Beauty for ashes: receiving emotional healing (4 page)

Based on Performance

EMOTIONS

AREN'T "STUFFED"

ROOTED & GROUNDED IN CHRIST'S LOVE

Valuable _

'Acceptance

.Unique

No GuiltSpecial

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As an illustration, the Lord gave me this example. Have you ever noticed a foul odor when you opened the refrigerator door? You immediately knew that there was something spoiled in there, but in order to find out what was causing the smell, you had to remove everything in the refrigerator.The same principle applies to your personal life. If you are having emotional problems, it may be because there is something spoiled deep within you. You may have to do some searching, some emptying out, and even some taking apart in order to get to the source of the problem and remove it so that everything can be made fresh and new.

Remember, uprooting can be traumatic and painful. Being replanted, becoming rooted and grounded, is a process that takes time. It is by faith and patience that we inherit God's promises (see Hebrews 6:12), so be patient.

God is the Author and the Finisher (see Hebrews 12:2 kjv). He will finish what He has begun in you: "And I am convincedandsure of this very thing, that He Who began a good work in you will continue until the day of Jesus Christ [right up to the time of His return], developing [that good work]andperfectingandbringing it to full completion in you" (Philippians 1:6).

Bad Fruit

I had so much bad fruit in my life that I experienced regular bouts of depression, negativism, self-pity, quick temper, and the chip-on-the-shoulder syndrome. I had a controlling, domineering spirit. I was harsh, hard, rigid, legalistic, and judgmental. I held grudges and was fearful-especially of being rejected.

I was one person on the inside and another on the outside.I pretended to be confident, and in some ways I was. Still, I had low self-esteem. My so-called confidence was not really based

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on who I was in Christ, but on the approval of others, on my appearance and accomplishments, and on other such external factors. Many people think they are confident, but if their superficial exterior is stripped away, they are actually scared stiff! I was confused and full of inner turmoil.I am extremely blessed to be able to say that I never became addicted to drugs or alcohol. I smoked cigarettes, but had no other chemical dependencies. I just plain did not like alcohol. I would take a few drinks, but as soon as I started feeling woozy, I would never drink beyond that point.

I always had a lot of self-control. It was part of my personality not to let anything control me, so I stayed away from drugs. I think the fact that my father had controlled my life so long fostered a determination in me that nothing else would. Although I could not control my inner problems, I seemed to have wisdom about staying away from things that could render me dependent upon them.

I took diet pills once because I was always about twenty- five pounds overweight. Although a doctor prescribed them for me, they made me high. They were amphetamines, but I had no idea they were harmful. I loved the way they made me feel all day! When I was on them, I could work like a machine, clean house, be creative and friendly; I was up, up, up. But when they wore off, I was worn out!

Although I did not lose any weight, the pills did take care of my appetite-until they wore off. I would not eat all day, but at night I would feel so down that I would make up for what I had missed throughout the day. I remember debating about whether I should get the prescription refilled, but Iknewinside that I would get addicted to the pills if I kept taking them, so I just quit.

I realize now that the ability to avoid things that could have destroyed me came as a result of having received Jesus when I was nine years old. Even though I did not know how to

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develop a real relationship with the Lord, He was always with me and was helping me in ways I did not recognize at the time for lack of knowledge. Years later, these blessings were made clear to me.I know that God's grace and mercy kept me from serious problems such as crime, drugs, alcoholism, and prostitution. I am grateful to the Lord and still in awe of how He kept me. Although I did not have those kinds of problems, I had plenty of others. Bad roots had caused my bad fruit.

Pretending

I was so miserable and unhappy. Yet, like so many people, I pretended that everything was fine. We human beings pretend for the benefit of others, not wanting them to know about our misery, but we also pretend for ourselves so that we do not have to face and deal with difficult issues.

I do not think, I ever realized just how miserable I really was until I had spent some time in the Word of God and had begun to experience some emotional healing. If a person has never known true happiness, how can he know what he is missing? I do not remember ever being fully relaxed and truly happy as a child. I do not believe that anyone can enjoy life while living in constant fear.

I recall Dave talking about his childhood one evening after we were married. He grew up with seven brothers and sisters. They had so much love in their home and a lot of fun as children. Their summers were spent in the country with picnics, ball games, friends, and a Christian mother who played with them and taught them about Jesus. They did not have much money because Dave's father had died from liver disease brought on by alcoholism. Yet the influence, prayers, and Christian example of Dave's mother kept the family out of

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trouble.They had love, which is what all of us need and are actually created for.As Dave shared with me that evening about all the good times he and his family had and how much he enjoyed his youthful years, I suddenly had a realization that I did not like. I could never, ever remember being happy as a child! Something had been stolen from me that I could never get back. I felt terribly cheated. Perhaps you feel the same way. If so, God will do for you what He has done for me. He will make it up to you. He will, Himself, be your reward and will recompense you for what you have lost.

I realized that I had to stop pretending and face the truth. I had some addictive behaviors from my past. That past was not Dave's fault, nor my children's fault. It was unfair to continue making them suffer for something in which they had had no part.

