Beautifully Shattered (The Beautifully Series Book 1) (33 page)

“Calm down, Ads. I’m
right here.” He covers my hands with his to stop my maddening
movements.

I try to move my hands
under his, but it’s useless, he’s too strong, too overpowering.

“Ta-take . . .
ti-t-tie . . . off,” I stutter as I concentrate on calming breaths.
“Please, Jax, I can’t do this,” I finally manage to spit out
after a minute or two.

He removes my hands
away from the back of my head and rubs my arms up and down in a
soothing gesture. I hate that it works.

Leaning his forehead
against mine he says, “Listen to me, I know this is impossible for
you, but I also know you need to overcome your fear.”

A dry humorless laugh
escapes me. “Me afraid of water? Really, how is that even possible?
I know how to swim better than most fish!” I shout.

“You’re not afraid
of the water, Ads, that’s impossible for someone like you. You’re
afraid of all the memories the water will invoke. You’re afraid of
remembering all the happy times.” He pulls me into his arms and
hugs me tightly. “You’re afraid of wanting to be in the water,
afraid of wanting to swim again, of enjoying it.”

“I hate you.”

“You’re afraid if
you get back in the water, you won’t be able to get out and you
won’t be able to punish yourself anymore.” I suck in a breath as
if he punched me in the gut. “You force yourself to hate the one
thing that you’ve always loved because you think it’s the only
way to punish yourself for surviving when Andy, Quinn, and Hadley
died.”

I punch his chest. “I
HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!” My voice breaks, but I don’t
stop hitting him. He lets me.

My arms drop lifelessly
to my sides while Jax holds me to him, rocking us gently. I shake my
head as if just that simple act will create a barrier from his words.

“You’re wrong,” I
whisper, voice hoarse from screaming.

“Prove it,” Jax
says just as quietly against my forehead.

My next breath comes
out shaky. My legs tremble. Luckily I’m leaning against the solid
rock that is Jax or I would be on the floor. I don’t know how much
time passes, it feels like seconds, but I know it’s minutes as I
stand in his strong embrace, borrowing strength.

“Fine.”

I feel his smile
against my forehead.

Fine?
You can’t do this. What the fuck is wrong with you?

Sealing my fate, I open
my eyes and blink from the sudden brightness. Once I can focus
without seeing spots, I realize that the lights are normal, I was
just squeezing my eyes for too long. I stare at my bare feet, needing
another moment before this becomes all too real. Oh look, my nail
polish is chipped. Yeah, that doesn’t distract me at all. Jax waits
by my side while I gain the courage to do something I never thought I
would ever consider doing again.

You
can still run.
No! I’ve been running for the past six
years. I need to do this. I’m forced to come face-to-face with my
worst nightmare . . . a pool.

My feet move on their
own accord, and bring me to the edge of the indoor pool in Jax’s
building. There are five lanes, and at least a 15 person spa to the
side. It’s nice, it’s also the only time I’ve ever been up
here. I usually make an excuse to not join the guys at the pool. They
stopped asking over the years. They got the hint that I don’t like
being around large amounts of water. Well, everyone except Jax, of
course. Speaking of Jax, where did he go?

I scan the area. My
mouth falls open as Jax removes his shirt and throws it on a lounge
chair piled with two towels. Holy-hotness, I so did not think he
planned on us getting in. Okay, maybe I did, hence the minor
freakout, but I didn’t realize I’d get in a pool with a
half-naked Jaxon Chandler.

I don’t even care
when he turns around and sees me drooling on myself over him. It’s
impossible to close my mouth. I must look like a coke junkie without
her fix. I can’t focus on one particular part of his anatomy. My
eyes roam as fast as they can over his body; his muscular chest, down
to his defined abs that I’ve mapped out with my tongue, and finally
over his long arms covered in tattoos. His artwork is so sexy,
especially since you can’t see it when he’s dressed for work. It
reminds me of a treasure hunt that I want to explore. I want to find
‘x’.

