Because I Love You (30 page)

I frowned, another tear falling from my eye. Was that what Neil did for me? Even if he had, that’s not what I wanted for him. If I had talents like his and got into an Ivy League school, I’d always wonder what might’ve happened if I’d gone. One of us needed to make a sacrifice, and it couldn’t be him, not after everything he’d done for me.

But then what would I do about Ethan? How could I say goodbye to the son I’d looked forward to holding, taking to Donaldson Park, and cheering on at soccer games?

“Can I speak freely?” Mr. Anderson asked.

I nodded then realized I hadn’t said anything. “Yes.”

“I knew your parents. Not well, but River Springs is a small town. I’d often catch one of them in the store or at the diner or something. I can promise you that until Jill told me you were adopted, I always just assumed you were theirs. Your parents
loved
you, like you were their own. And there are plenty of couples out there, like your parents, who can’t start families and would be thrilled to raise your son. You’re too young to have to worry about raising a baby, kiddo.”

More tears rolled down my cheeks. “But how am I supposed to just let Ethan go? I mean, I can’t just say goodbye.”

“You aren’t saying goodbye. You’re saying, ‘I love you enough to make sure you can build dreams of your own. And the day you turn eighteen, I’ll be right here waiting to see you again.’ This isn’t the end, Andie. This is your chance to not only find your dreams again, but to give the two people you love most in this world the chance to seek theirs.”

I bawled. He was right—of course he was right. This whole time, I’d been nothing but selfish, relying on everyone else when I should’ve been thinking about them. I did want Ethan to do and see and be everything. And how much could a sixteen-year-old orphan provide?

Though it shredded my heart, I knew what I had to do.

It was time to let them both go.

After saying goodbye and promising Jill’s dad I would be all right, I cried until I couldn’t breathe. Until my nose ran and sweat covered my forehead. Until I sprinted to the bathroom and left my lunch in the toilet. I bawled with my cheek pressed against the seat, the chill of the porcelain soothing. It was over. I couldn’t be Ethan’s parent. And I was not going to anchor Neil to the bottom of the sea.

Exhaustion overtook me before I managed to pull myself up from the floor.

I jumped when a hand touched my forehead then groaned at the pain in my lower back. My legs were numb. That’s what I got for falling asleep with my head on a toilet.

“Not to burst your bubble, but toilet seats are really uncomfortable pillows,” Neil said. His eyes were tight in concern, and his dark hair sat in messy spikes on his head. Seeing his face, hearing his deep voice . . . I’d rather burn alive, tied to a stake, than feel the pain ripping through my chest.

I pushed on the seat, trying to get up. Neil grabbed my elbows and pulled me to my feet. It hurt to not make eye contact, to step away, but I knew I had to, or I’d break again. I grabbed my toothbrush and toothpaste and took my time ridding my mouth of the old tuna stench. Neil’s stare burned into me. I cupped water in my hands, rinsed out my mouth, and wiped my lips on a hand towel before turning my back to him and exiting the bathroom.

“Everything all right?” he asked, following me.

My legs felt like Slinkies. Any minute, I was going to fall over. I opened the fridge, my back still to Neil, and grabbed a bottle of water. I fumbled with the cap, and my jaw shook. How would I tell him the truth? Already, it felt like the world was closing in around me, and I was running out of air to breathe. What would it be like when I saw his face—his sad eyes—when I told him I’d found the letter? That I was giving up the baby and calling off the engagement?

A tear fell from my eye when I tipped the bottle back to take a swig.

Neil had stayed a small distance away, but now he caught up to me in a couple big strides and touched my back.

“Andie, talk to me. Did I do something?”

I set the plastic bottle on the counter and met his gaze. As expected, the concern I found there, the dread for what might be going on in my head, broke me. I closed my eyes as another tear fell and took a deep breath.

Neil flicked the droplet from my cheek with his thumb. “Baby, please. Tell me what’s going on.”

“Why didn’t you tell me you got into Harvard?” I asked, my voice as shaky as a 6.0 earthquake. I opened my eyes when he dropped his hands.

He pinched the bridge of his nose. “How did you find out?”

“That’s not the point. Why would you hide that from me?”

“Because I’m not going to go. I didn’t think it was important.” His voice was calm, but his face was tight.

“Not important? Neil, this is
Harvard
. You can’t turn down an offer like that.”

“Yeah, I can.”

“You told me you weren’t giving anything up for me.”

He growled. “We’re not having this discussion. I’m not going. There are more important things that I should be worrying about.”

The lump in my throat nearly cut off my air. I knew what I had to say—what I had to do. Swallowing my tears, I gripped the edge of the counter and spoke as strongly as I could, “Not anymore.”

Neil’s face paled, and he stiffened. “What?”

“I told you once that being with me would only bring you down. If I don’t . . .” I covered my mouth when my voice squeaked. “I would never be able to live, knowing I kept you from a future like Harvard.”

He shook his head, and his eyes glassed over. “Don’t do this.”

I continued, my entire body shaking, “I love you. And it’s because I love you that I can’t let you give this up. I’m sorry, but I can’t be with you. And I’m putting Ethan up for adoption.” I was crying now, and I wasn’t alone.

Neil’s eyes had closed, and a tear rolled down his cheek. I wanted to run to him, to throw my arms around him and apologize and take back everything I said. But I knew I had to do this. To let him go.

I held onto the counter tighter. My bottom lip trembled, and I breathed slowly to keep from bawling.
I have to be strong. I have to be strong.

