Becca (20 page)

Bert helped her and stood
beside her with his arms around her. She let her body move against his and
relished the comfort of his arms. “Baby Alex couldn’t breathe—something wrong
with his heart. He didn’t have the strength to cry. I never saw his eyes. He
never opened them, you know, because he wasn’t supposed to see the world he
could not live in. My mom and I buried him here. Alex’s family at least allowed
that. They also allowed me to provide the plaque. But you can see where I was
allowed to put it. They don’t want anyone to see it.

“After I…um…lost both
Alexes, I went to a different high school—you know to keep all of this secret
from my friends who knew all about it to begin with. Mostly it was to let my
parents save face. To insure that I didn’t do anything so foolish again, my
father arranged for me to date Greg because Greg was safe seeing how his father
was my father’s friend, and because Greg is as WASP as you can get. I dated him
because my father would let no one else near me. We looked good as a couple—at
least until somebody said we weren’t apple pie and ice cream.

“And what’s funny is that
my father hates queers as much as he hates niggers.” She put her hands to her
mouth, her eyes growing in embarrassment. “Oh, Bert, I’m sorry.”

“You aren’t speaking for
you,” Bert said, “you’re speaking about your father.”

“But I shouldn’t say
those words.” She sighed. “I started over, you know? I bought the car and I’m
using some of the insurance money to go to college. I’ve got the rest of the
money sitting in the bank because I’m not going to rely on anyone.

“I thought that Greg was
the one—well, I
wanted
to believe that, but in the back of my mind, I
just didn’t see us forever. I love him—almost, I suppose. But he can’t love me
even though he might have married me because he was supposed to. Neither of us
would have been happy. So I started thinking that I had to find someone else.
But how do you do that? How do you look for someone else? It’s not like you’re
shopping for a car.” She shook her head. “You don’t look for it. It just
happens
.
Comes to you right out of the blue.”

Bert watched her eyes
take him all in; he felt uncomfortable.

She nodded. “Right out of
the blue, Josh.” She stepped away from him. “So…you have no clue as to what I’m
saying, do you. Oh my
God,
Josh, if I have spell it out for you—” She
looked down at the head stone and touched it again, smiled and dabbed at a tear
that had started down her cheek. She looked at Bert now. “Do you know why I
spilled my guts to you just now—
here
?

Bert could not speak. He
merely shook his head.

“I could’ve told you that
anywhere—at your house, the Eat ‘n’ Park—
anywhere.
I told you here. Because,
Josh, it’s time I’ve moved on.”

“Moved on?”

“You’re doing it again, commenting
with questions.”

“Sorry.”

“I need to move on. Alex
will always be my first love, and little Alex—he’s a part of me that I will
always
feel.
And no matter who I am with that person has to accept that
these two wonderful people will
always
be part of my life and this”—she
indicated the cemetery—“will always be part of my life. But…I have to move on. I
have to allow myself to
be
with someone else. Greg was not that person.
I never brought Greg here, because he wasn’t the one. You understand what I’m
saying, Josh? I couldn’t—didn’t
want
to move beyond them until now, so I
had to say those things in front of them. Is that corny?

“I’m going to say more I
think.” She paused, her eyes moving around Bert’s face. “But I’m getting wet
standing here, so let’s go to the car.” She kissed her fingertips and touched
the headstone and plaque.

In the car, Becca said. “Turn
on the heater, Josh. Okay, now listen, ‘cause this goes along with what I was
saying out there, okay? Don’t interrupt.”

She sighed. “So, one
night, I’m riding past this gas station—I’ve gone by it a million times, and
never looked, you know? Then this one night I look and I see this guy who
catches my attention. I don’t know why—I mean he’s just a guy. And I’m looking
at him—staring at him and Greg says what are you looking at and I just say
nothing but he knew I was looking at something because he’s been talking to me
while I’m looking and I have no earthly idea what the hell he’d been saying.

“I keep seeing this guy,
and I feel compelled to meet him. One night I stop in and talk to him and it
turns out we click. We’re like
bonding
or something. I wasn’t looking
for that. Yet I
wanted
that…so I realize it was meant to be and I went
with it.

“See, Josh, all of the
sudden I began thinking that I could get past what happened…that because my
Alexes would be forever with me, I could move on.

“But, holy
cow
I
didn’t think
this
would happen. Not so…so quickly.”

After a pause Becca said,
“Okay, you can say something now.”

“I’m…” Bert struggled to
put his thoughts into words. The impact of what she was saying was still
sinking in.

“Shocked, huh? Josh,”
Becca began and paused, glancing at the headstone. She said, not looking at
Bert, “Did you ever want someone so badly that when they get close to you your
skin tingles, your heart feels like it’s going beat its way out of your chest? Have
you ever needed someone so
badly
that when they walk away from you it’s
like they take your breath with them? Someone who makes you feel so
alive
that
you realize you haven’t been alive for a very long time and that…that they give
you a reason to go
on
living?”

“Becca—”

She held up her hand. “Don’t
speak, Josh. Let me finish.” She sighed and pulled some wayward strands of hair
from her eyes. “I wanted you to know them because I wanted you to know that no
matter what, they are part of me, and you would have to accept that. Do you understand?
That’s a question; you can answer it.” She looked at him now.

“Yes.”

“Yes. Just
yes?”

He said, “I…what do you
want me to say? I understand.”

“No you
don’t.
Josh,
for
Christ’s sake.
” She ran her hand through her hair in exasperation. “I
don’t think you
hear
me, Josh. Or you don’t
want
to hear me. You
seem—I don’t know, like you just close me out sometimes whenever I say I….” She
shook her head. “I’m throwing out hints left and right, I’m practically
carrying a sign and you still don’t get it.”

