boring imaginable. I mean, how many cases can
you load, how many pallets push and pull, how many boards can you feed into the magazines without getting stupid? My promotion to the position of relief operator was not much better. Watching thousands of bottles of Baileys Irish Cream going by day by day, week by week and year by year was not my idea of an interesting and purposeful occupation.

The longer I stayed at it, the worse I felt, to the point where I developed serious anxiety attacks every morning before going to work. Some were so bad that I curled up into the foetal position and stayed in bed. I could not face the pointlessness of the work I did and craved something that would be interesting and challenging.

After several years as a relief operator, I’d had enough and went back to being a general operative, mostly for the exercise. To overcome the boredom and to stimulate my mind, I began reading. The more I read, the more I wanted to read. I also looked for opportunities within the company that would get me away from the machines, so I volunteered to train as a first-aider and as a safety representative for the bottling-hall staff. I was sent away on courses and this became a catalyst to go on and do more courses and to look for opportunities to use my newly acquired knowledge and skills. Things were definitely looking up. I also sought out every opportunity to chat with my female work colleagues, which would be the high point of my day.

It was shortly after I started in Gilbey’s that I became interested in the Jehovah’s Witnesses. It was whilst I was with them, that I acquired the discipline to sit and read with a purpose other than just learning to show I was ‘normal’. I was passionate in my interest in learning and growing. Indeed, it is fair to say that I was somewhat impatient during this period. Reading gave me a view of life and people that enabled me to
show discernment when dealing with difficult circumstances and it gave me the vision and strength to be different, which was very unusual for someone of my age. It did mean becoming rather serious-minded but never morose. It was during these years that I would seek out places where I could sit over a cup of coffee and a good book and just while away the hours, filling my head with new knowledge and new ways of looking at not just my own life, but the lives of those who had gone before. I was in heaven then and though I rarely get the opportunity now, I treasure the memory.

It was while I was in Gilbey’s that I faced one of my biggest fears and put myself through college. I graduated with a diploma in industrial relations. I was very interested in the subject and made it my business to attend all our union meetings. One particular meeting was to change the course of my life for ever.

The union had been negotiating a wage agreement with the company and held a meeting in which they were recommending acceptance of the deal. I was convinced that it was a really poor deal and that we would do better to reject it and go back to the negotiating table. I went to the meeting all prepared with my calculator and notes. I had it all worked out in my head as to what I was going to say, but when the time came for me to speak, I was like a blunderbuss. I got up and just rushed the whole thing and was a cause of great merriment. I felt hugely embarrassed and humiliated. I vowed not to attend another meeting. My message was lost because of my inability to speak slowly and calmly.

However, my prediction about the wage settlement became a reality, which confirmed to me that I was well capable of analysing complex issues and coming up with the right conclusions and recommendations, even if I found it
difficult to articulate them verbally. I resolved to do something about it. It was a life-changing moment as it made me even more determined to educate myself and to learn to write and speak properly. At this stage I was a practising Christian, having left the Jehovah’s Witnesses in 1983, and regularly attending church. Just like I had done with the Jehovah’s Witnesses, I jumped in with both feet and gave it my all. While study and work gave me a sense of personal worth that I had never experienced before, religion was my panacea.

I joined Lifegate Bible Baptist Church and had great ambitions for going into the ministry and training to become a pastor. I made it my business to attend every meeting and learn as much of the Bible as possible. I truly loved the studying and learned to study in a systematic way. I also learned how invaluable the importance of context is and this has stood me in good stead in the years since.

One of the requirements for preparing to enter the ministry was to have as broad an education as possible in matters theological and so it was that I built up an extensive library of all things theological and biblical, about church history and counselling, amongst others. In the Baptist Church, I felt that I had truly found a place where I belonged, where I fit in. There were many opportunities to teach and preach and I did so with great relish. I became a Sunday-school teacher and street preacher and door-to-door evangelist. It meant being out of the house quite a bit, which, under the circumstances, suited me very well. It did have its downside, though, in that I received a lot of slagging and ridicule but, such was the strength of my beliefs, that I was well able to cope with it all. In fact, it hardly cost me a second thought. Barbara was not anywhere near as interested in religious or spiritual matters
and though she was encouraged by our pastor to come to church, she was indifferent for the most part.

It was while I was in Lifegate Baptist Church that Sara sought some experience of life once more. In fact, her need for expression became more urgent, now that I was seeking to enter the ministry. I have since learned that personal growth plays a part in the development of gender identity disorder in that, as your personality changes, your true gender identity becomes more pronounced. So, I started wearing women’s clothes again and, despite my best efforts at resisting, I was unsuccessful in my attempts to overcome the need to dress.

This prompted me to confide in my pastor. His response was to tell me that we sin instinctively as children but that we get better at it as we get older. What this had to do with my problem I had no idea, other than to realise that he hadn’t a clue how to deal with my situation. I was alone yet again in my efforts to understand and cope with my female gender identity. I not only had a wife who preferred other men to her husband, but I also had to cope with the guilt of being a sinner and the guilt of wearing women’s clothes; something that is condemned in the Book of Deuteronomy. Of course, this prohibition does not apply to people with gender identity disorder, but I didn’t know that at the time.