Neil ran a hand down his face, sniffling. When he opened his eyes, my heart broke into thousands of tiny pieces. He was in pain. So much pain. And I was doing it to him.
God, help me. Please, help me.

“So, that’s it, then? After everything, this is the line you can’t cross?”

“You deserve so much more than me, Neil. I’m not going to be your albatross.” And with that, I pulled my engagement ring from my pocket and set it on the counter.

Neil followed the movement of my hand. When I let go of the jewelry, he stepped away from the ring like it was a land mine and clutched his chest.

“I’ll ask Jill to come pick me up.”

“No,” he replied, his voice breaking. He cleared his throat. “Don’t put yourself out. I’ll stay with Owen.”

“It’s okay. I like being there.”

Neil nodded then shook his head. “No, this is ridiculous.” He moved so fast, I had no idea what was happening until my face was in his hands, and his lips were on mine.

A tingle ran down my spine. His kiss was powerful, urgent, and so full of passion; my head spun. But this was wrong. I couldn’t let myself give in.

I pushed off him with a squeal and stepped out of his reach. “Neil—”

He growled and dug his hands into his hair. “When I tell you I love you, do you think it’s because I believe you want to hear the words, or because I’m trying to start a conversation?
God.
” He flung his arms out to his sides.
“I say it to remind you that you are the best damn thing that has ever happened to me. And I will spend every last breath fighting for you.”

I whimpered. “Don’t you dare say that! Don’t you dare make this any harder than it already is!”

“A degree from Harvard, a billion-dollar music contract—nothing would mean anything without you. Every song I write is about you. Every note I play is for you. If you want, we can talk about what to do about Ethan, but I will not let you walk out that door.”

He’d stepped closer to me as he spoke, his voice strong and powerful. And now, as my knees weakened and tears blanketed my cheeks, his stare was unwavering. Neil was only an arm’s reach away. Could we still have everything we wanted together while giving Ethan an opportunity at a better life?

My heart fluttered. Damn it if we didn’t try.

I flung myself at Neil and wrapped my arms around his neck, smashing my lips against his. He held me close, squeezing me tighter than ever before.

“I’m sorry,” I cried into his mouth. “I’m so sorry.”

Neil’s mouth moved in sync, with a hunger I couldn’t compare. My body tingled from head to toe, and my heart swelled like my chest wasn’t big enough to contain it. Then as fast as the kissing began, it ended. He pressed his forehead against mine, let out a shaky breath, and ran his hands up and down my sides. My pulse had to be over one hundred.

“I love you, Andie,” he said.

I put my hands on his chest. “I love you, too.”

For a couple minutes, we stood there, arms around each other. I pressed my ear to his chest, and as his heart rate slowed, mine did, too.

“You owe me big time for stealing a couple years of my life with that stunt,” he said. “I should make you ad lib a
Muppets
show. Or sing karaoke in the nude.”

I shook my head. “How about karaoke in the nude? You play, and I’ll show you how terrible my voice is.”

He smiled.

chapter twenty-nine

After sharing what Jill’s dad said about giving Ethan a better life—and admitting that I’d been naïve in thinking I could be a parent—Neil and I agreed to start looking at adoption agencies the following week. In the meantime, Neil would defer his enrollment at Harvard for a year and work for Owen’s dad to pad his bank account while I finished up school.

“Until then, the only thing I want you to worry about is what would make you happy,” Neil said, running the back of his knuckles along my cheek.

We faced each other on the couch, knees touching. I leaned into his hand and closed my eyes. He lifted my chin and gently pressed his lips against mine. The hairs on the back of my neck rose. Neil kissed me again then pulled away, turning so both feet were on the floor. When he lifted an arm, drawing me close, I curled—as best I could—against his side. He stroked the edge of my shoulder.

“I probably need Carter’s approval, don’t I?” I asked.

“Dunno. Couldn’t hurt, though.”

I listened to Neil’s steady heartbeat, relaxing beneath his touch and with every smell of his cologne. It was funny how some sounds, feelings, and smells could make me feel safer than anything else in the world.

“You don’t happen to know how to find a number you deleted from your phone?” I asked.

“Nah, I’m thinking that sucker’s gone. Though I am kind of surprised you don’t have it memorized.”

“Not all of us have photographic memories, you know.”

“Yeah, you’re right. It is pretty awesome, being me.”

I shook my head and sat up, smoothing down my hair. “Too bad God forgot to give you a big nose with that ego.”

He tipped his head back and laughed. I smiled. I loved that sound. Then I realized what I would have to do to get Carter’s number, and my shoulders fell. It’d been months since I’d spoken to Heather. What did I say to someone who bailed on her friend?

Neil squeezed my knee. “Hey, you don’t have to call him tonight. It can wait.”

I shook my head. “No, I want to get it over with. Putting it off will just make me more miserable.”

He sighed. “Tell you what—how about I go pick up some food while you call? I don’t know about you, but I’m about ready to eat everything in the pantry. Including the shelves.”

The corners of my mouth twitched. “Sounds good.”

He kissed the side of my forehead. “Okay, then. I’ll be back soon.”

As soon as the door closed, I dialed a number I never thought I would again.

Heather answered on the fourth ring. “Hello?” Her question was slow, controlled. She never expected me to call her, either.

“Hey. I need Carter’s number. Would you be able to help me?” I cringed, ready for her to tell me off.