Addictive Behaviors

Addictive behaviors that can develop from abuse are probably endless, but here is a partial list:

?Substance abuse

Alcohol

Drugs (illegal and prescription) ?Monetary obsessions

Excessive spending

Hoarding ?Food disorders

Bulimia (binge-purge)

Anorexia (self-starvation)

Obesity caused by gluttony

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Note: Some people who have been promiscuous stay overweight on purpose in order to avoid being attractive. They fear falling back into temptation. Those who have been deprived of love may eat to make up to themselves for what they have missed.?Feeling addictions

Rage

Sadness

Fear

Excessive excitement

Religious righteousness

Joy fixation (wearing a continuous, frozen smile; never appearing to be angry; laughing at inappropriate times; speaking only of happy things)

?Thought addictions

Excessive detailing

Worry

Nonstop talking

Lustful thoughts

Unsettled mind (never at rest; always figuring out what to say and do, how to react, etc.)

?Activity obsessions

Work

Sports

Reading

Gambling

Exercise

Television viewing

Owning and caring for excessive numbers of pets ?Will addictions

Controlling-Controlling people feel they must have their way in every situation. They cannot submit emotion

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to logic or reason. They feel safe only when they are in control.Controlled-Those controlled become so passive, they give their will over to people and do whatever anyone says. They can even become possessed or severely oppressed by giving their will to the devil. They are so shame-based they feel they deserve nothing-not even choice. Reenactment addicts-These addicts reenact their own abuse on their children or repeatedly put themselves in situations as adults that produce the same type of thing that happened to them as a child. A similar scene gives flashbacks, and they take on the role of the abuser so as not to feel the painful memories of abuse. For example, a man who was beaten by his father in childhood may physically abuse his own children. He does this as a result of seeing flashbacks of the old scene and assuming the role of abuser, rather than waiting to be abused himself. A woman who was physically, sexually, or verbally abused by her father may marry a man, or even several men in succession, who will treat her in the same way. She may feel she is not worthy of anything else or that she deserves being mistreated. She may even see to it that she receives her mistreatment, perhaps even provoking the one who will abuse her. Caretaker-Some people find their worth in caring for others who need them. They feel so worthless that they become addicted to caretaking, helping, pleasing people, and being nice because doing so makes them feel good.

Created to Feel Good Inside

human beings we are created by God to be happy and to good (right) about ourselves. As a matter of fact, we must

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feel good about ourselves or eventually we will develop some sort of uncontrolled behavior, because such behavior gives us "good feelings," even if only for a little while.Think about this: A person addicted to drugs probably got started because his pain was so intense he felt compelled to get rid of it and feel good (high), even if only temporarily. The same thing is prevalent with drinking.

Many people use food as a comfort. Eating is enjoyable; it makes them feel good while they are engaging in it. Many people who have eating disorders are starving for love. They want to feel good about themselves. If they do not get good feelings from the inside, then they will get them from somewhere else.

If you have any addictive behaviors, this chapter may help you to understand the root of the problem. You can spend your entire life trying to subdue the outward behavior (the bad fruit), but it will come out somewhere else if the root has not been taken care of.

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Rescued by LoveIf you are a person who has been abused, by now you have probably identified some problem areas in your life. To point out problems without offering a solution to them would be disastrous. If I did that, you would end up more frustrated than you were before you began reading this book.

I intend to outline the major truths that brought healing in my own life. As I do so, I would like to remind you that God is no respecter of persons (see Acts 10:34). What He does for one person, He will do for another, if it is a promise found in His Word.

The Process of Healing

My first husband did not know how to love, so I received no love at all from our relationship. Although my wonderful second husband, Dave, did truly love me, I knew no more than I ever had about how to receive love. I bounced back and forth

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between: (1) rejecting his love and closing him out of my life by building walls around myself to ensure that I would not get hurt (or so I thought), and, (2) trying to get him to love me with a kind of perfect and complete love that was humanly impossible for him to achieve.In 1 John 4:18 we read that perfect love casts out fear. Only God can love perfectly and without fault. No matter how much anyone may love another person, he is still human. As our Lord said, "The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak" (Matthew 26:41). People always disappoint other people-they always love somewhat imperfectly, simply because that is part of human nature.

I was trying to get Dave to give me something that only God could give me, which was a sense of my own value and worth. I wanted my husband to love me totally and to treat me perfectly so I could finally feel good about myself. Whenever he failed me, disappointed me, or hurt me, I would put up walls between us and not allow him in at all for days or even weeks.

Many people who come from abusive, dysfunctional backgrounds cannot maintain healthy, lasting relationships because either they do not know how to receive love or they place an unbalanced demand on their marriage partners to give them what only God can give. The resulting frustration often ruins the marriage.

This same principle can be applied to friendships. One time a woman came up to me in a prayer line and said: "Joyce, help me. I am so lonely. Every time I get a friend, I suffocate her." This lady was so love-starved that if she found anyone who would pay any attention to her at all, she tried to collect all her past emotional debts from that individual, who owed her nothing. Her new friend was usually frightened away.

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God's Boundless, Unconditional, Perfect LoveOne day as I was reading the Bible, I noticed this statement in 2 Corinthians 5:7: "For we walk by faith [we regulate our lives and conduct ourselves by our conviction or belief respecting man's relationship to God and divine things, with trust and holy fervor; thus we walk] not by sightorappearance."