Becoming His Muse, Part Three (9 page)

Hannah moves away to talk to other guests.

I turn to Sukira. “Why did you say such nice things about me? You hardly know me. You haven’t even seen my work.”

Giving me an inscrutable look, she says, “What I know so far, I like. As for your work, it’s already better than it was ten minutes ago, simply because Hannah Doyle is now willing to look at it.”

“But you didn’t have to…”

“Make the most of the gifts you’ve been given and accept any blessings along the way. If I hadn’t done that myself, I wouldn’t be here today.” She graces me with a second smile.

A moment later, Logan is at my elbow. “Congratulations, Sukira.”

“Likewise,” she says. He arches an eyebrow and she flicks a glance at me.

“Don’t ruin this one,” she says.

He laughs. “Maybe she’s ruining me.”

“Impossible. You are beyond repair.”

“Where’s your faith in me, Ms. Lyn?”

“I believe redemption may be in reach, if you don’t mess it up. I’m looking forward to that new book, Mr. O’Shane.”

A small group of women approach Sukira to congratulate her.

Logan whispers to me, “Do you mind if we leave now?”

“I want to see the rest of the paintings,” I say, leading him along the gallery wall I haven’t perused yet.

“I didn’t realize you knew her,” I say as I examine each painting briefly, letting the colors sear into my memory, letting the images blend with my interesting encounter with Sukira Lyn.

“In some circles this big city can feel like a small town.”

"What did she mean by all that about ‘ruining’ me?”

“Nothing. It’s my reputation.”

“For seducing young muses?” I feel very insecure all of a sudden. I look around the room. Has he seduced other women here? Was that who he had been talking to outside?

“You know it’s just part of the act.”

“Some of it must be based on fact. It’s difficult to entirely fabricate a reputation.”

He shrugs. Rather than salting a wound that will end up being painful for me, I simply add,

“Like I said, maybe it’s time to revise the act.”

“I’m really not feeling well,” says Logan, rubbing his temple.

“We can go then.”

We get our coats and head outside to hail a cab back to the apartment.

Logan doesn’t seem happy.

“Maybe coming here was a mistake.”

“To New York?” My heart sinks. I thought we’d been having a good time.

“No. This opening. I wanted to come to New York so we could be alone together, and not have to hide from anyone.”

“We didn’t have to hide here.”

“But I knew too many people here tonight. I don’t want to see people I know right now.”

“Because of me?”

He stops hailing a cab and grabs both my hands in his and looks directly into my eyes.

“No, Ava. Not because of you. Because of
me
.” He drops my hands and looks down at the sidewalk.

“Let’s start walking.” He takes one of my hands in his and we walk a block to a busier street with more cabs.

“Who were you talking to outside while you were smoking?”

He doesn’t answer right away. “An old friend.”

“And old
girl
friend?”

He shrugs. “Does it matter?”

“Not really.” Clearly, he doesn’t want to talk.

“It tasted terrible,” he says, pulling out his cigarette pack from his pocket. He tosses it into the next trash can we pass. “I’m done with it. It’s over.”

I want to say congratulations but he’s sullen and brooding. It seems as if more than the smoking is over, but he doesn’t seem to be in the mood for sharing.

“Do you regret bringing me here?” I say.

He lets go of my hand and slides his arm over my shoulder.

“No. I do regret some things, but not that.”

I’d like to cheer him up but I don’t know how. “Lowell seems excited about your new novel.”

I see a small smile. “He hasn’t read much yet. We’ll see.”

“But that will be good, won’t it? If he likes it?”

He nods. “It will be a relief.”

“I bet it’s good. I wish you’d let me read it.”

“Not yet,” he says. “We’ll see what Lowell says first.”

“When do you think he’ll get back to you?”

“Probably not until after the holidays.”

That makes me think of going away again, of being apart. Our time in New York is almost over. One more night. One more morning.

“Let’s do something fun,” I say, wanting to enjoy our fleeting time together.

“What do you have in mind?”

“Where’s the prettiest Christmas tree?”

He thinks for a minute. “Probably Rockefeller Center.”

“Let’s go there.”

