Because (Seven Year Itch #4) (12 page)

Chapter 18

It’s Sunday and I have to return Aberdeen to her father. I’ve let her call him each night, but I refuse to get on the phone. This weekend away has given me a lot of time to think. Although my heart is shattered, I know the only way to proceed is to remain positive, at least for my daughter’s sake.

After our latest argument, I’m more convince this temporary split could become more permanent, and I have to prepare for it, while still seeming to be positive for Aberdeen.

It’s quite impossible.

I’m miserable, and every time I have a second to myself I spend it in tears.

I miss my marriage – my husband, and even our fights.

Aberdeen talks about our weekend while I’m driving her home; a place I don’t feel like I belong at the moment.

I’m thankful the drive is short, because I can only pretend to be happy for a small amount of time. When I pull into the driveway I notice Brandon’s car is there. Aberdeen gives me a hug and a kiss before jumping out and running up the porch stairs. Like a good parent, I wait for her to get inside before I consider pulling away. I’m determined not to talk to Brandon, and if I can avoid seeing him it will be an added bonus.

I watch her continue to knock on the door, but he doesn’t come to let her in. This goes on until she runs toward my car to ask me for help. “Daddy isn’t answering. Can you unlock the door for me?”

I sigh, but know I don’t have a choice. Once I’m at the door I insert my key and gain entrance into the kitchen. Aberdeen follows behind me as I begin to discover the remnants of some wild partying. Booze is scattered across the countertop. Pizza boxes are left open on the kitchen table.  The faint sound of music emanates from somewhere in the house that I have yet to determine.

My stomach is churning for a lot of reasons. I’d spent a lot of time cleaning only for him to destroy all the work I’d done. Plus, this is exactly the sort of activity I didn’t want to see him taking part in.

Out of nowhere a female surfaces from the living room. She’s in a T-shirt with no pants, and it’s very obvious she isn’t wearing a bra. I cross my arms while feeling the life slip from my body. “Who the hell are you?”

She answers immediately. “Who are you?”

“This is my house.”

Then I hear his voice coming from the opposite side of the kitchen. “Oh shit! This isn’t what it looks like,” Brandon stumbles.

I grab Aberdeen and pull her out of the house without saying a single word to my husband. This is the last straw. I can’t take it anymore. All of my fears have now been proved true. I’m done with this charade. The final nail has been driven into the coffin.

He comes out of the house in only a pair of boxer shorts. “Shay, you need to hear me out.”

“I don’t need to do a damn thing for you. It’s over. Read my lips, Bran. OVER!” I get our daughter in the car and rush over to the driver’s side. He holds onto the door so I can’t close it. “Get off.”

“No. Not until you listen. I don’t even know that chick.”

I’m disgusted. I feel like I’m going to throw up. Not only has he cheated, but it’s with a stranger he probably picked up at some bar. He’s obviously gone on a weekend binge and I’ve seen enough to never be able to forget it. “I want a divorce, Brandon.”

“Shay, please. You can’t do this. I’m not with that chick.”

I kick him hard in the shin, and it’s enough for him to back up and allow my car door to shut. Then I throw the vehicle in reverse and haul ass out of the driveway.

In my rearview he’s standing up watching me leave. He seems distraught, but it’s probably because he’s been caught red-handed. There won’t be reconciliation. I’m done. He’s made my mind up for me.

It takes me half the day to calm Aberdeen down. Instead of going to my parent’s I’ve called Char and asked if we could remain at her house until I can figure things out. I know she’ll arrive home soon, but I’m not ready to talk about it. My daughter is a mess, and to see her in this much pain because of the affliction her father has caused makes me want to hurt him. She’s having random bouts of sobbing, and she rambles on about never being able to see him again.

I’m not heartless. I’d never take her away from him permanently. He loves her no matter how he’s treated me. His parents will still want to talk to me, so I have to consider how to keep them involved without interfering in Brandon’s life.

Char finally arrives. She’s brought a bucket of chicken and sides because she knows I haven’t made any attempts to cook something. Though I refuse, I’m thankful Ab has something to eat for dinner, because the two granola bars, fruit snacks and banana can’t be enough for her little body to feel nourished.

Char keeps Ab occupied so I can try to rest. My eyes are swollen, my throat sore, and I feel like my head is going to explode. Sleep doesn’t come. Instead I’m riddled with questions I know I shouldn’t dare want to know.

Unbeknownst to me, I pull out my phone and turn it on. I’m bombarded by a slew of messages and voicemails of which I know are mostly from Brandon. Opting to not hear his actual voice, I decided to read the text messages.

I read the oldest first.