It’s amazing how he
can make all of my problems float away.

Jax struts to me with
the biggest shit-eating grin I’ve ever seen. Can’t blame him,
though, I would look like that too if someone stared at me how I’m
staring at him. I watch the way his muscles move with each step. It’s
mouthwatering.

“Are you ready? Or do
you need me to walk around a little longer for you?”

“That depends . . .”

“On?”

“If you’re going to
give me a little show.”

To my amazement, he
turns and wiggles his taut butt for me. I laugh even though the
thought of going into the water makes my throat start to close. He
knows exactly what he’s doing . . . distracting me . . . it’s
working. I force myself to relax and seem aloof.

“Oh please don’t,
if I have to watch you shake that big fat thing you call an ass, I
may throw up on you again.”

Jax presses his lips
together to fight his smile. “Yes, that’s what you were doing,
trying not to throw up, not trying to control yourself from throwing
yourself at this sexy body.” He points to his rock hard eight pack
in case I forgot it was there. I didn’t.

Hesitantly, I follow
Jax to the steps of the pool, firmly holding onto his hand. When his
foot touches the water, I pull back to stop him.

“I can’t,” I
choke out.

Jax gives me the most
breathtaking smile. “Yes you can, Ads. Trust me.”

I bite my lip.
I
can do this.
I inch toward him.
This
is for them. This isn’t for me. Make them proud.
I place
my shaking hand back into his and take the final step, the first step
into the heated water.
I’m
doing this for me.
I close my eyes and relax into Jax. I
let him guide me into the warm water. At the second-to-last step, the
water reaches my thighs so I gather up my—

“Where’s my dress?”
I ask when I realize that I’m not wearing what I arrived in
tonight. Instead I’m in one of his button-ups.

When did he change my
clothes? How did I just now notice?

“I didn’t want
throw-up on my sheets. Plus you kind of smelled.”

What a load of bull. I
didn’t throw up on myself. No, Jax had that pleasure. Arguing with
him would be pointless, though.

“Thanks.”

I yank the stupid
clean, wonderful-smelling shirt to my panty line and continue walking
into the pool with Jax.

“You ready?” he
asks into my ear. I nod, letting him lead me deeper into the water.

Tears fill my eyes when
we reach the middle of the pool, but I quickly squeeze them closed,
refusing to let them fall. I will not cry, I never cry. Taking a deep
breath, I dive underneath the water with Jax by my side.

Memories assault me so
quickly it’s hard to concentrate on a single one. I let go of Jax’s
hand and sink the rest of the way to the bottom until I’m at the
pool’s floor. I relive the first time I ever saw the ocean,
swimming in my backyard, training, and when I would sneak into our
pool at night during a rainstorm with Jax.

My hair floats around
me. I move my hands back and forth in front of me and smile at the
feel of my hands gliding in the water. Suddenly my peaceful moment is
broken and I’m pulled to the surface.

“Adalynn, are you
okay?” Jax shouts as he runs his hands over my face and down my
throat to check my pulse.

I laugh at his
absurdness. “Really, you’re checking my pulse? What’s the
matter with you?”

I splash him with my
feet as I backstroke away from him. I love how easily my body
remembers the movements of the strokes, effortlessly carrying me away
from him. Jax gives me a puzzled look as he studies me. Then a smile
spreads across his luscious lips.

“You were down there
for a pretty long time. I didn’t like it.”

“Ah caveman style and
everything? You must be serious.” Doing a quick flip-turn, I come
up for air a foot away from him. “Relax and enjoy yourself for
once, Mr. Always-So-Serious.

Jax looks behind him
with that sexy one-eyebrow-raised thing he does and says, “I know
you aren’t talking to me like that,” in that bedroom voice of his
that sends chills all the way down to my toes.

Treading water, I smirk
at him. “What are you gonna do about it?”

