Beauty from Surrender (3 page)

I feel the tears coming and I can do nothing to hold them back. I'm alone so there's no reason to try. A scream threatens to burst from my throat. I bury a pillow over my face to muffle it because I don't want to alarm the neighbors. I kick my legs against my mattress like an irate toddler. I'd be admitted to the loony bin if anyone were to witness my mad fit. But it needs to come out. I'm in so much agony.

He could've asked me to stay but he didn't. I told him I loved him and he couldn't say it back. That's because it would've been a lie, and pretending is one thing we didn't do.

I can't help myself. It's one lie I wouldn't have minded at all.

***

No brunettes. I can never see another one without thinking of her. Laurelyn has ruined all of them for me. Forever. And she's ruined me as well. That's why I'm drunk off my arse in this hotel bar. I have to be if I'm going to do the only thing that might make losing her less painful. Find number fourteen, take her upstairs, and fuck her until I drive Laurelyn out of my head.

I was plastered five shots ago, so now I'm on shot number oblivion. I toss it back and slam the glass on the counter. "Another." The bartender gives me a sideways glance as he's deciding if he'll cut me off, so I reach into my wallet and drop a fat bill for him. "I said another."

I turn around on the barstool to begin my search. I have the hotel room. All I need now is a woman who doesn't recognize me. Number fourteen.

I scan the room like I always do and begin by taking inventory. I see a few decent-looking blonds, maybe a redhead or two, but none of them hold a candle to her. No one ever will.

I've lost the only thing that ever made me feel alive.

My thoughts drift to the place in my head where only Laurelyn resides, so I don't notice when someone takes the seat next to me. I'm brought out of my trance when I hear her voice. "Waiting on someone?"

I turn to the voice's owner and see an attractive blond with chin-length hair set in loose curls, her bright blue eyes displaying no recognition of who I am. Probably midthirties. Maybe closer to forty and dressed like a professional in a sheath dress and fitted jacket. She's just my usual type. Before Laurelyn.

I shake my head. "No one in particular. Just here to find a little company."

She smiles. "Me too. Maybe we can keep each other company."

Because I'm drunk, I have no reason to think I'm going to put this out there in an appealing manner. I don't know. Maybe I want to fuck it up so she'll blow me off. "I'm not your normal kind of company. I have very specific requirements for the women I date. The first of which is that I won't tell you my real name and I don't want to know yours. Honestly, I really only want to fuck and have a little fun for a few weeks and then I never want to see you again."

I wait for the slap or for her to get up and leave, but neither happens. "My, my. Aren't we a direct one?"

"I say what's on my mind because I don't have time for silly games." Isn't that what I told Laurelyn after she asked me if I was missing my filter?

"Okay."

What? Really? She's saying okay to that shit? "You're up for it?"

"Sure. You're hot and I need a distraction."

"A distraction from what?"

"The man I love." She glances down at her drink as she sloshes it around. "He doesn't feel the same. What's your deal?"

I won't talk about the one I love with another woman, especially not one I'm about to have meaningless sex with. Even I know that's not right.

"No deal. I'm just not into commitment or contact after I'm finished with a woman."

"I respect your honesty." She swallows the last of her girly drink. "You want to go upstairs?"

"That's why I'm here." I throw back my shot and get up from the stool. I'm a little unstable so she reaches out to steady me.

"You okay?"

I work to get myself straight so I don't blow this because it's what I need. It's what I have to do to get her out of my mind. "Yeah. I'm good. We don't have to stop for a room. I've already got one."

We ride the elevator to the third floor. I'm shocked I'm able to find the room because I'm so wasted. She has to take the keycard to open the door because I'm too uncoordinated to slide it in and pull it out. Let's hope that doesn't apply to my cock.

We go into the room together and I play tag with the walls before falling backward onto the bed. I close my eyes for what feels like a second and when I open them again, the nameless blond has stripped down to her knickers and bra and is straddling me.

She reaches behind to unfasten her bra and then takes my hands and puts them on her breasts. They look good, but even drunk, I still know they're fake because they don't feel anything like Laurelyn's.

Damn! I can't even get her out of my head when I have two palms full of tits.

She leans down to kiss me and I turn my head so that her mouth lands on my jaw. She makes no haste in trailing kisses down my neck. I shut my eyes because I don't want to look at her.

She unbuttons my shirt and tells me to sit up so she can pull it off. I do as she says and then I fall back onto the bed again. Her hands slide up and down my chest. "I'm glad I stumbled upon you. You are super-hot."

Her mouth starts at my upper chest and makes its way down to my stomach. She tugs to open the button of my trousers and then pulls the zipper down. I'm drunk as fuck, but I somehow manage to get it up. "Well, well. It could be a happy birthday for me after all." She tugs until all my clothes are a rumpled memory on the floor. After she finishes, she pushes her knickers down and kicks them to where her dress is lying in a puddle.