You have the wrong idea. I don’t know that chick. Please turn around and come talk to me. She’s gone now. – Bran

This is bullshit. I’ve done nothing wrong. – Bran

I think it’s funny how you can judge me when you’ve left me high and dry. Let me explain before you jump to conclusions. – Bran

You’re being ridiculous. Answer your phone. I can get this sorted out in a few minutes. – Bran

I’m not a cheater! – Bran

Answer the damn phone! – Bran

They had too much to drink last night so I let them stay at our house instead of them driving drunk. Please call me. – Bran

Them being Tyler and some chick he picked up. That chick wasn’t with me. I know what you think you saw, but you’ve got it all wrong. – Bran

Now he’s trying to use another one of his friends to take responsibility so he looks like he’s innocent. I’m viciously angry and frustrated he’d go to such extremes to cover up his own actions. If she wasn’t with him, and he drove her and his friend to our house, how did they get back to their car? He’s blowing smoke and I’m not falling for it. As much as I wish this wasn’t true, I know what I saw. Plus, I also know what Toby told me on Friday when he saw me at work.

Aggravated and unable to let it go, I hit the call button and wait to hear his voice before I take over the conversation.

“Just give me five minutes to explain.”

“There’s nothing to say. My mind is made up. I can’t live like this anymore, Bran. I don’t trust you, and I probably never will. Seven years. That’s how long these ill feelings have been lingering in my mind. I think it’s best if we call a spade a spade. I’ll never be able to get past all the bad to look forward to the little amount of good we could have if we stay married. You and I are better off ending things now. I’m willing to be fair when it comes to Aberdeen. We can make arrangements to fit both of our schedules.” I pause when I hear sniffling.

Is he crying?

I’ve never heard my husband break down, but it can’t be mistaken. “You won’t even let me plead my case.”

“I’m sorry. This hurts me too. I love you. I think I always will, but I can’t do this anymore. I want to be happy, Bran, and you don’t have the capability of making it happen. I hope we can remain friends for Aberdeen’s sake. I think she’d like it if we could do things as a family once in a while, especially holidays and special occasions. She needs to be our first priority.”

“She always will be,” he manages to get out. “I don’t want this to end, Shay. I love you.”

The moment he says it I can’t hold in my own emotions. It’s the end of a future I swore I’d never give up on. I can’t begin to assume how long this is going to hurt. “It’s not enough.”

“I didn’t cheat on you,” he says.

“It doesn’t matter now. I didn’t call you to hash out this weekend. I wanted to be fair and let you know what I plan on doing. If we can come to a fair agreement I won’t get a lawyer.”

“I want you to move into the house. I’ll get my things out. Ab needs to be here, and I can’t keep up with it and work full time. I’ll still pay the bills, so you’re both taken care of.”

“I won’t let you do that forever, but I think it will help our daughter if she’s able to be in her own home while we transition to living apart.”

“I’ll stay at my parents.”

“Okay. I’ll bring her home tomorrow. I think I might keep her home from school until I know she’s okay.”

“Does she hate me?” He asks.

“No. She’ll never hate you. Once I’m calmed down I’ll make sure she knows this isn’t your fault. I’d never want her to have animosity toward either of us. It’s bad enough we’re breaking her heart.” Saying it makes me bawl. I can’t keep my composure while imagining my daughter distraught.

“I’m sorry I hurt you, Shay. I never meant to make you miserable.”

“Let’s just get through the next couple weeks and get on a good schedule. For once let’s try to work together.”

“I’ll do whatever you need.”

“Good. At least we can agree on something. I’ll have Ab call you later on.”

“Okay.”

“Goodbye, Bran.”

When I hang up I feel as if I’m going to puke, even though I have nothing in my stomach. I can’t remember the last time I ate, and I’m certainly not in the mood to rectify the situation. My marriage is over. I’ve failed at being a wife. I feel like I’m worthless.

Chapter 19

“She left me,” I say to Toby when he stops by. He’s worried I didn’t make it home after the wild night we had. While he and Cara were able to get to their apartment on their own, our other friend Tyler was in no condition to get behind the wheel. Since they’d come out in an effort to cheer me up, I felt responsible for making sure everyone was safe. Him bringing a chick with him wasn’t the plan, but both were too drunk to convince otherwise.

“She’ll come around.”

“No.” I shake my head. “She won’t this time. I screwed up. I shouldn’t have told you to taunt her at work. I think that’s what sent her over the edge. Then she walks in on that girl Ty brought here last night. She thinks I was fucking her. I don’t even know her name.”

Toby can’t believe it. “No way.”