“Becca, I—”

“Never mind,” she said,
shaking her head. “Never mind.” After an awkward silence, she said, “So, there
you go, Josh. You know all about Rebecca Abigail Smith. Do you still think I’m
a nice girl?”

“Yes.”

“You still like me?”

“Yes.”

“Let’s go.”

“Where?”

“Just go.”

Bert started the car and
they drove for some ten minutes in silence.

Becca said suddenly, “Josh,
pull in there.”

“Where, the McDonalds?”

“Yes. Please. We can’t
go
another mile. Park the car. Now—right
now!
”

Bert turned into a McDonald’s
parking lot and pulled into a parking spot. “What’s wrong?”

She said nothing. Her
eyes searched his face, her head tilted to one side, her lips glistened; her
breathing became heavy. She sighed heavily, as if to compose herself. “I’ve got
to tell you something I don’t want you to answer me—okay? I’m not requiring a
response because I don’t know if you’d give me a response or that if I would
like
the response that you give me. So hear me out and say nothing—uh-uh—” She
put her finger on his lips as he prepared to say something. “Nothing. Say
nothing.” Her face had flush to it; her eyes pierced his and her lips quivered
slightly as she began to speak again after taking her finger from his lips. “Josh…
you
have made me want to move on. I’m not going to ask you what you
feel—right now, it wouldn’t be fair because you’re going away and…well who
knows what’s going to happen to me with the goddamned cancer. But—ever since
we’ve met, there has been something between us and you cannot deny that. So I’m
just telling you that I am going to wait for you and when you’re done with the Army,
we’re going to move on together. Get me?
Understand?
Good. Now, so you
don’t misunderstand me, I’m going to tell you something that you don’t have to
respond to but I have to
say
and you have to
hear
. Okay? Here it
comes, ready?

“Oh…the hell with it.
I’ll show you.” Becca flung herself at Bert, her mouth landing squarely and
firmly on his and driving his head back against the window. Her hands went to
his face, her palms holding it in place as her mouth attacked his with vicious,
sensuous kisses. Her knee banged against the floor shift, as Bert’s foot
slipped from the clutch. The Mustang lurched forward, struck the curb, and
stalled, throwing both of them against the dashboard, their mouths still locked.
Becca was making mewing sounds, suppressing her cry, yet tears spilling from
her eyes warmed Bert’s cheeks. She pulled away, her eyes glazed over in passion
and took a breath, and then attacked him again with her mouth. This time her
hands held his head back against the window, allowing her to hold him in place
so that she could apply the maximum amount of pressure with her lips that were
open and covering his mouth. Her teeth touched his, her tongue darted in.

Then suddenly, someone
was pounding on the driver’s window and Bert and Becca gasped in surprise. Becca
propelled herself back into the passenger seat, her right leg hitting against
the dashboard and sending a flash of pain down its length. She cried out. Bert
sat up. Through the fogged window, Bert saw a blur of the person outside. He
rolled down the window when the person tapped on it again.

“What in the Sam hill are
you two doing in here? This is a parking lot, not a lover’s lane,” said the man
dressed in a McDonald’s shirt.

“Sorry,” Bert said.

The man looked over at
Becca. She sat against the passenger door, her chest heaving, her face was pale
sweat beaded her forehead. “Are you okay, young lady?”

“Yes,” Becca said,
nodding.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“You look hurt.”

“I’m okay, honestly. We’re
friends.”

“I got your plate number,
young man, and if I see you in here doing this, I’m calling the cops. You
understand me?”

“Yes sir.”

He pointed his finger at
them. “Now you get out of here.”

“Thanks, sir,” Bert said
and rolled up the window. He started the car and turned on the defrosters,
which were ineffective at first so they rolled down the windows.

“I’m sorry,” Becca said. Her
voice sounded strained.

“No, don’t be. I enjoyed
it.”

“Not about attacking you.
I’m sorry he
stopped
us.”

“Maybe it’s best that he
did.”

“Why?”

“Things were moving
pretty fast there.”

“That was bad?”

“No…but, we would’ve
probably ended up in the back seat.”

“Oh, listen you,
buckaroo. Don’t be so sure of yourself.”

“So that was all for
what—the kissing, what was it for?”

She smiled. “You
are
a
smart aleck. Yeah…you’re right. It could’ve gotten out of control.” She giggled
and rubbed his cheek with the palm of her hand. “You are something else,
Bertram Leslie Martin Junior.” She leaned back in her seat. “I didn’t get to say
what I was going to tell you.”

“I got the message,” he
said smiling at her.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“So what do you think?”

“I think… Becca, I—”

“Oh my God…you don’t love
me. I’ve made a fool of myself.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“You didn’t have to. I don’t care if you
love me, Josh. Really. It doesn’t matter. And maybe what I’m feeling isn’t what
I think it is—but you’d be hard to convince me. Don’t look like that. You’ve
got to understand, Josh that running away to the Army is not going to get me
out of your life. What I said about moving on—I’m going to with you. Love or no
love. So when you’re done playing soldier, it’s me and you against the world.”

VI

That evening, Bert
received a call from Becca who was in the emergency room. He drove to the
hospital to find her father and mother in the waiting area.

“What are you doing
here?” Bill asked Bert.

“She called me. What
happened?” Bert demanded.

“Her leg is broken,” Bill
said, pointing at Bert, “and I want to know how it happened.”

Bert was stunned at the
news. “I don’t know.”

Mary emerged from the
treatment room with the doctor.

“She’s asking for you,”
she said to Bert.