“I’ve never done it before,” I admit.

“Never?”

“I was always too afraid.”

We’ve walked through the cold streets, passing Bryant Park and the mayhem of Times Square. Eventually, we find the massive Christmas tree towering over the plaza and ice rink where skaters frolic.

Logan frowns. “I always thought those people looked so foolish. So touristy.”

“You’ve never done it either?”

He shakes his head.

“Then we’re both skating
virgins
.” I give him a big grin and tug on his arm. “Come on.” I drag him toward the rink. “Let’s be foolish, touristy virgins together!”

We rent skates, slip them on, tie them up, and step out onto the ice. I land on my ass within ten seconds. Logan’s holding my hand so he goes down with me. We both start laughing.

“I don’t think I can do this standing up,” he says.

“Unlike some other things,” I joke.

Dozens of people skate around us as we do our best to help each other up. It takes about four tries and I’m giggling so hard I swear I’m going to pee my pants. Once standing, we hold on to the side rails and inch our away around the rink.

“I’m not sure this was such a good idea,” he says, his brow scrunched in concentration.

“Have you forgotten about the art show? About your manuscript?”

“What manuscript?” He bites his lip in fake consternation and then winks at me. “Okay, you’re right. It was a good, if
painful
, idea.”

He reaches for my hand. Tentatively, with knees wobbling, we hold hands and slide forward without help from the wall.

“If you hold me up, I’ll hold you up,” he says.

“Deal.”

Very carefully, and very slowly, we make it not once but twice around the rink. By the time we reach our starting point, we are both grinning victoriously.

“When’s the last time you did something for the first time?” I say, breathless, remembering the first time I met him, at the reading, and the words from his novel about first times and the flutter of the unknown.

He’s thoughtful for a few moments as we navigate off the rink and toward a bench. “I guess I feel as if I’m experiencing ‘firsts’ with you, Ava. It’s unexpected, but true.”

His admission makes me profoundly happy. Obviously, I’ve been experiencing many ‘firsts’ with him, but I hadn’t even dared to think I was making any indelible impression on him. He’s done and seen so much, had so many lovers, seduced so many other muses, lived a varied and sometimes challenging life.

He watches me as we sit on the bench untying our skates.

“I’ve felt things with you I’ve never felt before. Not with anyone.” Suddenly, his bemused smile fades and he looks away.

I reach for his hand. “That’s a good thing, isn’t it?” I want that smile to come back. I want him to be happy. As happy as I am in this moment.

“I’m not used to feeling this way,” he says quietly.

“You’re used to your ‘familiar pain’, I get it. But pleasure can become familiar, too, can’t it?”

He looks at me with that cool yet searing stare of his, the one that’s part of his act, and I worry that I’ve lost him to that hard, protected self he’s mastered. “Pleasure and pain are two sides of the same coin,” he says. “They tumble into one another, over time, even each other out.”

It’s my turn to frown. “Are you always this melancholy?”

“Except when I’m with you.”

You’d think he’d be smiling when he says that but he looks serious, pensive, even wary. He adjusts his hat and then stands up and offers me a hand up.

I take it, sensing he’s withdrawing into his contemplative writerly mind again. At least I got him to smile and forget about things for a while. I’m tempted to push things, to ask him about what he said yesterday, but I also remember my promise to enjoy myself this weekend, to make the most of this special time together.

“I still think you should get rid of that hat.”

He smirks and pulls it lower over his brow.

We make love slowly and deliberately that night. We come together, open-eyed and breathless, reaching for something new and deep that’s growing within us.

For two days we’ve lived in a separate world from the one we’ve come to know on campus. For two days we’ve lived outside of time building our castles in the air. Yes, I can picture this. Him tapping away at his keyboard, me filling up canvasses to hang at this gallery or that. But am I fooling myself? There would be no explaining this to my parents. Not in a way they would accept or forgive. And what about striking out on my own? I don’t just want to be handed from one man — my father — to another — Logan — without knowing that I can stand on my own two feet. But can I?