“Yep. She came in and saw her standing in the kitchen half-dressed. What would you think if it happened to you?”

“I’d think my sexy husband was having his cake and eating it too,” he teases.

I’m not amused. “Screw you. Anyway, the damage is done. I’ve sent her a ton of messages and she refuses to respond. You should have seen her face. She was shocked. I’ve never seen her so upset. What am I going to do now, man? How can I get her to understand it was a mistake?”

He shrugs. “I don’t know. She’s stubborn.”

“I may need that lawyer now.”

He pats me on the shoulder. “Whatever you need. I’m sorry for my part in this. I never should have agreed to go to her workplace and taunt her. It was a terrible idea I knew had the potential of backfiring.”

“Yeah, well it’s definitely proving to be one of my worst mistakes yet.”

“So where are the two lovebirds now? I’m here to give them a ride. Ty messaged me earlier. He said he needs to get to his car and doesn’t want to ask you since he heard the commotion this morning.”

I’ve been sitting in the kitchen since the altercation. “I guess they’re upstairs. I have no idea.”

Toby finds Tyler and his girl and they eagerly leave. Ty apologizes before walking out the door. It’s not his fault. He’s single. He couldn’t have known this would happen.

I spend the whole day feeling lost. I send more messages with no response. Finally, around dinner time, my phone rings and I notice it’s Shayla.

Our conversation doesn’t go as expected. She’s telling me how it’s going to be. She’s destroying me with every word that escapes her pretty little mouth. Our marriage is over. I can’t even begin to feel anything but pain as the call ends. I’m sobbing like a little girl, and I can’t stop. The ground has fallen out from under me. There is no resolution for this outcome. She’s left me and she’s never coming back. I don’t want to accept it, but I have no other choice.

I should be cleaning up, but I’m unable to move. Hours later I manage to make it into the bedroom where I plop down on the mattress and remain until the next morning.

I call out of work and go back to bed. When I hear the kitchen door opening I’m elated because I know she’s come to move her things back in, and then I recall everything that has taken place. She’s not here for me. She’s here to make sure I’m gone.

My mom steps in the doorway. “Brandon, what are you doing home from work? Shayla said you were coming to our house. I wanted to know if you needed help with your things.”

I’m sad it’s not my wife, but also relieved in my current state that she isn’t able to see how damaged I am. “What else did she say?”

She comes in the room and sits down on the bed. “Enough. My heart is breaking for the both of you. I know this decision isn’t what either of you wanted to come to.”

“Yeah, well the damage is done.”

“It’s none of my business, Brandon, but I have to know if what she said is true. Did you have another woman here over the weekend?”

“Tyler did.” I wipe the tiredness from my face. “They were too drunk to drive, so I brought them home with me. It doesn’t matter. Shayla will never believe that’s all it was. I had Toby talk to her the other day at work. I thought it would help me get her back, but whatever he said fueled her suspicions. I screwed up so bad, Mom.”

“We’ll find a way to get it all worked out.”

I’m not certain she’s hearing me right. “No. It won’t work this time. She wants a divorce.”

I can feel a burning in my throat. My head starts to ache and I become overwhelmed with sadness. I bury my face in my hands and feel my mother’s hand on my back. She’s trying to comfort me, but nothing she can say will help. “It’s going to be okay. Nothing is set in stone. Shayla needs time to calm down.”

I want to think it can be fixed with time, but I’m losing hope. Too much has happened. Nothing goes right. It’s best if we just stop ruining each other’s lives. It’s what Shayla wants. For once I want to give her that. “I’m not going to fight her anymore. She’s right. We need to stop worrying about our problems and focus on Ab. She’s the most important thing to each of us. I think I’d rather have her as a friend then push her to wish she never met me.”

My mom doesn’t leave for hours. She convinces me to get up and gather some of my things together. She does the dishes and straightens up the mess my friends and I made over the weekend, then she fixes me something to eat and watches to make sure I get something in my stomach.

We load both of our vehicles, and I watch as she heads home with some of my things. I’m left alone in the house I’m about to leave, and it’s bittersweet.

I know I’ll be back to visit, but it won’t be the same. This was the home we thought we’d grow old together in. Every room had our own personal touches. I think back to painting Aberdeen’s room when Shayla was pregnant. We were very much in love. I was crazy about her. She was the coolest girl I’d ever dated. She let me paint all over her belly before we ended up screwing right in the middle of the drop cloth.  I smile for a second before I’m brought back to reality. There have been so many times I’ve neglected to appreciate the good things. Now that I’ll be without them I don’t know how I’ll be able to proceed. It will kill me to not be able to come home to Aberdeen waiting for me. I wonder if eventually Shayla will allow me to come to dinner to hang out with them. I can feel tears forming in my eyes again. Everything is gone and I’m somewhat at fault. Full of regret, I shoot Shayla a message to let her know I’m about to leave with my stuff.