It was while I was a member of Lifegate that I met Peter Parkinson, pastor of Leeds Reformed Baptist Church. While I was in Leeds I was introduced to the work of the Caring for Life organisation, a Christian outreach group that provided homes for teenagers who had been turned out by the social services. Some were drug addicts, others were homeless and some were prostitutes. What they all had in common was their need to be given a home and a new chance at life, which no-one but Caring for Life was prepared to give them. It was
through this organisation that I met a young fourteen-year-old girl named Mandy. Mandy was a prostitute and had
HIV
. She had been thrown out of her home by her mother for no other reason than that she was in the way. I felt that I could relate in some way to her vulnerability and difficulties, and all my preconceived ideas about the homeless, drug addicts and prostitutes were to be challenged through the time I spent with these young people. Being amongst them brought out my nurturing instincts and I volunteered to help out whenever I visited Leeds.

While I was busy developing myself spiritually, things were deteriorating in Gilbey’s. It is fair to say that I’d set myself up for the many wind-ups I experienced during my time there. I was undoubtedly devout in my beliefs but I was also a royal pain in the arse in that every conversation was about religion; and if they weren’t, then I manipulated them so they would be. I was all enthusiasm and no balance during those early years of being a Christian. But that was about to change and change dramatically.

The company was hugely successful in terms of making large profits and had experienced rapid expansion, but morale within the workforce was appallingly low. It seemed that, the more the company increased its profits, the meaner they were to their employees. People felt they counted for nothing and that there was nothing coming from the company that would enhance their work experience and motivation. There was little or nothing by way of acknowledgement of the workforce who had helped it to get to where it was. We had managers and supervisors who were becoming increasingly draconian, especially towards temporary workers, who were treated as second-class citizens by both management and other workers. I felt extremely angry about
their treatment and vowed to do something about it. I decided to seek election as senior union representative to represent their interests. This, of course, meant doing something far more substantial than just preaching about what was wrong.

The shop stewards’ committee, in my opinion, was not doing a good job. This led to a serious fall-off in attendance at union meetings. Morale was on the floor and there was nothing to be done, it seemed. It was during this period that I had been learning about Christian philanthropists and missionaries who brought the Gospel to the less fortunate in very practical ways and who brought about a great many changes and improvements in peoples’ lives, including the abolition of slavery and so on. I also learned that there were quite a few religious people involved in setting up the various trade unions. I learnt that I could be spiritual
and
give a practical example of a living faith at one and the same time. ‘By their fruits ye shall know them,’ became a personal motto and made me determined to preach less and to practise more.

I had seen enough to know that all my predecessors had no formal training or qualifications for the position they held in trust. Rightly or wrongly, I held the view that it took more than good intentions and being Mr Popularity to represent those who would depend on me to act in their best interests. It was with all this in mind that I determined to return to college and get the diploma that I had not yet completed. It was a truly wonderful experience. I loved every blessed day of my time at the National College of Industrial Relations.

After I had received my diploma in October 1990, I determined to put myself forward for election to the position of senior union representative, but how was I to achieve this when so many union members showed a dislike of my
preaching? This really was going to be an uphill battle, but I was determined. I decided to force the first election in over twenty years, which created a major stir, not just amongst the
SIPTU
membership but throughout the entire company. I managed to get over a third of the vote, which was absolutely amazing given how difficult it had always been until now to get any kind of genuine election and the fact that all those who voted for me were aware that I was a practising Christian. This gave me the encouragement I needed to stick with my goal. I was elected soon after as shop steward for the bottling-hall members. I was on my way. I had determined that a year from this date I would be elected senior union representative and I started working on it the morning after the
AGM
. I wrote the following on a piece of paper and kept it in a safe place:
‘On this date next year I will be senior union representative.’
And I was. The following year I was elected by a majority of six votes.

One of the things I am most proud of during my period in office was increasing my majority from just six votes to a unanimous desire for me to stay in office, including, amongst them, my arch rivals. I was taken aback by the level of respect I received from all areas of management. Their respect for me made it much easier to resolve industrial relations issues, with some of them seeking my advice before holding interviews with employees who had to be disciplined for one reason or another. At least here I was in a good place.

In order to make a significant difference as senior union representative, I determined that I would have to take a very unorthodox approach to how I fulfilled my role. I decided to think like a company director and line manager. I’d always had a hatred for confrontation and so sought to bring an approach that emphasised our mutual interests rather than the old
divisive mentality that had caused so much confrontation and distrust in the past. By doing this I was in a better position to understand the company’s thinking and how to negotiate effectively with them, but without compromising on my loyalty and commitment to the people I represented. I wanted to change the way in which both sides viewed each other. I never accepted that we were always right and they were always wrong.