She climbs back on top of me and produces a condom from somewhere. I assume from her own supply since she hasn't asked me where mine is. I hear her tear it open and then feel her hands rolling it down over me. I reach up to rub my closed eyes because all I can see is Laurelyn in the pitch black behind my lids. Dammit! I want to forget her and I know this is the way, so why is it not working? Why am I still seeing her? Missing her? Loving her?

I feel the blonde's hand around me and know she's going to slide onto my cock any second if I don't stop her, so I jerk up in the bed and shove her off. "I'm sorry. I can't do this with you."

I get up and start dressing as she stares at me. She says nothing and when I'm fully clothed, I don't glance in her direction. "The room is paid for. You can stay if you want."

When I'm outside the door, I take my mobile from my pocket but it isn't Daniel I call. I want to talk to my brother; I need him. "Evan, I need you to come get me."

"Do you know what time it is?" he grumbles.

"No, and I don't give a shit. Come pick me up at the Langford."

I get into the passenger side of my brother's kiddie-hauling SUV. He takes one look at me and shakes his head as he begins laughing. "You look like shit."

Just what I need to hear. "Fuck you."

He looks me over. "What the hell have you been doing?"

I stare out the window. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Well, then why did you call me to come get you at this time of night if you didn't want to talk? It's not like you don't have Daniel on salary to drive your drunk arse home."

I'm starting to regret calling him. I don't know what I was thinking. "Maybe I should have."

"Yeah, that's right. Maybe you should have." He pulls out onto the street in the direction of my apartment. "When did you get back into town?"

"Today."

"Mum's going nuts trying to get you. She's dying to know what happened with Laurelyn." I don't reply. "That's what all of this is about, isn't it? You asked her to stay and she told you no."

"You're wrong."

"Then what happened?"

It hurts to say it. "She left without telling me goodbye."

"Fuck! That bitch is cold."

"Don't call her that," I warn my brother. "You don't know anything about the way it went down."

"Does it matter if she fucked off without telling you so much as kiss my arse?"

"Yeah, it sort of does matter. It makes all the difference in the world. We had a complicated relationship topped off with a stupid misunderstanding."

"How complicated could it be? She was here for three months. You hung out, had a good time, and she went home."

I can't believe I'm about to tell him the truth. Maybe it's because I'm drunk. I don't know. "It was much more than that. We had an agreement. She didn't know my real name. I didn't know hers. She was supposed to be my companion for three months until she went home. I insisted, and she agreed, we'd never have contact again once she was gone. But things didn't go according to plan. I found out her first name. She found out my whole name. She told me she loved me but I was too stubborn to hear her because I'm a fucking idiot. She couldn't tell me goodbye and I let her get away without telling her how I felt."

"So, you find her and tell her."

He thinks it's so easy. "That's sort of hard to do when you don't know the full name of who you're searching for."

"Bro, that is messed up. Why would you do that?"

Evan doesn't get what my life is like. He walked away from the vineyards and chose a simple life with a nine-to-five job so he could have Emma. "Because women love rich men. I grew tired of being used. I've been doing this for years and it's always worked out fine. Until Laurelyn."

"She didn't know who you were or that you had a shitload of money?"

"Not until I brought her home with me after Dad got sick."

"Mum is going to be so pissed off. She was already planning your wedding and naming your kids."

He didn't have to remind me. "I know. She fell as much in love with Laurelyn as I did."

"So did my wife and kids. Celia still talks about her. Mila probably would if she could talk."

I can't believe I'm about to ask him this. "How did you know Emma was the one?"

He hesitates and I wonder if he's going to tell me. I can't say I'd blame him if he refused. "You can't use anything I tell you against me. I mean it. No throwing this shit up in my face later because you think it's funny."

"No, man. You have my word."

"We'd dated for several months but had broken up over something stupid. I saw her out with another guy. I don't know how to describe the way it felt. Hurt. Sick. Pissed off. Desperate. And that's just the short list. All he had to do was look at her and I wanted to choke the shit out of him with my bare hands."

I think of how I'd been out of my mind with jealousy the past three months. I wanted to beat the hell out of Ben Donavon, Swinger Chris, and Blake Phillips. "Yeah, that sounds more than a little bit familiar."

"Jack, you don't always know the true worth of a woman's love until it becomes a memory." That's pretty deep stuff coming from my little brother. "Nothing speaks louder than your heart. Listen to what it's telling you. You don't need me to tell you how you'll know if she's the one."

"My heart's not telling me anything. It's screaming in desperation to find Laurelyn and tell her how much I love her."

"Bro, you're a rich fucker. Call out the bloodhounds and go get your girl. She can be found for the right amount of money."