As we curl up together in bed, in this world apart from our everyday existence, we talk about the coming weeks. Logan will stay in New York for a few more days before flying to Florida to be with his mom, who’s on the verge of dementia.

“She still recognizes me,” he says. “Though she seems to still think I’m twenty five and a trouble maker. Whenever I see her she tells me I should settle down with a sweet girl. She’s convinced that love heals all ills.”

“Smart woman.”

“Did I mention that she’s going crazy?”

I stretch under the covers. “The smartest people are always a little bit crazy.”

With my arms over my head he takes full advantage and tickles me. I squeal and squirm away from him. After I avenge myself by tugging at the fine hairs around his nipples, we appease each other with some deep kisses.

“I’m going to miss you so much,” I whisper as I nuzzle into his chest.

“Then come with me,” he says.

“To Florida?” I laugh. “I can’t. Every year we go to my grandfather’s chalet in Vermont.”

“Are you going to tell your parents about me?”

I look away for a second. I feel him tense in my arms.

“Ah. Not good enough for the Nichols family, am I?”

He starts to pull away.

“It’s not that at all,” I say. “They just… I don’t know, they have these
plans
for me.”

“I suppose those plans include marrying the boy next door.”

“How did you know?”

He gives me a look. “It’s a figure of speech. You mean that’s literal? What’s his name?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Tell me his name,” says Logan, sitting up.

“Warren.”

Logan makes a face. “Did you see him at Thanksgiving?” he says.

“Yes, but there’s nothing between us. We’re just friends. That’s all we’ll ever be. I was texting
you
when I was with him.”

“Did you tell him about me?”

I shake my head. “Why would I? You and I aren’t even supposed to be together. We’re a secret. Remember?”

Logan looks serious and sad.

“Whenever two lives cross paths they bring their old lives with them, which inevitably complicates things.”

“What are you saying?” I sit up beside him and lift the covers over our shoulders.

Logan stares at me with a soft, sad gaze.

“For a while lovers bask in the glow of one another, a separate world they create for themselves, but they are part of a larger world, and eventually the veil between the two worlds must drop.”

A faraway look comes over him. He gets out of bed and goes over to his desk, where he jots something down in a notebook. At first I think he’s going to come back to bed, come back to me, but the words keep flowing across the page.

I fall asleep and don’t know what time he crawls back under the duvet beside me.

***

Leaving New York, everything feels different between us. In a good way. Deeper, stronger, more intense. Logan puts me on a train back to school, from there I will get myself to the airport to catch the flight my mom booked for me to Vermont. He’s decided to go directly from New York to Florida to visit his mother.

Our last kiss is passionate, dizzying, and a little bit desperate.

“I’ll see you in ten days,” I say pointlessly, since I’ve said it about ten times already.

“It will be a new year,” says Logan. “Anything can happen in a new year.”

I’m thinking along the lines of our lust story evolving into a proper love story with a happy ending. Plus graduation, the art show, Logan’s book publication and the slim but possible chance to fulfill my dream to be an exhibiting painter in New York. I can’t help thinking about a “new year in New York”.

Logan hasn’t brought up the idea of me telling my parents about him again. Once I graduate I can do what I want, but for now, it’s one shock at a time for my parents. Maybe after they get used to the idea of me living in New York, I can bring up the idea of my sexy, professor, ‘older’ man boyfriend. Maybe next Thanksgiving…

He walks me to my train’s platform. I find my assigned car. Outside the door, we kiss again.

“I got you something for Christmas,” he says.

I’m caught off guard. “A gift? But I didn’t think—
”

He puts a finger to my lips. “—I didn’t want you to
think
anything. I was inspired to get this.” He reaches into his jacket pocket.

“But how… When?” We’ve been with each other pretty much 24/7 this trip.”

“After I met with Lowell.”

He withdraws a small turquoise box with a with satin ribbon.

“Logan!” I don’t even take the box. I just stare at it, feeling my eyes twinkle with wonder.

He offers the box again. I take it this time, tug at the ribbon, and lift the lid. Inside is a thin coil of silver, a bracelet, with a charm on it.

“Oh, it’s gorgeous.” I examine the charm. It’s a tiny silver paint palette.