The house is yours. I’ll be gone in the next five minutes. – Bran

She writes back immediately.

Okay. Thanks for letting me know. Ab is at my parents’ house for dinner. – Shay

Do you want me to leave the key on the table? – Bran

No. Keep it in case of an emergency. It’s still your house. – Shay

Can you make sure Ab calls me before bed. I miss her already. Mom wants her to come over Wednesday for dinner. Is it too late notice or will that work? I can get her from school. – Bran

What if we do every few days? I’ll have her Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday and then you can keep her Wednesday through Saturday morning. We can rearrange things if something comes up. – Shay

It hurts she’s thought about this already.

Yeah, sure. Whatever you want to do. – Bran

Ab will like that. – Shay

Are you cool if she’s at my parents’ house with me? – Bran

Of course. – Shay

Sounds good. I’ll get up with you Tuesday night. – Bran

The chat ends and I’m torn to pieces once again. Something has to give. I can’t live like this. I don’t want to. Never in a million years would I have seen this coming. Shayla did more than I ever knew, and without her I feel lost. One week feels like an eternity. I can’t imagine what forever will feel like.

I’m not sure what makes me do it, but I stick around until she arrives. I’m sitting at the kitchen table with my head down when I hear her come in. She sits her keys down on the counter before I look in her direction. It’s hard to see beyond the tears I can’t seem to force away. “Hey.” I say as she sighs.

“Hi.” I think she’s taken back by my emotions. Her eyes soon fill with sadness as she takes the seat across from me. I reach my hand out and take hers. She doesn’t pull away. For a few seconds we sit there in silence staring at each other.

“How long have you been sitting here?” She asks.

I shrug. “I don’t know. What time is it?”

“Six.”

“Maybe forty minutes.”

“Were you waiting for me?”

I don’t let go of her hand. If she’s going to let me have this I won’t end it prematurely. “Maybe. I’m having a hard time, Shay. I don’t want to let you go. I never knew it would hurt this much.” I look away to avoid being embarrassed when I lose it again.

She squeezes my hand. “You know this has to happen, Bran. We can’t keep doing this to each other.”

I disagree. “I’d rather be miserable and have you next to me then assume we’ll be happy apart.”

This shocks her. I can tell she’s taken back by my assumption. “You can’t say things like this now. It’s too late.”

“It’s never too late. You think I don’t love you enough, but you’re wrong.”

“No. I can’t hear this. You can’t change in a matter of minutes. I know you mean well, and maybe you think you can be someone else, but it’s not that simple. I’d rather love you forever as a friend than lose every part of us.”

“I’m nothing without you,” I manage to get out. My body begins to shake as I break down right in front of her. She’s still letting me hold her hand. I don’t know why it represents hope for me, but it does. I feel like she’d let go if there was nothing left to try for. “Please reconsider.”

This is when she pulls away. Maybe she’s figured out being close to me only hurts worse. “Bran, I don’t know what you want me to say.”

“Say you’ll give me another chance. Say you still want us.”

“I don’t. Not anymore. I’ve been hurt too many times. You’ve taken me for granted for too long. I’m broken because of you. Don’t you get that? Being with you makes me weak.”

“We can change together.” I say.

She shakes her head, tears streaming down her cheeks. She looks exhausted and I know I’m to blame. “I’m sorry, Bran. This is the right decision for me. It hurts like a bitch, but I think if we can manage to get through it in one piece we’ll both come out as stronger individuals.”

“You sound like your shrink.”

“I’m learning how to be independent instead of codependent. We’ve always had each other. We don’t know how to live apart. It’s a huge complication. Promise me you’ll try to see the good in this. I need to know you’re going to be okay.”

“I can’t promise that. Knowing you’re giving up on me is devastating.”

“I know. We have to be strong for Aberdeen. She needs us. We’re her family.”

I finally conjure up what I feel is the best smile possible. “Yeah, we are.”

Shayla reaches her hand over for me take again. “We’ll get through this, Bran. I need to remain friends with you. I care deeply for you. I believe you’re the love of my life. I’ll never hate you, not even when you make stupid mistakes. All I’ve ever wanted was to be your best friend. Maybe in time it will finally happen.”

I can’t take anymore. I get up from the table while recalling the last time she’s brought this topic up. I refused her over and over again, making her feel like a piece of shit. I deserve this outcome, and I know it now more than ever before.