I turn over and sprint
back to the wall with Jax racing behind me. If I can make it to the
wall, I can get out and dive over him. He won’t be able to catch
me. I flip over to my back and do two backstrokes. I have more than
enough time. I laugh as I reach the wall. This is fun. Before I can
pull myself out of the water all the way, Jax captures the back of
his shirt I’m borrowing.

Fast bastard.

Jax gets out of the
pool after a while and watches me float around in nothing but my bra
and panty set. I didn’t see the point of swimming with his wet
shirt. I smile up at him. From here I can see that his eyes are the
dark shade of green that I love, the one that reminds me of a lion
about to attack. I know he won’t, he won’t cross that line with
me, not here. It’s bittersweet. I love that we have our friendship
back, but I hate that we can’t be more than that.

I’m so grateful that
he made me do this, that he pushed me when I was ready even though I
didn’t know it. He was right, I was punishing myself for my
family’s death. I refused to do the one thing that brought me so
much joy. It’s hard to believe that I’ve denied myself this
feeling for six long years. Swimming is a part of me, the missing
piece that I refused to acknowledge.

I know I will never
compete again, that part of my life is over. It left the minute my
family died. For the first time since that night, I can honestly say
I’m okay with that, I know it will never be the same without them.
At least now I know that I can go to the ocean or a pool without
having a meltdown. Hmmm. The ocean, I miss it. Maybe I’ll take a
trip there soon.

God, this feels so
amazing. I could float around all night like this. The memories that
I feared would come back never do. The only memories are the happy
ones, the ones that I forgot.

I sink down to the
bottom of the pool again, one of my favorite places in the world.
It’s so quiet. It’s peaceful, beautiful. It’s like everything
drifts away while I’m under here. This is the place I missed most
of all. This is my happy place.

When I surface, Jax
waits at the edge of the pool with his feet in and a towel in his
lap. I swim towards him. I brace both hands on the outside of his
legs, and peer up at him.

“Thank you for
pushing me to remember who I am again and for everything you do for
me, Jax.”

His fingers travel over
my shoulders. Then, in a move so fast I don’t see it coming, he
grips my underarms, lifts me out of the water and sets me on his lap.
I go all too willingly. He drapes the towel around my shoulders and
rubs it into my skin. Jax twirls a strand of my wet hair.

“I didn’t do
anything. This was all you, Ads. You did this. You faced your fear.”
He kisses the tip of my nose. “I only helped you realize what you
already knew.” He tilts my head up by my chin. “You are the
strongest person I know, Adalynn. One day you’ll see yourself how I
see you.”

I melt into him. He
continues to dry me with the towel, rubbing circles into my back,
making me fall asleep.

Stretching my arms over
my head, I yawn. My left leg bumps into something warm and solid. My
eyes fly open. I don’t see my stars hanging over my bed. I know
this plain white celling. Crap! Slowly I turn my head to see a
bemused Jax in bed beside me.

“I know, I know I
look amazing in the morning, but you don’t have to stare, Ads,”
he says as he flexes his arms out in front of him, making his muscles
pop.

Man! I can’t catch a
break with this guy. It’s so unfair for him to look this good this
early. Silently I curse The God. I have the sudden urge to punch his
stupid smug grin off his face. I resist, barely. Forcing my gaze away
from his delicious pecs that belong on billboards everywhere, I
pointedly look him up and down.

Sassily I say, “You
know the room down the hall and to the right have a much better view
than this one. Maybe next time you could put me in that one.”

“Yeah, I should do
that next time. Besides, then I wouldn’t have to fight you off in
your sleep.”

My mouth drops open.

“Don’t worry kiddo,
I was able to keep you at bay and get some sleep.”

Kiddo? I glare at him.
He laughs, finding me amusing. Wonderful.

He gets out of bed and
makes a show off striding to his bathroom in just his black briefs.
Yup, my mouth is fully agape now. I’m pretty sure there’s now
drool on his blanket, but I don’t care.